First off, who tf is sleep? She not been round again

Second, why is it that I'm always being told that I don't have enough experience to make a decision regarding my sexuality when my youngest brother gets to declare that he is gay and in a relationship with a guy a couple states over and is only a few years older than my baby bro?

I mean, really, I don't get why people find others attractive. I can look at pictures of objectively hot people and be like 'what's the deal? There's nothing special' And I know that it will have meaning to other people, thanks again Mom for reminding me again that even though I talk about being open minded I'm not being that because I judge. I don't judge, I question because I don't understand. Why does getting implants for your breasts make you feel better? Why does removing ribs for a smaller waist make you feel better? Why does making your face look like a plastic doll make you feel better?

Why does putting make-up on make you feel better? I don't understand. I'll look up some things online to try and understand, it's typically the reason why I ask for people to explain the meaning of a word to me instead of just looking it up because the internet is not a kind place. And I don't want that in my search history.

The whole thing about 'fake it till you make it' crap? Yeah, I've heard this since I was a child in dance. I don't need to be told it because IT DOESNT FÜCKING WORK FOR ME!!!! I can hardly sound level and calm when I'm on the verge of tears. My voice gets watery and my vision blurs with water and my nose gets clogged up. And I was scooping cookies. The first couple trays came out nice and clean. The last ones got wonky because a) I was having trouble seeing and b) I was at the bottom of the mixer where everything is crumbly and not wanting to stay as a ball.

And I, the panicking mess that I am while talking to my mom about an issue I am genuinely confused about and unable to get a single word in edgewise because you keep steamrolling over me as I form words but they get fucking ignored and you wonder why I don't talk to you about things because I forget because I can never fucking say anything- mom stumbles and says that she's dizzy. She's lightheaded and black spots are taking over her vision and what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck- I'm terrified out of my goddamned mind, still crying because mom won't let me be aroace, and now my mind is screaming that it's my fault I shouldn't have opened the can and now mom is probably going to die because I couldn't keep my damn mouth shut, so I have a breakdown in the kitchen while mom goes to lie down.

So now I, the panicking disaster that I was, had to scoop out over eight cookie trays full of chocolate chip cookies by myself (not an issue I've done it before) while I'm still crying and unable to stop because oh my god if my mom got hurt if she fainted it'd be my fault cause I didn't up shut my fuck and having to deal with an overload of having two 350 degree F ovens on behind me, a puppy that still hasn't leaned that the stoves being on is bad while the other is getting old, fearing that my mom was gonna get hurt, and having to manage pulling and picking up cookies at ten minute intervals and it's hard to scoop because my hand is cramping up but I'm not saying shit because I'm the only decent scooper in my house and yeah... My day was shit.

Especially because I had stayed up late and knew that mom would ream me knowing that I stayed up late and didn't get up at nine (Fûck you mom I'm developing insomnia (I don't know if I am, I'm not self-diagnosing)) so I gotta stay up aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall day and go to sleep at a reasonable time (Pfft, I've never slept at a reasonable time in my life (lie)).

Newsflash, I'm not, because I WAS JUST RECENTLY TRAUMATIZED BY WATCHING MY MOM NEARLY FAINT IN THE GODDAMNED KITCHEN WHERE THE HOT STUFF MAKES SUMMER FUCKING HELL!!!!

I'm not okay, so don't bother asking.