okay so this is something ive been trying to put into words for awhile now but i havent been able to until now, in which im staring at my ceiling at three in the morning.

from a young age ive been wondering about death and what would happen after it.

i grew up in a catholic school and thus believed in god and jesus and so on, so my first thought was that perhaps the bible was correct and upon death wed be judged and either ascend to the silver city or fall into the depths of hell to experience our eternal punishment.

as i grew older and experienced certain things that made me realise i don't believe in the catholics idea of "god" i decided to study other religions. none really stuck out to me as plausible because, in the end everything has a cause, an effect and a trigger, so nothing could just be for the sake of being.

fate, destiny and karma are just words filled to the brim with humans hope at fairness which will never be.

it was at this point that i realised that whenever i imagined death it was in fact nothing. i don't mean i couldn't imagine anything, i mean i imagined it as nothing. which made me realise something else.

humans grasp at anything to justify or alleviate fear. racism is caused by the need to justify the fear of what is different and religions were created to alleviate the fear of the unknown. we're coming into an era now where all is explained and that fear is almost eradicated.

the only thing we don't know is death, and knowing that in the end its most likely nothing because our existence is created by chemical reactions and biologically organic machinery and once it runs out of gas it just stops like any machine honestly scares the shit out of me.

but i refuse to allow my fear to grasp onto false hope.

bye.