( GODS & MONSTERS )

PARKING LOT OF THE
ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL
[ ☾]

"Come on everybody! Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go. Alright, alright, go, go, go! Get outta here!" Dean yells.

Gabriel sits in the Impala with the window rolled down. "Psst! Dean! Don't look at me! Act natural. Get in." He says.

"Man, there is nothing natural about this at all. I thought you were dead." Dean says.

"You think I'd give Kali my real sword? That thing can kill me!" Gabriel yells.

"Then what do they have in there?"

"A fake! Made it out of a can of diet orange Slice." Says Gabriel. "So, uh, go snag our blood, would ya?"

"What?" Dean asks.

"I heard you in there. Kali likes you. You can get close. Lift the plasma, then we vamoose." Gabriel says.

"No. Hand over the real blade. Better yet, why don't you sack up and help us take down Lucifer."

"You can't be serious?" He asks.

"Deadly." Says Dean.

"Since when are you butt buddies with a bunch of monsters?" Gabriel says. "That's all they are to you, aren't they?"

"Alright, you know, Sam was right. It's nuts but it's the best idea I've heard, so unless you have a better one?"

"Well, good luck with that. Me? I'm blowing Jonestown. Those lemmings wanna run off a cliff, that's their business." Gabriel says.

"I see right through you, you know that? The smart-ass shell, the whole "I could give a crap" thing? Believe me, it takes one to know one." Dean says.

"That so?"

"Yes. And maybe those freaks in there aren't your blood but they are your family." Says Dean.

"They just stabbed me in the friggen heart!" Gabriel yells.

"Maybe, but you still give a crap about 'em, don't you?" Dean asks.

"Dean."

"Now they're gonna die in there,  without you." Dean says.

"I can't kill my brother." Gabriel says.

"Can't or won't?" Dean asks and Gabriel remains quiet. "That's what I thought."

THE ELYSIAN FIELDS
HOTEL GRAND BALLROOM
[ ☾]

"So you're going to summon Lucifer." Kali asks.

"Sort of. I just need you to squeegee some stuff from my ribs and he'll come running." Sam says.

"Breaking them would be easier." She says.

"Show's over. Sword's a fake, and Gabriel, he's still kicking. I hate to break it to you, sister, but you've been tricked." Dean says.

THE ELYSIAN FIELDS
HOTEL LOBBY
[ ☾]

A hand hits the bell. Mercury turns around to greet the new guest. "Checking in." Lucifer says.

"Lucifer, thanks for coming." Mercury says.

"Oh, you did right calling me." Lucifer says.

"It's just... The way the talk is heading in there, it's... it's insane!"

"You know, I never understood you pagans, always fighting, always happy to sell out your own kind." Lucifer says. "No wonder you forfeited this planet to us. You are worse than humans. You're worse than demons. And yet you claim to be Gods." He twists his fingers and Mercury dies as his neck snaps. "And they call me prideful."

THE ELYSIAN FIELDS HOTEL GRAND BALLROOM
[ ☾]

The lights in the Grand Ballroom begin to flicker. "What's happening?" Baldur asks. Odin screams outside the Grand Ballroom as Lucifer kills him, then explodes Ganesh in a burst of blood and chunks of flesh. Lucifer then breaks Baron Samedi's arm, killing him also. Lucifer is seen in the hallway walking past a stream of corpses of Gods as the lights flicker.

"It's him." Sam says.

"How?" Kali asks.

"Does it matter? Shazzam us outta here, would ya?" Dean asks.

"We can't." Says Baldur.

"Of course you can't. You didn't say "mother, may I?" Sam, Dean, good to see you again." Lucifer says.

"Baldur, don't." Kali says.

"You think you own the planet? What gives you the right?" Baldur confronts Lucifer, who stabs into him, ripping him apart from the inside with his bare hand, killing him.

"No one gives us the right, we take it." As Lucifer throws Baldur to the ground, Kali becomes enraged, engulfing her arms in fire which she throws at Lucifer, causing Sam and Dean to jump for cover behind an overturned table. The flames dissipate revealing no damage to Lucifer's vessel.

Lucifer hits Kali with an uppercut to the chin, sending her flying. "You okay?" Sam asks Dean.

"Not really. Better late then never, huh?" Gabriel hands Dean a copy of CASA EROTICA #13 on DVD. "Guard this, with your life." Lucifer is about to stomp on Kali but is blown back through the Grand Ballroom doors. Gabriel stands, sword in hand. "Lucy, I'm home. Not this time." He picks up Kali. "Guys! Get her outta here."

"Over a girl. Gabriel, really? I mean I knew you were slumming, but I hope you didn't catch anything." Lucifer says.

"And what about you and Katherine. Yeah, thought so." Gabriel says and Lucifer frowns. "Lucifer, you're my brother. And I love you. But you are a great big bag of dicks."

"Wait, what did you just say to me?" Lucifer asks.

"Look at yourself! Boo hoo! Daddy was mean to me, so I'm gonna smash up all his toys."

"Watch your tone." Says Lucifer.

"Play the victim all you want. But you and me? We know the truth. Dad loved you best. More than Michael, more than me." Gabriel says. "Then he brought the new baby home and you couldn't handle it. So this is all just one big temper tantrum. Time to grow up."

THE ELYSIAN FIELDS
HOTEL PARKING LOT
[ ☾]

"I'm not getting in that thing." Kali says as she looks at the Impala.

