My heart stopped. I cursed Dad for refusing to put locks on any door but his own. Anyone could barge in whenever they wanted. There was no way to hide Ander in time. Even if we managed to scoot away from each other before the intruder noticed, that wouldn't explain why he was in my room. Judging by the smirk on her face, Elaine had seen plenty.

Ander jumped back, practically falling off my bed in an effort to distance himself, but it was so obviously too late.

Elaine put her a hand on her hips, shutting the door and pushing her glasses up her nose. "Was just coming to let you know that Mally took off... but I have something to say about this." She jabbed her finger at Ander and I.

Ander raised his hands in front of himself appealingly. "Elaine, let me explain."

I put a hand on his knee to stop him. There was no use in explaining.

"Okay. I'm not quite sure what to say. Obviously I'm shocked. Didn't think law abiding Jeanie had it in her. Or, to be honest, didn't think she had the sex-appeal to even make it an option. But I have one of two things to say to you." Elaine regarded us both, eyes narrowed. "Option A: if this just happened as some spur of the moment thing, that is so not fair, Jeanie! I was hitting on him."

Ander's eyes went wide, head darting between my younger sister and I.

"Option B," Elaine continued, "If this has been going on for a while then I just have to say... bless the Great Father! I'm so happy for you!"

"You're... what?" He looked at me again, shaking his head.

I laughed loudly, thrilled by Ander's dumbfounded expression. "Close your mouth, Ander. You'll catch flies."

"You knew she wouldn't tell?" He frowned, running a hand through his hair. "And you let me just about hyperventilate at the thought of seeing you arrested?"

"Consider it payback." I smirked, high-fiveing Elaine. "And, yeah, I knew she wouldn't tell. Just like how I don't tell Dad and Mom about every single one night stand and various other law-breaking she does. What kind of sisters do you think we are?"

"Yeah." Elaine dropped herself directly between Ander and I, fidgeting until she was comfortable atop my mattress. "We've got so much dirt on each other. If one thing comes out it all spills and no one wants to vacuum it up."

I rolled my eyes at my sister. "He's not that close with his siblings. Even less than Mally and John."

"My sisters are close," he offered. "But I was always the odd one out. Mostly spent time with my grandpa, but I would have liked a close sibling."

Elaine looked between us. "So, I'm to assume this isn't some new thing? Wow, Jeanie, never thought I'd see that. How'd he get you to actually break a rule? And a better question, what does he see in you?"

"I see plenty," Ander stated, reaching around Elaine to grab my hand. "Your sister is wonderful. Even if she's a stubborn ass most of the time."

"I thought you liked my ass." I smirked.

He cast me a wink. "That I do."

"Gag." Elaine screwed her face into a grimace.

"But if we're in the questioning mindset..." I raised an eyebrow in Ander's direction. "Why the hell were you so intently inspecting my room?"

Ander's lips parted, but before he answered his eyes darted to Elaine. "It's not something I should say... for my safety and yours."

"Just pretend I'm not here," Elaine insisted. "Jeanie would tell me as soon as you left anyway. We have no secrets."

I managed to keep Ander a secret for over a year, El. "Just spit it out."

"Fine." He ran a hand through his hair. "I was looking for anything different. Anything that would explain why some people become loyalists and others aren't blinded by the Trujohnese mindset. Don't give me that face, Jeaniboo." Ander had caught my glare. "I see problems because of my books, but none of my friends have read those. And I want to see why they notice the same problems I do. If there's some reason... something that can be removed or added."

"Or," I offered, "you're looking for problems where they don't exist."

"I don't want to get into this debate right now," he sighed.

Elaine looked up at Ander, eyes going wide. "I thought it was just me... I thought I was crazy..." I'd never heard her voice so delicate. "Everyone said I was nuts to hate this place."

"Because you are," I said.

"No, you're not." Ander shook his head. "Tell me, Elaine, when did you start to feel this way?"

She chewed her lip. "I don't know."

"You don't have to answer," I interrupted. "He just wants to use your information to figure out how to get people in trouble."

"No. I want to answer." Elaine turned towards Ander, putting her back completely to me. "I guess it was because the idea of getting married... Marrying some random man... I mean, I can't think of a single man I'd want to spend that much time with."

Ander nodded. "That's why you started breaking laws?"

I couldn't fathom why Ander cared to know the source of Elaine's rebellion. It was as if he wanted to write a book on problematic citizens.

"Not exactly," she mused, staring at the mattress. Her eyes appeared moist. "I broke my first law by accident... my friend and I... when I was fourteen... She just—I swear I didn't mean anything to happen, but then it felt so good... if breaking one law felt good maybe it would feel as good breaking other laws."

"So you had your first in a series of one night stands. We get it." I flopped backwards, laying out across my bed.

Elaine whipped around, practically spitting at me. "Get your head out of your ass, Jeanie. Just because you went to college doesn't make you a genius. Keep your damn mouth shut on subjects you know nothing about."

I recoiled. That was new... That kind of fury... I'd never seen it in Elaine before. Annoyance and defiance, but never unchecked rage. At least not towards me.

Ander took her hand, bringing Elaine's attention back to him. "I'm not going to assume anything, but I think I understand. You don't have to marry a man. But you don't need to keep breaking the law to rebel. Just take the Mark. You won't get what you want, but at least you'll avoid marriage."

Elaine frowned. "I don't know... I don't want to go to college."

I counted the tiles on my ceiling, biting my lip to avoid starting an argument. No matter how infuriating this was, I didn't want another fight with Ander. Not after realizing how badly I'd missed him. And I'd need to live with Elaine, so I wanted to steer away from major conflict with her as well.

Ander nodded. "I don't know what else to tell you. But I wish you luck. I think I've figured out what I needed to."

