Nov. 26th, 2013

I know I know… I haven’t updated this in a while…

Personally? My life has been running in circles. My grades are dropping, I am becoming more stressed, and with all of these breaks for Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. I am running out of time to get school work done. I am starting to disintegrate… Or even better,

MMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLTTTTTTTTTIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *screams and falls to knees*

But hey, I am still alive.

FOOOR NOOOOW….. *looks off into the distance*

Anyway, lets start at the beginning….

Nah. That would take too long. Lets start with the big stuff.

Sooooooooo……… A few weeks ago, my mood swings were becoming HORRIBLE. No, I do not have bipolar nor do I have some sort of mental illness. I was just having SERIOUS mood swings. For an example, I pondered committing suicide but did I do it?

NO

How could I be here typing on this school computer, stressing about the test I will have to take at the end of the day? Exactly….

Anyway, the day before my life changed, my friends and I were in health and we were talking about depression. I could almost see my friends fitting my situation into the symptoms. I knew they were worried about me… I could almost feel it. Every few minutes, they would exchange a look, as if confirming a suspicion.

Anyway, the day after or the day before that, I was given a note to go to the counseling center. At the time, I was thinking, ‘What did I do now?’.

A fact about me, I HATE getting in trouble. It’s just me.

Anyway, I entered the counseling center and walked into the 9th grade counselor's room. I saw my friends sitting in the chairs, and my first thought was,

‘Oh no… what did we do..?’

(i am going to make up a name for my friends and the counselor to hide their ID)

“Welcome Clover,” Mr. Hand said, “take a seat. You’re not in trouble or anything.” I hesitantly took a seat and looked at my friends.

“What’s going on?” I asked. My friends, Haley and Cel, looked at Mr. Hand, wanting him to explain. Mr. Hand leaned forward and asked me,

“Clover, your friends tell me that you are having some seriously sad thoughts. They’ve shown me the text messages.” My first thought was, ‘They care…? Why would they care…?’

(a bit of background, I was texting my friends about how sad I was. I told them I wanted to go home. Home as in HOME home, if there are any people who can understand that… They tried to help me be happy, but would only last for so long.)

I nodded, “Yeah… I’ve been a little down.” Cel and Haley seemed to disagree with that. I couldn’t blame them.

Basically, we talked and I told them the way I have been trying to get better. My mom had taken me to the doctor and I was on meds. They seemed happier about that.

Some more background about this, throughout my WHOLE elementary school and part of my junior high years, I had no friends.

None.

Ziltch.

Nada.

So when this happened, I was beyond shocked. I actually had people care about me, other than my family. I had people I could hang out with, be able to talk my problems out with, and some people who I can lean on for help.

Now, I know that a lot of you guys care about me, but this was more of an impact on me. These were friends I could actually hug and touch. I love you guys too! PLEZ DONT TAKE ANY OF THIS OFFENSIVELY!!!

Anyway, after my friends talked about how worried they were, Mr. Hand asked them to leave. Cel and Haley left and went for a walk. Mr. Hand faced me,

“Alright Clover, I know this is going to sound totally stupid, but I have to ask you some questions about you thinking about committing suicide.” I nodded, now feeling guilty I even thought about the option. Mr. Hand wanted to know if it was okay if he told my mom.

I had no problem with that. I didn’t even want to have this conversation with my parents. I was worried they would get mad at me. Or even worse, strap me to the top of a car, drive on the freeway and make elephants chase after me.

*crickets in background*

Yeah… I was that worried.

After Mr. Hand and I had our talk, he told Cel and Haley that it was okay to come back inside. We talked a bit longer, then Mr. Hand gave us a few pieces of candy.

I was happy for the candy and all, but I was depressed.

I had failed.

Many of you on here would probably fight that claim, but I felt stupid, horrible, and guilty. I didn’t know what I was going to do.

But I did know one thing…

I had friends. True. Honest. Trustworthy. Beautiful. And most of all…

Awesome in every way.

If you guys want to follow them on wattpad, you can PM me for their usernames.

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Soooooooooooooo…………. yeah. I now have REAL friends that I can hang out at school with. My life has become easier since then, but the challenges still come flying at me.

Advice: Never give up hope. There is someone out there in this world who will understand, help, and will love you. Friend wise, Family wise or relationship wise. There are people who understand. You. Are. Not. Alone.