By MidnightDragon_03

~

So, here I am. I'm a 15 year old enby on the internet who wants to share a story. This is how I figured out my non-binary identity, and have come to accept myself.

First Steps
In current years, I have definitely preferred presenting myself as more androgynous. When I was younger, I loved dresses and pink. As I went through elementary school, I began shifting away from that sort of stuff.

In 5th grade I got my first pair of cargo shorts, and I loved them. I started wearing them all the time, because I loved the how I looked a bit more like the boys in my class. The majority of my clothes though though were very girly. I also put up with dresses.

The Middle School Years
Ah, middle school. The weird limbo phase between elementary and high school where everyone is just this huge ball of awkward, and not sure what exactly who they are or what they want to do with their life.

It was in these years that I really began getting into the LGBTQ+ community, and thinking about how I self-identify.

Around 6th grade is when I first heard the word ""transgender"". We were doing projects on teen activists, and I came across Jazz Jennings. By finding out about her, I found an entire community if people I had no clue even existed; that was only the beginning.

As I progressed through middle school, I began finding out about more identities, and the existence of things outside of the gender binary. Another thing that helped me along was someone I know coming out to me as genderfluid.

Around midway through 8th grade I came out as asexual to my friends. They were totally chill with it, and said it sort of made sense because of how I act when certain topics are mentioned.

Coming out as ace brought me moreso into the community, and I met a lot of people who identified in all different ways. A bit later in 8th grade I came out as queer, because I liked the looseness associated with it and didn't really enjoy calling myself ace anymore.

Once I became a bit more loose with my labels, I began to feel at ease. I started looking a bit more at how the people around me perceived me, and how I wanted to be perceived. This brings us back to rethinking my gender expression.

Throughout 8th grade I tried to keep my style as androgynous as possible. That's how I wanted to be seen, but I wasn't quite sure why. This resulted in lots of loose tank tops, baggy t-shirts, somewhat poorly fitting jeans, cargo shorts, and sneakers with crew socks.

And thus ends the middle school years.

Summer of 2017

July
At this point, I had already sort of established in my head that I wasn't straight. I know gender and sexuality are different, but it was me accepting my queer identity that helped me to figure out who I am.

I spent the first two weeks of July visiting my aunt who lives on the West Coast. It was amazing to see the Pacific Ocean up close. However, it was also on this trip I realized that I didn't really enjoy being introduced with ""This is my niece!"". I didn't want these people who had never met me to think of me as a girl.

During that two week period I started thinking about why it bothered me so much. That's when I started questioning my gender identity.
""Am I really a girl? What's being 'a girl' supposed to feel like?""

After we left the West Coast, my mind was still in a blur. I had started thinking, ""what if I'm not a girl?"" This thought stick with me for quite sometime. I decided to try using they/them pronouns for myself in addition she/her to see how it fit.

August
This is the time of the year when I go to summer camp. For me, summer camp is like my home away from home. It's where I can feel free to be myself, no matter what.

I've known some if the people at camp since I was 10 or even younger, so we've all seen each other at our best and worst.

I came out to one of my close friends at summer camp first. And how I'd I start this oh so interesting conversation?

""So, have you ever heard of the gender binary?""

I shit you not, that's how I started the conversation every, single, time at camp. I then had to explain what the gender binary was, and how I identify outside of it. Understanding something like that can be a bit difficult if you're not used to it, but they all tried their best.

At camp I told about 2/3 of my cabin mates that I wanted to also use they/them pronouns. The majority of them didn't really get it, but they were interested in learning, so I was happy.

High School
Right now I'm a freshman in high school. I was super excited back in September when I first walked through the doors. The first club I wanted to join was GSA. I didn't know much about it, but I wanted to meet other people who I could relate to.

For the first meeting I asked a few of my friends to come with me. I was really nervous and kept playing with my hair (it's a bad habit). Everyone had to go around and say their name and pronouns, so I ended up saying she or they were fine.

GSA became a sort of safe space for me. I was able to talk about however I was feeling, and nobody was judgy. That was sort of a first for me.

Fast forward to a few months into the school year. I've settled into my place in high school, and my mind has found other stuff to do than constantly worry about school. This meant my mind went back to everyone's perception of me. Most of my friends already knew I am non-binary at this point, and they're fine with it.

However, I started to realize how it was uncomfortable for me when the teachers called on me, and then later referred to me with ""she"". It didn't feel right. It was then I knew that I'm definitely not a girl. And then a few weeks ago, I decided to tell a few teachers.

Coming Out

Social Studies

The first teacher I decided to tell was my social studies teacher. She is also the one who teaches the Race and Identity course at our school, so I figured she would be understanding. After class one day, I went up to her desk with two of my friends behind me. I basically in a very nervous manner said ""Right now I'm in the process of switching from she/her pronouns to they/them, so if it isn't too much trouble would you mind using those for me?"" The next thing she did was smile. She said she would try her best, and she apologized in advance for if she slipped up. This development gave me the courage to also come out to one other teacher.

French

Next was my French teacher. She had a sticker from the local pride center on her door, and tried to be as inclusive as possible in such a gendered language. I brought it up to her by saying ""In English my preferred pronouns are they/them, so how would that translate into French?"" She said she wasn't sure if there was a gender neutral pronoun in French, but we could both do our research.

Mom

Finally, I also told my mom. My sibling, who has known since the day that first started questioning, was out of the house, and my dad was in another room watching Jeopardy. My mom and I were sitting at the kitchen table eating dinner. I was thinking to myself that it was now or never. I had accepted myself, di there was nothing left to lose.

For a bit of background, I do tech crew for productions at my school. Most of the people on tech are in some way sort of queer, wether it be gender or sexuality. There are also a few people on tech who use they/them pronouns, and my mom is conscious of that and tried to use them.

Anyways, I started the conversation by opening with mentioning the people on tech. I said that the reason why I know so much about LGBTQ type stuff, is because I identify that way. I told my mom hat I was like the people on tech, and want to be referred to with they/them pronouns.

My mom was quiet for a little bit. She then looked at me and said that she would love and accept me as whoever I am or turn out to be. What's most important to her is that I'm happy, and feel that I can live as myself. She won't however be using my pronouns, because that transition would be too difficult for her. I was sort of expecting that, but I was just happy when she said that she wants me to feel like I can be myself.

The Future
Coming out to my dad will be a different story, which will most likely happen in the distant future.

For now, I'm not quite sure what the future will hold. I think the first steps though are growing to accept who I am a bit more. I am really lucky to be in a situation like this. I'm accepted and loved, and I want other kids to be able to have that opportunity too.

I want to be able to make a change in the world, and I won't be able to that alone. I only got to where I am now with the help of all of those who have supported me up to this point.

I know everyone's story is different, but I hope one day you'll be able to tell your story with pride.