33 seconds later, Luigi and TC #1 stood out on a tiny stone balcony on the side of the mansion.
A lonely wind howled in the air.
TC #1 scratched his unspecified body part.
"Well this sucks," Luigi said at last.
"Well exCUUUUUSE me Luigi! Not everyone can appreciate a tiny destitute balcony!"
Mappy gulped. "Uh Oh. I'm feeling the need to learn them things again."

Author: *sigh* Alright, alright, for this I can make an exception.

Learning with Mappy

des·ti·tute
/ˈdestəˌt(y)o͞ot/
adjective
without the basic necessities of life.

Author: It turns out this is going to in fact be very educational for you all!

Mansion: I don't know about this. Trying to squeeze education into Luigi's Mansion is like trying to squeeze lemons into the ocean.

Author: ??

Mansion: It's going to be very sucky lemonade.

"On closer inspection, that adjective doesn't really seem to fit this balcony," Mappy said.
Luigi peered over the edge. "I don't know, I think it does. Hey, is that a graveyard??"
"So what if it is?" TC #1 asked.
"Well I'm just saying! You dragged me out here to look at dead people?"
"Maybe I find solace with dead people!" He replied defensively. "You got a problem with that?"
"No... I'm just saying it's a waste of time!" Luigi replied.
"Says the guy who was playing dress-up when his brother is in mortal danger." TC#1 crossed his arms.
"There's nothing fake about the corset," Luigi grunted, exhaling while a string snapped on the front.
TC#1 smirked at the audience.
"And this was not by choice I might add!" Luigi said, reaching desperately for the ties in the back.
The toad had no obvious interest in helping. "So what exactly are you actually doing here?" He wanted to know.
"Saving Mario by catching ghosts, obviously," Luigi replied, tearing off his grass skirt and chucking it over the railing.
"Oh. Right. Because that was very obvious right away."
"At least I'm not sitting in a corner crying uselessly," he defended.
"Hey! I already came out here and tried to find Mario," the toad said. "I looked everywhere! Where is he?"
"If you had looked everywhere," Luigi tossed aside some necklaces, "we would already know where he is, wouldn't we??"
TC #1 frowned. "Hey, this isn't about me!"
Mappy spoke up. "To be frank, I don't know WHO this is about, since we're already three rooms in and Luigi hasn't caught a single ghost yet."
"Hey, don't judge! I'm just incredibly gifted," Luigi replied.
"At any rate, we need to get back inside," Mappy said. "That's where the dead people are, not out here underground."
TC #1 snorted. "Fine. I'll just be here with my dead people, where nothing interesting ever happens!"
"Seriously?? You're not going to help either??" Luigi grunted, trying to tug off an enormous cowboy boot. It suddenly gave and went flying over the railing, sailed through the air and crashed right through a large window on a nearby mansion wall.
They stared as glass shattered, the mansion shook, and a lady screamed at the top of her voice.
"Oops," Luigi stated.
"At least you don't have to pay for the repairs," Mappy said.
The toad shrugged and turned away. "Welp, Luigi, have fun inside."

2 minutes later, Luigi stumbled back into the foyer, still struggling out of his various costume parts. Kicking a pink wig over the railing, it landed on Toad's head below, making him look sort of like the guy who sang Boogie Wonderland.
"Whoo-hoo! My prayers have been answered!!" Toad cheered.
Anyway, using a key whose acquisition I did not describe to you, Luigi planned to move on into another door up on the foyer balcony.
But of course, as I'm sure you know, plans are made to be ruined.
MEEMAWMEEMAWMEEMAW!!!
"AAHAHHHAAAaaaahh!! What in Newton's nickers is that obnoxious sound??!" Luigi shrieked obnoxiously. "It's coming from... MY PANTS?!"
"That would be the gameboy," Mappy said blandly.
"What's with the ringtone? That thing sounds worse than my high school alarm!"
"Well of course. You didn't think E. Gadd would install something pleasant, did you?"
Cursing to himself, Luigi put the Game Boy Horror to his ear.
"Yeeeeello!"
"Luigi, don't ever answer like that again," E. Gadd's voice scolded. "And take the camera off your ear, this thing does video calls, remember? Sheesh!"
Feeling very much like a first grader, Luigi did as he was asked. He was greeted onscreen by the wonderfully terrifying sight of E. Gadd.
"Can I help you??"
The professor ignored him. (There he goes again!!) "Actually, Looshy, I was calling to help you," he said. "Hold up a sec. I sense some very strong ghosts ahead."
"You sense?" Luigi repeated. "With what sensory organ?"
"The Force," E. Gadd replied with a wave of his hand. "I'm a Jedi in my free time."
Luigi looked skeptical. "Are you sure you're not... oh, I don't know, a Sith Lord??"
E. Gadd ignored that question. "I sense something... and I think... it must be some of those escaped gallery ghosts!"
"Portrait ghosts," Luigi corrected. "At least... that's what it says... in the manual." Under the professor's terrifying evil glare, he fell silent.
"You can't capture these ghosts by normal means, because they don't show their hearts very easily," he went on. "Nope, not at all."
"Neither do you," Luigi grumbled under his breath.

