Finn

Simone left the cafe after his mom called, wanting him home, and I was left with Fredric.

"Oh, tut mir—" He said after accidently bumping into me and this is when I recognize him. "Finn?"
Oh, sor— Finn?

It took me a second to realize who he was.

"I'm sorry," I apologized, being I was still thinking English after getting off the phone with Carlos. "What... Wer... Fredric?'
I'm sorry. What... Who... Fredric?

"Ja..." Fredric answered, nodding. "Was machst du hier? Ich dachte das du auf Amerika jetzt wohnt."
Yeah... What are you doing here? I thought you lived in America.

"Ich mache," I confirmed for him. "Wir sind hier am Ferien für ein paar Wochen."
I do. We're here on vacation for a few weeks.

"Oh, cool," Fredric remarked. "Wie war Amerika?"
Oh, cool. How was America?

"Es war cool!" I told him and kind of thought about it for a minute. "Um... Die Skateboardparks sind nett. Schule war okay. Langweilig, aber... Interessant genug."
It was cool! Um... The skate parks are nice. School was okay. Boring, but... Interesting enough.

"Hast du neue Freunde gefunden?" He asked me and then went there. "Oder ein neues Freunden?"
Did you make new friends? Or a new girlfriend?

I definitely blushed.

"Uh... Freunde, ja," I answered and slowly nodded. "Freundin? Nein. Ich... Ich hatte ein Offenbarung dieses Jahr. Ich hatte ein Freund, aber es dauert nicht lang. Es ist okay, obwohl. Was ist mit ihnen?"
Uh, friends, yeah. Girlfriend? No. I... I had a revelation this year. I had a boyfriend, but it didn't last long. It's okay, though. What about you?

"Eh," Fredric shrugged, grabbing the drink he ordered as we sat down at a table. "Ich uh... Nichts interessantes. Kein Freund. Luca hat mich gefragt, aber..."
Eh, I uh... Nothing interesting. No boyfriend. Luca asked me out, but...

Luca isn't the best person out there. Also, him and Fredric have never gotten along. That sounds terrible.

"Es tut mir Lied," I apologized. "Das klingt rauh. Aber draußen das, wie war dein Jahr?"
Im so sorry, that sounds rough. But outside of that, how was your year?

He sighed and shrugged.

"Es war... Okay?" He told me, sounding kind of unsure. And I figured that probably wasn't meaning anything good. Fredric has dealt with depression for a few years now and yeah. It's not fun. "Ich meine... Es war nicht die beste, Schule war was auch immer, ich gerade... Ich weiß nicht..."
It was... Okay? I mean... It wasn't the best, school was whatever. I just... I don't know...

I glanced down at his arms, and he was wearing bracelets. A good deal of them. Which he tends to wear when he's been cutting and having a hard time.

Because if his parents see it, they'd ship him off to either a shitty mental home or military school and they send him to a mental home once and he hated it. He hated it a lot. It didn't help him.

Moving my chair over by him, I gave him a weird sort of side hug and he asked me where we were staying right now.

"Well," I explained, because he hasn't met Nico or Carlos. Carlos wasn't around, though, he was with Grandpa at a museum not far from the city. Like a ten minute drive. "Wir sind in unserem alten Haus. Es ist mein Oma und Opa, Vati und dein Freund, Nico, und dann Carlos, Nico's sohn, Luana, und mich. Aber, Carlos, Opa, und Luana sind nicht zu Hause. Warum?"
Well. We're at our old house. It's my grandma and grandpa, dad and his boyfriend, Nico. And then Carlos, Nico's son, Luana, and me. But Carlos, Grandpa, and Luana aren't home. Why?

"Können wir dorthin gehen?"
Can we go there?

I nodded my head and we headed out, going to the nearest bus stop. When my dad called.

"Hallo."

"Hey, Finn," Dad said as Fredric held onto my arm, trying to keep himself stable. "Wo bist du? Ich bin herum Abendessen zu Anfangen."
Hey, Finn. Where are you? I'm about to start dinner.

