Hey everyone. I am going to share my aspects of my life within the past few years. It will include mental health, drugs/alcohol, adopted family and birth family, mental/emotional abuse, death, and life in general. Things haven't been easy for me, and that is why I want to share and hope this can help inspire you and comfort. First let me give a backstory and then I will get to the recent years. Also, when I say mum, I am referring to my adopted mother. When I say mother, I refer to my birth mother.

When I was two, my mum adopted me. She knew me for most of my life before then. I am biracial, that being black and white. I grew up in an Irish Catholic family, in a majority white town and raised as an only child. My birth mother's one request when she gave me up was to have me placed in a Catholic home. My adoption was closed, so I had no contact with my birth mother. The only aspects I knew of my birth family were my mother's and that she wanted me to have a better life. Also, my birth name, and a man's name on the adoption papers.

My mum raised me as a single parent. Early in my life, babysitters took care of me because my mum was a schoolteacher. There would be late nights for her, so there were times I wouldn't see her. My mum is older than the average parent age. She adopted me in her 40s.

My aunt died a couple of years again. She was a second mum to me. We had a strong bond. I took care of her while she was dying and was by her bedside when she passed to the last minute. She was a huge part of my life. I saw her a lot. It still hits me hard. I have no regrets, even when I used money that I was saving for college supplies to help with catering for the funeral reception.

After my aunt died, I got caught up in chaos with my adoptive family. It messed with my head, drained me, and I spiraled out of control. My bipolar acted up and I became manic. Reckless was mainly what happened. My mum started trying to control me more. She started to become mentally and emotionally abusive.

I met my boyfriend during all this chaos. We fell in love. We are still in love. When I would argue with my mum, she would mentally try to control me by threatening to call my boyfriend. She knows I love him, and I didn't want to lose him because of my fear that my mental health would scare him away. She used that against me. She makes me feel guilty. She yells at me while saying I am abusive. Because of my health issues, both mental and physical, she tries to control me financially.

One day we were arguing, and I left without my phone. I walked down the street, just trying to get away. Trying to calm down, trying to escape the insanity and my awful agony. I was walking and a car pulled up beside me. A man wouldn't leave me alone. I kept telling him to go away. I became terrified and realized that he was going to trying to kidnap me. I yelled, and he sped away. I kept walking, terrified and anxious. I went to a coffee place, and I used their phone to call my mum. She originally refused to pick me up, but she agreed finally. When she got me, I told her what happened. She had no empathy, a lack of emotion, and told me it was my fault. I was hurt. I was scared and I will never forget that. I'm scarred.

I knew there I had lost the mum I grew up with. I knew she had a darker a side. She tries to play victim. She makes me the villain. She is passive aggressive and tries to turn people against me. One day my boyfriend asked me to move in with him. I said yes. He knew what I was going through, and he tried to help smooth things with my mum to make things easier. He is my light in my darkness. My agony and depression.

I have changed my major for college so many times. I expected so much for my life, but that plan didn't work out. I finally found a college that suited me. My mum refused to co-sign loans even though I would pay. Her reasoning was she was uncomfortable. She tried to control me with schooling and where to go. I realized she had no hope and no faith in me left. My boyfriend tried to convince her, and she said she would think about it and called us back a few minutes later and told him no. He now grew bitter toward her and won't forgive her for this. I am her only child.

Now I don't get my hopes up with her. I refuse to fight a battle that won't end positively. I slowly am growing bitter. She wanted me to attend college on a state tuition waiver, which only covers half the classes at a public university per semester, but she was not willing to pay or co-sign on loans for the other courses. I couldn't take as much as I wanted. It was taking me forever to get through school.

Recently, as I tried to get out from underneath my mum's rule, I got in contact with my birth cousin, since I took a DNA test and met her online. I haven't told my mum about the DNA test. I definitely haven't told her about talking to my birth family.

I found out a lot of things from my cousin. I have four half siblings. Many of us in our family are adopted. Mental health issues runs in the family. Our family has a dark past that I won't explain entirely because of how intense it is. I will say that many died from drugs, alcohol and suicide. Many of us have half siblings, half cousins. Only a few have made their life right.

I found out that my mother died. She was 45. I was really was hoping that she would be alright in life - that she would be doing well even if I didn't meet her. I hoped all my life she was alive and doing well.

I was introduced to my older brother. We have been talking, and he told me he was there the day I was born. That made me cry. It was tears of joy. He told me he has thought of me all these years. I have been going through a long-lasting depression, having my life go nowhere. Having a hard time believing that things would get better soon. People told me it will get better, but I needed to hear it from my brother. He has been through so much and he truly understands. He told me that he understands that sometimes people who have been through a lot are the people you need to hear it from in order for it to sink in.

I have hope now. Meeting my birth family has happened in the past two weeks. Things are getting better. I decided to change my major again, but this major I can actually attend school. I can actually finish a degree. I told my mum about the college choice and major change. She said she will pay for the classes that are not supported for the wavier. Though doubt still lingers. I don't fully believe her because I have to see that follow through.

It's been rough for me. It hasn't been easy. If you are adopted, it is always up to you if you want to meet your family. I found out a terrible and dark past, but it doesn't bother me. My family treats me well. If you are worried about discovering a dark past that is fine. You don't have to reach out. Mental health runs deep in my birth family. It hasn't been easy for me growing up with dealing with the mental health. The toxicity with my adoptive family is a struggle, but I still try to have a relationship with them. Especially my mum.

This is just a condensed version of my experiences. Life isn't easy, and if you struggle it will get better. My mum doesn't even want to help me pay for basic needs such as clothing. She knows I can't work without a degree for the jobs I can do. Though I try to keep moving forward.

Life needs to be enjoyed. Even when there is darkness. When you feel like you are in the abyss, remember there is an end to it and you with come to peace. Don't give up. Love yourself. Rely on those you trust. Look to the sun and see the light and dreams you want. Go for them. Try to obtain them. It might take time, but it will get better. There will always be struggles because that is just life, but life is precious.

Keep on dreaming.

Keep on going.

Love.

Be loved.

Find peace.

Life isn't hopeless, and I have learned that.

I hope you learn that too.

Take care,

Brianna Rose | BriannaRoseC