I'm sending you a letter from Jupiter and I don't know if it could get through 720 millions of kilometers to reach you, but I'm still writing and I'm still sending.

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Hey, how are you?

I know starting with asking how you are lately is so cliche and random but I don't know how to start casually and don't freak out in the process, and I will start rambling on so maybe I should open this letter with something less hectic. So hey, here I am writing you something again.

I have to admit I just keep thinking about us more often with time, and that is quite frustrated. A good kind of frustration. I'm drained out of energy because I'm feeling more and writing more and screaming more, and that's a good thing. That must be a good thing, being able to open myself up and gut everything out on the kitchen's floor and make myself so exhausted I can no longer stay up until four in the morning and get panic attacks from overthinking again. (but I still keep a notebook under my pillow in case the desire to write you something wakes me up at three and I can't go back to sleep unless ink covers several pages.)

Then I realised the reason I love you is not just you alone, but I love you for myself too, and the more I love you the more it's becoming clear who I am. I am selfish and despicable and I'm sorry for that but I love you and this is real and it's not gonna change. It's not gonna change even though you are not what I see or you don't understand how I look at you, so stop telling me loving you is foolish and unreasonable.

(I mean it literally, I can't even see the planet you're living in because the Sun is draping you in lights and heat and I can't see anything but I know you're there and I know parts of you and I still hear your voice and I know for a fact that I love those things.)

That is the first problem – I'm so selfish and egotistical and annoying. That is just the first problem why we can't connect.

The second problem is that we live on different planets. Like I said, you're living on Mercury and I am on Jupiter. I'm floating aimlessly in a giant ball of gases and dust and rocks in the middle of our Solar System while having no idea about when and where and why and how. I'm floating and seem like I will never have any idea about my life, except that I'm still living and I'm still longing and I'm still wondering and I'm still loving.

And you, you're living on Mercury. There is no colour where you live, only the black under your feet and the red from above. You're too far from me and too close to the Sun your hair is waving in flames and there are ashes in your footsteps. There's fire flickering in your eyes and under your skin and it's breaking you down piece by piece and you said it's dangerous but I still want to get closer and I still think you're beautiful even when you're just ruins left from a volcanic erruption. But you're too close to the Sun you're breaking down and we're too far apart for me to collect the pieces you dropped.

Hey, I'm sorry I started ranting off track again, the thing I want to say is we're more than seven hundreds and twenty millions of kilometers apart. Do you have any idea how far is that? I am in the Jovians and you are the first in the Terrestrials, do you know there are three planets, a ring of asteroids and many other bodies between us? And do you know I'm still waiting for the day this galaxy crumples on itself and we will finally have a tiny chance to collide? I'm surrounded by dust and rocks and ice and the cold crawls in my marrow but the hopes are stranded between my frozen fingers and I'm still holding on.

And I'm still gazing at you eventhough I can't even see you clearly and sunlights are blinding me.

I don't want to sound like I'm whining all the time because that is so annoying I'm frustrated by myself. And I don't want to be dramatic or arrogant or ignorant but I can't help myself and I can't stop the endless cries. You must be tired of me and my drama already. Everybody does and they admitted when I asked so I'm sorry. (me saying sorry and freaking out all the time must be disturbing too and I'm also sorry for that)

That must be the third reason I guess. Because I'm a fool and I do stupid things. Because we're not even close and I'm acting like I know everything about you, even the things you yourself don't notice. Because I panic and I overthink and I overreact and I hesitate. There are so many times I hesitated. I hesitate when I want to talk, I hesitate when I want to share something, I hesitate because I'm not brave enough and you're too far away. I hesitate because I know I'm looking at you through my polished vision and that might upset you and I don't want to sound so obnoxious (I am obnoxious now actually).

This sounds like a silly entry I write for myself more than a letter I write for you, and maybe it is. I just can't get myself to be less frantic and I am a mess. I'm sitting on a floating iceberg in a sea of hydrogen and helium and I can't feel my legs anymore but my hand is holding the pen and moving on its own. I have no control over what I'm pouring out and when you read this (if it has any chance to reach you) you would probably get angry or see me as some ludicrous clown and you should, I'm not going to deny it. If you're reading and you reach this point please just erase everything from your memory, this is just a bunch of crap which doesn't deserve your attention at all. (it's overdramatic and embarrassing, I won't deny it either)

This is a letter for you but this is also me. I'm acting way out of control again and I'm sorry.

But hey, I'm always here if you're feeling like no-one cares about you and I will keep writing.

Yours, forever and always.

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Fri, 12/08/2016.