I was hunched over my wooden desk, typing my first blog post after discovering my asexuality. Inspired by my inner muse, my fingers flew across the keyboard. No struggle at all. I was completely in the Zone.

My inner creator sang like a--

Brrrrrrring.

Oh, no way!

Brrrrrrring.

Someone get that.

Brrrrrrring.

Incessant, annoying, piece of --

Brrrrrrring.

Freaking bring yourself!

Brrrrrrring.

Fine!

"Hello?"

"Oh, hey, Jess! It's Nicky."

*cue sigh*

"Oh, hey. How are you?"

"Coo, coo, coo..."

What are you, a bird?

"So, prom!
Are you excited?
It's only a few weeks away!"

You gotta be joking...

"So excited..."

"Have you got a date yet?"

"Come on, girl.
My breakup with
Bryan is old news."

"Oh, yeah, sorry...
No new prospects?"

Way to make me feel better.

"Nope."

"Well, guess who asked me?"

"Who?"

"Jack Kowalski!"

Jack the Jock was the hottest and most popular guy according to the senior lists. No wonder. His spiky, dark hair and gorgeous brown eyes made him the local heartthrob, not to mention his athletic physique. He was the head of the Fabulous Four, the most popular clique at St. Stephen's. Thanks to Nicky's popularity, money, and good looks, she was also a member. Of course.

When Nicky had insisted I join the Fabulous Four for lunch, Jack had begrudgingly accepted. Only because two members of the group--Nicky and Bryan--were my friends. From church, mind you. At St. Stephen's, I was less popular than a rock.

Since I'd broken up with Bryan, though, I'd lost my seating privileges with them. He was like a brother to Jack, and the group was like the damned Mafia. So I'd resorted to spending my lunches in the computer labs for the past two months to avoid both Jack and Bryan.

But Nicky still kept in touch. She said there was no way in hell anyone--even Jack--could tell her who her friends were.

I didn't know what to think about Nicky going to prom with him. Just one more reason for me not to go. But I still mustered my enthusiasm for her sake.

"Oh, wow!
That's great!"

"I know, right?
Now we just have
to find you a date."

Here we go.

"I don't need a date."

"Of course you need a date.
Everyone has a date.
Only losers go to prom alone."

What the heck?

"Well, that must not be true.
Because I'm not a loser,
and I want to go alone."

"Dude, is this about your celibacy?
Or is it because you miss Bryan?"

Keep it cool, Jess.
Keep it cool.

"Just dance and have fun."

"It's not about Bryan.
It's just not my thing."

"Come on, Jess!
Even celibate people go to prom."

"I know."

"So what's up?
I can't go without
My church BFF."

"I just..."

Don't say it...

"I..."

Don't say it...
Don't say it...

"It's no big deal.
I love you,
no matter what."

"You wouldn't understand."

"Dude, just tell me.
You're lesbian, right?
And you're nervous about
taking a woman to the prom."

"What? No!"

"For real, now.
It's cool, Jess.
I've known for a while.
You don't have to keep
Quiet about it with me."

"Nicky..."

"We can find
the perfect girl for you."

Let a girl talk.

"Nicky..."

"You guys can meet up there
And your strict-as-hell family
Will never know the difference."

Okay, this is really starting
to piss me off.

"Nicky!"

"You'll have a great time.
Or you could come with
Jack and me as friends and--"

"For fuck's sake,
I'm asexual!"

Silence.

Oops.

No.

No, no, no, no.

You weren't supposed
to tell her like that.

Silence. Dead silence.

My heart thudded against my ribs.

Normally, I'd thank the freaking lord that she'd finally shut up. But this was the kind of awkward-ass silence no one ever wanted to hear, especially from a self-proclaimed BFF.

Even if it meant not having to talk about prom dresses and hairdos.

Should I plead the fifth?
Laugh it off as a joke?
Blame it on Aunt Flo?

"Sorry?
What did you say?"

Wait a dang minute!
Why should I apologize
for being asexual?

"I'm not gay or straight.
I'm... I'm...nothing. Neither."

Silence. Again.

My hands turned clammy, and my stomach did somersaults that threatened to eject my lunch.

Hang up! Just hang up already!

Right before I pressed the button, I moved my hand away. I had to try to explain it to my best friend.

"So please don't ask me
to take a guy or a girl
because it's not about
being gay or straight."

"Whoa, okay.
Take a chill pill."

"I am chill."

Correction: I was chill
until your crazy ass
annoyed me about prom dates.

"I just need a second
To wrap my brain around this.
Does being asexual mean you're
going to become a nun?"

"There's nothing
religious about it."

"What? Wait... Okay.
So what does it mean?"

Uh...

"It means don't feel
Sexual attraction."

"What? Really?
Like never?"

"Nope, not guys or girls.
That's why I know
I'm not lesbian."

"Right, so you haven't met
the right person yet.
There's still time to find
the perfect date. You'll see."

"It's not about meeting
the right person.
I feel no sexual attraction.
At all. For anyone. Ever."

"How can you live
without sexual attraction?"

