Bełchatów, 24/12/2018

Dear Mikołaj,

Do you remember our last Christmas together?

It was three years ago. It was supposed to be our best Christmas. Everything was doped with the last button. We were going to my parents, to Łodź. Do you remember the smell of gingerbread that floated when we entered? Maya, my sister had already cooked them. Before you said anything, I had already started preparing dumplings. Then we all dressed the Christmas tree together. I remember that you didn't want to eat poppy soup and you said that it looked disgusting. I managed to persuade you to eat it. You liked it. You took two extras. We laughed then, and you with us. I miss your laughter, which was able to infect everyone around. When Marek, my cousin, told a funny joke, you laughed. Infecting others and making him feel uncomfortable. After the meal, it was time for gifts. To this day I remember how happy you were with the new guitar that my parents gave you. I will never forget how we decided to give our Christmas presents face to face, alone. I will not forget this common expectation. When the time came, I got the best Christmas gift in my whole life from you - you proposed to me. My gift was nothing to do with it, but you were still happy. It was a CD of our favourite band with autographs and a note from me. In fact it was our best Christmas. When I remember all this today, it comes to me how much I miss you at that time, and most of all.

Two years ago we were to get married. Exactly in the Christmas period. We both dreamt about it. Everything was planned. We came earlier to be able to prepare everything. It was also planned to spend Christmas with my family and your families, so that three days later we could stand before a priest. But we couldn't have foreseen an accident....
I remember it through the fog, but it was on December 22nd that our world and our plans stood upside down. I was in the second month of pregnancy. We wanted to have a sacramental "yes" behind us. You drove in a prescribed way. Fate was not in line with our plans. Some madman decided to overtake us. Unfortunately he didn't notice the car he knows the opponent. That one stopped. And this one turned violently and drove into us. I grabbed your hand. I lost consciousness. Two days later, on Christmas Eve, I woke up in the hospital, at the ICU. It took a long time before everything reached me. Next to me there was a crying mother. I asked her about you. "He died in an accident." Her words hurt me. "And the child?" I asked, although I was afraid of the answers. "With the child in order, but they amputated your left hand." The one you were holding for your fiancé. To this day I will remember this relief mixed with deep sadness and grief. However, I would prefer not to remember. I would have preferred you to be still alive next to me. I couldn't afford a deep, deep longing or falling into depression, for the good of the child. But sometimes there were days when I just had to cry. Majka insisted that she would stay with me for a short while and take care of me. It was the worst Christmas in my life.

Next year I didn't go to my parents. I was simply afraid. They came to us. This time we spent Christmas with Tobias. Do you remember that this is how we wanted to call our son? But this time I missed you. I missed you very much. I spent these Christmas in dullness, in longing. I knew, however, that I had to live for our son.

This year. Today. Now. I want to tell you who my idol is. You always asked me about it, but I answered "you will find out in your time". The truth is that I didn't have one. Now, at this moment, I realize an unusual thing. I have always admired you. You were my idol. Do you remember? You asked what would have happened if I had spent Christmas with my idol. Do you already know? But not only that you were my idol. You will always be my idol despite the fact that you are no longer with me. I have the impression that you have prepared yourself for this unexpected accident. How? Writing your last song you wanted to sing at the wedding. Yes. I found the lyrics. It's amazing and just wow. I still admire and love you.

Already in a moment
We will finally be together
In just a few days
I will be able to call you my wife

Hey don't run away from me
Stay with me on this beautiful day
And let's listen together
In the common beating of our hearts

I know that we want this
I know we both want that,
So what else are we waiting for?
Let's get started!

Hey don't run away from me
Stay with me on this beautiful day
And let's listen together
In the common beating of our hearts

Don't be sad when I leave
Don't be sad when you're alone,
Because I will be forever
At the bottom of your heart

Hey don't run away from me
Stay with me on this beautiful day
And let's listen together
In the common beating of our hearts

We will soon say to ourselves that
In health and disease
We will never leave.
Yes, I want to! That's how we want it together!

Remember and don't forget
You will be in my heart forever
Just like me in yours,
Because our love will survive everything

My idol I thank you for spending the best Christmas of my life with you. Thank you for giving me love and a son. Forgive me for sometimes terrible thoughts about ending my life. Not only have you been, you are and you will be my idol, but also the guy of my dreams and dreams. I promise you that I will fulfill all our dreams, and I bring you up as a wonderful man as you were. As you will always remain in my heart. Nevertheless, I will not spend all these Christmas alone, because you will always be next to me. It is in my heart and in the eyes of our son. I love you forever, despite various adversities. I believe that one day we will meet in a better world.

Your a bad wife....

The end