"Oh! Ich bin in die Bushaltestelle. Ist es okay ob Fredric über kommt?"
Oh! I'm at the bus stop. Is it okay if Fredric comes over?

"Gewiss!" Dad said and quickly switched to English. "Is he having a hard time?"

"Yeah."

"Okay," he told me and sighed. "Just keep him calm until he gets here. I'll throw on some more food for him."

"Thanks." I responded as the bus pulled up and I grabbed my card that I smartly kept. "We'll be home in like 15 minutes."

The bus ride home was mostly quiet. He was doing good, maintaining myself right now. And when we got home I told Dad we'd be in my room after he said hi to Fredric.

Once we were on what used to be my room and what is my temporary room, he started to cry and frantically apologize that I've been back and the first time we hang out he can't handle his depression.

"Hey, es ist okay," I promised him as we sat on my bed and he shook his head. "Das ist was ich bin hier für. Ich weiß dass du ein hartes Zeit haben, mit dein Depression und alle. Was passieren?"
Hey, it's okay. That's what I'm here for. I know that you have a hard time, with your depression and all. What happened?

He shrugged and I noticed his hand starting to itch his wrist. And I stopped it.

"Fredric," I said, looking him in the eye, being as genuine as I could. "Verletze dich nicht. Ich Pflege nicht wie, aber bitte. Nicht."
Fredric. Don't hurt yourself. I don't care how, but please. Don't.

"Tut mir Lied," Fredric apologized and instead took my hand, kind of rubbing his thumb along my hand as he looked down at it. Keeping himself from hurting himself, which was what mattered. "Es war ein schwarzes Jahr. Meine Mutti und Vati getrennt und ich wohne mit meine Mutter aber sie ist nicht nett über mein Depression und Lilah abfahren und du abfahren und... Und..."
Sorry. It was a hard year. My mom and dad broke up and I live with my mom, but she isn't very nice when it my depressing and Lilah left and you left and... And...

Lilah was his like best friend. They did literally everything together. Me moving didn't go over the best with him, but I mean Lilah helped.

If she moved...

She kept him same.

"Ich verzucht zu selbst letzten Monat ermorden." He admitted flat out, looking kind of terrified of admitting it. "Ich uh... Ich  sagen jemand nichts. Niemand findet mich, und ich aufgewacht, so... Ich hasse mich selber. Ich hasse mein Leben."
I tried to kill myself last month. I uh... I didn't tell anyone. Nobody found me, and I woke up, so... I hate myself. I hate my life.

So it was worse than ideal. He was suicidal.

"Hey," I was doing my best here. "Schau mich an. Es wird okay sein. Du bist sicher. Es ist keine Würze. Okay? Schau mich an. Es ist keine Würze."
Hey. Look at me. It's going to be okay. You're safe. It's not worth it. Okay? Look at me. It's not worth it.

"Warum nicht?" He snapped back at me, so far into this that I was genuinely worried that maybe I was gone for too long. I couldn't keep him out. "Huh? Sag mir warum, Finn! Sag mir warum mich umbringen nichts! Ich bin ein Freak! Meine Mutti hasst mich! Mein Vati specht mit mir nicht mehr. Ich habe kein Freunde. Ich habe kein Grund zu Leben. Ich bin elend, Finn. Warum sollte ich nicht?'
Why not? Huh? Tell me why, Finn! Tell me why I shouldn't kill myself! I'm a freak! My mom hates me! My dad doesn't talk to me anymore. I don't have any friends. I have no reason to live. I'm miserable, Finn. Why shouldn't I?

This memory, uh... It stuck with me. I was little when it happened. It had been a normal day. I was a little older, 12 or 13. And Dad had just gotten home from work an hour or so before. And he receives a call from an American number. Which wasn't abnormal, with Grandma and all there.

And somebody said something in the other end and he went into shock and I looked over, Simone had been over, and both of us could tell that something was wrong. Luana looked worried. But she was 8, she really didn't want to ask.

"Okay," dad said, and begun to speak English. On the phone with an American. "Yes, that's me." Another pause. "I would be, yes." Again.

The voice stopped a good few seconds before dad responded.

