since no one replied to my question under the previous chapter about the preferred lenght, the chapters are going to vary - the last one was 4k, this one is almost 8k, and so on.

[selected entries from a journal of Katya Romanoff - Barnes, january 2019 - december 2019]

January 9th, 2019

Morgan's here. She's amazing, Pepper's doing fine too. It was the first time I'd seen Tony cry, he's so happy, I've given them a moment alone now, so I'm writing.

I got an update on Clint a few days ago. Rhodey says he's been in South America at least for the past few weeks, Columbia recently. I'm worried sick. I wish I could contact him at least, because there's no way Tony would let me go after him. But on the other hand, since he's been gone for so long and hasn't reached out, it's obvious he doesn't want contact. I just hope he's fine and wonder sometimes how it would've been if he stayed around and I ended up with him instead of Tony and Pepper. I don't know why I didn't do that sooner, but I asked Rhodey to look for Yelena and Melina too. He hadn't found anything yet. I expected that. They're spies, after all, they are supposed to be hard to find.

Anyway, I wish you could meet Morgan, I've known her for two hours but I feel like I would already go through fire for her. I guess that's how you felt about me. I get it now, and it's not even my kid. I'm so sorry for every time I got mad at you for trying to protect me. I miss you.

January 18th, 2019

My nightmares are back and getting worse. I woke everyone this time with my screaming before I woke up myself. Tony offered to talk about it. I refused, but I agreed to drink hot chocolate with Tony. I'm glad he doesn't push. I still see the same things. The Red Room, the beginning and the fall down, but I'm killing people I know. I don't know what I could do with this if there's any way to stop it. You would've known what to do. I miss you.

February 23rd, 2019

Today is my birthday. I'm officially fifteen. It's the first one in years without you, Mama. And I still can't believe I only got to spend one with you, Papa. It's unfair. I miss you more today if that's even possible. Tony and Pepper made sure this day was great for me, despite having their hands full with a baby, they're trying their best, I know it. But no matter how hard they try, they will never be you. The cake Pepper made me was amazing but I would trade it for a one you bought or tried to make and failed miserably. Does that make me ungrateful? I don't want to be, I really don't, and I am grateful for everything they did for me, but I just can't help these thoughts. I wish-

Sorry, Tony just came and gave me one more birthday gift. I would've never even thought about it and yet it's the best thing I could've gotten, aside from getting you back. I got your dog tags, Papa. The other pair from the war. Tony got Rhodey to help, he pulled some strings. It's gonna sound weird I feel like you're closer to me, like I've got a piece of you with me. I doubt I'll ever take them off. I miss you.

March 2nd, 2019

It keeps getting worse. My nightmares. This night I pushed Tony across the room in my fucking sleep. I couldn't wake up, he tried to help me and I just... He fell into a mirror and the sound of it breaking woke me up. He's fine, he just has a scratch on his back but I know it could've ended so much worse. I am so fucked up. I don't know why they keep me around, how do they trust me with Morgan? I'm not sure I even trust myself at this point. I asked Tony for some restraints, but he refused at first, then he gave me a condition. He'll think about it if I agree to talk. I did. We'll talk tomorrow, I'll tell him the truth about the three-year-old forced to kill because she didn't know better. I'll tell him about the Red Room, about Hydra. I wonder if I'll still be living here today. I won't tell him that the last time the person I was aiming at was Pepper. I miss you so much.

March 10th, 2019

Happy Birthday, Papa. Just like I did for Mama, I made cupcakes today and put a candle in one, although I didn't know which one would be your favorite. I made chocolate ones, everyone likes chocolate, right?

I talked with Tony last week, and told him the whole truth about me, I guess. I don't think I've ever seen him so pale. But he listened patiently, never interrupted, just asked some questions afterward. How much did he know about your past, Mama? Because he asked about you too and I think he just now starts to understand what you went through. What price you had paid to become who you were, Natasha he knew.

He agreed to make the restraints for me. I wonder what they will be made of. It would've all been so much easier if you were here. I miss you.

a few days earlier

"You ready to talk?" Tony asked, peeking inside Katya's room.

She sat crosslegged at the bed, a book in her hands. She bit her lips and let her gaze fall for a moment as she let out a sigh.

"I can't put that off forever, I guess." Katya shrugged, putting the book aside.

