chapter four / season four episode four.

"DESK DUTY SUCKS."

Amelia complained for what must've been the hundredth time in the past hour, much to Emily and Derek's dismay.

She was a frequented visitor with the form of work and she never hated it less whenever Hotch instructed she sit at a desk whilst the rest of the team are out on field work. It felt pointless.

Amelia would sit at a desk all day, riffling through file after file trying to find some deviation in the information on the unsub or their victims, hoping to find new information. It was pointless considering she wasn't working with any new information but something she'd read over a thousand times and already extracted all that she could with her pastel highlighters.

The pointlessness of desk duty was driving her insane. Slowly. (As if she hadn't already been labeled insane.)

Derek glanced over his shoulder, looking at the woman who had been sat at that desk all day, only moving for a restroom break or to refill her cup of coffee. Files stacked around her trying to find any similar accidents to the one they were investigating in Reno: a car accident that the unsub planned to cover up his rape of the female victim and the blunt head force trauma the male victim faced.

It was a gruesome case, and to read it over and over again without any breaks— well, that made Derek feel sick just at the thought of it. Whilst field work wasn't exactly pleasant when you were running to the morgue for these victims or talking with their families to see if anything unusual had been going on lately, it felt good to breathe the fresh air and distract yourself for just a few spilt seconds.

Amelia hadn't had that. She couldn't remember what fresh air felt like. Or, smelt like. The Reno police station had an odd smell... especially since lunch and the officer on the desk opposite her had a foul-smelling sandwich which had since lingered in the air.

God, she hated desk duty.

And she hated the way they all looked at her. She understood there was some hierarchy here and the lasting presence of the FBI in their small little station was unnerving, but the officers were the ones actually unnerving her. They watched her every little move, almost afraid that she might pull out the FBI handbook or something and tell them they're doing things wrong!

And don't get Amelia started on the one with the smelly sandwich. He'd been eyeing the cut along her forehead ever since she stepped over the threshold of the station. (Previously, Amelia had attempted to cover the long, brutal cut along her forehead with concealer and other products that matched her skin tone but found that the removal process of those products was not worth the 8 hour of coverup.) (Make-up remover seriously hurt when you rubbed it over cuts!)

Amelia narrowed her eyes at Derek, "Don't look at me like that. You haven't been sat here all day, you don't know what it feels like."

Derek raised his hands in surrender, "Sunshine, do you think that you're the first person ever that Hotch has put on desk duty?"

"'Course not." She scoffed, "But, he sure does love putting me on desk duty."

"You have a broken rib." Derek pointed out, already fed up of this conversation and half regretting that he'd glanced at Amelia at all.

She got oddly defensive after a day on desk duty.

"One rib." Amelia huffed, leaning back in her seat with a wince. She swore this chair might've molded to her after the whole day spent in it, "One rib and everyone treats you like you're some porcelain doll."

"Your doctor didn't clear you," Derek raise an eyebrow, "Hotch can't put you in the field if your doctor didn't clear you."

"Clearly my doctor was a trainee and didn't know what he was talking about." Amelia scoffed.

"We go to the same doctor." Derek sighed, "He's been there for years, Amelia."

Emily pinched the bridge of her nose and looked at Derek, "Why do you open your mouth? If you hadn't said anything you wouldn't be having this conversation."

"She looked like a kicked puppy!" Derek argued, "If I don't say something I'm a bad friend, Emily."

Amelia sighed, and crossed her arms across her chest, scrunching her nose when she bypassed her ribs. "You're both bad friends for not getting me off desk duty. Y'know, at least P tried to help me."

Derek rolled his eyes, "She spoke one word to Hotch before he told her to stop and get back to work."

"It's the thought that counts."

Derek couldn't help but laugh. He couldn't resist. He found Amelia a helluva lot more amusing when she was on desk duty and constantly acting like the world was out to get her. Albeit, a dramatic analogy but an accurate one nonetheless. In fact, Derek loved this dramatic side to Amelia where she huffed and puffed and complained about almost everything.

It was hilarious.

