I've been lying on the bed for two hours, fighting with myself not to text the dealer. I locked myself in my room and didn't let my mom come in. She seemed too positive about my reunion with Jill. She always liked her. Everything pisses me off so much. We were caught. And I gave in like some teenager in love...Why am I so dumb?

Tara and Mindy are still texting me. I'm sick of them, they keep asking me about Jill. Mindy has already sent me three paragraphs about how if I don't text back, I'm probably getting fucked.

I can't. Fucking Jill. She did all this just to feel the power she has over me. She must be feeling amazing right now. She won, I let her.

I quickly got out of bed with my phone and texted a few chicks. There are a lot of parties in the town today. I need a fun time now more than anything else. I don't have time for any makeup and just wear whatever. I'll just make sure I have a turtleneck. No one needs to see these hickeys. Everyone wants me anyway, even when I look terrible.

I ran downstairs hoping to not meet my mother. I don't need her talking about how great Jill is and that I need to get along with her again. I knew she wouldn't stay with me, that it would just be sex and she would leave. I fell into her trap again. Just a few words about "us" were enough.

I will forget about her today. I will forget about each one. I'll get blazed until I puke or die. Dead, I won't have to worry about the shit I got myself into.

I left the house and I see Tara in the driveway. What? Why the hell did she come here?

— What the fuck are doing here? — I asked angry

I only stopped when our bodies collided. I expected her to get out of my way.

— I was worried.

I raised my eyebrows for a moment. Worried? Or maybe just nosy?

— There's nothing to worry about. Go home.

I tried to walk past her but she grabbed my arm and stopped me.

— Where are you going? You look nervous.

I laughed and pulled out of her grip. What the fuck am I supposed to be like? Do I have any reason to be fucking happy?

— Don't meddle Tara, really.

— I want to help. Talk to me.

— About?! — I shouted at her - You've been annoying me for five hours!

She looked at me sadly then turned her head away. Did she think that spamming my phone would somehow help?

— I...I thought something was wrong.

— It was. It is. But I'm on my way to forget about it.

I turned around and walked towards the car. She ran and stood in front of me, blocking my way.

— I'm guessing you won't be sober? You want drugs? Right? — she asked and sighed

— Probably — I shrugged and smirked — What do you think, ecstasy or mephedrone? We fucked after mephedrone.

I actually don't know what it was. But I guess it was strong one because I don't remember a thing.

She looked around to see if anyone was there when I said that. She's still afraid someone will find out. I wonder if it's just her fear of being exposed or her shame about me.

— Don't take anything. We can go anywhere you want, do whatever you want, just don't do drugs.

— Oh, shut up Tara — I told her and she gritted her teeth — Do not lecture me.

— Amber, stop it! — she said in a serious tone — Don't push me away because you feel bad!

— Come with me then. But I'm going to get drugged whether you agree or not!

I tried to push her away from the car door, but it only ended in a short struggle. I want to go, but I won't do anything to her.

— But why for a God sake?! Did she do something to you?

— A lot!

When I shouted that I was about to grab the car door handle but she stopped me again. I got mad and grabbed her arms. She, on the other hand, she put her hands on my chest. I feel this rage inside me. It's increasing. I want to go.

— Wouldn't it be better to just talk? — she asked — Or let's watch a movie! I don't know, fucking pizza?! Chess? Or let's meet the rest of the group? Whatever... Amber, I'm not letting you go down again!

I released her and stepped back. What the fuck? I'm looking into her eyes, surprised by her words. Does she really care that much about me?

— What did that whore do to you?

— Jill's not a whore! Watch your words!

The girl sighed and then looked somewhere behind me.

— Leave me the fuck alone. Fuck you, understand that, I want to go to a fucking party and have fun!

The sound of a car horn snapped me out of my thoughts. I quickly turned around and saw Chad's car. Oh great. He drives towards my house and honks. When they're closer, I can see the boy and Mindy inside.

— You called an intervention? — I asked and laughed angrily

— No. I swear.

Chad honked longer, which made me irritated. I guess they won't leave. I looked at Tara, and we both headed to the road.

— What's up?! — Chad rolled down the window — Sis said she must go to you immediately.

— Seriously? — I asked and gave Mindy a look

— You weren't answering — she said

— I know. I needed time for myself.

— Are you two going somewhere?

She looked at Tara for an answer.

— No. We're not.

— So get in. We're going to Liv's to watch Saw 3 — Chad told us

— Sounds great — Tara said and opened the door for me — Get in, Satan.

Chad and Mindy smiled at the fact that Tara used the nickname their mom gave me. I didn't even know she knew about it. How many parents hate me?

