I'm sitting on the floor in my room. I'm staring at the wall and my thoughts are going crazy. I feel terrible. It's Friday night and instead of flirting and partying, I'm staying at home. I know I shouldn't go out today. Many people have tried to convince me to, but I am assertive. I just know I'd get stoned. I have to at least try to be sober.

Besides, I don't want to piss off my father. He has his stressful time. He sits in the office all day, running some errands with uncle Blake. He only goes out to eat, so mostly I hide in my room. I don't want to risk him throwing a bottle at me again. Father's already annoyed enough by my absences from school.

Mother, on the other hand, doesn't care. One day she simply forgot that she had a child. There are no more questions about how it was at school, how the exams were, and whether I was okay. About ten minutes before, she went out with her friends to the club. She'll probably get drunk for the two of us. I hope police won't take her to the sobering-up station like a few months ago.

Dad then got very angry. And the fact that I came home drugged only made him even angrier. All his emotions then fell on me. He pushed me against a glass shelf. The shrapnel went so deep into my arm that they had to sew me up. The scar remained, so I made up stories that I had a fight in the club and they cut me with a knife. It sounded better than the truth. Only Liv knows what really happened.

My phone keeps vibrating but I don't care. It's probably some party invitation. Or Tara. She has been texting me since yesterday. She wants me to tell her about Sam's past. Why won't she ask her beloved sister?

My yesterday's threats were meant to scare her away but she's trying to get even closer now. I don't know what to do with her anymore. She's so damn stubborn. I really thought she was starting to be afraid of me, but she wasn't.

I stand up and went downstairs. I got hungry so put the sushi we ordered earlier on the plate. I poured the wine into the glass, hoping dad is still at his office. I started walking upstairs when I heard the doorbell ring. I had to turn around and put everything back on the table. Annoyed, I walked over to the door. When I opened them, Tara appeared. God.

— Hi.

— Hi — I said and sighed — What do you want?

— You were ignoring me.

— Really? That's shocking.

She rolled her eyes and took a step forward. I didn't move, but I tensed. I don't want her here. She shouldn't be here. Never in my life would I have thought that she would dare to come to my house alone. She's only been here for parties and last time when she drove me home with Sam.

— Can I come? — Tara asked

— If you have to.

She walked in and unbuttoned her blouse.

— Go to my room, I'll be there in a minute.

When she nodded and went to stairs I sighed. I quickly grabbed extra chopsticks from the kitchen. I raised my glass of wine and drank it quickly then one more. And again. Otherwise, I won't be able to talk to her.
I put it in the dishwasher and took the unopened wine out of the cupboard.

When I entered the room with the sushi and wine, I saw Tara looking through my books. I put everything on the table and took glasses from commode. I walked over to stand next to her.

— You like books?

— I love them. Reading is my passion — she said with a smile

— Used to be mine too.

— Seriously? I mean yeah, you have a lot of books here but I thought it was for decoration.

I smiled and our eyes met. I remember which book she read at my place while I was sleeping. I'll lend it to her.

— It is — I said and she got annoyed — I can show you something.

I started walking and she followed me. She will be surprised. Unless my father shows up here and throws us out, it will be a nice surprise.

— Guess what it is.

She gave me side eye and shrugged. I raised my eyebrows while waiting and Tara smirked.

— A lot can be expected from you. These could be options: from a cotton candy machine, to a torture chamber.

— You lost — I told her — It should be one answer.

— So we were playing?

— Kind of. Now you will stay in this torture chamber.

We looked at each other with a smile. It took us a while to go through the whole corridor and stairs. I stood at the door and grabbed the handle.

— You're gonna love it.

— Promise? — she asked

— Kind of.

I opened the door and switch lights on. I have a large library here with over a thousand books already. They are arranged alphabetically.

— Oh my fucking god... Amber it's amazing.

Tara is standing in shock with her mouth slightly parted. I know it impresses her.

— I know. It's my safe place.

The shelves are made in the old style, painted black. The lamps also look old and give the perfect amount of light. There are four of them. Here and there are extinguished black candles. There is an armchair in the middle and an ashtray because I love to smoke while reading.

— It screams "Amber Freeman" — Tara said to me

I smirked and put my hands in my pockets.

— Have you read everything?