"That's kind of like a bird
asking you how you
can live without wings."

"But how do you know
You don't like sex
if you haven't tried it?"

"Okay, let's try it like this.
Have you ever had
sex with a woman?"

"Uh, no..."

"Maybe you'd like it..."

"Well, this metaphor
isn't gonna work
because, duh, I like guys."

"Fair enough.
But how do you know
if you haven't tried
sex with women?"

*brief pause*

"I dunno.
I just know."

"Exactly. As do I."

Silence struck once again.

"Maybe you're just depressed.
Depression can affect sex drive.
And who wouldn't be with a strict
Family like yours controlling
Your every breath?"

What in the actual--?
What is this, the 1950s?
Quick, fix her like Alan Turing!

*eye roll*

"Hold on.
I don't have depression.
I've never wanted to have sex."

"But I don't understand..."

Nicky sounded almost disappointed. Maybe mental illness was an easier concept to grasp than a lack of interest in boinking.

"So do you like guys?
Like, never mind the sex
And making out and stuff.
Just like as friends."

"Well, yeah..."

"Just go to the prom
with a male friend."

"It's not that simple."

"Why not?"

"Because guys expect
you to do things
I don't enjoy.
And I don't want
the extra pressure."

"But if you go with a friend,
He won't expect that."

"Come on, Nicky!
My family is strict as hell,
You know that.
Do you really think I
Have a line of guy friends
Eager to take me to prom?"

"Oh, yeah... Damn it.
Hey, I know!
I could set you up.
If you go in the limo with us,
He can meet you there and
Your grandparents wouldn't
Know a thing!"

So now I'm sneaking around
Because of a stupid dance?
No, thanks.

"I know you're trying to help,
But Jack doesn't want to be
Anywhere near me.
Especially for prom."

You know that. Ugh...

"If you got back together with Bryan,
Jack would be cool again."

"Ugh, not gonna happen.
I'm not getting back with Bryan
To improve my social status!"

"That's not what I meant.
You guys were just so cute together."

"We're not compatible
As a couple. I'd love to
Be friends, but he can't."

*sigh*

"I'm sorry, Jess. I just want prom
To be perfect for both of us."

"Me too. But like I said,
I don't want the stress
Of meeting a stranger
Who may think he's
Getting more than
I feel comfortable with."

"I'm trying to understand, but
Why are you equating prom and sex?"

"I hear guys talking.
It's all about how far
People are going to go
After prom."

"Oh, that's just guys
Being macho, Jess.
You know, jock talk.
Most will end the night
As virginal as they went."

"If you're my friend, Nicky,
Please respect my wishes."

"Of course we're friends, silly.
That's why I'm making sure you
Go with a date. You don't want to
Be the wallflower, right?"

"I have so much school stress.
I don't want a blind date
With someone I don't know."

"Oh. Em. Gee!
Please don't do this!
You don't want to be
An outcast at prom."

"Wait a minute!
This is about Jack, isn't it?
You don't want me to
embarrass you."

*sigh*

"Maybe I just won't go.
It's not worth the hassle."

"This is about you
Not spoiling our senior prom!
Come on. You're just being
Stubborn and difficult
For the sake of it."

"You know what?
I'm done!"

I hung up on her.

Instantly, I regretted everything. Telling her. Not taking it back. Acting like a five-year-old turd bucket. I didn't know what had come over me.

It was such a relief to finally come out and say the truth. But Nicky just didn't understand.

She was always trying to help people, even the so-called 'losers' at school to whom others wouldn't give the time of day. Being asexual seemed to be too much of an ask, though. Even for her. This one time that I needed her to be tolerant, she blew it. It freaking pissed me off.

If a girl like Nicky couldn't accept me, what chance did I have with the others?

Still, I didn't help matters with my dumbassery. What demon had taken control of my brain?

Maybe Nicky is right. Maybe I should just blend in. Am I the messed up one here? Is it so crazy to want to dance and eat and have fun without a partner? Just until I figure this out?

Argh! Sometimes I could just--

Mom knocked on my door. "Jess?"

"Not now, please."

"You sound upset. Is everything--?"

"MOM, please!" I yelled through the door. "Just...give me a minute."

"Sorry," she muttered. "I made your favorite biscuits if you're hungry."

My stomach clenched, and I pursed my lips. Mom didn't deserve that. She was just trying to be nice, and I was being a freaking jerk.

What was wrong with me? This issue had disturbed my whole equilibrium. The stress of finals and projects didn't help matters.

Why had I decided to explore my sexuality now? Why couldn't I have waited until the summer like a rational person?

Prom.

The dance that would usher me from childhood into adulthood. What in the hell was I going to do about that damned nightmare?

Maybe I just wouldn't go. It was just a dance, after all.

Screw the dance. Play it safe. Focus on your priorities.

Plenty of time to explore your sexuality after you've finished high school.

"Sorry, Mom. I just need a moment, okay?"

"That's fine," she said. "Just come out when you're ready."

I snorted under my breath and shook my head. My naive, retired grandma probably had no idea her words had another connotation.

You couldn't make this shit up.