— You hate horrors — I said and looked at her

— But you love them.

I didn't move, I just sighed.

— Come on Freeman, don't keep the lady waiting — Mindy said

I shook my head and got into the car. Tara sat next to me and looked at me with the smile.

— Who brought you to me anyway? — I asked her

— I walked.

— On those short legs? — I laughed and twins too

— Fuck off guys. Give me your arm, I'm tired.

She put her head on my shoulder and I froze. The fuck? I just didn't expect it. I swallowed hard and looked through the window.

This is not how I planned this evening. But maybe it's better than partying and drugs?

No. It's not.

But maybe sitting around people I can tolerate, (plus Wes) will be better for me. I don't know. Let's see. If I feel bad, I'll take something anyway.

...

The atmosphere is fine. Nobody says anything about Jill. We are just watching Saw and eating the snacks we bought. I've calmed down a bit now. The fact that they were so worried about me and came for me is kinda sweet.

Wes is sitting in an armchair next to the couch and Liv and Chad are cuddled up on a blanket on the floor. I am sitting in the middle of the couch with Mindy on my right and Tara on my left.

Mindy's hand is on my knee, which isn't visible because we're under the blanket. Tara, on the other hand, keeps her hand close to mine. Every time she gets closer, I get further away slowly. It's enough that she was laying on my shoulder all the way.

I keep checking my phone, hoping for a message from Jill. She could text me anything. Anything. I just want to talk to her, but I know I can't. I shouldn't, for my own peace. But is it really a problem for her to text me?

— I'm getting another beer, you want one? — I asked everyone

— Nope — Liv said

Chad and Mindy shook their heads.

— I want — Wes said and I nodded

— I'll be right back.

I stood up, causing Mindy's hand to fall to the couch, which Tara and Wes certainly noticed. I walked into the kitchen and went to the fridge. I opened it and looked for a beer. I took one out and when I closed the fridge Tara appeared.

I jumped a bit in shock and looked at her confused. She is standing and looking at me with her arms crossed.

— Be glad I didn't hit you — I said

— Is something still going on between you and Mindy? She was just mad at you and now she's got her hand on your leg?

— Is that a problem? — I laughed but she didn't

There's nothing between me and Mindy. What once was won't come back. We're just still close.

— We like to have fun sometimes, that's all. You and I had fun too.

Tara clenched her jaw slightly and looked away for a moment.

— She clearly didn't move on — she said

— Does that piss you off?

I feel like this conversation is pointless. Is she jealous or what? I don't get it. I don't want to spoil this evening.

— No. Of course not. I'm just getting lost in it all — she is looking in my eyes — Everything is so complicated.

— What do you mean? — I asked her confused

— You know what I mean.

I really don't know.

— Do you want beer? — I just asked stupidly

— Amber, Jesus!

— What?!

— Nothing. It's bad time. I shouldn't have started the topic.

A strange silence fell between us. I opened the beer with the knife and took a sip. Tara crossed her arms and is staring at the wall.

A shiver ran through my body. My meeting with my ex comes to mind again. I regret that very much. Maybe I should grab three beers at once?

— I kissed Jill — I said

— What the hell?! — she asked and she straightened up

— I fucked up, I know. She just undressed me and left.

— Yeah, you really fucked up. What the hell were you thinking?! That she'll come back to you? That she loves you?!

The tone in which Tara said that shocked me. Does she really have to blame me for everything today? She wasn't like that at school.

— Why are you like this?

— Because I'm fucking disappointed in you!

It felt like something hit my chest. I frowned and tightened my hand on the bottle.

— Don't talk like a parent. I'm older than you.

— Few months. And don't change the topic.

— Tara I don't want to fight. Not today. Be mad at me tomorrow. I just want to drink a fucking beer and watch a movie! Don't ruin it! You think I'm not disappointed in myself?!

It got quiet again. Tara seems to be thinking over her words.

— Okay. You're right, I'm sorry. I have no right to be angry at you about Jill or Mindy. We're not together.

— Yes, we're not.

She looked away again and I decided not to say anything more. I grabbed my beer and Wes's and left the kitchen. I'm not going to get angry and argue. Not today.

I handed Wes his beer and sat down next to Mindy.

— Where is Tara? — she asked

I just shrugged and I embraced her. I take a sip of beer and decide to focus my attention on the movie. About 3 minutes passed and Tara came back into the room. When we made eye contact, I turned and put my head on her shoulder. She smiled, so did I. I turned around again, but Tara is no longer looking at me. She went and sat on the couch, but far from me. Something's not right between us, I doubt we'll ever be serious friends. We don't fit together, I can see it more and more.