"If you want the restraints, no you can't," Tony said, plopping down onto an armchair in the corner. "Let's get this over with, shall we?"

"What about Pepper?" she glanced at the door as if she expected Potts to join them the very moment.

He shook his head. "She said it's our business and she doesn't want anything to do with chaining you to bed."

"What do you even want to know?"

"Everything you're willing to tell me."

Katya nodded, shifting her position on the bed slightly, trying to get as comfortable physically before the conversation became the complete opposite mentally. She took a moment to search for her earliest memory.

"When I was a baby, I was with this woman, her name was Melina. Officially she was my handler, but she just took care of me. I don't remember much from then, I was barely one but I remember when they came to take me away. The Red Room." Katya swallowed, her own wail echoing in her head. "I screamed for her, tried to free myself of the man who held me, but no one reacted. She didn't even look at me as they took me."

"Do you blame her?" Tony asked.

"I used to. But now I know she didn't have a choice."

The second oldest memory she has is similar, but this time it's James instead of Melina. She remembered him walking inside that small, dark room. She was cold but it didn't really bother her. She remembered tugging at his her and him smiling.

"Then they took me away and it's all a blur from there but it's my last memory of feeling pain ever. Melina did it for me."

"Because of her, you can't feel pain?"

Katya nods. "She knew what they had planned and wanted to make it easier."

The next few years all blend into a whole, merge together, she can't pinpoint any singular memory, just bits and flashes. The remarks and sneers of guards, all the names for her, Snezhinka being the most popular one. All the things they did to try her, to check if they 'taught her well'. Everything she let them do because she didn't know right from wrong. She had no concept of morality, not even of hurting someone, let alone what it meant to kill.

"One time they came for me at night. I was around three, I think. I was with Hydra at the time. I remember that one of the guards threw me across the corridor and the rest laughed. They said something about a three-point shot."

Katya glanced at Tony. His eyes were still, glued to something on her left. He seemed lost in thought, but he noticed her gaze. "I'm listening. Go on, kid. It's just a bit hard to comprehend."

"You tell me." she smiled sadly. "Do you remember Rumlow?"

Tony frowned at first but nodded soon, recalling the man. "He was one of Hydra's moles inside S.H.I.E.L.D., right?"

"He was also the one that threw me," Katya added. He shook his head in disbelief. "Then he told me to stand up, so I did. Told me to walk, so I did. They led me to another room, there was nothing but a man tied to a chair. I remember he was trembling so hard that the chair was squeaking. They were so amused." she made a pause, and let out a shaky breath, mindlessly tugging at her fingers. "When they handed me the gun, I took it. And when they told me to shoot..."

"You did." Tony finished for her, hearing the crack in her voice and seeing the first tear roll down her cheek. "You didn't know better. You had no idea what you were doing."

"But I did, didn't I? It's not about what I did or what I knew. It's about the fact that I still can hear that shot. That I can feel the warm splatter of blood on my face. But I can't remember that man's face. I keep seeing other people in his place. People I know, people I love. Usually my mom, or my dad. Once or twice it was Clint while his kids watched. Most recently it was you." she shrugged, letting out a dry chuckle. "But in that dream, I'm not that clueless toddler anymore. I'm myself. I'm aware, too aware of what I'm doing and I can't help it. I can't stop myself."

"But it's just dreams."

"No." Katya shakes her head. "It's memories. At least the ones with my mom."

She skims over the next few years. The running away with Natasha, while being transported from one prison to another, exchanged like a package. From Red Room's grasp to Hydra's. How safe she felt with Natasha even before she became mama. Then came the Bartons and for a few years it was good, it was better. She got rid of the nightmares after almost three years. When Hydra fell, they came back for another half a year. She mentioned Fury comforting her in the safehouse, despite him being barely alive. Tony couldn't quite believe it, it was hard imagining Nick comforting anyone.

Another year, another blur, nothing special aside from Katya's existence being revealed to the Avengers. Then came the Sokovia Accords and the Leipzeig fiasco. She talked about her fear, after the explosion, knowing that Natasha was there and waiting for a call or any other sign of life, while Laura tried her best to calm her down. Then about the fear and denial when it was announced that James or rather Winter Soldier was behind it.

Finally, Katya made it all the way to Norway and from there to the Red Room falldown. To reuniting with Yelena, with Melina, almost dying in the explosions, while being forced to hunt her own mother. She quoted Dreykov, even if she couldn't move, she heard his every word and remembered it.

