It's about time I catch you guys up with what's going on in my life... Warning: I am very sad right now, so most of this will be depressing and kinda angsty... 

So, school just got out for me. I finished up my junior year in high school and... well... I'm not exactly ready to face the world as a senior. I'm not ready for that responsibility kinda thing, you know? The majority of my close friends have now officially graduated and plan on moving out by the end of the summer. 

Now, I'm a fairly accepting person. If my friends want to move away, I'm not going to stop them. The one problem is trying to convince me that everything is going to be okay. I have so many big dreams for the future, but I just feel like everything I know is being thrown on its head and spun around at a million miles an hour. 

On top of that, my parents left for a cruise yesterday. They'll be gone the entire week and, don't get me wrong, I love my Gma's house, it just feels a little like a prison with all of my siblings in the same small house. I don't mind sleeping at her house, but I just feel... trapped... 

The internet really has been my only sanity. My two senior friends are leaving on Wednesday on a choir tour, my other friends have already left for Disneyland on an orchestra tour, and I have Youth Conference coming up on Wednesday as well. I have so much going on for the first week of summer, and I'm not sure I'm okay with that. The stress of what I need to do is starting to mount. 

Okay, I'm going to go off on a little...shpiel... 

Now that my friends are planning to move out, reality really has decided to smack me in the face. I don't know where to turn, I don't know what to do, and I just feel so lost and scared. I am alone in this horrible world and I don't know what to do... Gosh, I'm freaking starting to cry, I'm sorry... 

It's just... with my friends leaving, it just reminds me that I have less than a year to get my crap together before I'm thrown out into the real world. I may or may not be having a job over the summer. I have already ruined the only scholarship opportunity I had this past year. Honestly, I feel like my world is falling apart, and I don't know what to do! 

I am lost. I am scared. I am wandering in circles waiting for someone to grab my hand and whisper run. I... I feel like... if I can't hold onto my dream to get Soul Mate published... what's the point of living? 

Sadly, I've been thinking about that a lot and I don't know how to go about my thought process. Sure, I may not have had a period for, what? Maybe 5 months now? but that doesn't mean I'm having emotional problems... Maybe it is that week, who knows? I sure don't. 

*sighs and rubs my eyes with the heels of my palms* I'm not trying to get anyone's pity or sympathy, I want to announce that right now, but I feel so... lost. That's the only way to explain how I feel. Yes, I know my parents love me. Yes, I know my friends love me. Yes, I know that I have so much life to live, but I honestly feel so stressed and disconnected, I don't know how to go about navigating my feelings. 

Please... if any of you have any good ideas on how to handle these kinds of feelings, please tell me... I'm scared... I'm terrified... I know I'm loved, but I feel like I don't deserve it nor can I accept any of it. It wouldn't be right of me if I did... 

So yeah... emotionally taxing week ahead and so much to get done before June 7th. I doubt I'll be able to make the time frame, but I can still try... I can still submit my crap of a manuscript into a publishing company's contest. Nothing like submitting a piece of crap to someone hoping to get a prize, right? 

Alright, I'll be sure and leave now. Thanks for, at least, reading this all the way though. 

Have a great day everyone. You deserve it.