"Elijah, talk to me," Lucy says as she stops in front of my house.

I keep silent even though I am looking at her in a silent rage, which I am sure she can sense.

"Elijah, seriously. Why did Sam want to see you?" Lucy asks once more as I open the car door to get out.

Again I do not answer her. I can't talk about it. I just can't. There is just too much going on in my life and it is as if I can't find the worlds in my mind to formalize what I am thinking and feeling. For the umpteenth time in so many years I am actually speechless.

"Okay. Then don't talk to me. Don't talk to anybody. I don't need this shit in my life."

She barely waits until I am out of the car before she speeds of, leaving behind burn tire and lots of fumes.

"Bitch," I mutter as I start climbing the stairs to my apartment. If she thinks she can use that attitude, then fine. I am not the person who left her in a strange town. Actually she owes me an apology, not the other way around.

If I'm being totally honest I think the best thing for me to do would be to take a train to fucking nowhere, get out of this state, this country; off this darn planet and just disappear forever. I don't want anybody near me ever again. And they want to know why I want to commit suicide? Well, it's pretty obvious isn't it? Since I can remember my life has been falling apart.

I push the key into the lock and unlock the door to my apartment. I don't bother locking it behind me. If a killer came in I doubt I would even put up a fight at this point, even if it was just to make to confusion go away. I can't stand feeling like this. My entire life up to this point has been about Blake. Everything I have done revolved around him and now, here I am and I don't know where my heart belongs anymore. I don't know if I should give it away. Is it possible that in holding on to Blake for such a long time I have forgotten what love actually feels like when it is real and right in front of my eyes? How can I fall in love with two men and then realize I might have been loving another one for years without even really knowing it?

"Elijah..."

The front door opens up. No knock at all. And there she stands, breaking all my thoughts into shattered pieces.

"My boy... My baby boy... I didn't think I would ever see you again..." she says as tears run down her eyes.

I stand frozen, looking at her, wondering if it could even be the right person. Her face is sunken, her body looks underfed, and her eyes has a haunting quality to it. Like something you would see in a horror movie.

"Get out," I try to whisper, but no sound comes out. So many years I have tried not to speak and then somehow my lips would betray me. Now finally it was the other way around and I had no idea why it would be like this.

"Come here. Elijah... My baby boy..." she mutters as she comes closer and closer. I want to run, but just like my lips, my legs refuse to do what I am telling them to do.

"No," I try again, but my lips still doesn't want to work. How on earth did she even find out where I live?

"I have missed you so much my boy. I can't believe that I am actually standing here in front of you. That other gay man you were living with was lying to me. I knew he was. I already knew where you lived. All I needed to do was wait for you," she says as she comes closer and closer.

As if everything is going in slow motion, I can see her hand move the air as it stretches out to me. And then...

"NO!!!" I scream at the top of my lungs the moment her skin comes in contact with me. I want nothing more than to cut of my own arm right above where she touched it. It feels like I will never be okay again.

As she falls backward my legs finally start moving and I run for the couch, trying to get my phone out of the bag I just dropped there.

"Get out! Get out! Get out!" I can hear myself scream over and over again as my hands try to find the one device that could bring me some form of help. "Get out! Get out! Get out!"

"Elijah! Elijah! Calm down sweetie! Just calm down! I'm here!" she screams as she tries to hug me to her chest, but this time I don't just bump her. I swing my fist and hit as hard as I can. Then I forget about the phone and run for my life.

The darkness has already fallen when I finally collapse on my knees. The one place I knew I would be safe from her, the world, and everyone that is running behind me, wanting me to just dissolve into nothingness.

"Blake... I'm here," I whisper as I lay down flat on his grave and touch the cold granite under my fingers. "You have no idea how much I wish you were here right now. Or how much I wish I was with you at least. I know I promised... I have promised a million times, but I can't keep my promise anymore. I can't stay alive. I can't talk to people. Every time I open my mouth someone gets hurt. And every time I shut it, there's a million words in my silence that stab me all over my body like knives. And I just can't take it anymore. I don't want to feel anymore. I just want..."

I look up at the gravestone, as if the letters of his name could have been his eyes. I trace every single letter with my finger, hoping that somehow by tracing his name he will wake up or reappear to come and save me, but nothing happens and I still don't know what I really want out of life.

