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.

.

"You've looked so conflicted every time. I couldn't tell if you hated being touched... or if you thought I was going to hurt you."

I could only lean into her. Muscles uncoiling. Sinking bodily against her.

She gave a soft laugh. Arms squeezing just a little tighter. Tucking me under her chin. Long hair a curtain blocking out the rest of the world.

"I'm not going to hit you, Bucky.... Unless you're on fire. That's a thing when people are on fire, right...? I'm probably dumb enough to try to slap a fire dead in a panic.... And maybe while pushing you out of the way of something... which I'd probably just bounce off you?"

My eyes fell shut. Half hiding my face with the seat cushions just to the right of her.

Enjoying the moment while it lasted.

But she didn't stop. Fingers still dancing through my hair.

"Bickiieee!"

"B-uh-cky."

"Bickiie!"

"Irene. Say it with me. B-uh-cky."

"Bickie!!"

"Becky, Irene. He's Bucky. I'm B-eh-cky."

"Bickiiiieee!!!" A flash of the little baby in pink, arms flailing with a wooden rattle in hand. Hair in pigtails.

"Come on, you two. James is sick. Let him rest."

"Yes, Mom!" chirped so cheerfully.

I couldn't see what was happening. I could hear footsteps. I could smell the illness. I could even feel the wet pillow under my head and the dripping towel on my forehead. But I couldn't see anything.

No matter how I tried.

I couldn't make out her face.

The bed sunk. A hand supported my head. The pillow under my head changed to a dry one. A towel wiped over my face, soaking up all the water.

"The girls made a mess. How is there so much water? Did they pour a bucket on your head?"

"They were only trying to – ahchoo! To help."

"My dearest adorable children."

A pair of lips pressed against my forehead. A hand ran through my hair, combing through the wet strands.

I tried to cling onto the memory. To find a face. The face of my mom. But there was nothing more. Just her warm hand on my head. Until nothing came of it.

I pried my eyes opened, turning my head to look up at Valeriy only to have her hand land in the middle of my face.

"Oops. Sorry," she laughed, stroking my cheek with a thumb. "When should you be sleeping? Eve has you on a staggered cycle, yeah?"

I gave a little nod. Peeling myself off the couch. Straightening up to check the time. "Nineteen minutes."

Staring blankly at the tablet screen, I couldn't begin to sort through the jumbled mess tumbling inside me. The lightness of recalling a memory. The confusion of not being able to see my mother's face in any of my hazy memories. The heaviness of the hand having left.

Valeriy's head landed on my shoulder with a hum from her. "I'll probably head off in a bit then. Get back before you wake.... On another note, I'm pretty sure I'll have anxiety problems driving this big thing with other cars on the road.... Sorry."

"I can drive."

The whole way if I had to. Steadily make it to the destination in two hour increments.

"I'll take a nap after dinner or something and take over driving from midnight to five – Oh! Oh! Eve, is there a Tim Hortons around? Ev –? Oh... right...."

"I'll pick up the drop."

I'd been trained to go unseen. I could grab it and return easier. I didn't grow up with a ghost following my every move. Watching over me. Watching out for me.

And Hydra wasn't looking for me here as much as the ones after Val –

A shiver raced up my spine when her fingers played with my ear. My head tilted back, landing on her shoulder. A soft laugh coming from her.

"You should be sleeping, Bucky. No point wasting your time."

"But she's not... with you."

"...It's not the first time. I should be fine," she assured, but I could hear the stress in her voice. "I'll be disguised and armed. If I suspect anything, I'll call, 'kay? Nothing to fret about."

"And if you're scared," I added, moving to face her properly. "If you get scared... call."

Her hand retreated to rest on her stomach. Head still hanging over the edge of the couch with a smile on her lips. "Okay. I can do that."

"...You shouldn't be walking."

"Meh. The cast is stable," she shrugged off with a wrinkle to her nose. Toes wiggling. The left set stiffer and uncoordinated compared to the right, twitching in her attempt.

"...Doesn't it hurt...?"

"Yeah. But that's fine.... I think... we might see pain a little differently?"

"Order only comes through pain..." I repeated the words that echoed in my head. In different voices. In different languages.

Her brows furrowed a tad. "I feel like fear propaganda of a near immediate threat works a lot better for that...?"

With a sigh, she reached out, running her finger through my hair again.

"I see pain as my body communicating with me. Like 'Val, you sure fucked up.' Or 'Val, you're currently fucking up.' Or 'Val, something's fucked up. Might want to look into what....' That's about it, I guess?"

"And when the kidnappers were torturing you?" I huffed.

"Probably falls under 'Val, you darn fucked up' or... something? Was my fault that I got nabbed." Shoulder shrugging with a wince.

There's something wrong with those words that just sprouted out of her mouth. Something seriously wrong.

"I guess there's a 'Shit happens' category? That's a thing... that happens.... Like dive bombing crows..." she said to her shirt. That she picked at the hem of with both sets of fingers.

"...Were they arrested?" I had to ask. Even when I didn't want to know the answer.

