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SHADOW
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Taehyung

“How do you know?” My jaw drops open momentarily, and my voice sounds airy.

“Taehyung-ssi,” Yi-Seo drags her chair closer to the table and moves to the edge of her seat. “Why did you choose to inject yourself? Why didn’t you let the medical team do it?” Her tone drips with regret, which should actually be what I’m feeling, but she is exhibiting that, and I have no idea why my words are playing dead at the moment.

I also have no clue how she found this out.

My eyes wander all over the place, but Yi-Seo exhales a long breath, and our eyes finally find each other. “I asked you something,” she says softly, leaning forward a little from her seat.

Setting my chopsticks down, I take a few sips of water and clear my throat before I begin speaking.

“It was just a regular injection in the vein, and it wasn’t something that I was doing for the first time. I had done it many times myself in the past, and I also had just a few seconds to go back up on stage. There was a delay in the medical team’s response, and I couldn’t really wait for them to come in and inject me because they wouldn’t do that without checking my vitals, and that would have taken up a lot more time,” I state my reasons plainly, and Yi-Seo is listening with her every last ounce of attention.

“But it was such a big risk to take,” she remarks in a remorseful tone.

“Miss Kwon, as I said, it wasn’t new to me, and the injection that I was given for the pain was a morphine shot, and it will leave traces in the blood for a few hours to a day,” I pause to gauge her reaction, and as expected, she looks confused.

“So then why did it become an issue when your blood had narcotics in it? Morphine is a narcotic drug, and it is widely used as a pain management medicine, and if it will leave traces in your blood, then the company and everyone else must have known about it too, right?” Yi-Seo raises a questioning brow at me.

Nodding, I chuckle softly, running a hand through my hair. “I wouldn’t have passed out on stage if the tested level in my system was within the permissible amount to rule out intoxication by morphine, which is twenty nanograms per milliliter of blood.”

“And how much was present in your system?” She questions me, tilting her head to one side.

“A little over one hundred and fifty nanograms per milliliter.”

“WHAT?” Her voice shrieks, her eyebrows fly skyward, and her elbow slips from the tabletop; she quite literally stumbles even while seated. “How did that happen? I’m pretty sure the prescription medicine that you were supposed to take had only a low concentration of morphine.” Yi-Seo states confidently.

“Yeah, I believed that the medicine that was given at the hospital was all good, but the one that I injected was not the same one,” I shrug a little, licking my lips and watching her sink into a myriad of complex questions.

“What do you mean? Did you know about it earlier?”

“Didn’t you say that I wasn’t the kind of artist to willfully drug myself before going on stage?” I retaliate, but not in a rude manner.

Yi-Seo’s shoulders visibly drop in defeat, and her face sports a helpless look, and I can completely understand why she’s feeling this way because this is exactly how devastated, lost and wounded I felt too when I was slapped with these facts many years ago.

“Someone did this on purpose. It’s crystal clear, Taehyung-ssi. Someone changed the medicine on purpose,” she sounds sure of her conclusion, and it makes me chuckle.

“How did you know that Sammy was with me that day?” I ask her as I resume eating the rice which has gone fully cold on the top by now.

“I know more than that too. He was the one who fueled the tape leak,” Yi-Seo straightens in her seat and the confidence seeping out of her is almost palpable at this point.

“Are you assuming?” I quirk a brow at her as I chew my food while giving her a cocky grin.

“No,” she swiftly shakes her head. “I’m sure it was him. I got to know it from someone who was as keen and invested in unveiling the truth as I am now, or maybe they even did a lot more than what I am trying to find out, but please don’t ask me who it is.” Yi-Seo suddenly starts talking in riddles.

My eyebrows pinch together, and I tilt my head to one side in a doubtful manner.

“Who is this person?” I ask her in a totally serious tone despite her telling me not to do precisely that.

“Please eat up, I’ll do the dishes and leave now,” she informs me, flipping the topic and holding our gazes for a few seconds. She then rises from her seat and walks away into the kitchen, carrying her bowl in her hands.

But my curiosity makes me follow her to the kitchen as well, and she turns around to find me just a few feet away from her.