"Everyone is trying to protect me Blake. And I can't take it anymore. I know I'm supposed to be strong. To fight. But I can't face Lucy. And I can't face the woman who calls herself my mother. And above all... I can't face Sam. Not again. Never again. I can't watch another person I love being taken away from me. I can't just stand there again with no way to help. Stage four... It sounds like we are going to some theater, not a death sentence. What the fuck does Stage four even mean? Terminal? Dead in a few weeks, months if we're lucky? I just can't Blake," I tell him.

It's weird that this is the only place where I can feel calm even though I am screaming inside. That I can speak every word that is in my mind rationally and even make sense to myself.

I lean over and kiss the hard stone that is the only monument that reminds people that he was alive at one time and that there was people that loved him.

"You are strong enough Elijah."

For a moment I swear the stone has spoken to me, but then I feel the hand on my shoulder.

"Lucy said I would find you here if you're not at the flat. Not a smart move leaving the door open," Fynn says as he invites himself to sit down next to me, on top of Blake. His brother. It's a concept I still can't get used to.

"What do you want?" I ask, wishing that he didn't see me kissing his dead brother. Not that it should bother me at all. Blake was there first and he will probably be there last as well.

"You didn't say goodbye before you left," Fynn says, stroking the hair out of my eyes, making me reach up and brush the hair back to the way I like it. The way that hides me away from the world.

"I felt that you were crazy. You didn't want to leave me alone," I answer. There is no reason for holding back anymore. "And I don't want to marry you. I don't want to be with you. The only reason why I kinda fell for you is because you reminded me of him."

I press my palm against Blake's stone, trying to show Fynn how much I love his brother, whether he is still with us or not.

"Blake's gone. He's been gone a long time," Blake says, putting his hand over mine, trapping my hand between his and the stone.

"Maybe, but the love I feel for him is not. That's why I went away when you met me. I wanted to forget about him. I wanted to leave him behind me, but tonight... I was led back here," I answer pulling my hand out from underneath Fynn's.

"I can understand that. Better maybe than you in some cases. I lost a brother and I live with a mother who keeps him alive every single day," Fynn says as he stands up and reaches his hand out to me, inviting me to take it.

I watch his hand for a moment, but I don't take it. Taking it would be like accepting his hand. Allowing him to take me away from Blake, and I'm just not ready for that.

"I can't be with you Fynn. I don't think I ever can. Not because you're Blake's brother. It's more than that," I answer, looking down at the grass beneath me, wishing it will swallow me whole.

"Then why Elijah? Why would you not like to be with me? Sure... I have my own problems and my own baggage, but so did Blake, and so does every single person you will ever meet. You can't expect others to take you and your baggage when you want someone perfect," Fynn says. I can hear the anger in his voice. The same temper that I have heard before and that scared the living shit out of me.

"I think I'm in love with someone else Fynn. That's why I can't be with you," I mutter, still looking at the grass.

"Blake? I think we have established that he's dead. He can't love you back," Fynn says loud enough to make me look him in the eyes, seeing the red setting into his eyes.

"It's not Blake okay. I cheated on Blake. With you, and with someone else. And another person also told me that he loved me. So can you please just go away? I don't know what to do, and I don't know who to choose, even if I wanted to choose one of you. What I do know is that I don't want to be with you. You scare me!" I shout the last part as I stand up, trying to make myself as tall as what he is. Hoping that something in me might seem brave enough to make him leave me alone this time.

"You have been playing with my heart since the moment we met! I drove all this way to you, to tell you how much I love you!" Fynn screams at me and I want to tell him how disrespectful this is in front of Blake, but I don't. Because he is right. Blake's been gone a long time. Blake can't hear us anymore.

"I don't love you Fynn! I can never love you! The only part of you that drew me in was the part that reminded me of Blake! Without that part you are nothing to me! You are just like your mother, a spreading poison that I never want in my life!"

I fall to the ground as my face feels like it wants to explode. My eyes tearing and my heart beating in my ears. I feel like I might actually be dying this time. There is no way the pain can get worse, I am sure of that. But then I feel a searing pain again and again and again. The blows are everywhere. In my stomach. Against my legs. I try to shield my face, but his shoe makes contact with my nose and I can feel the hot, wet blood on my hands as he keeps on kicking me.

Maybe this is the way it's supposed to be. Maybe I am meant to die on top of Blake's grave.

"I'll see you soon," I gasp as I reach out for the gravestone, just before everything goes black. 

A/N: Look out for an exciting new chapter in "Listen Before You Speak" titled: "Elijah's Playlist". It's taken from his diary after her tried to kill himself after Blake's death. Been playing around with the idea of writing his journal.