Author: Solid burn, Luigi!

"Yep, you're going to have to be clever to figure out how to capture them," E. Gadd was saying, blissfully ignorant. "Which, well — good luck with that!"

Author: Solid burn, returned.

"Hey!" Luigi shouted. "I'm clever! Very very clever! So clever, I'm going to —
And then the screen went black.
"Oh my. Looks like he accidentally hung up," E. Gadd said to himself, sipping tea at his desk back in the lab. "Well, guess it's time to get back to my tv!"
On the opposite end, Luigi fumed at the gameboy. "I forgot all about this thing," he muttered. "You know what I'm gonna do??"
"Get a head transplant?" Mappy suggested.
"Carry the GBH around in my hand for the entire night and pretend to scan stuff with it!"
"Or that. That's a perfectly reasonable thing to do," Mappy amended.
(I'm not making this up... I swear that thing never leaves Luigi's hand!)
So, with this new resolve, Luigi marched ahead into the waiting door. It was a long, dead-end hallway.
"Oh no," Luigi immediately froze up. "Not a long dead-end hallway! This is the stuff of horror movies!!"
...
...

Author: Psst! Hey! Where's the special effects??

Ghost: Oh, uh...

On cue, a random, half-identifiable pig carcass fell from a hole in the ceiling, spewing guts as high-pitched shrieks echoed in and out among the cracks which were suddenly in the walls —
Luigi turned white as sour cream and hit the floor, falling into a terror-induced horror coma.

Author: That's NOT what I meant!

Ghost: Oops, uh... Wait, what special effects were we supposed to do?

Ghost #2: I think it's the one with the human remains and the glowing eyes that peek out from the spiderwebs.

Author: Guys, I know you're still burned up about being rejected for Resident Evil, but this game is rated E.

Ghost: Oh, fine.

*RETAKE*
On cue, a ghostly wind flowed through the secluded hall, blasting Luigi in the face. A voice whispered forward a greeting: "Welcome to the West Wing...!"
Luigi gasped. "The West Wing?? The West Wing! Mappy, we've found the West Wing!"
"So??"
"Now I can do my movie impression of wandering through a dilapidated castle until I come upon a magical levitating rose!"
Mappy growled. "Can somebody slap him for me?"
A hand reached out and slapped Luigi on the back of the head.
"Ahh-!"
Mappy relaxed. "Thanks."
"WHAT WAS THAT??" Luigi shrieked, spinning around with his Gameboy for protection. "Look out, I've got a gameboy and I'm not afraid to use it!" He warned.
"Said all the Nintendo nerds of the 90s."
"WHO SAID THAT??!"
"Neville, don't be ridiculous," a lady's voice joined in. "You know everyone was playing the N64 at that time."
"Yeah... including ME!" The voice, said Neville, answered crossly. "I was playing Eatsa Pizza on that blasted, bloody controller until it killed me!"
"Eatsa Pizza?" Mappy asked in confusion.
Luigi's eyes popped. "I LOVED Eatsa Pizza!" He cried.
All at once a pair of ghosts appeared before them in the hallway. Unlike the others (which you might remember as shapeless monsters), these were quite humanesque (meaning they were probably shapely monsters). They were a couple in pink and blue bathrobes that flowed like they had minds of their own, and — oh, wait a second. They can't be people, because they're flying mermaids. Nevermind.
Luigi shrieked. "GHOST MERMAIDS!!"
The blonde lady crossed her arms. "We're not mermaids, cretin!" She scolded. "We're ghosts — and you're trespassing in our home!"
"Excuse me?" Luigi asked indignantly. "I believe you gave up property rights when you died!"
"It's not in my will," the lady retorted.
"I didn't even write a will because I died playing Eatsa Pizza!" The man, Neville, spoke up.
"WE ALL DIED PLAYING EATSA PIZZA!" She hollered back at him. "The controllers were murder!"
"Hey, don't badmouth the N64 like that!" Luigi defended.
The lady turned on him. "Shut your face, buster, or I'll give it a makeover!"
Luigi shut his face.
For you poor souls who need clarification, THIS is the miracle called Eatsa Pizza.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

