Notes
By:Cakecat001/Cakey

Here's the thing
About being a
Gen Z,
Psychology student,
Diagnosed with
Major depressive disorder
And Generalized anxiety:

I can tell you
All the reasons
That my brain is fucked up
But
I can't fix it.
I look into the mirror
And I still tell myself,
"I hate you."
And I still ask myself,
"Why are you this way?"
When I know.
When I can look into my notes
Riddled with jokes
That say:
"Look its me!"
I can look myself in the mirror
And know
My brain is just fucked up.
I can look into the mirror
And still see
Something I hate,
Something I don't want to be around,
Something.
I look at myself
And I see a thing.
I look at other people
Not seeing something to be studied.
Because all I know
All I want to know about
Is in that thing I see
In the mirror.

And here's the thing
About being a
Gen Z,
Mental Health Advocate,
Studying computer science
At the same time:

I want to show the world
How we struggle
Me, and my problems
And others,
With the hundreds of other diagnosises
But sometimes
I look at the code
And all I can think
Is
How stupid I am,
How I don't know anything,
How I coded a game
But still,
Why do I not know enough?
Why don't I already know
Everything I need to know?
Why do I still need to study?
Why can't I just make something?
Why can't it just be good enough?
Why doesn't the story make sense?
Why don't the people fit?
What what are they missing?
What am I missing?
What's wrong with the code?
What's wrong with my code?
What's wrong with me?

So let me tell you,
There is so much more
To my diagnosis
Than what the DSM-5 or ICD-11
Will tell you.
I live a life
That feels isolating
That feels wrong
That feels undeserved
All because of these
Ways
My brain works

Those with
A Biological perspective
Will say
My brain works weird
Because of chemical imbalances,
Or genetics,
Or weird brain activity:
Higher in the amygdala,
Lower in the prefrontal cortex.
Those with
A Cognitive perspective
Will say
My brain works weird
Because I am prone to negativity:
The way I think,
Starts with negative thoughts,
Self evaluations,
And personal interpretation.
In the past,
Some would simply
Label me possessed
And kill me,
Trying to rid me of the demon
That plauges my mind.

Despite my studies,
I just think
My brain is weird
My mind is weird
I am weird.

Weird,
As a word,
Doesn't mean bad,
But here?
I wish
I simply wish
My brain wasn't weird.

Sometimes
I wonder
What life would be like
Without
This way that my brain works:
Would I be happy?
Would I not have this
Crushing feeling
Every single time
Something goes wrong
Or that I always get
Even when things go right?
Would I be able to function
In this,
Supernatural way,
Where everyday
Doesn't feel
Like the biggest challenge yet
Would I be able to get up out of bed? Would I be able to shower
Without panicking?
Would I be able to take care of myself
Without this crushing feeling?
Without this echoing hurt?

I wish
I could know
But I don't know
Anything else.

So what is it like?
To not
Doubt every second?
To not
Wonder if you should be alive?
To not
Question every little detail?
To not
Downplay every skill?
To not
Need to know it all first?
To not
Be terrified of mistakes?
To not
Shut down
Monthly, weekly, daily?
To not
Feel the pressure of people
Every second?
To not
Mask every neutral face?
To not
Force the smile?
To not
Have scars that come from
Mental battles?

What's it like?
To live
Instead of survive.