Klames

James knew he wasn't normal. That's why he woke up everyday with the same goal; don't draw attention to himself. Follow rules, socialize a normal amount, small talk with coworkers, be normal. That way they wouldn't suspect anything.

James's soulmate situation was different than most. It wasn't that James didn't have a soulmate. It wasn't even that he had two. It was that, well, he didn't understand the language one of the names was written in.

When he told people about his predicament, they told him to use Google Translate, as if he hadn't already tried that.

'Gee, thanks, why didn't I think of that?' He would try not to say.

To be fair, one of the names was understandable. Lance Mcclain. So, whenever anyone asked what his soulmate was named, he told them he was named Lance. They would always say that that was an interesting name, as if he didn't know that, either.

'Gee, thanks for your input,' He would try not to say. Doing so would draw attention to himself, and if past experience had taught him anything, it was that attention wasn't a good thing.

It was the other name that James couldn't understand. He'd tried entering it on google translate, but there wasn't even a keyboard option with any of the symbols on his arm.

'What alphabet has a letter that just looks kinda like a squinting, nine-legged dog?' He asked google. Google had answered that maybe he should try phrasing his question differently, or check his spelling.

As was previously stated, James Griffin tried very hard to be normal, and he thought he had done a good job. No one even asked about the symbols on his arm anymore. They just assumed it was a tattoo, now that he was old enough to get tattoos.

'Why would I get a tattoo like this?' James wanted to ask them. But he didn't. That would give it away.

So, you can imagine his surprise when an alien ship arrived on Earth and said, "My name is Lord Keithonorzal of Dibazol. I have come to your planet for those by the names of James Griffin and Lance McClain."

Everyone in James's workplace turned from the tv they were watching the invasion on, to look at him.

"What the fuck?" James asked.

James's coworkers had no qualms in handing James over to the alien.

James, tied up in rope that definitely shouldn't have been in his office to begin with, struggled against his bonds. "Why, Nadia? I wouldn't turn you over to an alien dictator if our roles were switched!"

His coworker, Nadia, shrugged. "Sorry, man. Maybe if we listen to him and turn you over, he'll leave us alone. Nothing personal."

James did not find this reassuring. He did not want to know what this alien wanted with him.

A tall, muscular man with a prosthetic arm stepped out of a door in the ship and walked down a ramp.

"Hi!" Nadia said, trying to imitate confidence, but only appearing more scared in the process. "I'm Nadia. I've got James Griffin here for you guys to eat or whatever."

James made a sound of panic.

The man rolled his eyes. "Lord Keithonorzal isn't planning on eating you."

"Thank god!" James said.

The man rolled his eyes again. "I'll take him from here."

James screamed as the alien man took him. "I don't want to die! I'm still only on the fourth season of Brooklyn 99! I need to find out if they get out of Florida! I need to-" The alien man slapped something over James's mouth.

'Rude.' James thought.

"My name's Shiro," The guy said. "I'm Keithonorzal's guard. Also his half brother, but I'm not a Galra noble like him, because I'm fully human."

James didn't respond, but that was mostly because there was something covering his mouth.

Once they were in a hallway that looked identical to all the other hallways James had been in during his time on the ship, Shiro looked at all the doors. James couldn't tell what he was looking for, because all the doors looked the same to him, but Shiro apparently knew, because he opened a door and entered the room.

Inside the room was an exam table and some cabinets, along with a tray full of medical tools. James eyed them nervously. He was not in the mood to be taken apart with a scalpel.

"Alrighty," Shiro said, "I'm going to undo the ropes your friends wrapped around you, because that's ridiculous. What kind of friends would do that?" He shrugged, "I guess it makes my job easier, but still, very rude."

Shiro's prosthetic hand started glowing. He pressed it against the ropes and they slid off, as if they had been cut. He also took the thing covering James's mouth off.

"Why?" James wailed, flinging his arms up to his face. "Why do you guys want me? I'm so normal, I won't do well in your alien arena!"

Shiro laughed uncomfortably, seemingly unsure of what to say.

'Good,' James thought, 'He deserves to be uncomfortable for kidnapping me.'

"Keithonorzal doesn't have an arena. In fact, he's one of the few nobles who's an advocate against arena fighting."

"Oh," James said, "Then why do you guys want me? I'm not a genius or anything. I mean, I got good grades in high school, but the American education system doesn't test intelligence, it tests memory."

"If we needed another genius, we'd get Pidge's dad," Shiro said, as if James knew who either person was. "No, you're here for....." Shiro paused. "I'll tell you in a minute. But I promise it's nothing bad."

'How comforting." James thought, not at all comforted.

"Could you take off your shirt?" Shiro asked. "Or roll up your sleeve? The one with your soulmate's name on it."

James rolled up his sleeve.

"Lance Mcclain," He said nonchalantly, hoping that Shiro didn't ask to see his other arm, too.

"Oh, cool," Shiro said, "That's the other guy we're looking for."

James wondered how he hadn't heard the other name. In all fairness, he had been pretty busy panicking and being tied up by his supposed 'friends.'

"What name's on your other arm?" Shiro asked. "Could I look?"

James swallowed audibly. Maybe once they saw the name, they'd let him go. "I guess, but it's not really a name. Just some weird symbols."

"Show me, please," Shiro said, an order this time instead of a request.

James reluctantly rolled up his sleeve. Shiro looked at the symbols and nodded as his eyes scanned them.

He moved his prosthetic hand to his mouth. He spoke into it, "I've got the correct James Griffin."

James started screaming. "No! I don't want to die! I'm so young! I'm so normal! I'm a vegetarian but I don't even brag about it! I'm one of the guys!" Tears gathered in his eyes. "I'm a team player at my office! I bring in muffins sometimes! Why is this happening to me?"

Shiro looked alarmed at James's outburst.

"Affirmative. Please bring him to his chambers and then report back to Lord Keithonorzal," His arm spoke.

Shiro awkwardly patted James on the back. "There there. You're going to love Keith."

"What's he going to do to me?" James asked.

Shiro shook his head. "He's not going to do anything to you. It's just that you're his soulmate."

James fainted.

Now, don't get him wrong, James wasn't a fainter. He had never stood up too quickly and collapsed, he had never banged his head so hard he had passed out, and he certainly hadn't ever been so shocked that he had lost consciousness.

But it's not like he had ever been told he was an alien's soulmate, either, so he supposed today was full of surprises.

James woke up in a bed with another guy. Usually, this would freak him out, but this was a really cute guy, and they were both still wearing clothes.

The guy laying next to him was awake, and he was on the phone with his friend.

"I'm being serious, Veronica," The guy said, "The aliens that invaded Earth are here for me!"

He paused, "Yeah, I know there are other Lance McClains, but the guy with the headband told me that I was an alien lord's soulmate. Plus, this explains those weird marks on my arm. Yeah, they put me in this room with another guy, who's apparently his other soulmate, and also my other soulmate. I- hold on. I'll call you back, the other guy's awake."

The guy, Lance Mcclain, James assumed, hung up the phone and looked at James. "So you're James Griffin, huh? I'm Lance Mcclain, but you can call me Loverboy."

James blinked and sat up. "I refuse to call you that. But yeah, I'm James."

Lance smiled charmingly, "Didn't imagine that I would meet my soulmates this way. I was thinking it'd be more of a meet cute thing and less of an alien abduction thing."

James nodded, "It's still nice to meet you. I agree, though, that the circumstances could be better."

Lance shrugged, "I'm excited to get some alien dick."

James made a choking sound. "I mean," He started, his voice cracking a little, "To each their own, I suppose."

"When I was younger," Lance said, "I always wondered what those symbols were. I thought it might be a cult's language or something, so I'm honestly relieved that it's just aliens."

James nodded. "Yeah. I always hid mine, hoping something like this wouldn't happen."

"That's where you've got it wrong," Lance said, "Hiding the weird parts of you only makes you sad, and it doesn't make you any less weird. You've got to flaunt the weird."

"Flaunting your flaws isn't a good way to fit into society." James pointed out.

"Fitting into society is overrated," Lance said, cutting James off with a wave of the hand. "Fitting into society is just what people do when they aren't unique enough to be their own people. Kinda like fitting into size zero pants. It's just what people who can't make good food do."

James considered this. "I don't think that's completely accurate, but I get your point."

"Exactly. No one has a legacy for being normal. That would be boring. Imagine; John Wright, followed rules, waved at neighbors. We remember him on this day because he was so goddamn normal."

"I get it, I get it." James said. He stood up and walked around the room. "I wonder when they're gonna come and get us."

The door opened with almost comical timing. Shiro was standing there. "Hey, Lance. Hey, James, I was trying to tell you earlier that you're my brother's soulmate. One of two. I'm guessing you've figured that out by now, though."

James nodded. "Yeah, I'm aware."

"Good. I've come to get you guys so you can eat dinner and meet Prince Keithonorzal."

Lance jumped up out of the bed. "Yeah! Time for some alien bonding!"

James was vaguely less excited. "Fuck."

Shiro led them down one of the many identical halls into a dining room. Sitting there were two people. One of them was wearing an orange headband, and the other was typing on a computer.

James was surprised that they looked so human. He wondered which one was Keithonorzal.

"Where's Prince Keithonorzal?" Shiro asked the people sitting there.

'Oh, so he's not here yet,' James thought.

The shorter person looked up from their computer. "Hey, Shiro. Hey, soulmate twinks. Keith's not here because I locked him in his closet."

"Pidge!" Shiro scolded, "Don't call them 'soulmate twinks.' You know their names. And why did you lock Keithonorzal in his closet?"

Pidge groaned and rolled their eyes, "Fine. I locked him in there so Hunk and I could interrogate the soulmates to make sure they're good enough for Keith."

"Not interrogate," The guy in a headband protested, "Just talk to, to make sure they and Keith are compatible."

"Isn't that the point of soulmates?" James asked before he could stop himself. "That way people don't waste their time with people who aren't their soulmates."

"And yet people still have the most common names," Pidge said, rolling their eyes again, "Made it super hard for me to calculate which James Griffin And Lance McClains were the right ones. That's why I named myself Pidge, even though my soulmate is my pet robot, Rover."

"You're dating a robot?" Lance asked. "Rad."

Pidge rolled their eyes for a third time. James remembered how his mom used to say, 'If you keep making that face, it'll get stuck that way.' He had strong urge to say that to Pidge now, but he doubted that would go over well.

"I'm not dating a robot," They said, "Not all soulmate pairings are romantic."

"So, anyway," The headband guy said, "What are your intentions with Keith?"

"Our intentions?" James said, starting to get frustrated, "You guys kidnapped us, not the other way around. You're in no place to question our motives."

Everyone in the room stared at him. James wished that he hadn't snapped like that until Pidge wolf whistled.

"I like this one," Pidge said. "He's spunky."

James was about to respond when the door across the room burst open.

Standing in the doorway was a handsome yet disgruntled man with long black hair pulled into a ponytail. He appeared human except for his ears, which were purple and fuzzy. He looked completely disheveled.

"You locked me in a closet with an angry ferret!" He shouted, pointing accusatorially at Pidge.

"You what?" Shiro asked Pidge with a look of disbelief.

"It was for your own good," Pidge said back, "You wouldn't have let me meet up with your soulmates if you hadn't been locked up."

'Oh,' James thought, 'So that's Keithonorzal. Or Keith, since that's easier to pronounce.'

"But why the ferret?" Keith asked.

"To give you a challenge," Pidge shrugged.

Keith turned to Hunk. "You were in on this?"

Hunk blushed, "I didn't know they would lock you in a closet with a ferret. They told me they would distract you."

"Nothing's more distracting than a ferret," Lance said.

Keith's head snapped toward Lance and James. He looked startled, like he had only just realized they were there.

"Oh," Keith said, standing up straighter, "Hello, James Griffin. Lance McClain."

James waved, "Hey."

"So, how about some dinner?" Shiro said, grabbing Pidge and Hunk by their wrists. "I'll take these two away now so you soulmates can get to know each other."

"I'm not done interrogating them," Pidge protested.

Shiro squinted his eyes at them. "Now."

James immediately saw that this guy could go from happy-go-lucky friend to stern, badass guard real quick.

Shiro dragged Pidge and Hunk from the room and closed the door.

A few minutes later, James, Keith, and Lance were all gathered around the table eating food that was suspiciously tasty for being alien food.

"You know," James said, addressing the elephant in the room, "Most good relationships don't start with a kidnapping."

Keith put his fork down and looked confused. "What do you mean?"

"I'm just saying that it's not the best foundation for a relationship."

"I know that," Keith said, "I just don't understand how it's relevant to this situation. You both came here on your own accord, did you not?"

"I did," Lance said, "But James's co-workers tied him up and dragged him here."

Keith looked bewildered, "I'm so sorry. I assure you, I had no part in that. If you'd like, I could arrange for you to go back to Earth."

James tilted his head in confusion. "You're not going to make me stay?"

"Of course not! I'd rather you be happy, and if you're not happy here, then you shouldn't be here." Keith paused, then spoke again, "Also, I would like to reiterate that I had no intention of kidnapping you, nor causing you harm."

James didn't say anything for a moment. He just sat, processing the new information while Lance and Keith chatted.

"So, James," Keith said toward the end of the dinner, sticking his fork into his cake, "Like I was saying, If you'd like to be taken back to Earth, I can have that arranged."

James thought about this proposal. Did he want to go back to Earth? What did he have going for him at home? He had friends- well, he used to think he had friends. But then they turned him over to an alien they thought was going to eat him, so they weren't very good friends.

He didn't have any friends outside of work and he didn't have any family. He was an only child, and he hadn't spoken to his parents since he came out. He didn't even have any pets.

He probably wouldn't be able to resume a normal life now whether he went back to Earth or not, but he definitely wouldn't be able to in space.

James thought about what Lance had said. 'Hiding the weird parts of you only makes you sad, and it doesn't make you any less weird. You've got to flaunt the weird.'

Plus, both of his soulmates were in space. If he went back to Earth, he wouldn't be able to get to know them.

"No," James decided, "I think I'll stay here."

Keith and Lance both smiled. James couldn't decide which smile he liked more.

"Great!" Keith said, "I'm excited to get to know you two better."

James lay in bed that night thinking about the day's events. It was the most eventful day he'd had in..... ever, really.

'But eventful doesn't always mean bad,' He thought as he drifted to sleep, 'I'm excited to see what happens next.'