"Yelena said that maybe one in twenty survived the training and became a Widow. The rest he killed. These girls, for all these years... To Dreykov they were nothing more than trash than he recycled. He claimed that he was giving them a new life. You know what he liked to call them?" she asked rhetorically and continued before Tony had a chance to think. "The only natural resource world has too much of. God, he didn't even spare his own daughter. She took my place, he turned her into what I was supposed to become."

Tony couldn't help it, but think about Morgan. His little girl. How many girls like her did that man put his paws on? How many had he tortured and killed, threw away like broken toys? When Katya was Morgan's age she was already being experimented on, it was all she knew. And Tony couldn't wrap his mind around it. How screwed up someone has to be to do things like that and be able to sleep at night? How could someone in his right mind believe they're doing something good?

And most importantly, how the Avengers, Earth's Mightiest heroes, ones that were supposed to protect the people, how could they let that slide? How S.H.I.E.L.D could've not noticed? All these years even after Romanoff defected, that organization remained untraceable. It wasn't a matter of a few girls per year. It was tens if not hundreds, for decades. How? How were they all so easily fooled? They should be ashamed. Instead of fighting themselves or rebelling androids, they should've focused on what was important. On people like Dreykov.

Because in the world of aliens and artificial intelligence, it was still people who remained its own worst enemy, and the most cruel to their own.

"When the whole facility collapsed, I was trapped under some rubble, I think I lost conciussnes for a while. Then I heard Mama calling me. And I knew something was wrong because the only thing in my head was a mission. Not mom, just mission." Katya continued, pulling Tony out of his thoughts. "For my dad, when he got hit in the head or something, usually this turned the programming off, cleared his mind. It did for mine too, but not for my body. I couldn't control it, it was like looking through someone else's eyes. Like being in a nightmare. And I knew I had to choose. I could finish my mission or finish myself. I tried to hold back, I fought against it. But it hurt to even speak, every move felt like my muscles were on fire."

"But you both survived," Tony said when Katya went quiet and wiped away some tears.

"She was willing to kill herself, so I wouldn't have to live with the blame. Like it would change anything." she scoffed and gave a shrug. "It would still be my fault if anything happened to her."

"So how did you get out of this?"

"Melina helped." Katya smiled. "I have trigger words too, like the Winter Soldier, the ones that Zemo used on him, remember?" Tony nodded. "And we both have an off switch. Word or a phrase that makes us lose consciousness for a while. Melina knew it as my former handler and she saved us both."

"And in your nightmares, you see that day too?"

She confirmed with a nod. "Most of the time I'm not strong enough to hold myself back and I shot her. Sometimes, she uses her Widow Bite and kills herself and all I can do is watch. And that's the whole story I guess. So, what about my restraints?"

Tony shook his head, surprised by the sudden change of subject. He knew that the smile on her face was forced and fake as if the reddened and puffy eyes weren't enough.

"I'll make them if you think they'll help you." he agreed. But there was something else, he hesitated and it didn't escape Katya's attention. "Can I ask you something?"

"One more thing won't hurt since I've said this much." she shrugged.

"It's not about you. It's about Natasha," he explains. Katya was surprised but encouraged him to continue. "How long was she there? Under Red Room's control?"

"I'm not sure."

She didn't know how old exactly Natasha was when she was first taken in. Natasha herself didn't remember that, she asked her about it before. She couldn't have been older than three when they took her. That left fifteen years till graduation and even after that, even when working for the KGB, she was still primally controlled by the Red Room until she defected in early 2008, so she was twenty-four by then. Katya didn't count out the three Natasha spent undercover in Ohio, when she got to be normal, since they were still controlled and Natasha was aware it was all a ruse. "Give or take twenty years. Why are you asking?"

Tony ignored Katya's question. "Was she mind controlled too?"

"Um, the chemical conditioning was introduced after she defected, so no one could ever escape again if that's what you mean."

He nodded and went quiet. After a moment, he clicked his tongue and got up, heading for the door. Wanting to take her mind off this subject as soon as possible, Katya grabbed the book she stopped reading before the talk, hoping it would help.

"Hey, Katya," Tony called out, turning around at the door and facing her again. "I don't know how much my words are worth in the face of all of that, but... I'm proud of you. You're stronger than most people I know. And so was Natasha."

