march 2017

A small log engulfed in flames cracked, sending a bunch of sparks into the night sky. The crackling of fire and chirping of crickets were the only sounds in the otherwise quiet forest. Not even the rustle of trees. The night was completely windless. As if even nature itself was curious.

"You shouldn't be here," James said, glaring at the flames.

"We've talked about this," Natasha replied. She sat by his side, looking at his side profile, illuminated by the fire.

"Go home, you should be with Katya."

"She's a big girl, she'll be fine for one night."

"I won't let you hurt anyone." Ayo reminded. She stood a few feet away, giving them an illusion of privacy but they knew she was keeping watch.

"And I can take care of myself." Natasha smiled softly at him, but he didn't react, eyes still fixed on the bonfire.

It took a long discussion, that by miracle only didn't turn into a fight, to convince James to let Natasha go with him, to put him and Shuri's work to one last test. This time using the trigger words. He visibly tensed up each time it was as much as mentioned, so the sole suggestion of Natasha accompanying him was met with a firm no.

Shuri and some of the medical staff that had taken care of James for the past few days believed that having someone he trusted, loved even near could be beneficial, but the fear and sudden doubts that grew with each moment that day came closer, took over his mind, clouding his judgment. He didn't want to hurt anyone, ever again. Not even by accident. Repeated assurance that whoever would go with him would be safe didn't do much. At the same time, James wanted Natasha near, no other person came close to the amount of comfort his Natalia could bring him, even in the darkest of places. But if he hurt her, he believed there would be no more comfort for him. Not only there wouldn't be someone who could grant it to him, but he wouldn't be worthy of it anymore.

And seeing him now, observing his expression and body language, Natasha was taken back to Bucharest, the night after they were reunited. When she woke him up from a nightmare and he almost strangled her to death, sleep blurring the line between him and the Soldier. How looked like a child, not a grown man, how he squeezed himself into the corner of the room, trying to blend into the wall, so ashamed and terrified of himself. Now he looked the same, only the Wakandan wilderness offered him no place to hide. Natasha suspected that it also was common sense, that even buried deep under all the fear and anxiety, made him realize it was inevitable. And could be a start to a new chapter. A clean slate.

"Begin," Ayo instructed. The head of her spear clutched in her hand, pointing at the starry sky, reflected the flames.

Natasha nodded and reached for James' hand to squeeze it reassuringly one more time. Once again, no reaction from him.

"Zhelaniye."

She felt terrible saying the first word. She knew she could've given that work to someone who wouldn't care, for sure not as much as she would. But a part of her felt like it was the right way. There was no chance in the world that he would ever associate these words with something good, but this was a turning page. Natasha was the one to help him out of hell. The first person in decades who extended a hand to him, for him to hold, not to slap him. The first one to give him hope of any kind. She became his light in the darkness, his lighthouse that led him out and kept him from sinking.

So she was also the one to lead him to the shore. To the end of that nightmare of a journey.

"Rhzhavyy."

James clenched his fist, knuckles going white from the force of it.

"Semnadtsat'"

"It's not gonna work."

Natasha had to force herself not to close her eyes, to not look away as she noticed his chin starting to quiver.

"Rassvet. Pech'. Devyat."

Half way done. His shoulders kept slumping more and more, as he leaned forward, muscles tensing, awaiting what for years was inevitable.

"Dobroserdechnyy. Vozvrashcheniye na rodinu. Odin."

For the first time since she had started, James moved and looked at her, a silent plea in his eyes, that glimmered with tears, jaw tense in a failed attempt to stop it from shaking.

"Tovarnyy vagon."

She said the last one looking him in the eyes, seeing the stray tear roll down his cheek, a twin to the one on her face. He looked at her, not sure what was going on, still waiting for the Soldier to take control.

But the soldier wasn't there to pull on his strings anymore.

"You're free." Ayo announced and repeated it when James looked at her, in search of confirmation. After that she stepped back, into the trees, disappearing into the shadows.

"It's over." Natasha smiled, when he turned back to her, tears now streaming down his face with full force. "You're free. It's okay, you're okay." She took his face in her hands, thumb stroking his cheek.

She kept repeating the same phrases over and over again. He leaned into her, hiding his face in the crook of her neck, letting himself sob, as his whole body shook. He was letting go of seventy years of horrors he wouldn't wish upon his worst enemy. He knew it didn't wipe out everything he had done. That couldn't be undone. But it would never happen again. No one would control him ever again. He had his life back in his own hands, he was the master of his own fate and no one could ever take it away from him. All this time Natasha kept him close, one arm wrapped around his neck, the other stroking his back, her cheeks also covered in tears she didn't try to hold back anymore.

