"im still in love with him" "its not fair, he's dating someone that he doesn't even have feelings for" "it just hurts when you love your best friend, whos transgender" "it just hurts-" "im-"

"i-"

https://youtu.be/rwTULrIL94s

either you already know and you dont care about my feelings, or you truly wish for love to save you. it cant. the only thing that can save you is

realizing who you are and giving yourself purpose besides waking up every saturday at 1 in the afternoon and staying up until 5 am

i have pages upon pages of evidence for someone to tell you that i'm in love with you. ill list and screenshot them.
and then ill tell you what I want.

- i wore your jacket. the day before halloween last year. i wore. your. jacket.

- i used your chap stick after i asked you for some.

i wanted you to ask. i dont know why you said 'as friends', its like you knew. i wanted you to say "Why not?" or "Please?"
I knew you were afraid to hear it.

and now you asked why it would be hard for me. 

i havent replied. but god, im going to reply now.

ive been hating the day when i finally post this because all my secrets will be out.

if you didnt already know, why would you be so... not curious as to what I was going to tell you. either you didnt care or you already knew

i thought of you. you. you only.

What I think;

I think youre afraid. I thought you were when you werent curious as to what i had to tell you. you must be afraid of me telling you because you think youd end up hurting my feelings because thats what happened to you and dean. you got hurt. but im not as sensitive (absolutely no offence) and i know it was a gamble whether to tell you from the start or not at all.
I think youre pretty. even if youre in just your jacket and jeans. in your pajamas. i think youre beautiful. and I hate the idea of you sitting alone first lunch. without me there.

i think im confused myself. i dont know why i 

feel this way

and it feels good to know that im a safe person to you that you can talk to even when i seem like concrete i feel like gravel in reality.

it feels nice to protect you. even if i dont agree with you all the time.

What I have;

comfort when i need it the most, a place that i know best. i love your new house, it already feels like fucking home to me. i love it.

someone i can make smile and laugh on command. its just so easy and i love both of those coming from you.

What I want;

to take you to the glowing sand beaches of the ocean
to take you to the mountains overlooking tens of miles in India and show you forever

to watch you fall asleep one night (or probably day in our case) instead of me passing out first

to be happy for once, and to be honest, i dont know if thats with you but...

we only live once, right? and life is a journey; full of sacrifice and pain and boredom and laughter and crying and anger and

love

and im sorry  because now its going to be awkward between us, or at least for you because ive been acting for the past two years from something ive repressed for so long. 

also; when i said you were afraid or not caring about my feelings or whatever? i dont actually mean it, i wrote that at an emotional time and am just now going back to editing it. 

whatever happens now is up to you, and its understandable if you need to take your time away from me, ill be fine