Corl POV

 I sink into my couch, damn it. I messed up everything. . .I did a stupid thing and left all my friends behind and ran away with a girl to Montreal, I barely even knew her. . . I risked everything, how can I be so stupid? My heart just doesn't know what it wants, I try so hard. . .so damn hard. I lost everyone, because I bet everyone hates me. For this one girl. . .but I'm back home, ill be okay? I don't really know. I haven't even posted on my youtube channel for two months, I don't know how I managed to sustain myself in this world.

I run my hand through my hair and then cover my face with both hands, I just hate myself. Maybe it was a good thing I don't talk to them anymore, since I just make everything worse when I open my mouth. Sometime I wish I could close my mouth with a key, too make everything better...I get up from the couch, I can't just cry on this couch, I need to do something. Maybe start up my youtube channel again? No one probably cared that I am gone. . .most of my fans don't understand at a young age. So how would I explain how I wanted to kill myself? I can't. I'll pretend I'm all better, even though it's not.

I'll put on a mask, for the kids, for them. . .I get out my recording supply, I look at my camera in my suit case, I see my reflection through the lens. Who was that person I see? I felt a tear run down my face and drop on the lens, I quickly clean it off. I set up everything, and sit on my chair, I go to press the record button but I hesitate being so close to the hesitate button. Why? I have put a mask on before, what was the problem now? Was I just tired of this? I ignore my thoughts and press record.

"Hey guys, my name is Corl and we are playing bloxburg!" I do my intro and smile like everything is okay. I continue playing, I couldn't keep my mind straight, I kept messing up in games. 

Finally I was done recording so I say my outro, "Toodle loos and Love your shoes and beep bop!" I shut down my computer and sigh. I need my friends, I need them.

Lexi POV

I cry a little bit, I didn't want anyone to see me cry, when was Corl coming back? I tried calling him millions of times, he never would answered. My friends told me he didn't deserve someone like me, that he wouldn't have left. But still inside of me I didn't hate him. I was a mess without him, that was the point! I don't think it's healthy being like this over a boy, it's sad that he ran away with another girl. But Corl wasn't just a boy in my world, he was my hero. . . I guess he didn't feel the same way as I did, I locked myself in my room for a day now, ate just a granola bar and some water.

I need to get up and go outside, because I know I can't just hide forever. I wish I could, but I can't. Corl isn't coming back, is he? I need to get over it soon, my heart needs to back to beating normal. Well nothing has been like it used to be like, I am always sad, depressed. It's clique but when I was with Corl I felt a small bit of hope I guess I could say, but maybe Corl might be gone?  Forever had a different meaning now, forever didn't mean love like 'I'll love you forever' it means  forever pain, like this pain wasn't going to leave. It's like my depression got an invitation to a party, and that party was my body. and it had so much fun it stayed.

I can't escape this feeling so hard I try, people tell me just keep fighting, don't you think I tried? I swear everyone is the same, telling me you'll make it through the pain, but they have to live my life to understand. They can tell me sweet nice things but thats all they can do. No one will truly understand, even if you think you understand you won't because everyone is different. You can't change that. Its impossible. . .

I hear a knock on my door and just stay still in my bed, not moving just my mouth saying, "Who is it?"

"It's Denis." My eyes widen, he can't see me like this. He can't, he was to sweet to waste his time on me.

"Oh, what are you doing here?" I made sure my voice wasn't unsteady.

"I just wanted to check up you and all. . .and before you freak out, Clare let in the house."

"Oh." I told Clare not to let anyone inside if they were going to try to talk to me.

"Yeah. . .well, um I know it's been hard and all. I want to talk or something, will you let me inside your room, or we can talk in the living room?" Denis suggested.

"No Denis, I am okay, really. Thanks for trying to help?" 

"Please Lexi? I know you aren't okay. I mean I wouldn't be either, Corl was my best friend. I can't imagine what's going through your mind right now. I want to be there to help. I want to help, I am not doing this out of pity. I care for you lot's, I want to be there to at least make you feel like you can talk to someone." Denis explained, I smiled.  Denis was always such a great friend. . .

"O-okay." I get up and open my bedroom door. Denis quickly hugs me, I ease into him and hug back.

"Thanks." I say. We both sit down on my bed, and talk. We talk about what I am feeling, finally talking to someone felt nice. I poured all my energy out doing so though. It took everything inside me to show how I felt.

"Lexi, I love you, you are one of my best friends! And if you just need someone to snuggle with and cry over sad movies ill be here." Denis smiles warmly. Denis and I were comfortable doing that, we knew we wouldn't grow a romantic relationship since Denis wasn't into girls. 

"Can we do that now?" I say giving him the TV remote. He smile and nods.

