{Pardon my ugly. My sis took this right when I woke up.}

I. Hate. Spiders.

They have too many legs, too many eyes, and they have those weird little click-y mouth hands. Spiders are like crabs that stick to walls and touch me with their weird little armored feet. I hate everything about them.

You can only imagine what my reaction was when my sister told me that spiders like to crawl in your mouth when you sleep.

I want exactly none of that.

I was on "vacation" with my family. It's hardly a vacation, since we stay in a decaying cabin in the middle of nowhere, with no shower, and no civilization for miles. I sleep on the top bunk of a rickety old bunk bed, which is full of wooden planks that I smack my head on every five seconds. Not to mention the protruding nails, rat poison, and spiderwebs that cover the walls of my loft. This place is just great.

Nevertheless, I climbed up to my bed, and shoved all my belongings to the side to barricade my self in, since there is no guard rail to keep me from falling out of bed. I did a quick "pest check" over the surrounding area, and started getting ready.

After three carpenter ants were killed, and my Neko Atsume bowls were filled with Ritzy Bitz, I was finally under the covers, about to turn on my *ahem* "ASMR" playlist. I hit play, and I Love Pet!! Vol. 6 started playing. {Don't judge me!!}

I laid back and closed my eyes. After a few moments of relaxing to the godlike voice of Yuuki Kaji, I felt a tickle on my left hand. A feeling that only a creature with a desire to crawl in my mouth can make.

I paused the audio, as I was just getting to my favorite part, (Track 4, the part where my pet hamster turns human) and decided to investigate. I wasn't going to let one of those demon arachnids ruin it for me.

I clicked my flashlight on, shining the beam on my hand. You know what I saw?

A three inch long, crunchy shelled, massive, Crossed Orbweaver, crawling up my left arm.

I added about four dollars to the family swear jar in one minute.

I flailed around, trying to shake it off. I didn't want to squish it, for many reasons, actually. One, when you kill them, Crossed Orbweavers sound like you crushed a peanut. Seriously, they are like land crabs. Two, I don't want the entrails of a peanut spider smeared on my arm. And three... I don't want his friends to get mad at me, and crawl in my mouth. I know those monsters are vengeful creatures, I KNOW IT.

I really don't want one of those creepy wall-climbing-crabs taking a nap in my mouth. No, no thank you!

I guess I was in such a blind panic that a flung that eight legged monstrosity off me, but I didn't really see where he (or she, I'm not sexist) landed in my bed. I was taking no chances.

I dug around in my duffle bag wall, and pulled out my beanie, and a pair of clean underwear.

I ended up sticking me head through one of the leg holes of my panties, and put my hat on over the other hole, which was on my head. I ted it with a rubber band, and ta-da! I'm a spider-proof panty ninja.

Hey, I slept easy after that. I continued listening to the angelic voice of my darling Yuuki, and fell asleep.

Then my sister woke me up... With the look she was giving me, I'm fairly certain she thought that I lost the last bit of my sanity.

At least there were no spiders in my mouth.