— I didn't. I mean, I've read almost all of mine, I think I have three left. But there are also my father's books. He used to love reading. Me too. We were really close.

When I said that, I felt really weird. I felt a previously unknown feeling of longing. Those times were just better. Calmer and safer.

— What changed you two?

— A lot of things. But it doesn't matter.

— It does.

— No...Let's go to my room. Raw fish and grape liquor are waiting for us.

— Fine.

We walked back to the room in silence and sat down in the armchairs next to the table. I opened the bottle with a corkscrew. I poured us wine and handed Tara the chopsticks. She took them and thanked me with a smile.

— I want to apologize for yesterday and Tuesday — she said — I freaked out.

— I saw. It's really worrying.

I dipped a piece of sushi in soy sauce and ate it.

— It's nothing.

— I don't think so — I said and and bit the inside of my cheek waiting for her to confess

Tara sighed and put chopsticks on the table. She took a glass of wine and drank it all at once. After that she finally looked at me.

— I've been having bad days lately. My mom drinks more and more. I did drugs. Sam's going crazy, then you and Wes...

— I know I'm a bad person but what Wes did? Besides being...annoying, stupid and embarrassing...

I could go on and on. Tara doesn't deny so he must have upset her.

— I don't want to talk about this. I already told you so much.

I'm interested in this situation, but I don't want to pressure Tara. She's already tense. She is looking like she's going to cry. I wouldn't want that, I can't comfort people.

— Okay — I agreed and I ate another piece of sushi

— Wes shouldn't have say that you're emotionless.

— I didn't even care that he did— I shrugged and smiled

— So... Jiil? — Tara smiled but my mood worsened — I mean, she was your first love but why are you seeing her at Spring Break? And how is it possible that I haven't heard that you were in love?

This is a topic I never wanted to discuss again. My body shuddered and I reached for a glass of wine.

— Our parents are friends, we go somewhere every year but last time she didn't show up. And you don't know her because she moved away from Woodsboro just before you moved in.

— Makes sense — Tara said and finally tried sushi — Have you been together long?

— We weren't even together officially. I know what is sounded like, but I didn't just cheated on Mindy with her. This "thing" of ours lasted for almost three years — I took a long sip of wine  — I really felt something.

When I think about all this, I want to cry. I loved her. I really did. She was so addictive. Every day without her was agony. Jill Roberts has literally stolen my soul, my thoughts and my heart.

— So what happened?

— Your sister found out and told her to stop. I've hated her since that day.

Tara is looking confused. I would be too. This all is so fucked up.

— Sam? What does Sam had to do with your ex? Why would she care who you date?

— They went to class together when Jill lived there. They...— I slowed down because I don't know what I can say and what not — were best friends.

— But Sam is 5 years older than us — Tara said, becoming more and more confused — How old were you when you and Jill...

— I was fourteen at the beginning.

She is looking at me in shock. Shock slowly turns to anger. She raised her hand to put it on mine, but I took mine away. I don't need pity.

— She was 20 — Tara said

— Nineteen at the start.

I sipped my wine and leaned back in the armchair. I know our relationship was unhealthy, even illegal but Jill was my everything. We really cared about each other. She loved me. She was the only one who understood me.

— I know what it looks like, but...— I started

— Don't even defend her. Amber she was an adult and you were a kid.

— We loved each other! Your sister ruined us!

— She saved you. Are you sure you want to meet Jill?

I got up, grabbed the whole bottle of wine and went out onto the balcony. I took a long gulp and looked up at the dark sky. Tara stood next to me and put her hand on my shoulder.

— It must be hard for you. She should be arrested for statutory rape...

— I wasn't raped Tara! I wanted her! I love her! — I shouted

I realized what I said and felt stupid.

— Love? — the girl repeated

— Loved...or love I don't fucking know...

I turned to her and she nodded. She strokes my shoulder, it's reassuring. I feel like I'm about to cry. What if she's right and my relationship with Jill should never have happened?

I set the bottle on the table and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. I quickly lit one with shaky hands.

— How did it look like? You were hiding or what?

Tara is really worried now. I can see it in her eyes.

— Yes. Our parents are friends so it wasn't difficult. Everyone looked at us as friends, even as family.

These were the best and worst years of my life. She could be tender and loving, and then stab a knife into the heart.