"...what?" He sounded genuinely scared, which is something we don't see from dad much. Even now. He's pretty fearless. "What happened?"

"He... Okay." Dad responded and sighed. Somebody must've asked him something or another. "No, I can't. I live in Germany." A short pause. "Yeah, I can give my parents name, they live in New York. Hold on."

He scrambled and gave them grandma's number before hanging up and just sitting there.

"Vati?" I had asked, scared that he looked scared. He looked small, almost. And my dad is 6'. "Bist du okay?"
Dad? Are you okay?

Slowly, he nodded his head, but you could tell he wasn't sure.

"Ja..." Dad said and thought some more. "Ich denke... Ich denke, es wäre das Beste, wenn ihr zwei zu Simone gegangen. Luana, du kannst... Du kannst zu ein Freunden Hause gegeben."
Yeah... I think... I think it's best if you two go to Simone's. Luana, you can... You can go to a friend's house.

"Bist du sicher?"
Are you sure?

He nodded his head and told us he'd drive us to our friends houses. I found out while I was waiting for him, well Simone and I did, that his friend from New York tried to kill himself.

Was he fine in the end? Yeah. But I mean, I stayed with Simone for 13 days because Dad just couldn't function. Even when he went back, he was out of it. It wasn't bad, he could handle us again.

But it destroyed him for a few weeks.

I don't think I couldn't handle that at my age. Somebody that close to me, dying.

"Weil," I told my suicidal friend how it was. "Weil es jeden zermalmen würde, den du kennst. Weil es wird besser, ob es so scheint oder nicht. Es wird."
Because. Because it will crush everyone around you. Because it gets better, whether it seems like it or not. It will.

"Niemand würde mich interessieren."
Nobody would care about me.

"Das ist nicht wahr."
That's not true.

"Ja, es ist."
Yeah, it is.

"Es ist nicht—"
No, it's not—

"Wer würde Scheiße geben!?" Fredric demanded, because honest to gods, he didn't know. And he needed to know, more than anything else in this world.
Who would give a shit!?

"Ich würde!" I insisted, which was probably the last thing he expected me to tell him. I'm gone for a year and now I'm here, telling him I don't want him to kill himself. "Okay? Ich würde. Ich bezweifle, dass der Freund meines Vaters dachte, die Leute würden sich darum kümmern, aber—"
I would! Okay? I would. I doubt that my dad's friend thought that people would care, but—

It got his mind kind off of him.

"Was? Dein Vati's Freund? Wer? Ich merke das nicht..."
What? Your dad's friend? Who? I don't remember...

"Ich weiß nicht, er sagt nicht so viel über es." I explained to him and shrugged. "Es war ein paar Jahren vor. Simone war da. Das Freund war ein altes Freund von Amerika. Ich weiß nicht wer, aber er versuchte sich umzubringen. Vati hat ein Zelle bekommen und ja. Ich brauche mit Simone 13 Tage gewöhnt. Es war nicht gut. Ich glaube nicht, dass ich damit umgehen könnte."
I don't know, he hasn't said much about it. It was a few years ago. Simone was there. The friend was an old friend from America. I don't know who's but he tried to killer himself. Dad got a call and yeah. I had to live with Simone for 13 days. It wasn't good. I don't know, I don't think I could handle it.

"Oh, well...." He said and his voice trailed off, looking back down at our hands before pulling his away, either thinking it was weird or thinking I'm straight or both. Probably both. "Tut mir Lied."
Oh, well... I'm sorry.

"Es ist okay." I responded, not unsure as to what to do with with my hands. They're empty. It's weird. "Bist du okay jetzt?"
It's okay. Are you okay now?

After a moment, he nodded his head.

"Ja," Fredric assured me, and I sighed. "Ich denke okay bin."
Yeah. I think I'm okay.

For a second he paused.

"Und tut mir Lied, über deine Hand halten."
And sorry, about holding your hand.

"Es ist okay." I said for the millionth time that night. "Du hast dich nicht verletzt das ist was zählt, ja?"
It's fine. You didn't hurt yourself, that's what matters, yeah?

"Ja." He agreed and cracked a small smile.
Yeah.