BOOK: Curiosity and Pride

AUTHOR: ColeReveal

REVIEWER: 08_Umm_Waraqah

TITLE AND COVER: 3/5

I like the simplicity of your cover. The darkness of it, as well. It's beautiful, maybe even alluring. Does it say fantasy, I'm not sure. Does it not say fantasy, I am not sure either. The title and author name are bold, those are really important in a cover. So, I guess you did great. But I'll suggest you get a better cover if and when you can. But for now. I think this works.

Curiosity and Pride. Hmmm, that seems like a general fiction title. Even at that, it doesn't have this... enthralling effect the title should have. I'm not sure if I were scrolling through Wattpad, I'd click on your book based on the title alone. But hey, that might just be me. All in all, though, I advise you to try out other titles (make sure that they are gripping and have something to do with your book).

BLURB: 2/5 

 Okay, your blurb is... good, contains all the elements that a blurb should have. But... But I think it could benefit from a little reconstruction. For example, the first part is great. I like that it starts with a hooking first line, but after that, the rest is somehow. That is probably because of the past tense used, or the unnecessary words. It's a little confusing, as well. So, below, I've reworked the first part (I wrote it in the present tense, which is the standard tense for a blurb, cut out the words I deem unnecessary and made it, I hope, generally less confusing, more punchy). 

Michelle Grand still can't believe her best friend is dead, even now, with the unusual happenings around her. Even at that, this part of your blurb doesn't seem needed. There's nothing that ties it to the rest of the blurb. No mention of Miranda, her best friend, or the unusual things in the other parts. It's like you're using one blurb for two different stories.

To the best of my knowledge, you can fix this in two ways: 

1) Centre the blurb around Miranda. Tell us a little about her, this best friend's death, the unusual happenings, and what her role will be in stopping the enemies. 

2) Cut out the Miranda part, and start the blurb from the Seven Deadly Sins situation. This will be nice if you want the identity of the 'saviour' to be unknown to the readers. 

I would have loved to finish reconstructing your blurb, but that would be of no benefit, as you still need to decide which story you want to tell in the blurb, or whose story you want to tell. 

PROLOGUE: 2/8.3 

A prologue should foreshadow an event or events to come in a story, provide background information on the central conflict of the story, establish the point of view of a character or another character who is important to the story, or set the tone for a story (Masterclass; How to Write a Prologue). 

I read your prologue twice and don't find it doing any of the works listed above. The little foreshadowing there is happening in the last paragraph, and maybe the first dialogues. Asides from those, all the information is given are absolutely not needed. I'll suggest you cut out the prologue, as it basically has no purpose. Or turn it into the first chapter, you can add the original first chapter to it to make it fuller. Or, if you must have a prologue, cut out all those miscellaneous details (except they're absolutely needed, which I absolutely doubt). In fact, you could have that last paragraph (refined, of course) alone as a prologue and it'll work. 

Because I don't consider this a prologue, I won't talk about the grammar and punctuation issues.

CHAPTER ONE: 4/8.3 

I'll start by saying you have a nice way with words, and by extension, descriptions. I have a problem processing written imagery, but I could follow yours a bit. So, good work. Now, though your descriptions are good, your grammar errors really took away from them. Right from the very first sentence. Look out for some of those errors in the grammar section of this chapter. 

I have the same problem with this chapter as I did with the prologue (plot-wise, at least). Nothing seems to happen except for the mystery guy Robert saw, and the mysterious knock on Aliza's... Especially on Aliza's and Mitchell's part. Asides from the fact that Aliza hates bananas but is eating them today, there's really nothing to their whole park meeting thing. I wish there was something more, just so it doesn't leave this okay-what-did-we-learn-from-this feeling. But, I may be wrong. After all, no one knows a story better than its author. 

There's also the issue of your writing style. You use the third person omniscient point of view, which means readers get to see, feel, know, more than the characters themselves do. While you did a nice job on this, I'm not sure you've gotten a good grip on it. The transition from Aliza and Mitchell to Robert and Anabelle then back to the friends is jarring. Because I don't have that much experience regarding this pov, I won't leave any suggestions so as not to confuse you further. I'll advise you, however, to read more on point of view, the types, advantages and all that. This is so you can make an informed decision on which pov suits your story and how to go about it. For the record, I think the omniscient point of view works for this book, I just think it could be better executed. 

That said, I'll commend you on a good opening line (it wasn't a bang, but it didn't fall flat either) and, well, the finishing line. And hey, I didn't find any punctuation issues!