"It was the most beautiful thing to ever grace this planet," Neville went on. "I played it until my hands were practically finished. But it was designed with a fatal flaw; and that was the cursed controllers! They would make mincemeat of your hands, to put it lightly — and the game was so beguiling! Try as I might, I could never stop — and thus I played myself to death."
Luigi stood in amazement. "Wow. I'm sorry."
The mermaid ghost lady, who was probably Neville's wife, went on. "After his unfortunate death I tried to avenge him by beating the game without falling prey to its wiles. But I, and my children after me, were all unsuccessful. And this is what has become of us."
Mappy snorted. "Wow. That is the most pathetic, sad and nerdy demise I've ever heard."
The woman, whose name was Lydia, glared at Luigi. "If you don't like it, we can laugh over your death," she said threateningly.
Luigi took it all in stride. "But I haven't died yet," he said.
It might have gotten really gory just then if it wasn't for two identical little ghost boys busting out of a nearby door. Riding on backwards-facing stick horses like it was an indoor round of quidditch, they zoomed over to the group and hovered there with idiot grins on their faces. One chewed a piece of hay, and they both wore overly-big overalls with ten gallon hats.
Lydia stared at them in horror. "Boys! What happened to your vests??"
"We hated our vests. So we burned them in the graveyard," One spoke up, using the most obnoxious hillbilly accent you can imagine.

Luigi: Hey! Does this mean it's time for Butch Mario and —

Author: Shut your face, buster, or I'll give it a makeover.

Luigi: *shuts face*

Author: Also, I would like to say for all hillbillies reading this: I AM a hillbilly. So don't get offended. I live in the woods.
Anyway.

Lydia blinked at the children. "Boys... you are aware it isn't 1839 anymore, right?" She asked.
"MAW!! You know how I hate them numbers!!" One yelled.
"Who keeps track of years anymore anyway?"
"Yeah, right?" Luigi agreed suddenly. "I mean, I've been going for decades and I think I haven't aged but a day."
The boys and their mother all turned to stare at him. It might have been intimidating (well, who WOULDNT be intimidated by a ghost mermaid and her hillbilly twins?) except that the mermaid dad, Neville, was just floating off to the side picking his nose like it was still the Gold Rush.
Mappy squirmed in Luigi's pocket.
"Who's the farmer with the funky backpack?" One twin, Henry, asked.
"Hey mister, did ye forget to harvest that potato on your face?" The other, Orville, snickered.
"Boys!" Lydia scolded. "You don't speak to your elders that way!"
"But maw, we were born way before he was!!" Henry argued.
"And besides, he's a dumb mortal!" Orville added.
Lydia paused thoughtfully. "Oh... well, I guess that's true." Stopping to look at Luigi more closely, she widened her green, soulless eyes suddenly and gasped. "You threw a cowboy boot through my window!!"
"No I didn't!!" Luigi lied.
Lydia held up a sparkly cowboy boot that was scratched with shards of glass. "Then explain this!"
"An expensive chandelier fell on top of a cowboy who was passing through your room and he was decimated, while the boot flew into your closet. Sadly it was the only part of him that survived."
Lydia blinked at him.
Luigi blinked back.
Neville jolted up. "Hey you! No blinking at my wife!"

Author: Oh, good. She is his wife after all.

Mansion: You weren't sure??

Author: I don't know, I'm making this up as I go along.

"That's not an explanation," Lydia said, dropping the boot to the floor.
Luigi shrugged. "You asked for it."
"THATS IT!!" Without much warning Lydia grabbed Luigi's collar and began to throttle him.
"Well that escalated fast," remarked Neville, pulling out a novel in boredom.