If you'd of told Derek that he could sit and have this laughter with Amelia when she'd just joined the team, he would've thought you were lying. Jokes hadn't exactly been Amelia's thing before, when she didn't know where she fit in and how this team was taking to her.

She knew now. (Well, she knew better at least.) Nearly a year ago she never would've dreamed of saying that her closest friends were 'bad friends' even if they all knew she was joking. Amelia would've been so fearful of possibly upsetting them with a joke gone too far this time last year.

Yet, here she sat with a face of a kicked puppy, and fighting the urge to smile as Derek and Emily laughed; because they'd found her comments funny.

She'd always seen friends laugh and joke with one another, never knowing how it felt.

But, by God, was it nice.

"Oh, sunshine," Derek smiled, "I think Hotch should keep you on desk duty all the time."

Amelia felt sick at the thought! "One more case spent at a desk..." She shivered, "I might start going insane."

Amelia almost debated whether she'd already reached that point in her life. The whole cult situation felt like it could've added to her whole insanity quest... but she wasn't thinking about that.

She didn't like to think about it and the crisis she'd formed just from being in that church. God— no, Amelia didn't like to talk about God.

Derek laughed, shaking his head with a smile.

Footsteps sounded, entering the bullpen and looking between his agents. "What's going on?" Aaron asked, raising his eyebrows and his eyes lingering on Amelia for longer than they had on Derek and Emily.

She didn't notice.

Derek and Emily hadn't either, but if Aaron kept it up with his observing looks and the small quips of his lips downwards at the sight of Amelia's cuts and scrapes that were still healing from the Ranch; then people would start noticing.

He just couldn't help it. Aaron couldn't help the way his heart actually hurt at how banged up and bruised Amelia was. The way the smallest of movements hurt her because of the damned broken rib and the sunken eyes because she couldn't sleep properly due to the ache— due to the ache everywhere.

He knew it. Aaron knew she wasn't sleeping. And he knew she was pissed off about desk duty.

He had to keep her safe. She might not understand it and she may hate him for a little while because of the increased amount of desk duty in recent months, but God he couldn't help it. What if she got hurt? What if an unsub pushed her up against a wall, or threw her against a wall? Add that to the broken rib and she'd be in ten times more agony.

And, well, Aaron supposed the doctor hadn't signed off on her clearance either; so it wasn't just his worries that permitted her from working.

"Nothing." Derek shrugged, smiling as he glanced at Amelia again.

Aaron watched the smile, and he watched Amelia's eyes narrow at the man.

It made him want to smile.

"Oh," Derek laughed at her narrowed eyes, "This is hilarious. You've gotta keep Little Miss Sunshine on desk duty more often, Hotch."

Emily groaned, "No. You absolutely do not Hotch. One more case of this and I might stick a pencil in my eye."

Amelia scoffed, "I've been feeling that since this morning, Emily."

"Levine, with me."

It was always a cool and collected demand. Although, Aaron didn't want to seem demanding, but he had to stick to his rules as unit chief and not stray from them just because of Amelia.

Derek grimaced before smiling again, "Uh-oh, somebody's in trouble."

Amelia narrowed her eyes, stretching as she stood up from the desk chair she'd barely moved from all day and hitting Derek upside the head as she followed after Hotch, his exclamation of; "Hey!" quickly becoming faint as she followed after the speedy unit chief.

She really did wonder how he moved so quick— long legs, naturally was her first conclusion. Her second conclusion was that he was just such an important man that he had to walk at the speed of an important man who always had somewhere to be.

Amelia did, however, begin to frown as he started to lead her out of the department and instead out of the building.

They did bypass JJ just as they left, the liaison raising her eyebrows and stopping the pair in their tracks, "Did you make sure she took her painkillers?"

Aaron glanced down at Amelia, who had finally managed to catch up to him and stand beside him, he raised an eyebrow.

"Totally."

JJ narrowed her eyes, her hands naturally resting against the sides of her growing bump. "Take them." It was an instruction and Amelia knew there was no room for objections.

JJ was going to be a good mom. Amelia knew it, and she didn't know much about that category but she knew JJ was going to be the best mom. In theory, Amelia was already her practice child and she was doing great with her.

