I'm not funny

I remembered what else I wanted to say earlier, but forgot because short term memory is shit.

I don't have DID (dissociative identity disorder). I've only been diagnosed with social anxiety and depression with a pinch of ADHD. When I'm "talking" to my characters in comments, or they're "talking" on their own or to others, it's just me talking to myself. I don't know why I do it, maybe because since it isn't coming from "me", the hurtful words won't hurt. People can hate characters, it's fine. But I, in this context, use my OCs (characters) as talking pieces. Because, really, aren't OCs just fragments of yourself? Of your personality? I just... want to put this out there. Clear things up? I guess?

In real life, I sometimes talk to myself, not because there's someone else I'm my head, but because it's easier to focus on my thoughts when I say them out loud. When I wrote earlier, I forgot about this bit because I was focused on a game. I'm in my head a lot, more so now than ever. I'm an over thinker. I play through scenarios in my brain to issues in real life because I think I know how things will work out, even if I don't because I haven't experienced anything or spoke my mind.

It's nice being able to write out my thoughts as they come, since it's hard for me to hold on to a thought if I don't get to verbalize it somehow. This is why, while I like going into in depth conversations with my parents about things, if I have a thought and I can't get a word in because they're talking and I don't want to be rude but they don't hear me theyneverdo, I lose my train of thought. Sometimes I have ideas, and if I don't get them down I lose them. Same with dreams. I've been dreaming a lot lately. It's so vivid during the pre-wake, but fades and falls like sand through my fingers, and I hate it. The few I've written down, there's never enough context and there's missing pieces that I can't finish the story.

I'm a writer, a creator. Being unable to get words across frustrates me. Being unable to voice my thoughts frustrates me. Being told to 'just do it, you never know unless you try, fake it til you make it, just get it over and done with' infuriates me to no end.

You think I want to fail? You think I want to intentionally sabotage myself? You think I don't want to be done with this shit already?! I know that!! But, as you can't seem to figure out on your god damn own, I literally cannot force myself to do jack shit, Mom, Dad. I know they won't read this, and that's fine! I'm most likely going to write this down physically, in a journal, like I used to when the puppy first came, but that moment isn't now.

I want to write and rant about my feelings and other shit on other sites on the accounts I have but I don't know how! I want to be able to discuss with others, I want to be able to talk to other creators. I just...

I'm a mess, and I just want to have structure again