GRAMMAR: I think the main problem here is with your tenses, and because your tensing isn't right, we have awkward sentences. I'll point out some of the ones I found in this chapter below:

 Original: Michelle gave no response and watched her friend THREW the banana peel...
 Fixed: Michelle gave no response and watched her friend THROW the banana peel...

 Original: Although Anabelle came from a family of Vegans, she occasionally EAT meat...
 Fixed: Although Anabelle came from a family of Vegans, she occasionally ATE meat... 

 Original: HE'S afraid.
 Fixed: He was afraid.

There are other awkward sentences that have nothing to do with tenses. 

 Original: Aliza Walters had hated bananas ever since...
 Fixed: Aliza Walters hated had always hated bananas. Or... Aliza Walters hated bananas. 

 Original: She sat back to her friend...
 Fixed: She sat back with her friend... Or...She went back to her friend... 

You'd do well to go through this chapter, as there are more sentences that need restructuring. 

CHAPTER TWO: 2.3/8.3 

Though I knew from the blurb that Aliza would die, her death still shook me. Mitchell's reaction evoked sympathy, as well. As for Morgan, well I'm not sure. Do we really need that background story? I mean, we do, as I believe it serves to give characters depth. I just think it could have been shortened. The way you wrote about Zak, Andrew, and Crawford, it seems as though they'd play a significant role in this story. 

So, I won't lie, I didn't enjoy this chapter. There are just too many awkward sentences for me to really be invested in the happenings in it. Sentences like: 

 Original: And he couldn't stop himself to hug her.
 Fixed: And he couldn't stop himself from hugging her. 

 Original: Zak Villan wrapped his arms around the wounded girl.
 Fixed: Zak Villan wrapped his arms around the wounded girl. 

 Original: The jaded kids stayed, still shocked of the entire happening.
 Fixed: The jaded kids stayed, still in shock from the entire happening. 

 Original: Ethan was the first to give off his arms.
 Fixed: Ethan was the first to drop his arms. Or... Ethan was the first to back of... 

     I could go on and on and on because almost every paragraph in this chapter has sentences like the ones above. This is also why I won't be reading the third chapter as I intended. 

However, I have to commend you on a job well done in the punctuation department. You have that locked down. Though, you made one mistake that I won't point out because I think it just slipped your mind. Maybe it's the more reason I should point it out. 

 Original: Is this a joke Miss? 
 Fixed: Is this a joke, Miss?

The line I love the most in this chapter is the sticker and the wall analogy. Very good. Who knows, I might just be stealing it sometime. 

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: 4/5 

I like how info about your characters aren't dumped on us. We only get bits and pieces relevant to a scene or an event. I don't even know much about the physical features of the characters, which is a good thing for me as I mostly skip physical descriptions anyway, and I don't think it should be a problem for your book, as well.

The characterisation is subtle, but solid, on my part. Take the line where Aliza throws the banana peel in the bin before taking her ice cream. I believe that shows she's neat, or at least, respects her surroundings and is very careful. 

Mitchell's reaction to Aliza's death also says something about her. She doesn't scream or go hysterical. She reacts in a subtle yet heart-shattering way. That and the part where she doesn't reply to Aliza's 'people change' probably shows she's quiet, doesn't like attention or arguments, or thereabouts.

PLOT. 3.5/5

You have a solid plot. I don't know how it'll play out, because, hey, I only read two chapters. But I'm fairly certain readers that make it past chapter two will be in for a bang. That is if your strange sentences don't totally cushion the effect. Your story seems original to me, at least, original in its own way. So I guess you've got a good thing going for you in this section.

PARTING SHOTS:-

A) Ask yourself if a prologue is needed. If it is, make it short, begin with a hooking opening line, contain important backstory or foreshadow an event to come later in the book, free of errors and unnecessary details. Bottom line, read about the prologue, its use, and follow clear tips on writing one. 

B) Read chapters out loud to yourself when you're done writing, or have someone do that for you. Correct errors accordingly, or have someone do that for you. A good story written with bad grammar is more or less a bad story. 

C) You have a nice way with words. Hone it by reading more books, observing intently how the words are strung together, and applying your observations in your writing.

OVERALL ENJOYMENT: 1/5
I think I would have enjoyed it better were it not for the obvious issues.

PARTING WORDS:-

By requesting a review, you gave me permission to scour your book for errors, strengths, and weaknesses. I have done this to the best of my ability, and I hope you excuse whatever harsh or overly exaggerated statements I might have made. I also hope whatever I've said here will help you and your book become better.

    That said, your overall score is 21.8/50.
Do leave comments so I can be sure I didn't review a book authored by a ghost. If you have complaints or something like that, feel free to drop them in the comments section. Tag me, though, so I can see them. 

Yours in Writing, 

Raaina Akorede Aranmolate.