It's the start of a new semester. Entering the new class, hoping to know at least one person so that I won't be lonely, I picked a seat in the most left back side. Staying silent as people started to come in, I awaited anyone familiar.

When one came we chatted for a while. Then we once again became friends and become more closer.

As time passes we made a group as we have assignments together. We met new people because we need a lot of people. Before we knew it, we became much closer and made a new squad.

A month or so passed, and that's when I noticed him. He's not that good-looking, nor very smart. But I can't help but to always give my attention him.

I'm not really sure myself, what am I doing?
Geez I'm so weird.

But still I love giving all of my attention to him.

Every morning, he would sleep through the morning divotion and announcement. Sometimes he would sleep until the first break.

Afterwards, he will change his seat beside his friend, A. It's a bit disappointing since he won't be near me for the rest of the day, but well.. At least he's smiling and being energetic.

He would talk to A, B, and C in a group together as always. Of course my attention would sometime switch from D to him.

*sighs*

Days passes, the usual routine continues. To be honest I'm unsure, am I close friends with them? Or is it just my own assumption?

Are we friends? Are we not? Do you- they think I'm weird?

"Hey come on!
Let's do rock paper scissors!"

I blink, and grins.

We often do rock paper scissors to divide our squad into small groups for assignments. I would always hope to be able in the same group as he is.

It's very much fun to be in a group with him, A, and E.

Although it's a bit.. unpleasant to know they'll ignore me- It's still fun to do group assignment in a place together instead of not meeting, espescially around weekend and holidays.

In a group assignment I would be the annoying one. I would remind them like everyday until we finish our task, because I of course wants to submit my- our work on time.

I tend to think that I'm annoying and I know that.

One day, suddenly my heart skip a bit. Because of ('). That's the first time I actually felt like that. Butterflies on my tummy?

I don't think blood rushes to my face, and I acted natural. But just what was that?

I do get butterflies on my tummy, espescially when I read about angst stories. Idk why, but it felt pleasant.

Days passes and I never felt like that again. I'm glad, because I ship (') with ehem. And I still believe I like him.

--

Lately I didn't get to spend time with the boys. I'm quite envious of B and C to be able interact with A and him everyday. I would like to join there but I'm afraid to ruin the mood and that would mean me leaving D alone. So I stayed behind.

Right F, G, H also seems to be in a group. Sometimes, if they sit infront, me and D will join them. I and J came out often for the upcoming school event, so we rarely sat with them now.

Sometimes I would see other boys I had told myself my type, I would quickly shake my head and turn to him.

But why?

A new ship rose, K and him, L.

I'm a bit muffled on what I'm feeling. Am I jealous? Do I really like L?

Okay I don't know anymore.
Why am I thinking like this?

Is it because I finally had a friend who have a date? Well they've broken up, appearantly. But still she still have some feelings left too-

Anyway-
Do I want a boyfriend?

..holy shit, am I that desperate?

That's fucked up.
This is fucked up.

Shit I'm cursing because of my own feelings.

No wait, why would I be desperate anyway?
Yes, why am I desperate?

Well I do want a boyfriend but-
Am I being desperate?

Well I mean I'm now at high school-
But I do know I won't get any boyfriend bcs of my body-

Just, what made me think it's all desperated?
Huh?
Wait wait, just wait-
This is confusing.

This doesn't make sense anymore does it? I should stop.
Yes, stop.

But still.. Why did it became desperate?
Is it desperation?

"It's not like I like him.
I think it's.. admire?"

"Aaah, I get that.
I also usually thought of that."

I blink.

Realisation hitted me, like a bullet train.

'...Admire huh?'

Yes, I think that's the answer.

I guess it's all me being overthinking.

And desperate just crossed my mind.

Now that I think about it, my heart never raced for him, and I won't get flushed easily and all. That crossed out the typical person falling in love criteria right?

Then I guess I can just think that I admire him.

Yep, case closed.

----------------------------------------

When you fuses dream and reality, this happens.
in my case though.

Also ilussions? halu? what's halu in eng again-

9 November 2019