I took a deep drag on my cigarette, thinking about all those moments with her. When she was in a good mood, she was caring, she took me on dates and bought me gifts. But something was changing in her and she was cold, she only wanted sex and then disappeared, she was constantly taking drugs and drinking.

It was as if there were two versions of her and they were changing every few weeks.

— That's sick. So what, she was coming and helping you with your homework? It's a big age difference! — she says it with such pitt that it makes me feel uncomfortable

I hate it when someone looks at me with pity. I hate showing emotions.

— We were getting stoned, talking, having sex and that was it. I was happy when she was near to me.

— Great, she even gave you drugs! — Tara said pissed off

— I don't regret this relationship, Tara. She loved me.

— I don't know what it was Amber, but it wasn't love.

— It was! — I said angrily and threw the cigarette off the balcony — And it for sure wasn't her fault that I became junkie. I was already deeply addicted when she for the first time offered me something.

— So what prompted you?

— To be honest, I went places I shouldn't have. I was going to parties I shouldn't been allowed to. But with money you can do everything — I laughed but I'm not happy and this isn't funny — At one party, some genius thought it would be great to put something in my drink. "Because I'm too stiff, I need to loosen up if I want to be here." And when I felt so great, I wanted to feel like this for the rest of my life. It got me. And it's been almost four years and I still can't stop myself from that.

— You know what idiot did this?

— Yes. But I won't tell you. It's personal but it wasn't Jill.

— Okay. How long are you clean?

— Eight days? Maybe nine or ten.

— That's good.

Our eyes met and I sighed. I turned around and sat leaning against the railing. Tara did the same. We're looking at each other, she seems to know that I want to say something.

— Tara...Don't let yourself make that mistake. Don't go into it — I opened my mouth, wondering if I should say it — Please.

Her eyes widened and she nodded slowly.

— I won't. Thank you for not supporting my dumb idea.

I know I wasn't supposed to beg her, but I felt I had to. She doesn't deserve to end up like me.

— Why are we like that, Tara? — I laughed a little and I took out another cigarette

I guess the wine had its effect on me. I wouldn't normally tell her all this.

— What? — she asked confused

— One day we want to kill each other, and the next day we talk and try to help each other.

— It's weird but that's who we are. At least our relationship isn't boring, right?

We laughed and I took a drag from my cigarette. I can't believe we're just sitting on my balcony talking. It's Tara Carpenter. The girl I despised for two years.

I turned to her with a smile and began to scan every part of her face.

— I do not hate you — she said

— I know. And I don't hate you — I smirked and rolled my eyes — Probably.

We fell silent. I honestly don't know if I ever hated her. Now I don't think I could. I hate her sister, not her. I only bullied Tara because she always kept a distance between us. She always looked at me strangely. She didn't speak when I was around. I wanted her to talk to me. But when I heard that she hates me, I started acting like I hated her too. So I was mean, terribly mean.

— Don't look at me like this — she said to break the silence

— Like what? — I asked

— You know.

And the moment she said it, I felt connected to her. I sucked air into my lungs, afraid to move. I feel like I'm walking a tightrope. One wrong move and I'll go down.

— I don't — I hissed and ran my tongue over the back of my teeth

— Like you want to be closer.

What am i supposed to do? She smirked and she tilted her head. I clenched my jaw and swallowed hard. Tara moved closer so I looked at her lips. I opened my mouth slightly and placed my hand on her thigh. She tensed and I moved my hand a little higher...

— Stop it! — she shouted and moved away

She knocked my hand off her leg and stood up. What the hell happened?

— Hey, calm down. I thought you want to kiss me. I'm sorry. We really don't have to.

— I wanted to — she said, her voice starting to tremble

I tensed up when she confirmed it. I crushed my cigarette in the ashtray. I don't understand what happened.

— So why you got scared? I just touched you.

— I don't know...I...

I got up too and looked at her. She looks like she's about to cry. I'm worried. This is not a normal reaction to someone's touch. Especially mine, because I've already run my hands all over her body.

— Tara.

I approached and slowly extended my hand towards her.

— Can I?

She nodded, so I embraced her and led her inside. I set her shivering on the bed and knelt in front of her. I gently took her hand and laced our fingers. What was that? Was she scared of me or what was the reason?