*time skip to next day*

I wake up, feeling better than yesterday, but I still felt like something was missing. My mind went to corl, I miss him so much. It has veen two months, I haven't gotten over it. I look at my phone, maybe if I just call him one more time? No. Corl doesn't care, he is a jerk...but he was my jerk.

I get ready for the day I see Clare, "You are finally up!" Clare said, she was my roomate.

"Yeah yeah." I yawn, I was still sleepy.

"I have been meaning to say. . .corl texted me, he said if he can talk to you since somehow he didn't have your phone number." Clare blurted out.

"And when did he text you?"

"A week ago. . ."

"What the hell?! And you haven't told me? You knew I wanted to talk to him."

"I didn't want to tell you, I was looking out for you!"

"How?"

"I didn't want you to get hurt anymore by corl. I wanted you to move on, corl does not deserve you!"

"I just can't take this anymore! You keep telling me he was a jerk, but you never really new him. I knew him, I loved him. And you knew that." I state. I keep my tears from falling out.

"I am sorry." Clare plainly states.

"You know what, I just need some space." I grab a coat, as I walk through the door but then stop and look at clare, "Can you um give corl my phone number?" I ask.

Clare nods, "You are coming back right?" She asks. I nod, I hope I was. I walk through the door and then I have no clue where to go, I decide to just walk to the neartest park in walking distance. It was cold, It was winter and I could make this smoke clouds when I talked.  I felt my phone buzz, I recognized the number, it was Corl. My heart started to beat faster. I was scared to see what the text said, but I clicked it and sat in the park bench.

"Hey lexi. Can we talk?" I read the text.

I can't help myself so I text back saying, "Yeah, wtf happened?"

Corl replies, "Im so sorry, Lexi. I made an aweful mistake. Please let me be there for you again."

I feel the tear run done my face, I love corl. I text back saying, "You broke me, if you want to be there for me where were you when you ran away with that girl 2 months ago? I honestly don't know who you are anymore. And I still love you, but im trying to get over you. I don't want to get hurt anymore." I think about sending it, should I? I just press send, there is no chance of going back.

"Im sorry." Corl plainly replies over text.

"Is that all you have to say? Really?" I type and send.

"Lexi, please. Can we meet up?"

"Okay. When and where?"

"Im still in Montreal, how about tomorrow? At the park thats closest to you at five."

"Okay. Bye." I text and put my phone back into my pocket. I wrap myself in my own hands. Why was this happening to me?

°°°°°°°°°°

It was almost five, I got nervous. I got ready and went to the park waiting for corl. A few minutes past over five, corl still wasnt here. Of course. I should just leave. But I can't. Its like I can't control my own body. I start to cry, this wasn't about corl anymore. I just used corl as an excuse as why im so depressed. I realized I am just like that. I dont want to deal with this pain anymore. Its too god damn hard. I wipe my tears with my arms but they just keep coming. There is no point. I burry my head in my knees.

I feel a hand on my shoulder. Still crying, I look up. I saw corl. I quickly stand up. Corl just hugs me. I just ease into him and cry.

"I love you." Corl whispers.

"I love you too."

"Lexi, talk to me. Whats wrong?" He asks. No, I dont want to hurt him. I seperate from his arms.

"There is no point, Corl. I like a fucking snowman, they are strong at the beginning but they melt. Im going to fucking melt one day. You can't help me." I say.

"I can try. Please lexi, don't give up. You are an amazing-" I cut him off.

"I don't want a list of why I am okay, because that won't work."

"Keep fighting for me, please."

"You are just like everbody else. 'Keep fighting'" I do air quotes with my hands, "Don't you think I am trying?" Corl was speechless.

"I dont even feel like I am living. And if this is living, I would rather die. Tell me when is it going to change? I just feel like I am going backwards." I felt pain in my chest, I don't have a purpose.

"Lexi, i know it feels like there is no purpose but you can make it through the pain. We can make it through the pain. You are stonger than you think, you are such an awesome person. I know reality sucks but death isn't the answer. You still have your whole life ahead of yourself. Don't leave me please, I need you. We need eachother." Corl was crying, what have I done?

"Corl I love you, that's why I want to leave. I don't want to cause you pain."

"I don't care about the pain. All I care for is you." Corl cries.

"I just can't do thsi anymore. I am sorry! I just can't. Im just so done."

"This is all my fault. All of it." Corl states, we both stay quiet. Corl, with tears on his face, kisses me. I feel his soft lips on mine. I kiss back, I felt this awesome feeling like fireworks lit up inside me. He puts his arms around my waist.

"We can do this. We are strong, i believe is us." Corl whispers.

For lexihart007 Merry christmas. Love you<3 I hope we spend another year with eachother.