Luana Jackson

Vati said that I could go a friend's house if I wanted to, so I went to Celine's house. We've been friends for a long time, since we were like, 8 of something. I haven't been over ever since we've gotten back from America. She's been over a few times, I just haven't been here yet.

I missed her Vater.

I didn't really miss her Mutter.

"Luana!" Celine's dad said as soon as we got into the living room. "Oh mein Gott, hallo! Wie war Amerika?"
Luana! Oh my God, hi! How was America?

"Es war cool!" I answered. "Ich habe Deutschland lieber, na sicher. Mein Großeltern sind da, und das schön war. Um, ja. Oh!"
It was cool! I like Germany better, of course. My grandparents are there, which was nice. Um, yeah! Oh!

I paused.

"Mein Vati heiratet!"
My dad's getting married!

"Er heiratet!?" Both of them responded, because it really hasn't been that long, when you think about it.
He's getting married!?

I mean, it's been about a year, but... Still.

I'm happy for them, don't get wrong, it just seemed to happen really fast.

I told them about Nico and Carlos, though. How they reconnected in New York and hung out because Finn and Carlos hung out a lot, and the feelings were there. He moved in in January because Nico's lease ran out and it just worked out. His job is mostly online, so when we decided to move back, it really didn't effect his job.

But now they're engaged and getting married. Which is exciting. Vati's been doing really good with Nico and he seems a little less stressed about a lot of things. Grandpa is... A weird situation. I don't really ask.

"Nico?" Celine's Mutter asked me, seeming a little puzzled, and I saw her husband's reaction to her reaction. It didn't look like it was good. "Kurz für Nicole, oder? Sie kommt aus Amerika, Nicole ist ein typisch Amerikanischer Name."
Nico? Short for Nicole, or? She's from America, Nicole is a normal American name.

Confused, I corrected her.

"Nein," I insisted. "Nur Nico."
No. Just Nico.

"Oh."

And that's what started it.

She asked me questions that made me kind of uncomfortable. Asking if it was weird to not have a mom but have two dad and how that must be hard on me being the only girl and she said that my Vati was inconsiderate of me and my feelings by being with Nico.

Tried to make it sound like he was a terrible person, when he isn't.

She called him a freak.

I was sent home when I tried to defend him.

•••
Percy Jackson

I made so much food for dinner, it was insane.

But seeing Luke again was... I mean, it was kind of surreal. I forgot how much I missed having him around.

I missed a lot of people.

Maybe I should call them, but... I don't know.

I always get so close and I back out of it. I say that I'll do it. I tell myself that I'm going to send a text or call them. Soon.

But I never get around to it.

Because I'm afraid.

Luana told me what happened at Celine's house. What her parents and... And I just told her that people can suck, right? But we're smarter than that. We're better than that.

I know that I should go to therapy. I know that it's bad that I've never talked to a therapist about anything.

But I'm afraid.

My family and Celine's family have gotten along for years. Her dad was my best friend. And of course, Dietrich didn't say anything bad about me because he's always known, I'm sure. We were best friends when we were little.

But his wife... To hear what Katja said...

It put Gabe back in my head.

And I'm terrified.

So it's the middle of the night. Or at least, the kids have all retreated to their beds. Luke, Silena, and Beckendorf are in a hotel because they insisted on not intruding. Plus, they already paid for it.

Nico was downstairs, and I don't... Really know what I was thinking.

My time with Nico has been this wave of happiness and self-improvement. Even when he wasn't doing the best, recalling the camps and that whole month, and even realizing that I shouldn't be staying in America. In New York. That it wasn't...

I thought that maybe with distance, the problems would go away.

But it just suppressed it.

So to bring it back... Hurt.

It hurt a lot.

And now there's blood on the bath mat.

Because I was terrified of this pain that's been residing in me, waning, and waiting, for most of my life. I didn't know when it would... When it would hit or how or why.

And that's terrifying.

At least pain... At least I can control it. I can feel numb to the rest of it and... Just not have to feel...

Why does feeling hurt so much?

Old habits are old for a reason.

But they're so easy to fall back into.

•••
Nico di Angelo

All I wanted was to fill up my water bottle before going to bed because I stay hydrated. It took a minute because I used the last of the ice, so I had to put some new water in the tray and what not.

I didn't think the extra two minutes would really effect anything. They usually don't.