"Yes, mom." Amelia huffed. "Have you taken your pregnancy vitamins?"

"Totally."

Amelia narrowed her eyes, "Take them." She mimicked in JJ's voice.

Aaron swore he felt the corners of his lips turn upwards before he forced them back down. He could not smile. Not with JJ stood here. He couldn't let anyone know how easily Amelia made him smile.

"Yes, mom." JJ huffed, mimicking Amelia's voice.

Aaron decided it was time for him and Amelia to go before he actually smiled at the pair of blondes, "Dave was looking for you," He told JJ, which wasn't a lie; Rossi was actually looking for JJ's help with something, but it did double as a good excuse to get some one-on-one time with Amelia.

JJ nodded, quickly bidding her goodbyes to the pair before rushing (as fast as she could at this stage in her pregnancy.) into the department building and leaving Aaron and Amelia behind.

Amelia tilted her head, as Aaron sped off again in the direction of the SUVs. "What are we doing?"

He didn't answer as he opened the passenger door for her and waited her to step up into the SUV.

Amelia, however, had other plans and paused right before she could step into the SUV and raised an eyebrow at Aaron, "You aren't gonna kill me, right?"

He sighed, "Get in the car."

"That isn't the reassurance I was looking for."

Aaron raised an unamused eyebrow at her, "Car. Now."

"Jeez." She muttered under breath, slowly sitting herself down in the passenger seat and relaxing against the leather seat. For once in her life Amelia would admit that the seats of the SUV were comfortable.

Or, at least far more comfortable than that desk she'd been sat at all day.

Aaron shook his head as he rounded the vehicle to sit in the driver's side. As soon as he sat down, he reached back into the backseats to grab his bag and opening it up for Amelia, "Some painkillers in there."

Amelia raised her eyebrows reaching into the bag and pulling out the bottle of painkillers, "Hey," she smiled, shaking the bottle, "These are the ones I gave you for your ear. You still got 'em?"

She remembered that he'd teased her about them on the plane home after the cult incident. She quickly liked this running gag between them.

Aaron shrugged, "Put 'em to good use at first, but I don't use so many now."

He handed her a water bottle wordlessly, as Amelia asked, "You ear don't hurt so much anymore?"

He fought the urge to smile. Because, somehow, when Aaron was worried about her and taking her out of the department to give her a break she still managed to care for him.

God, it made him ignite with butterflies.

"'S gettin' better." Aaron said, starting the vehicle and pulling away from the station, "I can sleep a bit better. Not so much ringing on the jet."

"That's good." She smiled, "Hopefully it means I can get my bottle of painkillers back soon."

Aaron let out of a puff of air. The beginning of his laughter. "I quite like these ones."

She shook her head with a smile before swallowing down the painkillers and her nose scrunching at the taste.

Aaron had noticed she did that; the nose scrunching after swallowing any form of pill. She hated the taste of painkillers, no matter how necessary they were to make her feel better, she couldn't get over the taste. How endearing.

His eyes widened at his own thoughts. Woah. Aaron.

Amelia didn't notice, "So, where you kidnapping me to?" She asked, this lighthearted teasing in her tone.

He never thought he'd get over how soft she sounded. Even when talking to him.

"Anywhere you like." He shrugged, "Jus' thought you'd wanna get out of the station after a whole day in there."

Amelia raised an eyebrow at that, a small laugh escaping her, "And why was I in that station all day? Oh—! This little thing called desk duty."

Aaron shook his head with a small smile, "That's your doctor's fault, not mine."

She shook her head, gazing out the window but Aaron could see how her lips curved upwards into a smile. She couldn't hide it from him. He was too observant of her now.

"The second you're cleared, is the second you're back out in the field." Aaron shrugged, his own lips having curved up into the smallest of smiles; Amelia's smile having been that infectious in the first place.

"My doctor hates seeing people happy. I'll never be cleared."

He laughed quietly at that. Amelia could be a dramatic thing at times. And Aaron found it hilarious, he couldn't help it. When Amelia had first joined the BAU he could've never imagined her to have such a personality, or a personality that didn't consist full of being shy and anxious.

