Middle of Canyon
Sheila and Lopez approaching Red Base. Tucker driving Sheila.

Tucker: Ahh, Sheila we have to slow down or we're gonna run into that jeep!

Sheila: Please take evasive action. Please take evasive action.

Tucker: You take evasive action! Hey, Lopez, help me out! Can't you talk to her?

Lopez: >Sorry. I'm not good at talking to beautiful women. I get sweaty.<

Red Base
Leo, Grif and Donut are crouching behind the jeep

Donut: Well buddies, it looks like this is the end for us. Since we're going to die anyway, there's only one thing left for us to do. Grif-

Grif: If you actually suggest what I think you're about to suggest, I'll just have Leo kill me.

Donut: -lets make a break for it!

Grif: Whew! In that case lets go on 3. That's worked well for me in the past.

Leo: (Shakes head) Grif you need to stop assuming things.

Grif: Sorry but, I thought he was suggesting 'you know'!

Leo: I'm very disappointed in you Grif, anyway are you going to start counting?

Grif: Fine, but don't look at me while I count because I get nervous. (he turns around and Donut stands up) 1....(Donut runs away)

Leo: Ok you ready Donut? (Turns around to see Donut running) You little shit!

Grif: 2.....(he turns around and sees Donut running) That son of a bitch, he beat me at my own game. Curses!

Leo: Grif we got to move NOW!! (Runs away)

Sheila is heading right at the jeep.

Sheila rams into the jeep, blowing it up and sending Grif and Lopez flying. Lopez yells in surprise of the explosion as he lands in a pool of Grifs Blood. Grif is splatterd on the ground and Sheila is covered by dust and rock lifted by the explosion.

Inside Red Base
Donut runs up to Sarge and Simmons Panting heavily.

Sarge: Good golly Miss Molly! What is going on out there?

Donut: (Panting as he speaks) Sir, the blues are attacking with their tank! They-they blew up the Warthog, again.

Simmons: I wonder what jeeps ever did to those guys.

Donut: Leo, Grif and I just barely had enough time to make it out of there. Right guys? ....uhh, guys?

Leo: (From outside) DONUT!!!

Donut: Oh no.

Leo comes running into the base and up to the group.

Leo: What happened to going on three?!

Donut: I thought you guys were right behind me?

Leo: Well talk about this later, but Grif needs are help now!

Caboose Mind
Church: (to Caboose's mental image of Church) Why the hell did they pair me up with you?

Fake Church: I wanted to keep my eye on you. I don't trust giantic turds trying to steal my best friend, you rimjob!

Church: Well, this is going to be a great trip.

Mental image of Church approaches the ledge overlooking the area

Fake Church: Attention Reds! The great Caboose demands an audience with you! So listen up, you blowjobbing cocksuckers!

Mental image of Simmons appears.

Fake Simmons: Caboose? Oh no, he's come to kill us!

Mental image of Grif appears, wearing yellow armor.

Fake Grif: Would someone please help me, I don't want to die!

Mental image of Leo appears, with his helmet on backwards.

Fake Leo: OH NO!! Is that the voice of Caboose!? Please don't hurt me!!

Mental image of Donut appears, speaking with a girl's voice.

Fake Donut: I love Caboose, and yet I'm so afraid of him!

Mental image of Sarge appears, speaking like a pirate

Fake Sarge: Argh, I be having a southern accent, your luck.

Fake Donut: He's so scary.

Fake Caboose: Fear not reds, I come here not to destroy but instead to ask for your assistance on this day.

Church: Okay whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, I gotta correct a few things I'm hearing here. First of all you (referring to mental image of Church) you're not Caboose's best friend, okay? You don't have a best friend, ya know why? You don't need one! You're Church! Knowing other people just waters down the experience. Live the dream buddy.

Fake Church: Shove it, dick sniffer!

Church: And Caboose, come on dude, seriously. Have you paid attention to our enemies for one second?

Caboose: I beg your pardon?

Church: First of all that guy (referring to Grif) he's not yellow, he's orange. And since when is there a girl on the red team?

Fake Donut: My favorite thing is pretty dresses.

Church: And why is that guys (referring to Leo) helmet on backwards?!

Fake Leo: Where is everyone? I'm afraid of the darkness?!

Fake Sarge: Argh, I got termites in me leg!

Church: And that is not a southern accent.

Fake Sarge: Argh!

Fake Leo: (Walks into a wall) Oww! Who did I bump into?!

Fake Donut: Do you have any tampons?

Church: Seriously, what is the matter with you people?

Tex: Calm down Church.

Fake Grif: Don't kill us Mister Sidekick!

Fake Church: Hey butt brunch! I'm Caboose's sidekick, not him, so shut your pie hole!

Mental image of Church is shot by a sniper and falls off the edge.

Church: Leonard, are you okay?

Fake Church: Ah, please! That fudge finger couldn't hit me. No wait, I'm gonna die. Herg! (collapses) Blow me. (dies)

Tex: There he is!

O'Malley is on a balcony, wearing black armor and holding a sniper and is laughing evily.

Tex: Lets go get him! (she runs off the edge)

Church: Alright, c'mon Caboose, lets go.

Caboose: I am sorry, have we met?

Church: What? It's me Church.