March 27th, 2019

Sorry I haven't been writing that often lately, but the school's been crazy. I have a lot of rehearsals The B-Day is coming, it's what people are calling the anniversary of the Blip now, and the Blip is the name for Thanos' snap that erased half of the universe. I hate these names. Anyway, there's gonna be this huge assembly, and choir's got shit ton of work to do, I've scored two solos.

Morgan's growing so fast and her hair isn't red. It's dark brown. I think it's the first time my vision was wrong because I have no idea who that kid could be if not bigger Morgan. And apparently, she likes sea shanties. She was fussy the other day and Pepper came with her to the kitchen where I was making dinner and you know I like to sing when I cook. She quieted down immediately after an hour of crying.

I don't wanna jinx it but the nightmares are calming down too. Could that have been a psychological thing with the restraints? It's so weird.

I miss you.

April 15th, 2019

WHAT A BITCH. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. The B-Day and the assembly are in two days, we're doing the last preparations and we were asked to bring photos of people we've lost. The choir members will hold theirs and they want to put the rest on a wall as a background or something, I'm not sure. I could bring a whole stack but there was a limit of two per person, so I chose you two. Anyway, that's not the point. Today we had a rehearsal with the photos and that hag handed me some random people. And I'm like excuse where the hell are my parents? AND THEN she had the audacity to tell me I was lying like I don't literally have your last names. She even called Tony for confirmation and called me a liar again when I said he's my legal guardian. The look on her face when he picked up was priceless. Honestly, can one really make that stuff up? I've always thought it's too complicated.

Usually, I respect teachers, I really do, but when she finally understood that I was not lying I was this close to slapping her. She said that you're too controversial and it's better if I take other pictures. I'm not gonna hold a photo of someone's third cousin and great-uncle if I can hold my parents, like what the actual fuck is going on inside her head? I don't care if you're controversial to someone. You are my parents. My parents, that I lost and I don't care about anything else. So I threatened to miss the assembly if she doesn't let me and she has to, since there's no way she'll find a replacement for me in two days. Looks like I won, she can suspend me later if she wants to, I don't care.

I'm scared of the anniversary. I can't believe it's been a year without you. I feel like so much has changed but at the same time like it was yesterday, like I'm still in the same place I was then. I'm stuck. You have no idea how much I miss you.

April 28th, 2019

The cat's out of the bag when it comes to my last name and also me living with Tony. Some people heard my argument with the teacher before the assembly, and then Tony actually showed up and was in the audience, some people noticed him, he waved at me, and I had to wave back and since people talk, now I'm kind of popular but a freak at the same time. Like people asking me things, being so nice and sweet I can feel my teeth rot, and then the same people talk behind my back.

Yesterday I arm-wrestled like half of the boys in the school and won with each one, that was cool. But being called a freak since people started suspecting that my visions are not exactly seizures like I used to say, that's something I'll never get used to. It's different when I call myself a freak and when someone else does it. But I got invited to a party for the first time. It's next week, I think I'm gonna go. Wish you were here, Mama. You would've had so much fun helping me decide what to wear. And Papa would make fun of us. I miss you.

May 6th, 2019

There was a small gathering at school today. Just me, Tony, and the principal. But it wasn't my fault, I swear. Okay, I think I should start from the beginning.

It happened at the party, it was this weekend. I went outside for a moment and these three guys followed me. The usual stuff happened, the comments, the teasing, the freak and all. And then they decided to check 'how tough I really am'. First I just tried to talk them out of it, then I literally warned them. I told them that they had no chance, maybe if my hands were tied and I had a bag over my head. But not really, not even then. They tried anyway so I punched one, tripped the other and the third one slipped when running away and broke his arm. Like I said, not my fault, but they were bleeding, complained to their rich and snobby parents (is it hypocrisy from me, since I live under one roof with Tony Stark?) and there wasn't a scratch on me.

At first, I thought Tony would be mad when I heard they called him, but he just kept nodding and agreeing with the principal and when we left the school he asked me for a direct quote of what I said to these guys. And after I did, he started laughing, like almost hysterically. He high-fived me, said 'good job', and took me to get cheeseburgers. And I got suspended, no idea what I'm gonna do for the next three days.

I miss you.