"Doubt it? That would involve a record of the kidnapping. If my parents say the whole thing didn't happen, then it never happened.... So I got no clue what happened to them. I never looked into it. I don't think I'd even find anything if I tried now. Eve's one of the best when it comes to making things disappear...."

"...You actually go along with this... this insanity?"

She shrugged. "I can't change what happened, Bucky."

"You could have told someone. The police. Your grandfather. Anyone."

"Everything's been made to look like I'm making it all up if I ever spoke about it.... Even my own body. Every piece stitched back into place as if it never happened.... For all you know, it could be all in my head.... That I'm lying. You won't find a thing if you look into it."

For a moment, I found myself reaching up, taking her hand in mine. Stopping the thread pulling and silently trying to let her know that I didn't doubt her words. That I wasn't accusing her of lying again.

I knew how she looked. How she sounded when she was lying. She lied to the border officer. She lied to the Librarian.

She's hidden things with me. But had yet to flat out lie to my face.

Valeriy's fingers weaved between mine. Her thumb caressing a line along the bottom of my palm. Her eyes seemingly staring off into space.

"It's not like I didn't retaliate for all the bullshit," she started. "When they shipped me off to a new school in England, I.... Not that they knew it had anything to do with me. I kind of... tanked our precious shiny reputation of our Security Department. I stopped working on that stuff. Dropped all the clients. Dropped most of our locations. Definitely dropped my parents. Only updated the plans for Gramps and my brother... and the places we keep all the super dangerous shit."

"But... but weren't you...? I was...."

"Evaluating a bunch of security plans for my parents and random people? Yup, we were. Things sort of went into mayhem a bit after I quit. The Security Department and Eve didn't have the best time replacing me. I heard a bunch of stuff was stolen. People were hurt. Not sure if people died, but Mother was taken for a quick five minutes?

"When that happened, my brother got me to return under the name Cass D'amour and actually get paid for some of what I do. It'd give me a cushion for the next time I got my ass kicked to the curb. Got back just in time too. Father almost got his head blown off by a sniper.... Not sure if I could live with myself if he died and I might have been able to do something."

Her head turned, facing me. Her hand squeezing lightly around my fingers, and then they slowly slipped out of my grip.

I wanted to stop her. Keep the breaking moment. But I couldn't.

Those blackened bruises on her neck area, they're my fault. I caused some. The rest I could have prevented. If only I hadn't –

"Thank you, Bucky," she stated softly, sitting up. "You're right. Talking helps. More than I thought it would.... I'm here if you ever want to give it a try."

I huffed. Head shaking.

I couldn't.

I couldn't risk it.

Didn't want to risk her realizing what I was. A monster. Didn't want her seeing me as a monster. She had yet to look at me with that trembling mess of fear and horror. And I didn't want to see that in those pale gray eyes.

Valeriy wrapped her arms around my head once more. "When it gets suffocating, come to me. I won't make you talk, but we can figure something out, 'kay?"

I gave a little nod. Flinching at the pat she tapped on my shoulder.

"Sorry," she said.
"...I should head out. The drop should be in place by now."

I almost grabbed onto her arms when she pulled away. Watched her walk into the bedroom and heard the door shut.

Sinking against the couch, I couldn't stop the panic welling up inside me. A lump in my chest blocking air.

'I need a distraction.'

So I went about setting the pillows back into place. Exactly how they were when I first entered the motorhome. Not a centimeter out place. As if they had never been touched.

I grabbed a different notebook and one of the special pens. Recording the blind memory of my mom and little sisters. Pen flying across two pages. A sketch of a baby and a rattle forming on a third. One with some sort of flower on it.

A woman stepped out from the bedroom, patting on the white sheet of the cuttlefish octopus skin based mask. Her face fading into somebody else's. Not the same blonde as yesterday.

"I'll be back before you wake. If anything, I'll call." With that, she practically skipped out the door. The black of the casts fading back into intricate tattoos.

Taking a deep breath in, I turned to the sink. Needed another distraction and got down to washing dishes.

When everything was dried and placed back where I found them, I tried a shower. Taking advantage of being the only one here and the mirror that let me see the whole motorhome at a glance.

Then nothing.

Nothing left to done.

My nerves too worked up to find sleep.

Valeriy's alone out there. The A.I. ghost wasn't watching over her. She's injured. Untrained. If something happened, there wouldn't be time to call.

The new phone ended up in my hand. Unlocked. My thumb hovering over the screen.

"Buddy, what up? It's only been what? Five minutes?" Valeriy's voice chirped on the other end of the phone.

'Eleven minutes and thirteen seconds.'

"...Everything... is everything alright?" I asked.

"Yup. All's good."

"...You're not scared?"

"I'm not scared. Here, listen."

A rustle later, a thumping could be heard on the call. Five thumps.

"Heartbeat's pretty steady, yeah?" she said. "...How are you holding up?"

"...." I pulled the phone away from my ear. Staring down at it. Unable to answer. Weakness was no tolerated.

"I'll search around for different cinnamon buns, 'kay? We can figure out what kinds you like. They'll be there when you wake."

Even with the phone in my lap, I could clearly hear every word.

"Buddy?"

With a deep breath, I forced out, "Looking forward to it."

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Author's Note:

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