Chapter 9: Secret Crush (1)

Stepping out of the conservatory's Office of Student Affairs, I glanced up at the dull and lifeless sky which, just a few days ago, was still a bright and vibrant blue. A thin blanket of smog had settled over the city, shrouding the tall buildings in the far distance. Staring at the scenery before me, I couldn't help but felt that it was an accurate reflection of my future—my future as Shen Yan.

My heart was still pounding inside my chest as scenes of what I had just done replayed over and over again in my head. I had just submitted a withdrawal form—something that I could never think of doing in my previous life. But now I was living as Shen Yan; and given this body's limitations, the Shens agreed that it was best for Shen Yan to withdraw from her studies and enjoy her remaining days according to her wishes.

I wrinkled my nose and let the sting pass.

Although it was unfortunate for Shen Yan, there was still a silver lining for me. Given that I had only six months left to live, I had to make the most of my time and could not afford to be stuck in college classes all day and completing assignments all night, especially not when it involved an area of study that I was unfamiliar with. While I had vocal training when I was younger, I was still unprepared to step into the shoes of a final year conservatory student.

The phone in my pocket buzzed as the ringtone chimed. I answered it after checking the caller ID.

"Shen Yan! Where are you?" asked Tan Qing loudly as she tried to speak over the noise in her background. "Are you still on campus?"

"I've just exited the Office of Student Affairs."

"Have you eaten? If you've not, come over to the dumpling restaurant on Beichen Road. My treat!"

My brows furrowed. "The dumpling restaurant? Where is that?"

"Oh sorry," she replied in a flustered tone. "Go out from the North Gate, turn right, keep walking straight down, and—ok never mind what I just said. Just stay where you are. Help is on the way."

Before I had the chance to reply, she had already hung up. Lowering the phone from my ear, I couldn't help but feel uneasy. There was something mysterious about the tone of her voice—as if she was hiding something and that I should anticipate it. Climbing back up the steps leading back into the building, I returned indoors to wait for the help that was on the way.

Gazing through the glass, I caught a glimpse of Cheng Yujin as appeared like a beacon of recognition from amidst the sea of students flurrying around in a hurry. As he weaved his way through the throng of people, striding in the direction of the Office of Student Affairs, my heart beat suffocatingly. He wore a thick padded jacket zipped up to his chin and had both his hands buried deep in his pockets—it made him look like an adorable stuffed dumpling, which further accentuated his endearing and youthful appearance. In no time, the distance between us shrank and I was able to see his breath forming wisp of white clouds in the cold air.

Entering the building, his eyes searched his surroundings before locking with mine. Was he the gift of charcoal in winter?[1]

His cautious footsteps echoed in the empty lobby. I half-jogged towards him to meet him halfway.

As I opened my mouth to ask "Did Tan Qing send you here?", Cheng Yujin simultaneously said "Tan Qing requested for me to bring you over."

We shared a brief moment of surprise before his face suddenly cracked into a broad smile. I smiled in response, realising that the awkward tension which hung over us from the moment he stepped through those doors had dissipated.

I walked quietly alongside Cheng Yujin as he navigated us down streets and short-cut alleys that were more than unfamiliar to me.

"I heard that you are withdrawing from school?" said Cheng Yujin, suddenly breaking the silence.

I raised my head to look at him slightly astonished. Did he hear about it from Tan Qing?

Rubbing my nose, I gave a nervous laugh. "Yes, I've just submitted the withdrawal form; but I've got to still wait for the school to process my application. They said that it would take about three weeks for them to issue the withdrawal letter."

Cheng Yujin simply nodded with his gaze looking straight ahead; and just when I thought that he was going to drop the topic, he followed up by asking casually, "does it mean that you'll be leaving the school after this semester?"

I smiled, unable to respond immediately. It was not normal for people to drop-out of college mid-way through their final year of study. For someone to do that, it was usually the case that they had decided to pursue a different career path as the opportunity had suddenly arose or that they were going through a life-changing event that warranted a drastic step such as withdrawing from school instead of simply taking a leave of absence. It was alright for others to know that I was dropping out of school and for them to gossip behind my backs about that, but I was deeply reluctant for them to know that it was for health reasons.

"No, I won't be attending lessons anymore," I said at long last, finishing with a nervous chuckle. "It's not really my wish to continue down this path."

"Oh," he said softly. Curiosity was evident in his voice, yet he didn't probe further. I stared at him from the corner of my eye, and his head inclined towards the ground. I couldn't tell from his expression whether he was aware of my condition.

Then he lifted his head and looked at me with a small smile. "Then, what are your plans for the future—now that do you not have any more obligations as a student?"

Rubbing my cold and numbed hands together, I replied uncertainly: "I'm not sure yet, but I'll find something to do for sure." At this point, I wasn't even sure how much of a future I had.

"Oh, I had thought that you had something else that you would rather do than singing," said Cheng Yujin while maintaining a polite smile. "Don't worry, you'll find something to do eventually."

I returned the smile, my cheeks reddening when I realised that from my responses and his lack of knowledge of my predicament, it certainly didn't cross his mind that my future was short-lived and I was not Shen Yan. "Yeah, well—as you mentioned the other day: we all have the right to decide on our own future. If there is something else that I would rather do, I want to work towards achieving that so that I don't let myself down."

The smile on his face faltered at the mention of his words of anger from the day of the college music festival. "About that, I want to apologise to you. My emotions got the better of me and I lashed out. I'm sorry," he said while stopping in the middle of the pavement abruptly.

A complicated feeling arose in me. "It's alright," I replied in a flustered manner, "I too was wrong for being insistent in my own views."

Giving him a wide grin, I stretched out my right hand towards him for a handshake. We may have gotten off on the wrong foot with each other, but now that we have acknowledged our mistakes and apologised to each other, do you want to be friends?"

Cheng Yujin flushed a little and stared at me dumbfounded, his hand still tucked deep inside his pocket. As I held his gaze, a dreadful feeling started creeping into my trembling heart. Just as my face burned a deep crimson colour of rejection, he grabbed my retracting hand and shook it firmly.

As his hand closed around mine, I felt the warmth emanating from his palms, melting away the chill that had settled deep in my frozen fingers. A sudden rush of warmth spread through my body and a soft pink hue coloured my frozen cheeks.

"Ok," he answered, the corners of his lips curved upwards slightly. It was a soft murmur, but it was like honey to my ears.

The cold winter air whipped around us as we smiled at each other, standing still on a street lined with various small restaurants and dozens of shops selling a variety commodities.

"Please don't block the way," a gruff voice sounded from behind as a middle-aged man carrying a huge white bag of what appears to be clothing on his back squeezed past us.

Breaking away from Cheng Yujin, I laughed to ease the sudden awkwardness that settled between us. Mirroring me, he let out a nervous chuckle as his head swivelled left and right, a cloud of white mist covering his face.

"Oh, the shop is down this way." He pointed in the direction of a huge blue signboard that had a cute drawing of a dumpling and walked towards it.

Watching him scurry away, the smile on my face grew wider.

It looked like there was still some hope for me to implement my plan to return to my original world. As long as I could get close to Cheng Yujin, I may have a chance to brainwash him into going back down the path of a professional singer-songwriter.

But this wasn't a novel and I couldn't write his fate. If this Cheng Yujin from the past still chose to walk the path of a layperson, then I'd just accept my fate.

***

A/N:

[1] 雪中送炭 (xuě zhōng sòng tàn): lit. to send charcoal in snowy weather (idiom); fig. to provide help in someone's hour of need