Elaine rubbed her eyes. She's crying? Another new development. Finally she looked at me. "I mentioned that Mally left, so the room is yours again. I don't know why they didn't say good bye, but it was probably 'cause of Micheal."

"Or Mally didn't want me to sully her perfect baby boy," I grumbled, sitting up. "They were in such a rush they left a pair of Jim's undies."

She shrugged. "Or that. Anyway, I don't think Dad wants to see you any time soon, which means Mom won't want to either. Donald doesn't care and John knows you'd kill him if he barged into your room. Which means-" a sly grin crept to her face, forcing away her melancholy- "no one will be interrupting you two if Ander wanted to spend the night."

I bit my lip, glancing at Ander out of the corner of my eye.

Well, you've already risked everything today. Not like this could make it any worse than it would already be if you get caught, Andi whispered, a touch of reckless bravery filling the typically passive voice.

"It's definitely too late for Ander to be driving home. Dangerous even for a big tough man." Gang violence, robberies and shootings... Nothing good happened after One AM. Besides, now that we were on good terms again, I wanted some alone time with Ander.

"You're sure, Jeaniboo?" Ander raised an eyebrow. "I don't want to stay unless you want me to. And unless you're certain it won't get you in trouble."

"I'm not certain, but what the hell, I want you to stay." I shrugged, attempting to shoo Elaine out off my bed.

She stood, hands raised. "Don't have to tell me twice. Don't want to get in the way of whatever you're doing." Elaine headed for the door, snickering to herself. "Be safe, kids."

Once Elaine was gone I turned sharply to Ander. "What, are you writing a book or something?"

"Look, Jeanie, I know you don't agree with me, but I need to know the cause of this. Some people just see Trujohn differently and I'm going to go insane living here the rest of my life if I can't figure out why."

"That won't be too long if you keep this up." I crossed my arms.

Ander heaved a sigh. "I know better than to expect you to understand. Can't we just agree to disagree?"

"Fine," I muttered. "But I don't want you turning my sister into one of your little heretics."

"Heretics?" Ander snorted, nodding. "I kind of like that. Heretics—yeah. But you should take it easy with Elaine. She's going through a lot, and if it's what I think, she'll never be truly happy here. She'll never feel right."

Does anyone actually feel right? Is anyone truly happy? Isn't that just a part of living?

"I'll be nice," I promised. "Just, please, if we're going to make this work, you can't talk about this in my house. Or in my presence. I don't want to hear any more about it."

He wouldn't change for me, and I wouldn't change for him. This wouldn't work if he couldn't just ignore our differences. But I was willing to try. That was better than losing him.

Ander looked at the floor. "You might not need to worry about that. I skipped the meeting last night, 'cause—"

"You did?" Maybe he'd seen reason. Maybe he was giving up on all his heresies.

"Calm down, Jeaniboo." He ran a hand through his hair. "I still believe Trujohn isn't perfect. But I was called into Ervin's office, so I—"

His voice died away as footsteps echoed down the hallway outside my door. My heart leapt into my chest. When the footsteps faded away I noticed that I'd grasped  onto Ander's hand, squeezing his fingers so tightly they turned red.

Ander was good enough not to mention it. Instead he shook his head. "You know what, it doesn't matter why. Not now." He brushed his finger against my cheek, eliciting a flush of pink. "I love you, Jeanie." 

"I—" I almost said it. But I didn't. I'd never said that to anyone but Mom and maybe Elaine, not that I didn't love the rest of my family. I did. But love was a foreign concept the way Ander used it. Love was a term of loyalty and affection used for the country and occasionally close family members. I'd never heard Dad and Mom exchange vows of love; I'd never heard anyone say it to a romantic partner. It wasn't that love couldn't be shared between husband and wife, but it was just such a rare occurrence. No one said it. Except Ander. And he said it so easily, so sure of himself. I couldn't do that. Not even after we'd been together for over a year. "I'm glad we're good again. I missed you."

He smiled, but I could have sworn I saw disappointment flash in his eyes, as if he'd been expecting me to say more. In a moment, that brief despair had vanished and he was back to the cheerful Ander I knew. The cheerful Ander that had stayed up all night to help me pass a test—the Ander that had once learned how to sing the Trujohn National Anthem backwards because I didn't think he could. He was the Ander who remembered my favorite color even if I'd only mentioned it once. Ander, who'd made me believe I could never disappoint him... and yet, I had. Just because I didn't say three little words.

At this point, he ought to have just given up, Ross grumbled. You're never going to say it. You're just getting his hopes up for nothing. It's cruel.

Or, you're just not ready, Andi suggested, practically skipping up and down at the sight of Ander's smiling lips. You'll get there. He knows you can't move that far just yet.

Andi was right. I wasn't withholding anything to hurt him. He knew that. And despite mentally chiding myself for taking up Ander's childish names for the voices in my head, I let Andi urge me on as I brought my lips to his.

Ander pulled me back to his chest, letting my spine bend to fit perfectly against his torso. My hands ran through his hair, already messy before I started playing with it.

This was natural. This was familiar. This was safe. This was comforting. Ander and I together, forgetting about conflicts and just being together. My mind was erased of any anger I had for him, Ross completely muted by the sound of his breath, a sound I knew as well as my own voice. I got lost in his kisses, but found in his arms.

I didn't care if this was illegal. I didn't care if I got arrested. If that made me one of Ander's heretics, well, I didn't care about that either.

((I can promise a ton more excitement in the next chapter. It isn't as though I can let Jeanie be that happy for very long, now can I? Big trouble for the Bennett family very soon.

What do you think Ander figured out about Elaine, if he's even correct?

Dedications

DanGarrett : thank you so much! Your comments have heavily guided some of the conversations in the last couple chapters, making me ask myself things about Trujohn and the characters I'd never considered. Thank you again!