And Aaron never could've imagined that her quips and dramatic behavior could make him laugh. Even if it was quietly.

(He was laughing louder than he ever had before.)

Amelia huffed, twisting in the passenger seat to face her unit chief, "I mean, it's one broken rib! It ain't gonna hurt anybody now, is it?"

Aaron raised an eyebrow at that, "Is it hurting you?"

"Yeah—" She shook her head instantly, "That's—! That's not the point. It only hurts when I move a little quickly—"

"Then you're a liability in the field." He interjected, "If an unsub comes running after you and it hurts when you move 'a little quickly' then it's gonna hurt a helluva lot more when you're running."

Amelia huffed, leaning back into the seat, "Okay. Maybe."

"Your doctor's doing the right thing." He said. "The more you actually listen to the doctor, the quicker you'll get back in the field."

Amelia sighed, because she knew he was right but that didn't make it any easier for her to agree with her doctor, or with Aaron. "I know. Just hate sitting around, knowing 'm better out there instead sat at a desk."

Aaron wouldn't have believed you if when Amelia first joined the BAU that they'd be heading into the town centre in the same SUV, with Amelia letting honest words about her feelings fall from her lips.

Aaron nodded in agreement, because he too could not fathom desk duty. The feeling of helplessness it provided you with and how you weren't really aiding the case in anyway shape or form. "I know what you mean. But, there isn't a way around it unfortunately."

He glanced over at her in the passenger seat, as she leant further back and found a comfortable position to sit in without hurting a rib or any other injuries she'd picked up from at the Ranch. "How is everything else healing anyway?"

He'd seen that officer staring at the cut along her forehead, that had scabbed over but still had dark patches of purple surrounding the edges of it. There were some bruises Amelia could cover up with makeup, Aaron knew that much, and he also knew she had no chance of covering up the one along her forehead.

She shrugged in response, she'd lost count of the cuts that had littered her face when she'd first left the Ranch after being shoved face first into a mirror. Most had been small and dried of blood by the time the wretched place had blown over. But, the cuts along her palms, her wrists and fingers were taking longer to go. And the bruises were all at varying stages of leaving her body. The yellow ones, gone within days. The dark purple and angry ones still finding their way to disappearing.

She hated it. Amelia hated her usage of foundation and concealer in the recent weeks to cover the bruises on her cheeks, so that she wouldn't have people staring at them in pity. She hated how she couldn't sleep on her stomach due to the boot imprint that Cyrus had left her stomach, but the bruise that followed was still a pain in her ass.

She hated it. But, it was reminder that she hadn't let Spencer and Emily get her like she had Clara.

And it was a reminder to her, every morning in the mirror, that she could still hurt.

Aaron spared his eyes from the road, and instead focused on her. She was biting the inside of her cheek. A tell no-one had quite figured out yet. "Don't do that," He said it gently, as if to coax her out of her nonchalance. (Because when had Amelia ever been nonchalant about anything?) "Don't shrug it off. Tell me."

It was an order. But, not in the sense of the orders he gave as a unit chief. Or, in an angered and frustrated way. In a... I need to know... you're okay way? Or, that was at least how Amelia interpreted it.

"Most of 'em are gone." She muttered. "The bruises, and the little cuts. But, the rib and my stomach—" She paused, sighing and gesturing to her forehead, "Clearly my forehead too..."

"They ain't going away for a while." Aaron deduced that she hated it. He'd realized that the moment her back had tensed when she'd realized the officer had been staring at her and her cuts.

Aaron wished he could tell her they'd all disappear overnight and they'd just be mere memories in a few days. But, that wasn't true. And Amelia had already been living with the reminders of the Ranch since the night it had gone up in flames. "You still cleaning the cuts?"

She nodded. The time consuming task was one she wished she wasn't enduring every night, but it was. Amelia didn't realize how odd it was for her to take care of herself in this way, but it felt right. It might've been just a basic step that any other person would've done to make sure they healed correctly, but Amelia probably wouldn't have taken that step 6 months ago.