June 12th, 2019

I'm staying up this night with Morgan. She's a bit sick, it's just a cold or something and been fussy all day. Pepper and Tony are exhausted so I offered. I don't mind, I don't need that much sleep anyway, school's almost over. And I like spending time with Morgan. She's the cutest kid. I mean Nate was cute too, but she wins this one by a mile. She's napping now, I can't move my legs or I'll wake her. I've been singing to her (Sea Shanties again, Drunken Sailor is her favorite), reading some books, and just making a complete idiot out of myself, just to keep her smiling and stop her from crying. It's 2 a.m., and I'm wondering when I'll run out of ideas. I wonder what you would've done for me if I was with you as a baby, what would've I liked? I miss you.

July 30th, 2019

Pepper's mother came for a visit. And honestly, I thought her parents were dead. I've never before heard her talk about them, not even a mention. Turns out I was half right, Pepper's father died when she was little and her mother was not much around, Pepper was basically raised by the uncle that Morgan's named after. Alright, no beating around a bush. The mother is terrible. I'm not surprised Pepper's not keeping in touch with her. Morgan is almost eight months old and she claims she came to meet her. Talk about being late.

No, but overall, she's just straight-out mean. Everything is wrong, she would do everything better, even the things she knows nothing about, I'm pretty sure she thinks she's smarter than Tony. And she didn't know about me till today and I offered to pretend I don't exist and just stay in my room the whole time. I would feel like Harry Potter, I've already got the orphan part down too. But Tony didn't let me.

First, I've never felt this judged in my life and I'm pretty sure she said something about 'taking strays in'. Then she wanted to talk about but it was supposed to be a family matter, meaning she wanted me to leave. And I even got up but Tony told me to stay. Then they started arguing, something that Tony's not her family too etc. and then Pepper told everyone to shut up, told her mother that I am family too and she can accept it or leave it. She took the latter. Good riddance.

So, summing it up, Helen Potts is the worst, Pepper basically called me her and Tony's kid and I feel adopted.

I miss you.

August 19th, 2019

I'll be teaching Morgan Russian. I've mentioned something about missing speaking Russian today over breakfast and Pepper said that I could talk to Morgan in Russian. She already wanted her to know two languages as soon as possible and although she thought about French or Italian, Russian would do. Any language is better than none or something like that and apparently, kids' brains at Morgan's age are like sponges so there's a big chance she still can learn it like she's learning to speak in English and stuff. It's so cool, it's gonna be like a secret language between us when she gets older since Pepper doesn't know it and Tony knows a few phrases at best.

September 20th, 2019

I was at the Compound today. I still haven't gone through all of our stuff from Wakanda and it's been a year. I'm portoning it out, so I can keep rediscovering memories longer. Is it dumb? There isn't much left, maybe two or three boxes and I'm genuinely scared. I don't want it to be over. I can't make new memories with you so I keep holding onto the old ones.

Okay, I have to change the subject or I'm gonna cry.

Rocket and Nebula came by (if you can come by a literal planet). They've spent a few days at the Compound. I think Tony and Nebula really became friends during these three weeks in space. I mean he almost hugged her and she didn't attack him. That says a lot when it comes to these two. And if someone told me two years I would be playing cards with a raccoon, I would've laughed. Yet here I am. And I lost. Twice. To a raccoon that claims he's not a raccoon. He's better at poker than me but still, Uno is his favorite. And we built a drone together. He says he forgot it but something tells me he left it for me on purpose. Rocket Raccoon is a softie inside that can also solve the Rubik's cube in five seconds.

Honestly, I'm scared of what he and Tony could build together if they were willing to because the only thing they do for now is tease and threaten each other. But put these two in a desert and I'm sure they will be self-sustainable and ready to start a civilization in a week. I don't know if it's more scary or amazing.

Anyway, it looks like I have a friend, even if he's not-a–raccoon. He's even contacting Tony through me. You would've liked him too. But I would be careful about your arm, Papa. Rocket's worse than a magpie. I miss you.

October 31st, 2019

It's Halloween. We're not really celebrating, hard to trick or treat without any neighbors, Morgan's too little, and I feel a bit too old already anyway, I'm not going to any party, but I used the occasion to dress Morgan up as a pirate, she's paying for all the time I spent singing shanties. Pepper wants to watch a movie later and I want to stuff myself with as much candy as I can.

I used to love Halloween and this year I don't really care. I remember this one year, I think I was ten and Laura took me, Lila, and Cooper, to go trick or treating in a neighborhood where there was more than one house per mile. You weren't there, Mama, you and Clint were on missions then but Laura took a ton of photos as always. Me and Lila dressed up as Elsa and Anna. She always called me Elsa ever since Frozen came out. We wanted to make Sven out of Cooper but he got mad at us. It was so fun, I went out so rarely then, but it was one of the best days ever. I miss you.

November 8th, 2019

I got into another fight with a teacher. But it's not my fault they're so stubborn and everything I say is a lie to them. Like an alien evaporated half of the population and there's absolutely no way that I fought in the Battle of Wakanda. No, no way, the most ridiculous thing you ever heard, right? I don't know about you but it makes more sense to me than having to evade bullets while in FREAKING SCHOOL. Yeah, there was a shooting, I think I forgot to mention that. The American dream, right? Hollywood, hamburgers, and bullets.

Also, I got arrested.

a few hours earlier

Katya stared at the clock, hoping to suddenly discover telekinetic powers in herself that would make the clock's hands go faster. The monotonic, quiet, and unclear voice of the social studies teacher, which wasn't much more than mumbling, made her more sleepy than she was when not sleeping for two nights, too absorbed in a five-book series she read in three days.

"Yes, Ryan?"

The sudden change in the voice's tone caused Katya to blink faster, finally shifting her gaze away from the clock and trying to understand when she stopped paying attention and what was the matter of discussion.

"Is it true that there was a raccoon fighting in Wakanda?"

A dry laugh of the teacher echoed through the classroom. A few classmates giggled too. "Don't be ridiculous. Where did you hear that?"

Ryan, sitting in front of Katya and to the left, shrugged. "I read it somewhere. So it's not true?"

"Of course, it's not true."

"Actually, it is true." Katya chimed in, irritated by the woman's attitude. "His name is Rocket. And he claims he's not a raccoon."

"Is it now, Miss Romanoff?" she questioned, slowly coming closer to her desk. Katya straightened her back and crossed her arms. Judging by her expression, she already knew this was about to get fun. It was a good thing that she was extremely bored. "Do you mind sharing your source? About that... Rocket?"

Katya frowned. "I lived in Wakanda while it happened. I'm the source."

"And you just want us to believe that?"

"I was literally there."

Out of the corner of her eye, Katya started to notice the other students turn to her, interested in how this would play out. Someone even took out their phone and most likely started recording.

"Oh, and did the fight take place in your backyard, since you saw that... raccoon?"

The woman pronounced the last word like it was the name of an extraterrestrial creature, not an animal you could see almost every night in every other backyard.

"No, I was there. I mean the battlefield."

Mrs. Reynold's eyebrows rose so high up they almost met her hairline before the woman burst out laughing. When the overexaggerated fit ended, she swayed her hand at Katya and turned around, walking away.

"That's a very good joke, but let's go back to the subject."

"I'm sorry, there've been multiple alien attacks on Earth in the past years, a literal demigod was an Avenger and one and a half years ago another alien wiped out half of the population but you can't believe that there was a raccoon fighting in Wakanda and that I fought next to him?"

Dead silence fell over the classroom for a moment, before clapping began. The rest of the students started applauding her. Frowning, confused Katya looked around. She wasn't really liked and didn't have many friends, but it looked like this time, she earned some respect. Or maybe the overall dislike for the pretentious teacher was just stronger.

"Quiet, right now!" Reynolds yelled, her eyes, squinted with anger, shot daggers at Katya. "And you, miss Avenger, will go to the principal's office."

She wanted to answer and already had a remark ready, but the words got stuck in her throat as suddenly instead of the classroom, she saw an empty hallway with a red smear on the floor, screams echoing through it. And not only scream. Something much louder.

Gunshots.

As unexpectedly as it came, the vision ended in the same way.

"There's going to be a shooting."

Normally Katya wouldn't be sure when exactly is it going to happen, but this time she caught a glimpse of a calendar with November 7th marked on it.

Mrs. Reynolds scoffed and shook her hand. "That's enough, young lady. Principal's office. Now."

"But I'm serious!" she looked around the classroom. Someone must've noticed her eyes. Feeling the warm trickle of blood coming from her nose, she quickly wiped it and stood up before the teacher managed to grab her arm and force her up. "Alright, I'm going."

"And don't try to trick me." the woman warned. "I'll know."

Katya walked out of the classroom, heading for the stairs as the office was on a lower floor. She stooped behind a corner to calm down. There was no way she could convince that stubborn woman. With another teacher, she would've had a chance, especially if it was the English one. She was an Avengers fan and didn't even try to hide it.

Trying to recall the vision and remember which exact corridor she saw, Katya continued walking but was much more vigilant. It was likely that the shooter was already inside. Was it smart to try to take on a shooter alone? Not really. But she had a much bigger chance of surviving than any other student would have. And after all, she spat Thanos himself in the face. What was one guy with a gun for her?

Then she heard the first gunshot. Swearing under her breath, she took off running in the direction of the sound, trying to stay as quiet as possible. After running down the stairs, taking two or three steps at once, she stopped around another corner, peeking from behind it to check the corridor. Oh no.

No shooter, but there was someone on the floor. And it was the hall she saw. She approached the figure. It was a girl, she didn't know her. The petite blonde yelped when she came closer, crouching next to her. Katya put a hand over her mouth and a finger to her lips, suggesting to keep quiet. She noticed a growing red spot on the girl's arm. Immediately, she took off her shirt and ripped it in half. She wrapped one part tightly above the wound and used the other to cover the wound itself.

"Can you stand?" Katya whispered. The girl nodded weakly.

Katya helped her up. The girl was swaying and getting pale. Looking around, Katya located the nearest classroom and led the girl to the door. "Go in there, you didn't see me."

After making sure the blonde was inside, Katya took off in further search of the shooter. She tried to recall where the nearest alarms were when she saw the bathroom door move. The shooter or another student in the wrong place at the wrong time?

Quietly, she pushed the door open and stepped inside. She didn't hear or see anything and the shooter wouldn't hide. Using the empty space and knowing that someone would have to take the shooting moron away, Katya reached for her phone. After dialing an emergency number, she informed, as quickly and quietly as she could, about the active shooter and that there already were wounded. She omitted the part that she was a student who under no condition should be wandering the halls. Then she left the bathroom, just when another shot sounded through the corridors.

"Where are you, fucker?" Katya mumbled, finally noticing the alarm. Not bothering with the small hammer meant for breaking the glass, she hit it with her fist, the glass shattering, a few pieces getting stuck in her skin. She pulled the handle down and moved on as the deafening ringing filled the building.

Another gunshot, followed by two more and glass breaking. Praying, this didn't mean they shot through the window in the door, Katya once again started running, hoping that the alarm would drown out the sound of her footsteps.

She already circled the lower floor, when she heard a door slam. On her left. There were no classrooms there. Only offices and storage. Taking a few seconds to decide, she picked the storage. Inside was a boy, a bit older than her, most likely a senior.

"I'm not the shooter," she explained quietly, opening her arms to show that she had nothing on herself. "Stay here, be quiet, block the door," Katya said already backing out, and heading for the stairs since she didn't find anyone downstairs.

Another shot. And a scream. Much closer. Jumping over the last five steps, she raced through the corridor, stopping abruptly when she noticed a teacher embracing someone, a red-headed girl. It was the nice English teacher. Her eyes widened when she noticed Katya. She shook her head, peeking out from behind the wall.

There they were. Dressed in black, with a hood over their head and their face covered with a bandana and a rifle in their hands. Sick bastard. In the world of aliens, titans, and mad scientists, it was still people like that who scared and disgusted her the most. Ones that take a firearm and decide to go inside a building full of innocent kids. All of the places in the world, why schools?

Katya waved at the teacher and the girl, frozen in fear, asking them to come closer. Miss Jackson's eyes didn't leave her face as she motioned to the figure at the end of the hall. They were too scared to move. So Katya did what she had to. As fast as she could, she crossed the distance between her and the pair in the corner and pushed them to the other side. They stumbled, falling to the ground with the force of the push but at least out of sight and out of the line of fire.

But the thud caught the shooter's attention, making them freeze with a hand on the door handle leading to the classroom Katya left a few minutes before.

"Hey, asshole!" she called out. She caught them by surprise. For sure they didn't expect anyone to approach them so suddenly, so confident. Katya noticed their hands were shaking, they had trouble grasping the rifle as she came closer.

