Percy Jackson

I slept for maybe an hour and laid in bed for like 4. Took a bath hoping it would help and it didn't. Didn't relax me.

Paul must be moving out soon because Mom texted telling me to call her when I have some time because it's important and I guess I don't really know what else it would be at this point in time. He must've found his own place or is waiting to be approved for it.

I just want one normal year. Just one.

Is that too much to ask?

It must be.

Around 7:00 I decided to take up the offer and text Nico because fuck this. Grover's trying to help Thalia and so he's with her right now, and I'm not mad or upset about it because she's going through this, too. Annabeth was her baby sister.

But when Mom wanted me to call, I didn't... I wanted to scream then and there because now it's not something I misunderstood or misheard from them.

It's real.

Paul's leaving.

Annabeth is dead.

I'm not waking up because this isn't a dream or a nightmare or a coma.

This is reality.

And every day I'm inching closer and closer to wanting to slit my fucking throat because I'm terrified of everything and it doesn't feel worth it anymore. Nothing really does.

Percy: hey would you be able to pop by if you're not already getting settled in for the night and whatever? Location

I hate this so much.

Nico: no problem! Do you want me to grab some food? Have you eaten?  I haven't yet.

Percy: uh sure go for it

Nico: alright, cool! I'll just order a take out! I'm down the road from you so I'll be there in 20 minutes tops!

Percy: sounds good

Be a lot cooler if it could be faster.

So the entire time I waited for Nico, Paul had texted me asking if I got mom's text and asking if the funeral went okay and I just...

Again, I didn't want to respond.

To think about it.

At least I kept the door open by the top lock thing because Grover doesn't have a key to my room because I didn't even hear it when Nico knocked or walked in. I texted him my room number. The door is open, close it when you come in.

Because I'm in the middle of losing my shit and he's like the only person from camp who really knows my parents.

Well, Tyson. Grover.

But I don't know, this was different.

He's not required to really be super nice and overly supportive. He can tell it as it is.

Maybe it was some sort of weird panic attack or anxiety thing. I don't really know. But I didn't notice Nico's presence until he sat down and pulled me into a hug because I fucking needed it.

Outside of Grover and Piper, nobody else has hugged since I found out about her death.

That shit hurts. Small stuff like hugs help more than you'd think.

His touch started to pull me back to reality, though. My eyes started to burn from the tears. My nose was stuffy. I hated everything.

"I can't..." I started off. "I can't handle this, Nico."

Because why the hell should my mom be texting me when it's 11:00 PM over there, telling me to call her because it's super important and we need to talk if Paul is okay?

It's because it's real. They're breaking up. I'm losing Paul, who was a better dad to me than the one I'm related to.

It should be able to wait until tomorrow.

But no, Paul's telling me to call her because it's important and we all need to talk now.

This was it. This is my line.

"Handle what?" Nico asked, probably vaguely knowing what I was talking about.

"Everything," I told the son of Hades. "Just my life. Why do my parents... Why would my mom text me now asking to call her because it's important and we need to talk? He found a fucking apartment and he's probably moving out and they can't just give me a fucking day..."

I stopped for a second.

"My best friend is dead," I said, feeling fucking worthless. "because of something that couldn't have been prevented or helped in any way. Jason is dead because of some asshole who's power hungry, along with however many others that we knew. I had a break down in my history class last week because I couldn't call myself in the day after I found out Annabeth was dead. Right in front of my teacher. Of course my dad doesn't give a shit, he hasn't called or emailed or sent anything to ask how I've been. Paul is leaving and can't even fucking wait until I go home on Friday to tell me. I've been running my ass off all week and...Instead they want to tell me on the day of the fucking funeral and..."

"And I can't fucking do this anymore," I confessed. "I've dealt with so much bullshit in my life and I just can't... I can't handle it, I can't do it anymore."

The last time I said it, I think he got at what I was kind of saying.

I asked Nico to come here so I don't try to kill myself.

And something about that, I just... Couldn't say that to Grover. Because I know he'd put too much of it on him. Saying he's a bad best friend and whatnot.

I didn't want to deal with his second hand guilt, so I figured Nico would be okay to vent.

Because I thought about it for a good hour or so. Sitting in the bath. Thinking about how badly I wanted to drown but how it's impossible. About how that's bullshit I can't do that but I can just hang myself or even just slit my wrists or something. It's so easy.

It's almost hard not to do it.

"Are you talking about..." Nico started off, not wanting to actually say it.

But I knew, because I asked him once. When he was over that first time. And he told me no, he wasn't.

I couldn't give him that answer without lying.

So I nodded my head.

He pulled me a little tighter.

"Nico, it..." My voice started to shake, and I fucking despised it. "It just... It hurts and it... It either hurts or it's numb and there isn't... I don't know how..."

•••

Nico di Angelo

30 seconds after confirming that he was suicidal, Percy fucking lost it.

The worst part about it is that there isn't one special thing I can do for it or about it. I can sit here and hug him and tell him that hey, it's going to be okay.

But he doesn't believe that and I know he doesn't because his life has gotten steadily worse over the past couple years and right now there's no visible end in sight.

Because one year can be a long time when you're dreading it.

We had some Chinese for dinner, though. There was a take out buffer style place so I just got a little of everything basic and he seems slightly more content after eating, but I feel like that was more of a glucose energy thing and not an emotional stability thing.

That wasn't a hungry cry.

Percy's suicidal.

And if he kills himself, I'm pretty sure I would, too. But I don't want to scare him by telling him that because that's also a huge and overwhelming story.

He's my friend first and my crush second.

After putting some food in his system, though, he left a note for Grover and we walked to my hotel and just talked for a while. He responded to Paul and his mom in a message telling them that he was exhausted and didn't have enough energy for a serious conversation, so unless somebody else died, it'll have to wait until tomorrow.

And I just let him talk at me. Of course I couldn't offer much advice outside of the basic just try to breathe and know your limits.

Your health comes before anything or anyone else. Because that's you. Not them. They're responsible for them, you never will be.

That's on them. You're on you.

He just needed that rant, though, I think. From somebody who sort of gets it. Not 100% of it, but like 75% of the idea.

Our main differences is that I was never suicidal, and he is. His line was crossed.

We fell asleep eventually, I don't really know when it happened because it was gradual from talking and watching a movie to sleeping.

I think he needed it, though. When we woke up, Percy was wrapped around me like a koala.

Which, normally, I'd like get away as soon as possible and try to chill out and act like it didn't happen. Which, nothing like physical or emotional happened like that.

But he needed it. He needed to be able to hold on to somebody that wouldn't just leave him for reasons that can or can't be controlled.

And if right now he's deciding that that's me, then I'm stepping up to the plate because he's my friend first.

And if my friend needs that, who am I to take that away from him?