— Do you want tea? Or anything?

I can't comfort people. It's just not me. I'm a bad person, I destroy everything I can. How can I help her?

— No, thanks, I'm sorry — she said — It was dumb. I acted like a freak.

— You didn't. Maybe you got stressed out.

I am terribly nervous! We almost kissed... We did it before but we're not drunk or stoned this time. Maybe I am a little but still. Where did this tension come from? I really wanted that kiss. It felt right and wrong at the same time. And now I'm sitting here holding her hands, wondering what I can do to make her happy.

— It's not about you. I guess I'm fucked up. It just reminded me of something.

At that moment, I realized. Maybe I'm not that dumb. I think I know the answer on my previous guesses.

— Something that happened on Tuesday?

Fucking Tuesday. She went on a date. The next day she didn't show up at school. Her date was Wes. She barely looked at him yesterday. When he spoke to her, she tensed up. She preferred to sit next to me than near to him. She pushed me and yelled at me for no reason. When I refused to give her drugs, she ran away from school. She wasn't there today either. And she mentioned him when she talked about what was bothering her so much.

— How do you know?

— I was guessing. What happened while you were with Wes?

— It doesn't matter.

— It does. To me — I said while staring at her eyes

She pursed her lips and looked away.

— Talk to me Tara.

— Why should I trust you? — she asked

— I trusted you about my thing with Jill. Only Liv knows as much as you do now.

— I thought you don't trust anyone.

— Sometimes I have to.

Tara sighed and nodded. She squeezed my hand and lifted her head to look at me.

— Wes really wanted to go somewhere. I didn't consider it a date until he called it that. I don't even like him.

— I don't blame you — I rolled my eyes

— He knew that I don't feel anything. And I know I was wrong, but I kissed him just to keep my mind off the girls. It was mean, I know. I'm not proud of myself. I've been really trying to fell in love with him for these two years. But... — she didn't finish and tears began to flow down her cheeks

— But you don't like boys.

— I don't.

She let go of me and covered her face with her hands, sobbing.

— Hey, Tara. It's okay.

I approached still knelting. I took her hands and uncovered her face. I wiped her cheek from tears and put my hand on it.

— We don't choose who we love — I said

— I never wanted to like girls... Everything was going well and then we had sex. I was afraid of what I did. And then we did it again. It was just too good to be wrong.

— Do you regret it?

— No. No, I don't. But to keep from thinking about it, I kept Wes close to me. I let him talk about how we fit together, I let him buy me flowers, I let him kiss me. It was hideous. Honestly, when you came on Tuesday, I was hoping you'd stay. But I also wanted you to fuck off.

I nodded and smiled. I felt the same about her. I understand.

— But getting to the point, when I was with him on Tuesday, he kissed me. He kept his hand on my thigh. I pulled away and told him I didn't want to, that I like him but as a friend. He didn't believe me. Wes...kissed me again. And then he... — she cries even more — he suddenly put his hand in my panties.

I looked at Tara in shock and my mouth dropped open a little. I'm gonna kill him. I'll take a knife and I will stab every part of his body. Unfortunately, only in my mind.

— Has he done anything else? — I asked

— No, I pushed him away. We sat in silence for a good twenty minutes until he finally left. I wanted to cry. It even crossed my mind to say Sam. I didn't. She would kill him.

— I will.

— Amber. I don't want anyone to know about this.

— It's fine. I won't tell anybody.

— And don't hurt him. Please.

— I...— I started thinking — Okay I won't.

— Thank you.

I started to wonder if I should do something. I would like to hurt him badly, but I won't do anything that Tara doesn't agree to. I took a deep breath as I looked at the girl.

— Fuck, come here.

I spread my arms and Tara slid off the bed onto her laps. She hugged me and I hugged her as tight as I could. It's the least I can do for her.

— It's not your fault — I said — Never even think that way. I won't let him get close to you.

— Thank you.

I can feel her breath on my neck. Tara is still jittery. Me too, but out of hate. I can't believe Wes treated her like this. No means no. Who the fuck does that to their longtime friend? To anyone? Maybe I'm not a good person, I don't even pretend to be, but I would never do this without permission.

Wes is done. If I see him with her again, I won't be able to control myself.