Book: Legends and Mysteries: Mangled Murders by Asna_29saqib

Reviewer: creative_maverick_Mo

Title: 

 Good news: It has a unique effect on your audience 

Bad news: It is way too long 

Although your book title gave me the chills by just reading it, it was more than a little too long. I didn't quite understand why the "Legends& Mysteries" part was there because I checked your published works and I couldn't find any sequels to the book. Usually, when people have two parts in their titles, it's because the book belongs to a series but yours doesn't (except you are working on one. Then I would suggest you take out the "Legends and Mysteries" part until you publish it). 

 Also mangled and murder are funny words to put side by side. It's like saying "Incapacitated Mutations". Both words mean almost the same thing so I don't understand the effect you were trying to create with that part of your title (maybe it was an intentional play on words). For future reference, the shorter the title of a book, the better because you want your readers to be able to remember your book title. 

 Blurb: 

Good news: Your blurb was very interesting 

Bad news: It was way too long and also a tad confusing 

The excerpt from the book was too long. A blurb is a 'short' promotional piece accompanying a piece of creative work. The keyword in this instance is 'short' so you can catch the attention of your audience while it's still early because not that many people read blurbs to the end so when your blurb is lengthy, it just turns readers off. 

Now to the issue of the essence of the blurb. I didn't get it. You start with: "Emma thinks this summer is going to be the most exciting..." insert an excerpt and end it with "How terrible one summer can be...?" it came across to me as disconnected. You didn't show the correlation between the 'summary' and the excerpt. Also, the blurb doesn't really tell us much about the book.

My suggestion: "'How can a town so beautiful harbor such a chaotic summer?' are the exact thoughts that run through Emma's mind as she...if only she knew how dramatic this summer would be, she would not have come to Oceanshell in the first place but Emma knew, she knew that was just the lie she told herself so she could feel normal. She knew full well that this summer had been the best time of her life so far....the more she thought about it, the heavier her eyelids became before she eventually succumbed to a peaceful slumber that welcomed dreams of all that had happened that summer" or something like that. Make sure your blurb carries your audience along. 

 Genre: Your book was truly a mystery. You put it in the perfect genre. Good job! 

Cover: Good news: Your cover is nice 

Bad news: It's a bit ordinary 

Your book cover is not bad and it's relevant to your book. However, it does come across as a poster than a book cover. It looks like you just put words on a picture. I understand why the girl is on the cover because she is the main character but she is the focal point of the cover. You need to keep in mind when making a book cover that you want people to be drawn to the title and not the picture on it. Aside from that, I liked the color theme on the cover. Good job overall on this one. 

Plot/Structure: 

I got the vibe that there was one thing you didn't understand about plot development and that thing is INFO DUMPING. Your plot development was a little all over the place. In some moments you were carrying me along pretty well and then in others, you just lost me because you kept talking about irrelevant things. You need to understand that even though you are writing YOUR own book and working on YOUR own idea, there are technicalities involved in the deliverance of a creative piece. 

 Every word, every act, every scene, and every dialogue needs to add value (no matter how little) to the climax and resolution of your book. In the fourth chapter of your book where Emma is trying to calm Chloe down for what Matilda did and they get all mushy with one another-I guessed you were trying to give them a soft moment but I wasn't feeling it at all. It felt unnecessary and it didn't even add anything to the build-up of your plot. 

When Chloe says "Thank you...for always being there" I'm confused because there is nothing in the plot that dictates that Emma has always been there for her because well, it's chapter 4 and we are not even close to the part where the real drama begins. Don't just tell us in random sentences how much they mean to each other, insert it in the plot build-up. 

Your plot seems a bit rushed in chapter five. Where Emma and Chloe are having a conversation about the cut finger saying they can't leave the people in the city like that. Honestly, I don't see why they can't leave. You haven't done much to establish the fact that a relationship exists between them and the people in the town because they just got there. I feel like if you want to establish this narrative, you have to wait a little longer for Chloe and Emma to have a realistic reason to stay because so far, they've made acquaintances, not friends. 

