It's been weeks since i last saw your text, the honest one, and I'm okay with it. I panicked for a while, and a lot, thinking you knew. I guess that would always be the only way that you can understand how i feel about all this. By accident. By something that is thrown directly at you, something inevitable. People tell me to just do it already, they hate seeing me this pathetic, they ask me what on earth i would have to lose then. I know because I've asked myself that same damn question so many times. I've almost become someone else, someone you don't know. But i still like being the one that you know, despite the fact that sometimes i have to fight the thought that you'll be perfectly fine without that one in your life. They said I just assumed that you'd choose to be the villain and if you actually do that, then what's the point for me to keep someone who would do that to someone they care for in my mind. That's what people said. People always have too much to say. Though I shouldn't be judging of how you would react, like i know you more than anyone else. But i guess that's how cowardly selfish i am. I'd rather create a narrative for myself, where you'd become the bad person and hurt me, than risk losing everything for the tiniest glimpse of hope. Because I realize sometimes I can't stop treating my feelings like a math problem that only has one correct answer.
We're growing apart, and sometimes i'm okay with it, sometimes i hate myself for letting it happen and that text just proved how much I've been lying to myself that someday someone would understand. Someone would be able to find all the answers that's in my head when i think about you. Because i miss you so bad that everything just stops making sense now and i panicked. I'm scared of the day when I don't have that chance i never take anymore, now that I'm used to walking on thin ice. It might be a relief at the moment. But the infinite possibility of answers will probably haunt me for life. Though those were sure as hell miserable weeks waiting for a reply, i know i'm not ready for that just yet