Caboose: I don't seem to have any memory of you. My name is Michael J. Caboose, it's a pleasure to make your aquaintance.

Church: Oh you've got to be freaking kidding me. I just hope Tucker's doing a better job out there getting the reds to turn off their radios.

Red Base
To the real world. Tucker standing on Sheila just outside red base.

Tucker: Goddammit! This isn't going very well at all. You okay Lopez?

Lopez approaches.

Lopez: >Lopez the Heavy is impervious to injury.<

Tucker: Whatever you big showoff. How about you Sheila, you still online?

Sheila: Affirmative.

Tucker: Okay, we should be close enough to hack into their radio frequency. Lopez get inside Sheila and do your business.

Sheila: What?!

Lopez: >I'm getting very sweaty!<

Tucker: Oh my God. Remind me to hose you two off when we get back to base.

To Sarge, Leo, Simmons, and Donut inside red base

Sarge: Well this is a devil of a pickadillo. Leo get on the squawk box and tell command-

Tucker: (over the radio) Red guys, are you there?

Sarge: What in buttery goodness? Who is this?

Tucker: It's me Tucker, I'm one of the blue guys. Look I don't have time to explain, but I need all of you guys to shut off your radios right now.

Leo: Why should we listen to you?

Tucker: Look I don't have enough time to explain so can you guys just-

Sarge: Boy, it'll be a cold day in hell before I take orders from you.

Tucker: Look, it's really important alright? Normally I'd just shoot at you guys and steal your girlfriends but today's different. I need you to trust me on this.

Sarge: Well I may have spoke too soon. That is an interesting and well thought out, not to mention clever and timely I might add, proposition. Simmons, would you care to deliver our rebuttal?

Simmons: (clears throat) Suck it blue!

Donut: Yeah, suck it blue! Now that's what I call an old school zinger. In your face blue dude, in your face!

Leo: Yeah what they said!

Tucker: (sighs) Aw man.

Caboose Mind
Inside Caboose's mind. O'Malley jumps from ledge to ledge laughing evily. Tex and Church are pursuing him.

Tex: Hurry up Church! He's getting away!

Church runs up to Tex.

O'Malley: You'll never catch me!

Church: Come on lets go!

Tex, then Church, hop over a gap and land on the ledge and continue chasing O'Malley.

Red Base
Back to the real world, the blues outside red base.

Tucker: Dammit, these guys are not backing down! Lopez, looks like we're gonna have to go to Plan B.

Lopez exits Sheila and begins to sing a love song, to Sheila.

Sarge: What in Betty's bloomers is on the radio now? Sounds like the feral cry of a retarded Mexican sasquatch!

Simmons: Turn it off, turn it off! Please God make it stop!

Leo: Come on guys it's not that bad.

Donut: Leo gets it, this rules. RULES!

Caboose Mind
Back inside Caboose's head. O'Malley runs into Tex and Church.

O'Malley: Huh?

Church: Alright, O'Malley, this is it. From now on, if anyone makes my girlfriend cranky and psychotic, it's gonna be me.

Tex: Aww, that's sweet.

Church: Shut up, bitch

Tex: Asshole.

O'Malley: Never! The darkness will swallow you whole!

Church: Dead end, O'Malley! You're just one big headache, and I got a whole pistol full of aspirin!

Tex: What?

Church: I got half a mind to kill you,...

Tex: That's ridiculous.

Church:..and the other half agrees!

Tex: Ugh, Church, that's just stupid.

Church: You're about to split,..

Tex: God Church.

Church: ...personality!

Tex: You're just embarrassing yourself.

Church: Psyche!

Red Base
Back to red base. Lopez's love song singing is still going on.

Sarge: That's it, I've had enough, can't take anymore! Everybody, switch off your radios.

Donut: But Sarge-

Sarge: That's an order private.

Donut: Sarge pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.

Sarge: Don't try my patience boy!

Donut: Ah, man!

Leo: Come on Sarge, maybe this can be your chance to appreciate love songs!

Sarge: Leo if you don't turn off your radio, I will cut off your Oreo supplement!!

Leo: Ok, ok!! Let's not do anything drastic ok!

They shut off their radios. Tucker sees this from above and runs over to Sheila and Lopez

Tucker: (giggles with delight) It worked! Hey turn off your radio, quick!

Lopez enters Sheila.

Caboose Mind
Back inside Caboose's head, Tex is aiming her gun at O'Malley.

Tex: Nice knowing you, O'Malley, but payback's a bitch, and so am I.

Church: Wait, Tex, we don't know if Tucker's had enough time.

Tex: There's only one way to find out.

They open fire on O'Malley who's yelling in pain but, then just disappears, making Tex and Church stop firing.

Church: Huh, he just disappeared. I expected like an echoing laugh or the smell of brimstone at least. I don't smell any kind of stone. Don't you think that's weird, Tex? Tex? Tex, where'd you go?

Church: (echoing from Caboose) Tex, where'd you go? How do I get out of here? What happens to O'Malley?

The sound of a radio comes on.

Voice on radio: Come in, Blue Command. Do you read me?

Doc is currently standing on a cliff, calling Blue command.

Doc: This is Medical Officer DuFresne. Is anyone there? Do you read me?

The End
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