Originality: 

While your book was quite interesting to read, it wasn't that original. It was more than a little cliché. You have Emma, the calm and nice woman who is friends with Chloe who is the dramatic one. Pardon me but Emma seems like Chloe's caretaker. I mean isn't Emma the main character? She is giving me supporting actress vibes (I already asked for your forgiveness. Please don't be pissed). It feels like the whole plot is revolving around Chloe when it's in Emma's point of view which is awkward, to say the least. 

Also, some of the scenes in the book were a bit dramatic and silly. Like when Chloe goes off on Matilda for sitting in her seat and she yells "you'll have to pay..." yeah that was a bit much, don't you think? It made the scene silly. After that, they have this sweet moment that is cringingly cliché and adds absolutely nothing to the development of your plot. Also, how is 'The Rich Couple' fierce? From all I've gathered, they are just spoiled rich people so I don't understand why Chloe is so pissed. Isn't she supposed to be an adult? Please make her act like one. 

Grammar/Vocabulary: 

Your diction choice in some instances was wrong. For instance, in the second chapter when Oliver requests to join in on Chloe's and Emma's exploration, he says "may I accompany you, if you don't mind?" that question sounds a little childish. 

Something like "Oh. Let me escort you both. I have some errands to run in town plus you two don't know Oceanshell as much as I do. If you don't mind, that is" is better worded. 

There were also quite a number of grammatical errors in the first chapter. For instance, when Chloe is telling Emma that they're going to go on a vacation: "No, we are going somewhere...I'll come up with some places till dinner...then we'll choose the best," 

First of all, you end a sentence with a full stop (this is most likely just a typographical error you can fix yourself during your first edit). Also, the sentence sounds chaotic and confusing. A better way: "No! We are definitely going on a vacation and that's that. I should have some options on vacation destinations by dinner so we can choose one. You better start packing your bags missy." Or something like that. You don't have to follow this guideline. There were other mistakes in your book but it's nothing good editing can't fix. 

I don't really tell people to fret about their grammatical errors because you can always get a good editor that will work hand-in-hand with you to revise your book with you. So don't worry, let all your ideas flow out and then edit it one chapter after the other. Take your time.

Description/Expression: 

Your expression wasn't bad but it requires a little work. You have to take into serious consideration that the tone of the dialogues you create in your book contributes to the character development of your characters. The way Chloe talks to Emma and everyone around her gives your audience an idea of who she is and what her personality is like. The way Emma expresses herself tells me whether she is shy or outspoken. 

 If you tell me she is outspoken in your narration you have to prove that in the dialogues she has with people but in your book, I couldn't really pinpoint who was who. Chloe sounded like Emma most times and vice versa. Like I said earlier, it wasn't bad but some touching up will make your book even more interesting. 

 Also, you didn't give me any description as to what either woman looked like. I am currently in the fourth chapter and the only thing I know is that Chloe has long ash brown hair and Chloe isn't even the main character! 

 First things to do when writing a book: i) get enough food to snack on because mental work makes people hungry ii) Describe your characters (not a way that is overly obvious but give us an idea of what they look like-eye color, body build, body frame, skin color, nationality?). You can also lay emphasis on a particular thing e.g.: "Emma always found it weird that she had the bluest eyes in the family"...later on you can describe the eyes again in another scene like: "she stared down at him and waited for him to look into her strangely blue eyes" 

Give your characters a physical definition. Give your audience enough material to paint a vivid picture but remember: DO NOT INFO DUMP. 

iii) Relax because you deserve it. Writing takes courage 

Overall Enjoyment: 

Your book wasn't bad at all. It just needs a few tweaks here and there. I enjoyed reading it really. Thanks for choosing me to be your reviewer. I'm so sorry it came late. My suggestion: work together with a good editor and get your book reviewed again. I promise you after that, your book will be in better shape than it is right now. It'll almost be (whispers huskily) "perfect" N.B.: These are my suggestions, you don't have to listen to me (I suck anyway)