<intro music>

TH: Who is doing the intro?

SB: Not me.

BG: Oh my god, you have watched 'Not Me'?! It's like one of my fav-

TH: He isn't talking about the show.

HK: Hello there~ Welcome to the first episode of the best podcast out there-

SB: Self-proclaimed-

HK: -Killers Killing Time, where we give you health advice-

YJ: Since when?

TH: That's a lie, Huening.

HK: Yeah, that's a lie. We talk about killing people and doing drugs.

BG: Aren't you just twenty?

HK: What do you mean just? I am a goddamn sexy snack of a twenty.

YJ: Tell that to your plushies, darling.

HK: I am telling it to you baby.

BG: People are gonna start writing fanfiction about ya both.

SB: I...uh...used to write fanfictions...?

HK: Oooo, no wonder you are good with language.

SB: That's beside the point. Let's go back to the main topic of today.

TH: Yeah. So, today's main character is-...

<drum rolls>

HK: It's me, your little Hueningie~

BG: Aren't you twenty?

TH: This is the second time you asked that. Both in irony. Hate to say this, it was kinda cool.

BG: Aww Babe you give me so much of your attention~

[silence]

YJ: uh... Kang's face right now looks like he is five seconds away from getting his acid.

TH: Aqua Regia.

YJ: Anna Regina?

BG: A Frozen and Mean Girls crossover. Also, I am scared-

HK: Now in theatres!

TH: It's Aqua Regia, for fuck's sake-

SB: Huening, you might as well start with the script.

HK: [in baby voice] I don't want to go by the script.

BG: [laughs] He is pouting, oh my god!

YJ: Are y'all gonna start or are we gonna flirt for the rest two hours?

TH: Three.

SB: They gave us three hours away from the cell? Damn.

TH: If you are planning something, just don't. Police are everywhere in this building.

YJ: Okay but why the fuck are you smirking, Kang?

TH: This poor man can't even smirk now?

HK: No you can't. It's terrifying.

BG: MOVING ON! Before any more damage can be done, let's start with Huening's story.

HK: Yeah my story...wait, which one?

SB: I want to leave.

YJ: YOUR STORY MOTHERFU-

TH: Calm down YJ. He is slow on the uptake.

BG: [almost crying] We wasted fifteen minutes already bruh.

HK: Yeah, okay lets start with it.

<intense music cues>

HK: The weather was rather clear and calm that day. Too calm for a December morning. The clock had just struck five when Mrs Janhae entered her son's room. She opened the door and her eyes went to the bed, where her son rested in a deep slumber beneath the covers that was pulled up to his head. Janhae could only see a few tufts of hair peeking amongst the sea of the white duvet. She pulled at her cardigan and called out to her son. "Daehwi? Wake up, darling." Daehwi was used to taking morning walks with his mother and sister, so it wasn't out of the usual to find Janhae where she was. But Daehwi wasn't awake by then, which was utterly unusual. "Dae-" Janhae stopped when she felt something beneath her slipper. She took a step back and spotted a small plushie of a bunny. She knew it from the advertisements on the TV. She went back on the task at hand. She approached Daehwi and shook him slightly. He didn't budge. She tried again. Her try was in vain. Then she thought of pulling the duvet off of him, get him out of his comfort zone. She went with the plan. She wished she hadn't.

<music stops>

HK: That day, Lee Daehwi became one of the victims among the seven murders which will soon be called 'The Molang Murders' of Seoul.

BG: That's an awfully cute name for a murder case.

TH: Soobin hyung wrote the script, didn't he?

HK: Oh yeah he did. And he painted me in a bad light.

SB: You are a serial killer...?

YJ: Why do you start pouting at everything, you little shit?

HK: [Still pouting] Don't abuse in front of Hueningie~ And also, I think Molang Murders is a cool name.

SB: Because it has Molang in it?

HK: Because it has Molang in it. Yep.

BG: Start from the start.

TH: That's wrong english.

[silence]

TH: Well...just start from the beginning.

BG: I said the same thing.

TH: ALRIGHT OKAY. CAN WE MOVE ON?

HK: So, for those who don't know Molang, please Google it right now. Or you'll regret-

SB: Kai.

HK: IT'S AN ANIMATION SERIES. And they have merchandise. And they are cute. Really cute. My babies.

BG: He can write a whole 700K word essay on why Molang is the best plushie and show in the world.

YJ: Still not getting how someone can like a fu- 

TH: Do not even dare to complete that sentence if you wanna stay alive for a little longer.

YJ: I- uh...yeah, so...

BG: He dead before the next week's episode. Gotta change the description to 'Four serial killers and one annoying ghost'.

YJ: And you'll be the annoying ghost here if you don't shut up, asshole.

SB: [muttering] This is gonna continue forever. [sighs]

HK: Back to the story!