“Miss Kwon,” I breathe out, “I’m not surprised you know this because insiders leaking information isn’t anything new or unheard of, and I’m pretty sure that a lot of people outside the company know that it was Sammy who did it,” I say calmly, leaning on the refrigerator for support.

“So, it was him,” she mumbles quietly, and it doesn’t go unheard.

“So, were you just assuming then?”

“No, I knew it, and I wanted to hear it from you,” her eyes are full of sincerity when she says that, and I feel the rising need to speak up and let her know the truth.

“Miss Kwon, it was him,” I exhale slowly. “Mel was his minion, and she had no direct motive, but she did it just for money and other benefits, which, of course, included getting to spend a whole day with me. When the tape was out, I didn’t know who did it, and the first obvious person I got to was Mel,” I clear my throat as I pull open the refrigerator door and fetch a bottle of fruit juice from inside.

“Min Hee-Su,” Yi-Seo makes it clear that she has done her homework impressively.

Nodding, I send a small smile her way. “Yeah, and when I confronted her, she was so stupefied, she broke down and confessed that it was because of Sammy that she did it. She was young and vulnerable, and I really don’t blame her. All she wanted was money and fame, all quick and nice. But what she told me left me in shambles,” I keep repeatedly weaving a hand through my hair, and I can feel the acceleration of my pulse when I think back to that wretched moment of betrayal.

I still remember every piercing word that Sung-Won spoke that day, every scornful word that I threw back at him and how he crumbled, and how dumb and naïve I was to believe all that scam and forgive him just like that. Years may have passed, but the guilt of having traded my self-respect for something as cheap as his feigned friendship is gnawing at my conscience each day.

The tape leak was definitely the starting point of my downfall, and despite having patched up things with Sung-Won, we could still never regain the original essence of our friendship. Nevertheless, even after that incident, he still stuck by my side, motivated me at many times and supported my work as well.

“I can understand how terrible it must have been, and I’m sorry that it happened to you, Taehyung-ssi,” Yi-Seo’s voice sounds much softer and closer now, and she takes my cold hand in hers, holding it in a warm and comforting manner.

I still don’t dare to raise my head and look at her, fearing the tears that are dancing on the edge and threatening to fall. We both remain silent for a moment as if mourning my trust that died an agonizing death many years ago.

“It’s okay if you’re not comfortable talking about it. I’m really sorry for bringing it up, let’s just forget we started talking about him and talk about something else,” those words she says are my last straw, and it causes my tears to drip down and land on the floor beneath my feet.

But I’m quick to rub away the remaining tears with the sleeve of my shirt, forcing an exaggerated smile as my teary eyes lift to look at her.

“It’s going to be okay, please don’t ever think that everyone gave up on you. I’m a fighter, and I’m not giving up for any reason. It’s my promise, Taehyung-ssi,” Yi-Seo squeezes my hand a little and smiles in such a way that makes me want to hold her tight and tell her that her words and her presence mean so much to me.

She’s willing to hear me out ever since the day I met her, and she trusts me blindly without any reason. However, at the moment, I find my hands and tongue tied once again, unable to orchestrate my gratitude in any form.

My hand stays inside hers, limp and cold with nervousness, and I want to hold her hand back and say at least a simple ‘thank you’, but it seems as if my senses have all gone dumb and mute.

“Can I ask you something?” Yi-Seo’s round eyes search mine for an answer, and I nod my head, looking straight into her eyes and trying to communicate my lofty emotions.

“Why did you try to kill yourself the other day? You know, the first day I came here to meet you,” she asks me, sounding a little nervous herself.

I want to pretend that everything was okay that night and that I consumed the pills by mistake, but my brain and body are in a battle, and I finally let it out, “I really wanted to end everything,” I whisper shakily. “I was fed up and tired of myself. Look at me, and look at these,” I point to the empty bottles on the floor, but she doesn’t look away from my eyes. “What am I doing with my life? Why do I need to continue living like this?” I’m asking these questions to myself, and I feel hot tears stinging my eyes once again.