"Even had my mom do it last week," There was a faint smile on her face as she discussed her mom. Aaron wasn't sure he'd ever seen her smile whilst talking about her mom. "She said they looked so angry that she just had to sit down and clean 'em up f'me."

Amelia's smile was quick to disappear as she looked down at her lap. Whilst the memory was sweet, it quickly became bitter when Thomas had strolled into the kitchen asking what his wife and daughter were doing, he'd claimed Amelia was old enough to look after herself and Martha didn't need to be straining herself like that.

Whilst Martha had insisted it was fine and she was never too tired to look after Amelia, Amelia had been filled with a flourish of guilt. How selfish had she been to depend on her sick mom when she could've done it herself?

"That's good." Aaron's lips instantly curved downwards as she looked down at her lap, "Means they'll have less chances of scarring."

You don't want a reminder of the Ranch. He'd wanted to say it, but he'd stopped himself.

Because, whilst he was sure Amelia was looking after herself better and had even reached out for the aid of her friends since coming clean about Martha's cancer, he couldn't be too sure Amelia wasn't seeing the reminder of her cuts as a positive thing.

She'd saved Spencer and Emily. That's what she'd be thinking. She'd stopped them from getting hurt like she hadn't been able to do with Clara.

Aaron wanted to tell her to never get hurt again, and make him feel that same sick feeling he'd felt when hearing her wince in pain, and the whimpers that had fallen from her lips. He never wanted to hear that again.

It was inevitable getting hurt in the field, maybe a bruise from a loose punch from an unsub or when worst comes to worst a bullet straight to your vest, leaving another sore bruise on your chest.

But, to get hurt to the extend Amelia had... Aaron could never plan for that. And he could never plan for better ways to keep her safe. It was unpredictable.

And that fact made him feel a bit sick again.

His fingers began tapping against the material of the steering wheel as they waited at a red light, "You were brave at the Ranch. Really brave." He paused, and Amelia felt the 'but' that was coming, because no-one had ever complimented her without a follow up comment.

Aaron glanced at her, the lights hadn't changed color and all he wanted to do was look at her. Watch her. Study her. He could see that she was practically bracing for his criticism.

Yet, it never came. At least not straight away. Aaron let his comment settle in the air, and he let it settle within Amelia before he dared to speak again. Maybe he'd been preparing to let her down.

"And what happened in there, Amelia—" Aaron did feel sick. He did. He could hear the sounds from the Ranch just like it was yesterday, and he could remember gripping onto her arm when she stepped too close to the fire in fear of what had happened to Emily and Spencer. Her skin was so soft to touch under his rough hands, and yet it had been marred in blood and ash. Yet, she was still soft. She was always so soft. "You probably don't wanna talk about it, but you can."

His lips quirked upwards, "My door's always open. You know that."

There was a time it hadn't been open. And that was rough for them both.

Amelia glanced at him because the demeaning comment had never followed, and she wasn't sure why.

"You're pretty quiet about everything," he said, "But, if you ever wanted to talk about the Ranch, I'll listen."

Even with his traumatized ear, he'd still listen.

Aaron wanted to offer his ear. He knew what Amelia was thinking, how she viewed her beating as good because for once in her life, she'd gotten hurt and kept other people safe. He wouldn't have her thinking that way. What had happened at the Ranch was never to be associated with the word good.

Amelia got hurt.

It was so bad when she got hurt.

Amelia looked out of her window, a slight frown playing on her lips, "It was horrible, y'know?" She murmured, and Aaron didn't quite know what to say. She was opening up here. Just on request?

She was going to speak truthfully, just because he'd said he'd listen.

Despite the topic of conversation, Aaron couldn't deny the small part of him that was happy.

"I haven't stepped foot in a church in years, let alone some Godawful Ranch." She confessed, "I felt so sick. The whole time. But, I just kept going— and going." Her eyes were pinned on the passing scenery, because she couldn't look at Aaron because tears would spill. And she didn't want that today. It had begun to hurt when she cried due to the broken rib. "I don't know how. But, I did."