I didn't think that when I got up to our bedroom, that Percy would be in the bathroom.

Not because he had to go to the bathroom or wash his face or brush his teeth or shower. It wasn't because of anything like that.

He was... Crying. Standing at the sink with the door open. Our bedroom door had been shut, but it's our bedroom, so I went in. That's just how it works.

Percy's been doing so great lately. He's having fun in his classes and making art and doing stuff with the kids and planning for our wedding. Just... I thought that my fiancè was doing exceptionally well.

But he was really good at hiding things when we were little. And I guess he's still pretty good at concealing how he's doing.

It took me a minute to see what he was doing. I wasn't sure what was happening, I didn't know how to respond being he didn't seem to notice my entrance.

But red shows up on a white bath mat, especially when it's fresh.

And I saw it fall on the mat.

When I saw it... I mean, it kind of put me in this weird form of shock. But I couldn't just stand there in shock.

"Percy?" I asked, but he was out of it. If he wasn't, he was ignoring me, and he's not one to be that petty.

Without much thought to it, I went to stop whatever he was doing and he stopped the razor.

Both of us got cut in the process. He uh... Didn't realize something, I guess I don't know what. Maybe he was just out of it and didn't hear me come over. But he panicked and turned around, which is how I got cut. He was close enough that it got my arm. Which really, it wasn't deep, it wasn't long. Just enough to notice. I didn't pay mind to it until he did.

Before he even looked up at my face, he saw the cut on my arm, and dropped the razor to go into a blind panic.

Immediately, he went into this apology tangent and I couldn't even comprehend most of it because it was German and while I'm getting better, he was ranting and I barely understand what he says at a slowed down rate. It was a lot of sorry, and other stuff. That's all I could get out of it.

I tried to insist that it's okay, he didn't mean to, accidents happen. He didn't hear me, and it's alright.

But he was cutting for the first time since we've been together that I knew of. Which wasn't okay. Frankly, it was terrifying.

He cornered himself, though. I couldn't get to... He wouldn't let me get too close or hug him or hold or hand. He'd just pull away and move away.

And this was and episode, yeah. I at least think that that's what it was.

Either way, it broke my heart once I realized that I wasn't going to be able to help him without also harming him in the process.

So I sat as close as he would let me. Just waiting for it to pass. For him to calm down.

And let me tell you, it took forever. I sat there for an hour and a half, but I wasn't about to move my ass and make him feel shittier because he misunderstood something.

But eventually, he made the first move.

Percy had been calmer for a while, but still not wanting me to get close. I wasn't about to test it. I wanted him to prompt it.

And he did.

"Nico...." I could see the second wave coming over him. So naturally, I pulled him into a hug and he held onto me like I was it. Like I was all there was left in the world.

"I can't... I'm... I... I'm so—" his voice was raspy, his breath shorts. "I didn't... I'm sorry t... That—"

"Hey, it's okay," I promised him, figuring he was still held up on the cut that was barely a cut. "Alright? Accidents happen."

"But it's not..." Percy started off, pulling away from the hug and holding my hands, looking a mile out of his mind. "it isn't... Nico, it took me so long to not hate... To stop... To... And I just fucking... Out the... Threw... I threw it out the window and that's not... I could've... I was..."

"Percy's, it's going to be alright, it'll—"

"I was going to slit my throat, Nico!" Percy snapped at me, hot tears streaming down his face, his voice shaking, and I didn't know to... To even respond. "I just started and I couldn't... I could control it but I couldn't and it's not like it's... Hard... And I could've just... And that's not okay, Nico. Okay? That's... I mean, that fucking crazy, who would..."

He just started to shake his head, swollen in pain.

"I can't... I can't do this anymore." My fiancè admitted. "I can't... This has been sitting in my chest and it's been waiting and I don't even know if it's done and if it's not, I don't know if I can... I mean, the kids, and... Of they find out that if I..."

Trying to support him, I pulled him back into a hug and be positive and just... A good fiance. Whatever that means.

He lost it, though. Went off the deep end. I threw out all of the razors in our bathroom just so he couldn't... When I was asleep. He talked about how much he hurt. How painful everything was and how he felt everything all the time and how overwhelmed he was because the positives could barely even touch the negatives.

It scared the shit out of it. But I think Percy scared himself even more.

I never thought I'd have to talk him out of killing himself, but I guess there's a first for everything, right?