"Thank you." he murmured into her neck. She didn't ask what for. He could say whatever he wanted to. He was free.

James thanked her again and again, repeating the words like a prayer, even if after a few times they were barely understandable. He thanked for all these years together and apart. For everything that led to this moment. Everything she did for him. For her sole existence that kept him going when he thought he had no more will in himself. The awareness that she was somewhere out there, alive, with his, no, their daughter near, that was his lifeline.

He wouldn't be there without her.

⧗

Katya's head jerked up, eyes widened and eyebrows raised when the door lock clicked, the sound announcing that James had come back home. He went to visit the farm he was supposed to start working on soon.

"Already?!" the girl whisper-shouted, freezing with a piping bag in her hand, held inches above the cake. She looked at Natasha with panic written all over her face. "Do something!"

"Like what?"

There was only one narrow wall separating the kitchen and the main door in their new house that T'Challa promised them in the beginning, and if James walked in, then the whole surprise would be ruined. Katya came up with the idea a few days after he got out of cryo, realizing that the nearing birthday would be his hundred on paper, and the first one in decades he could actually celebrate. She wasn't sure if he would want to, so she went to Natasha for insight, who didn't have any better idea. James she knew wasn't big on birthdays but that was before, when he wasn't even sure when it was. Now it was all different. And given that Katya was a huge fan of any celebration, whether holidays or birthdays, Natasha told her to go for it. And like that they ended up in the kitchen, the girl finishing off the cake while Natasha kept her company.

"Distract him!" Katya suggested, going back to icing the birthday cake, her pace much quickened in comparison to before. "No, not like that! Mama, gross!"

"Relax, I know what I'm doing." Natasha swayed her hand at the girl, snorting at her expression while pulling the blouse a little bit lower and ruffling her hair to add a bit of velocity before going out of the kitchen and joining James in the entryway.

Finishing the icing, Katya muttered a swear word when a bit of the cream fell on the floor. She bent to clean it and when looking at the cake again, she realized how crooked the last part was. And she definitely did not have time to scrape it off and start again. Hoping no one would notice, she looked around the kitchen in search of number-shaped candles.

Which were nowhere to be found. Katya knew she bought them earlier, she went to the store, especially for them, and remembered putting them on the counter next to the sink. When she didn't find anything on the counters, she started checking drawers and cabinets. Nothing. She even checked the trash, briefly forgetting that it would make them unusable.

Screwing her eyes shut and clenching her fists to help herself to stay quiet instead of starting yelling, she glanced at the leftover candles from her and Mama's birthday.

There was a lot, they came in a huge pack but for sure there wasn't a hundred like she needed. Fifty at best, maybe a few more. Cursing the time shortage, she got to work. After joining the candles with the little stands so the wax wouldn't drop on the cake, she stuck them in, lining some so it would look like a hundred, and placing the other around completely random. When she was finished, she was convinced this must have been some kind of a record for most candles placed in under three minutes.

Yet the fun was about to begin when she grasped a lighter and started to light up each tiny wick, hoping that together they wouldn't create a fire hazard.

"I'm done!" she yelled, while lighting up the last candle, still surprised that the whole thing hadn't caught on fire yet, although she probably burned herself once or twice, wasn't sure yet. She would have to check her hands later for any blisters.

"Done with what?" James asked as Natasha pushed him gently.

"Happy Birthday, Papa." Katya grinned, as they walked inside the kitchen. She managed to cover a window for a better effect, the candles illuminating the space with a warm, flickering light.

His jaw dropped in surprise, preceding a giant smile. He shook his head in disbelief as he came closer. Natasha stayed a step behind, smirking.

"I hope there's some cake under all these candles." he joked, glancing at Katya and then at Natasha, who gave a small shrug.

"There may not be if you don't blow them off soon." the girl grimaced an image of a burning cake still in the back of her mind.

It took a few tries to put out all the flames. "This has to be my first birthday cake since I was like sixteen or something." he guessed, scratching his neck, suddenly feeling a bit embarrassed for some reason.

"Did you make a wish?" Katya asked taking out plates and handing them to Natasha.

"Nah, I think I'm good for now. Don't wanna be greedy" he said, tilting his head and looping his arm around Natasha's waist to pull her closer. She scrunched her nose when he placed a kiss on her temple. Then he reached for Katya, embracing her in a hug, and kissed the top of her head. "I have everything I need right here." 

I love my comic references