"I kept telling myself I had to. I kept thinking that maybe this was all God's will, we were in His house after all. But, I don't know what I believe— how could anything that happened in that Ranch be God's will? Y'know?"

She frowned, lightly tapping her fingers against her thigh, "Yet I couldn't stop thinking it was His will. I couldn't stop. I walked in there and my mindset just flipped. And I couldn't get out of it; so, I got hurt. I let myself get hurt, because I thought maybe God wanted it."

"That's not right, is it?" Amelia finally turned her head to him, seeking something from Aaron. Guidance, truth, reassurance or even lies. She didn't really care what, she just wanted something.

Aaron bit the inside of his cheek, and for a second Amelia thought about hypocritical he was. "I think you very quickly became disturbed by your surroundings but also apart of the environment of the cult setting." Aaron wasn't going to outrightly call her mind vulnerable, but the insinuation was there, "And because everything was going wrong, and the environment was so sickening you felt like someone had to be in control of it."

"You felt like God had to have some sort of control over you, your actions and everything that had been happening around you."

He sighed, "It could've been God. But, there's also a chance, Amelia, that it was Cyrus. He manipulated everyone at the Ranch under his control, twisted God's words to fit his own. It wasn't God's will you got hurt. That was Cyrus'."

"But, it was also your will, Amelia." He murmured, because God was it a bitter pill to swallow. Knowing she had allowed for herself to get hurt in an attempt to keep Emily and Spencer safe. "You stepped forward with the truth and put yourself in Cyrus' firing line."

Never do it again. Please, Amelia. He wanted to say. But he knew he couldn't.

"Bad things do not happen to you because of God." He said it with such conviction that Amelia felt herself clinging onto every last word. "Bad things happen because of unsubs, and the environments we found ourselves in, and sometimes our own actions that allow for us to get hurt."

"But it is not God."

It was reassuring. Amelia could settle on that. She could settle with that fact, considering she'd thought the world had been pitted against her so many times before and had wanted to see her fail. Yet, those were just unfortunate events. She could see that now. And Amelia could see the Ranch was just another one of those. (There was still the smallest, tiniest lingering thought about who caused those unfortunate events.)

Aaron finally pulled into the coffee shop parking lot, turning to face her fully, "Amelia, what happened at the Ranch wasn't right. But, what you feel about what happened there is totally and utterly valid."

It was trauma. And Aaron didn't quite know how much more of such Amelia could carry.

Amelia wanted to say she knew, because then it would get him off her back, but she'd never known that. She had never seen her feelings as valid. Her feelings had always been incorrect.

"Jus' wish I could stop thinkin' about it." She muttered.

Amelia wished she could stop thinking about a lot of things.

"I know." He whispered, because Aaron knew. "But it happened. And you're gonna remember it for a long time, and that's okay. It's scary but it's okay. I'm here for you." There's a pause that was longer than necessary, "And so is the team. All of us, okay?"

Amelia nodded. She knew what it felt like to have people in her corner now. She'd had people in her corner before, the group from Seattle, just under completely different circumstances.

"Let's get a coffee and we can talk some more, okay?"

She nodded again, because maybe things weren't so scary when she was talking with Aaron about her feelings.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:
😝😝 oh lookey here, it's mom and dad having a coffee date. their topics of discussion include;
- how raucous amelia's sugar intake is
- how is jack doing
- aaron and jack's latest visit to the aquarium
- aaron making amelia promise to always knock on his door when she feels upset 😝😝

ANYWAY! in the last few weeks ive written like 4 chapters for this book (unheard of, i haven't been on such an everywhere, everything grind since last summer) and let me tell you... you guys are gonna hate me 😝 everything ive done... im sat here laughing but you will NOT be laughing. at all. but you can't leave me any hate comments here because it's my birthday 😝😝 (me trying to distract you from figuring out what ive done) (is it working??) (i turned 18 today im scared)

ALSO

i started 9-1-1 like two weeks ago and am already on season 3 NO SPOILERS PLS! but i already have an oc in mind (because ofc i cant consume media without thinking of a fic) and i don't know whether to make it a buck fic or is there rules in the 9-1-1 fandom because OFC buddie?? but idk so pls help