Yi-Seo lets out a puff of breath before she starts talking, “These are just choices, Taehyung-ssi,” she points to the empty bottles on the floor with our joined hands. “The choices which you have complete control over. But ending your life? Do you think you have control over that? You can’t choose when you want to die, and if everyone could choose that, half of the world would have been dead already because we are all just sad humans surviving this torment called life. We have no choice but to breathe and survive each day,” each word she speaks is brutally honest and true, and her eyes mirror the genuineness of her words.

“It’s okay, we all feel that way sometimes, many times even. But life is a battlefield, and we have to keep fighting and surviving,” Yi-Seo says softly.

“But when everyday is a battle with myself, it becomes unbearable,” I respond, not looking at anything but her eyes.

“Even when it gets unbearable, dying isn’t a solution to anything. Whatever the situation that made you decide that way, I hope it gets better soon,” she offers a light squeeze to my hand as she talks in a gentle manner, the silence between her words speaking louder than everything else.

“It did get better, it is fixed, actually, for now,” I confirm weakly with a small smile that manages past the sudden leaping sensation within my chest.

“I’m glad to hear that,” her voice is soft, and so is her small smile.

“But life is so dark and lonely… it scares me sometimes, and the darkness is so consuming that even my shadow isn’t following me anymore,” my words keep spilling out without my control.

“Taehyung-ssi,” Yi-Seo’s eyes stay locked with mine. “You have no idea how desperately I want to tell you that I will be your light, but the truth is that I exist in darkness too,” she chuckles lightly but only through her nose as her thumb glides up and down on the back of my hand sending a mighty shiver run down my spine. “I can still be your shadow, and you will never be alone. I will always be here any time you want to talk, irrespective of whether that book gets to its end or not,” she laughs softly, letting her head drop before she looks back up at me, and I do the same.

“You better be serious with that book, Miss Kwon. I’m not taking no for an answer,” my tone deepens as I make my point confidently, and after a few minutes of being frozen still, my hand finally reciprocates her gesture by holding her hand back, a little firmly.

The last time, and probably the only time I ever heard such comforting words of hope, support and positivity were from Soo-Ah, almost two decades ago, and it suddenly makes a wave of goosebumps sprout all over my body. I feel so vulnerable and exposed right now, but I like what I’m feeling like. She is making me feel safe to be this way with her.

There is complete silence in my home; it’s so silent that I’m able to hear my heart beating a little faster with each passing second. Our hands stay connected, as do our gazes, and neither of us realizes that we’re standing right in the middle of the kitchen with our eyes dead set on each other.

I swear I’m feeling a knot constricting within the pit of my stomach when I gently slip my fingers through the soft gaps in between her fingers.

I want to get closer to her, but I can feel a stronger force holding me back and keeping my walls up. I want to hold her in my arms and trust her words, but that isn’t so easy anymore. In fact, it suddenly scares me a little that I’m even allowing myself to feel these things. Every single person that I was close to left me in some way or the other, and it terribly scares me that my heart wishes to keep Yi-Seo close to me.

And if not for the loud ringing noise in the living room that jolts us back to earth, I have no doubts that we would have been kissing each other, or at least I think I would have probably made a move and done that.

Yi-Seo rips her hand out of mine with some kind of urgency and dashes out of the kitchen to answer the source of the ringing noise, which was her phone.

Shit! What was that?

Shaking off my thoughts, I rub a hand over my thumping chest to calm myself down. Even though it was a fleeting moment, I surely felt a strong current forming between us, and the way she literally ran out of the spot seemed as if she felt the same. Maybe. But I should choose not to look deeper into it and mess things up.

People never get close without vile and selfish intentions, and I, of all people, learnt it the hard way from every single person around me, ever. Yi-Seo is most definitely not one among them, but I cannot let anyone in, neither can I allow myself any further destruction by those around me. Why let others destroy me when I can do it myself?

I’m probably feeling strange because it has been many years since I heard comforting and healing words like these. It has even been a few long years since I got laid, and I firmly school my mind into believing that it’s all that I’ve ever wanted from a woman.

⚜
Phones, I swear!
😬😤

Published on : 01/27/2023