E. Gadd: Alright! Now the excitement really gets going!

Author: Aren't you supposed to be binging old 90s shows??

E. Gadd: That's classified.

"I knew you threw that boot in my window! Do you have any idea what that's going to cost me in repairs??" Lydia continued to throttle Luigi.
"Ooh, Maw's gone savage again!" Orville whispered to his twin.
Henry picked up the cowboy boot which is having far more relevance than I originally promised it. "Hey! This feller's a hillbilly too!"
"MAW DONT KILL 'IM!"
Lydia paused and gave the boys a look, leaving Luigi heaving like he'd just thrown up an entire roast chicken.
"What are you doing out here in the first place?" She asked the kids in disapproval. "You weren't supposed to show yourselves until Area 3!"
"The author said we could be here because she don't give a hoot about compliance!" Henry whined.
Then Luigi threw up an entire roast chicken.
"Sorry, that was my lunch," he groaned.
Everyone blinked at him.
"What's Area 3, are there asteroids there?" he asked. "Are we going to space after all like the author promised??"

Author: Luigi! Lydia! Don't make me call the secret security again.

Luigi: What do you mean 'again'?

Author: Hehehe...

Henry tilted his hat and held on to his broom. "Well, Maw, if ye DO kill im, make sure we git to play with him afterwards!"
Luigi made a face that was hard to describe, but it looked kind of like this:

"I have to go to the bathroom," he stated.
Lydia frowned at him.
"Mortals are so disgusting," she hissed at him. "I'm only letting you live because my sons are in a funk right now, buster, you hear? Now if you so much as TOUCH my priceless jewel collection, I'm going to rearrange your face."
Luigi turned to Neville, who was reading a book he'd found in his nonexistent pants and wasn't paying attention anyway. "Wonderful woman you've found here," he commented.
Neville looked up. "Would you nincompoops be quiet? I'm about to find out how exactly the masked bandit managed to kill his accomplice with only a spoon and an empty soda bottle!"
"Wonderful read you've found there," Luigi apologized. Turning to Lydia, who was about to disintegrate him with her soulless green eyes, he added, "I'll happily be on my way ma'am."
"Then go," she growled.
Luigi cleared his throat, glanced around, and swung his feet awkwardly. "Sure... could you maybe just, put me down?" he asked from where she held him by the collar two feet above the floor.
Lydia let go and he smacked the floor, crushed underneath the Poltergust.
"Such is my life at the loving hands of ghosts," Luigi muttered into the floor.
Mappy spoke up. "Get used to it, man, you've a lot more floors still to hit before your face needs plastic surgery."
Picking himself up, Luigi dusted himself off. That was when a harsh, grating, high-pitched screech like a crying baby from an annoying video game filled the hallway.
The ghosts jerked up. "Oh no," Neville said. "Not already! He's only been asleep for two weeks!"
"Great! You woke the baby!!" Lydia hissed at Luigi.
"ExCUSE me?? How could I wake up a baby that I didn't even know existed?"
"That's an invalid argument, Luigi," Mappy grumbled.
"I'm not changin 'is diaper, it's Pa's turn!" Orville exclaimed.
"Is not!" Neville shot back.
"Diaper???" Luigi asked.
"Well I don't want to do it," Lydia said.
Luigi frowned at them. "I may not be an expert, but... Isn't it your kid?"

Author: I think the question we should really be asking is What on not-Earth do you find in a ghost's diaper?

"Oh, we've got an expert in the hall," Lydia observed sarcastically. "I volunteer the floppy green man!"
"Agreed!"
Luigi jumped. "Wait, what—
"Last one left changes Chauncey's diaper!" And with that the rest of the family turned tail and fled, vanishing behind the various doors.
Suddenly Luigi was left alone, in an eerily drafty hallway, with an obnoxious screechy baby crying in the background.
"Well that went well," Mappy stated.
Luigi stared. "Hey! What am I supposed to do now??"
Mappy groaned. "Do you want the answer generally or circumstantially?"
"Uhh... simply?" Luigi suggested.
"You just angered a dead family and you're now going to die changing an ancient diaper."
Luigi paused, considered it a moment, then pumped his fist. "Alright, I'm doing better than usual!"