chapter two
dear diary

YOU'VE BEEN TEARING ME APART IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT
I'LL BE RAISING MY HANDS WHEN THE LIGHTNING STRIKES

March 13, 1980

Dear Diary,

Something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me.
Something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me.

Tears stained the page as Adhira choked back sobs, frantically scrubbing the words over and over again on the paper. Her chest heaved as she struggled to take in breaths, lungs burning and ears ringing. The tears blurred her vision, Adhira was sure she wasn't writing straight.

Something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me.

The words spanned along three pages, front and back. Adhira went to bed shortly after finishing those words, but she'd be lying if she said she got any sleep.

January 21st, 1981

Dear Diary,

Hey, it's me again. I haven't written in you since 7th grade, and i'm a few months away from my freshman year. That's insane, right? Joey is still driving me nuts, classes aren't getting any easier.. Oh! And there's still something deeply wrong with me. I think I have a crush on ROBIN. Yes, you heard that right. Robin. I hope no one sees this.. I'll be ruined for life. I didn't get it at first, when girls would talk about boys they thought were cute. I never thought any of them were cute... only Elvis. Elvis is my soulmate. But I just thought they had bad taste... until it hit me that I had no taste for them.

"Adhira!" Joey's voice rang through the house from the bottom of the stairs. Adhira flinched, the end of the m in her word dragging across the page. "Dinner!"

"Coming!" Adhira shouted back, "Tell Mom to give me a few!"

"Tell mom to give me a few!" Joey mimicked. Adhira groaned, rolling her eyes as she picked up the pen again.

anyway. I went to the library. and I checked out a bunch of books, a whole bunch of books. And I read all of them.. start to finish. Except the dictionary. The term is homosexual. For me, I like other girls. Just girls.. except Elvis.. what. a. MAN!!! I read that there can be heterosexual tendencies for homosexuals.. he might be mine. It must not be rare if it's in the dictionary, right? I've never seen it on TV.. or in music. But it can't be only me. Right? If it was only me it wouldn't be in the dictionary. Right? I don't know.. But I know I can never tell Robin. She'd never talk to me again. I can't have that. Especially since this is a crush, mom always talks about how crushes pass. I just have to ride this through. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe all the boys here are ugly and that's why I don't like them. Looks are very important to me. Sort of.

"Adhira! I said dinner!" Mrs. Atwell opened the door, eyes flickering to the diary in her hands. "Honey, you can write about your day after you eat. Write about how delicious this spaghetti will be."

"So-Sorry, mom." Adhira stammered, slamming the diary shut and pushing herself off of the bed. Her heart hammered in her chest, the thought of nearly being caught causing her legs to feel like jelly.

She stumbled over her rug, laughing nervously as her mom watched her in concern. "Honey, if you're having fantasies about Elvis again you don't have to hide it."

June 24th, 1982

Dear Diary,

It wasn't just a crush. Or maybe it's just a super insane persistent one. She's all I can think about. Still. She's all I want. Still. It has been a total of 519 days. That's too many days. That's way too many days for it to be a crush and i'm starting to get scared. Joey is getting nosy again. I caught him reading this the other day, I almost drowned him in his sleep. I don't think he read my last entry, but now i keep you in my underwear drawer. he gets too grossed out to go in my dresser after he found a folded up picture of Elvis with a lipstick stain.. no i don't want to think about that. i was 12 okay? and NO it wasn't in the underwear drawer!! it was the sock drawer. i'm starting to get scared.. Fred Benson was attacked and beaten because he looks gay. He's not even gay! I'm scared. I don't want to have these feelings anymore, but I can't help it.. When Robin smiles at me, when she holds my hand.. it feels okay. I feel okay. But then I get home and I see the news.. what's going on in new york. people are being killed. I don't think I can be happy like this. I don't want to have feelings for Robin anymore, I'm scared. if this gets out.. I'll be as good as dead. Already, Robin is almost the only one who talks to me at school If anyone found out.. it can't happen. It cannot happen. It can't happen. it can't happen. it can't happen.

Adhira sighed, brushing the stray stands of raven hair from her eyes. Her fingers brushed against the faded pink material. It was a gift from one of her aunts, if you could even call her that, the woman wrote once a year and most of the letter convicted Adhira for not being 'Indian' enough. As if she didn't already feel disconnected enough. She knew the holidays, but she didn't celebrate them. She didn't know how. She knew about the religion, but she still sat with Joey in the back of the Catholic church.

Adhira felt like the only thing Indian about her was her name. Her name that got her bullied in middle school. Her name that she'd have to correct the teachers about. Daily.

Add-hi-ruh. They'd pronounce it. Robin would correct them behind Adhira's back, making them repeat after her so she knew for a fact they'd understood.

Adhira couldn't live without Robin. The thought kept her awake at night, tossing and turning. Robin was tearing her apart, and she didn't even know it.. how could she? She'd worried that their days were numbered, friends don't last forever.

But Robin wasn't just any friend. Robin was everything. Adhira couldn't afford to lose her. She couldn't risk anything. These feelings had to go.

August 28th, 1983

Dear Diary,

I screwed up. I screwed up. I screwed up. I screwed up. I screwed up. I ruined everything. I kissed her. I kissed Robin and she didn't kiss me back. I can never face her again. She hates me. Robin hates me. I ruined everything. Why did I do that? How stupid could I have been? I let my feelings and the drinking get to me and I kissed her and I los the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm thinking of running away and changing my name. No one would miss me.. Mom and Joey would, but.. having a missing daughter is better than having a gay daughter.

Knocking on the door brought Adhira out of the movie she was watching. Her heart skipped a beat, part of her knew who it was. She'd recognized the knock, it was one she and Robin had made up so they would know it was each other.

"Joey, it's your turn to get it." Adhira shoved Joey with her foot, slapping her hand over her mouth as he tumbled off the couch.

"Ow!" Joey grumbled, rubbing his head. "You go get it!"

"No! I took out the trash! You go get it." Adhira tossed the nearest pillow at him. Joey dodged it quickly, picking it up and throwing it back to her "I'm busy."

"Whatever." Joey grumbled, dragging his feet as he walked to the door. He stood on his tippy toes to peek through the peephole. "Oh! It's Robin-"

"Don't answer it!" Adhira all but shouted
at the confirmation that she was right, clearing her throat as she sank back to the couch.

Joey tilted his head, "But she's your best friend? Are you in a fight?"

"You wouldn't understand." Adhira grumbled.

"I'm answering it. Robin's pretty." Adhira's heart sank at his words, frantically shaking her head. But he'd already swung the door open. Joey flickered his eyes to her, already regretting the decision. He'd be locking his doors, he didn't want her to drown him in his sleep.

Tell her I'm not home Adhira mouthed.

Joey nodded, goofy smile on his face as he opened the door again. "She says she's not home."

Goddamit.

~~

a/n: i hope this format made sense lol but basically these are diary entries and the normal font is what's happening as she's writing it :) and then at the end it's the day after she kissed robin.

none of the other chapters will be formatted like this, it'll be back to normal and in the present next time (: