I'm not here to rant about my life or say how everything sucks or whatever and nobody has to read this or say anything (although I am curious as to what you would say). I'm just writing this to get my thoughts down and figure this out. It also might help someone that feels the same way.  (You don't have to. To the words of my friend Mayonaise: we're all special snowflakes).

Let's get down to it and be honest.

I'm a caring person. I care a lot about what other people think of themselves or how happy they are. I'm not proud of being like this or anything, since I haven't done much to be this way. It's just how I am and I'm grateful to God for this.
But I never remember facts about others. I could've seen you five times and the sixth time I'll still ask who you are. Even if you're my friend I'll sometimes forget what age you are or what kind of sport you do. It just doesn't interest me. I'm selfish that way. One thing I don't like about myself.
However, I've always cared about others. Humans are so complicated. Every little thing I say could be switched up in their mind into something hurtful. No matter how careful I am.

Our words have the power to destroy and to build.

I'm always painfully aware of that. It's like I'm walking on land mines. And if I jump away from one landmine, I might jump right onto another one from the same/other person.
I try so hard to understand what I should or shouldn't say or how to treat others. I just want to understand.
(It's why I'm going to study therapy)
But by doing so, I forget myself.

Now, I'm what I consider a mentally stable person. Sure I've been bullied and discriminated but I was so oblivious I didn't even realize it until my parents told me years later. I simply don't care what other people say about me. I also never hold grudges. If those bullies asked me for a pencil I'd just give it to them without a second thought.
I don't think I've ever hated anyone and I don't want to find out whether I can.

But back to forgetting myself.
I may not need as much help as others and I may be a pretty happy person and I may have it better than others (mentally and emotionally and I'm not bragging but physically too lol), but that doesn't mean I should ignore what I feel. It's just that kind of thing that could make things get out of hand and become worse.

I decided I can't just carry everyone's burdens because I apparently 'don't have enough'. It's their life.
I can help. I can tell them I love them and won't judge them. But that's all I can do. I don't have to fix everything.
I can tell them they're lovable a million times but if they don't want to believe it then there's nothing I can do about that and that pains me, because why. Why would you hate yourself. Why would you hurt others. I don't understand.
For today, I've decided to not constantly think about how I should react or what I should say or how that leaf that fell could be like my friend's fall of her self esteem and I should be the wind to pick her up (because I seriously could psycholigize everything).
Today I'll think about myself.

I love others. I want them to love themselves. But I also love myself. (Even though I look like a burnt chicken nugget)
I'm not gonna give a whole list of things of why I love myself or 'despite' whatever 'flaws' I have, because those flaws are just another part of who I am.
I just love myself because I exist. I'm here. I'm not whatever my past is or whatever I have or whatever I do for other people or whatever I've accomplished. I'm just this one person. I may not be special but I am unique. I'm also one of the billions of others on this Earth (I also can't do math). If I can't fix it, someone else will.
Either way. It was nice to just think about myself for a moment.
And not think about what I could improve or focus on the good things.
But just.
A teenage girl in high school.
A person.
And I love that person.