<soft music cues>

HK: My life was never easy, but don't we all go through those hard stages? Some of you may wonder-- what went wrong with Kai Kamal Huening?

<music stops>

HK: 14th August 2002 was the day when I first opened my eyes in this world. The place was Hawaii, USA.

BG: Aloha~

SB: That was so unnecessary, Beomgyu.

YJ: The shit never shuts up.

BG: That's my speciality, baby.

TH: Here we go again.

HK: Gay rights!

[silence]

HK: MOVING ON! So basically, I was an ordinary child with not many issues. There was only the sibling issue.

YJ: Middle child agenda.

BG: Nah, bruh. I am the youngest in my fam, and it still sucks.

SB: I agree.

HK: But, like, I was babied by people around me. And it was totally fine...until my parents had to leave for China. It was some kind of familial problem. I was five back then, and my aunt, that little slug, she never really gave me and my siblings enough attention and care. And the problem with me was that I was SUPER shy, so, unlike my sisters, I had no friends.

TH: You...were shy...?

BG: If he shy, then what am I?

YJ: A shitty old motor.

SB: That's actually pretty sad.

HK: Gays, I was really shy back then. You won't even recognise me.

YJ: That's for a fact. Only the other day you were befriending that buff dude from cell 421 or some.

HK: Ah, no. I was hitting on him. Which reminds me, I was also going through a gay crisis by the time I was seven. That was also the time when my parents came back and we all shifted to Pohang. So whatever ties I had with one or two kids in my class, they were broken as well.

YJ: Lonely boy. 

BG: Did YJ just not curse in a sentence?! [gasps]

YJ: Shut the fuck up-

BG: AND he is back again. 

HK: So that is when I got into Molangie. And I was bullied for it in the coming years.

TH: I can see why. Not that I accept, of course.

HK: Yeah. It was frustrating. But Molangie was there to listen to it all and never judge. It used to feel nice.

SB: What about your sisters?

HK: They were outgoing and friendly extrovets, so it wasn't that hard for gem to find friends. My elder sister was dating, even.

YJ: Damn.

BG: Sucks to be you, lol.

SB: Beomgyu.

BG: So sad,  baby. I hope you are better.

TH: He's on a life sentence.

YJ: Aren't we all?

SB: Nice way of comfort, YJ and Beom. I want to laugh.

YJ: At least you want to laugh...?

BG: How romantic~

TH: Just continue, Huening.

HK: Ah yeah...BUT- then I met someone~

BG: OMG BESTIE, SPILL THE TEA!

HK: I was sixteen when I and Sangwon first met.

TH: Wait- Sangwon? THAT Sangwon?

HK: Yes. He was in my class, and bruh did he look so cute. He was a walking Molang I swear.

YJ: I've heard that name somewhere...

HK: He was about to drop out from his school to work for his family when we had first started talking. He was a poor guy. Kind of a loner too. No one really knew his name, but I did.

BG: Soobin hyung, you better take notes or your upcoming fanfiction.

SB: I am not allowed to post fanfictions from jail.

BG: Aw man.

HK: By the time we started dating, I asked my dad to pay for his bills so he wouldn't leave school. And it was going really smooth. We soon were so in love~ 

TH: Still waiting for the part where it all goes down.

HK: You are right in predicting it because after a month or two, I realised something.

YJ: And that is...?

HK: That bitch just wanted money.

SB: He was using you as his sugar daddy.

HK: Isn't it sad? [pouts] And he wasn't even trying to be romantic. He wasn't even gay, or bisexual, or pan. He was as straight as an electric pole.

BG: Insert Roblox oof, editor-nim.

<Roblox Oof sound>

HK: I was mad. My molangie just used me. No one can use me. And I was not about to leave him be.

YJ: As you should.

SB: Yeonjun that's bad preachings! Shut the fuck up!

YJ: You just called me by my name. [smirking]

SB: I wanna go back to my cell.

BG: [excited] Did you set him on fire?

TH: Not everyone is a pyromaniac like you, sit your ass down.

HK: I smacked a metal rod against his head, kept smacking it until he was fully dead.

BG: Yay! He deserved it.

HK: Oh, tell me about it!

TH: And after that?

HK: I stuffed him like a stuff doll. My molangie.

YJ: Wow.

BG: Please marry me.

HK: And he would remain nameless for many years to come. No one searched for him, no one found him. I mean, not until I told the authorities myself, of course. And that was the end of the first part of The Molang Murders.

SB: I am curious to know what happens next.

YJ: Me too. Like- damn.

TH: Huening looks like a person who eats cotton candies for his meals. But this...I am impressed.

HK: Tune in next week for part two, sweeties~

BG: And after that Kai and me will be seen on our wedding day.

HK: Aww Hyungie~ And goodbye to you all!

<outro music>