"Just get in the car, princess." Dean says as Sam opens the door for Kali, then gets in the front passenger seat. Dean gets in to the driver's seat and the three of them drive off.

"Gabriel, if you're doing this for Michael..." Lucifer starts.

"Screw him. If he were standing here, I'd shiv his ass too." Gabriel says.

"You disloyal-"

"Oh, I'm loyal. To them!" Yells Gabriel.

"Who? These so called Gods?" Lucifer asks.

"To people, Lucifer. People."

"So you're willing to die, for a pile of cockroaches. Why?" Asks Lucifer.

"Because Dad was right. They are better than us." Gabriel says.

"They are broken. Flawed! Abortions."

"Damn right they're flawed. But a lot of them try. To do better, to forgive. And you should see the Spearmint Rhino!" Gabriel yells. "I've been riding the pine a long time. But I'm in the game now, and I'm not on your side, or Michael's. I'm on theirs."

"Brother, don't make me do this." Lucifer says.

"No one makes us do anything."

"I know you think you're doing the right thing, Gabriel. But I know where your heart truly lies." Over Lucifer's shoulder we see a second Gabriel, coming up behind him. As he lunges forward, Lucifer catches his arm and stabs Gabriel's own sword into his chest. "Here. Amateur hocus pocus. Don't forget, you learned all your tricks from me, little brother." Lucifer jerks the blade in his chest. In a burst of light, Gabriel dies.

Red with scrolling credits. Cheesy "porno music" plays in background.

ALL PERFORMERS IN THIS FILM ARE OVER THE AGE OF 18, HAVE CONSENTED TO BEING PHOTOGRAPHED, AND HAVE PROVIDED PROOF OF AGE. 18 U.S.C. SECTION 2257

HOTEL ROOM
[ ☼ ]

"Dear Diary, being a high powered business president is super-fun. But sooo exhausting. Sometimes, I just need to relax. I need Casa Erotica." A Woman says. There is a knock at the door.

"Room Service!"

Sam and Dean are watching the CASA EROTICA 13 DVD given to them by Gabriel. "Come in!"

"Gabriel wanted you to guard this with your life?" Sam asks.

"Maybe he's a fan. It is a good one." Dean says.

CASA EROTICA
HOTEL ROOM
[ ☼ ]

The door to the hotel room opens and Gabriel appears, wearing a mustache and a service waiter's outfit. "I've got the grilled bass you ordered." He says.

"Ooh. Polish?"

"Hungarian." Gabriel throws the dish onto the mantle as we cut away. You can hear the sound of him kissing the Woman.

Both Sam and Dean look slightly disturbed. On Sam's laptop, Gabriel is passionately kissing the Woman, while feeling her up and down, erotically. Both are moaning. "What the hell's going on?" Sam asks. Gabriel turns to the camera, removes his mustache and begins to speak, breaking the fourth wall of the film.

"Sam, Dean. You're probably wondering what the hell is going on. Well, if you're watching this, I'm dead. Oh please! Stop sobbing, it's embarrassing for all of us. Without me, you've got zero shot at killing Lucifer, sorry! But can trap him. The cage you sprung Lucifer from? It's still down there. And maybe, just maybe, you can shove his ass back in. Not that it'll be easy. You gotta get the cage open, trick my bro back into it. And uh, oh yeah, avoid Michael and the God Squad. But hey, details, right? And here's the big secret, Lucifer himself doesn't even know -- the key to the cage? It's out there. Actually it's keys, plural. Four keys, well, four rings. From the Horsemen. You get 'em all, you got the cage. Can't say I'm betting on you boys. But, uh, hey! I've been wrong before. And Dean, you were right. I was afraid to stand up to my brother, not any more. So this is me, standing up."

"And this is, me, lying down." Gabriel grabs the woman, throwing her and himself to the bed, and begins making love to her. Dean and Sam look confused, then disturbed, then Sam shuts his laptop.

"Oh, uh, oh! Oh man!" Sam says.

"Horsemen, huh? Well we got War's. We nicked Famine's. That's two down. Collect all four? All we need is Pestilence and Death." Dean says.

"Oh, is that all?" Sam asks.

"It's a plan." Dean says and Sam nods, retrieves his laptop and gets into the passenger seat of the Impala. Dean takes his place behind the wheel and they drive away.

GENERAL STORE
[ ☼ ]

Pestilence pulls up to a general store on the side of the road. He is driving a green car that is clearly and audibly a clunker, dirty and in need of repair. A store clerk reads the newspaper behind the counter. The store is otherwise empty. A fly lands on his paper, and as he readies his swatter, Pestilence enters the store, and the fly gets away. He appears very ill.

He sneezes and rubs mucus-covered hands all over everything, as he searches for what he wants. More flies are accumulating around the Store Clerk. Pestilence grabs a box of "Flu Arrest". "This stuff make you drowsy. Got a lot of driving to do."

"Blue ones make you sleepy. Red and orange ones are okay for day time." The Clerk says.

Pestilence walks to the counter, then sneezes all over the Clerk's face, covering him in mucus. "This is awful." He coughs.

Pestilence exits the general store, straightening his posture – clearly not as sick as he was playing. He returns to his vehicle and drives away. We see his Nevada license plate reads "SIKN TRD" (sick and tired). As he drives off, flies accumulate around him and we can hear loud buzzing.