They managed to shoot once, the bullet barely grazing her arm as she continued walking completely unbothered. It crossed her mind that if Mama would surely roll over in her grave if she saw that and if she had a grave and a body left to roll.

She caught the rifle, easily ripping it out from the shooter's hands and then striking the first blow. The impact of Katya's fist meeting the left side of their face, made them fall down. Katya reached down to tear off the hood and the bandana.

She scoffed in disbelief, recognizing the face. His name was Lucas. They had maths together. She couldn't help but hit him again, this time with a satisfying crunch of a breaking nose. Then Katya pulled him up by his hoodie, kicking the rifle away so he wouldn't get any ideas. She led him through the corridor, not bothered by his tries to free himself and all the names he called her. The only thing that got him was a stronger hold on his arms. They reached the top of the stairs when she saw the police dressed in heavy gear.

"Freeze!" they called out, circling them, weapons aimed. "Get on the ground!"

Katya pushed Lucas down the last two steps and he tripped, landing flat on his face. He didn't get a chance to get up, as a policeman approached him. But it was only one. The rest didn't stand down.

"Get on the ground, hands behind your back!"

Then Katya realized they were aiming at her. They thought she was the shooter.

"I'm not the shooter! He is!" another policeman repeated the orders while the first one approached her and pushed her to the ground. "Look at him! It's not me! I called you!"

The police forces remained deaf to her protests, even when she told them where the gun was and suggested checking 'the goddamn cameras'. How could they take her for a shooter? Dressed in freaking skinny jeans and a tank top, with blood on her knuckles and a wound on her arm while the other guy was dressed all in black and still had the bandana, only now around his neck?

Nothing worked, they only ordered her to stay quiet as they pushed her inside the police car and warned that everything she said might be used against her. It took reaching the station, being questioned there and Tony arguing with the officers, threatening them after they called him in, as Katya's legal guardian, him not believing in her fault for even a split second, until they finally checked the school monitoring and realized that all this time, she was telling the truth.

"You're free to go." the officer sat, unlocking the handcuffs that were supposed to keep Katya at the table. She scoffed, standing up and leaving through the door another man held open for her, without another word.

"We're sorry for the misunderstanding Mr. Stark but it was a very stressful situation for all of us-"

"Stressful, my ass, you incompetent-" Tony yelled. "It was stressful for the girl you locked up, not for you who are supposed to be professionals! She was shot for-"

"Tony," Katya called out to him, interrupting him and getting his attention. To her surprise, he immediately turned to her and crossed the lobby, embracing her.

"You good, kid?"

She nodded. "Can we just get out of here?"

"And your superiors will hear about it!" he added when they were already walking through the door.

So first I was a liar, Miss wanna-be-Avenger, then I was the shooter and finally, I was the hero. Today they literally applauded me when I walked into the class. Turns out I most likely saved that shot girl's life. Her name is Gwen and her parents even got me flowers. There was also an assembly, they made me stand in the middle of the gym for 15 minutes while the principal talked about safety and my bravery. Hypocrites. And the best thing is they suspended me anyway because 'we disapprove of this kind of behavior that despite being an example of great bravery, remains reckless and in a different scenario could end much worse.' And it was all on TV. Am I famous? At least now they believe me. And my favorite teacher got suspended too, for letting me out of the class alone. Good riddance.

I miss you. I wonder how you would have handled the police.

November 22nd, 2019

Morgan's walking!!!

December 3rd, 2019

Happy Birthday, Mama. I wish I could celebrate it with you. I made the cupcakes again and blew the candle for you.

It's been snowing the whole day, I went on a walk with Pepper and Morgan earlier and she said her first word today. It was my name!! Well not exactly, it sounded more like Kaya than Katya, but still, I feel special.

Also, I remembered the day you taught me to ice skate. When Clint made the impromptu rink near the house, it was in 2011 I think. I was seven and finally starting to feel normal. I've finally learned to let go. I think I'm gonna ask Tony about making something similar later. Talk of the devil, he's calling me, I think he's taking out Christmas decorations. I would've never in my life guessed that he's the total opposite of Grinch. He won't admit it, but he loves Christmas. I gotta go before he decides to put the lights outside using the suit. It ended badly last year. Pepper wanted to kill us, but it was worth it. I miss you.

December 25th, 2019

Happy Christmas, Mama. Happy Christmas, Papa. I hope you have a good one too. I miss you.