**TRIGGER WARNING** Depiction of an anxiety disorder. Mention of physical abuse. Reader discretion is advised.

One day I awoke

Not knowing where I was

Here's a key, I was told

This man's chest holds the lock

Plunge it in, turn it fast

Is my life more than another's?

Beyond the door I start to see

Angels, oh my, can it be?

A forest of bone trees

There's something wrong here

Headdress slipping down

Necks wrapped in golden halo's

Maelstrom found in the gallows

Eyeing the stalking shadows

Desperate for which I lost

Bitter Hell in my hand

It's coming up quickly

Brimstone drags me to the attic

Angel's blood splattered paint

I have to get out of here

How to leave a place of your own design?

Especially one so immaculate, divine

I didn't mean to kill him

I take it back

Please take me back

To where the cat's not chasing

To where the voices aren't calling

Where claws aren't clawing

Please take me back

I'll never unlock the chest

Please take me back

To where I realized

Nothing is worth this

Please take me back

Take away my fear

Take me back

But you're calling me, dear

Will I be deaf

Take me back

I don't want to be here 

Anymore

--The song Reaction, lyrics by Orion Bauwens

Touring

We, in fact, did buy the damn bus. Saturn Mutants ended up not partaking in serious touring for two years though. It was a mixture of things--we wanted to focus on recording albums; we all were still living at home...

If I'm going to be honest though, we were scared shitless to start touring. It was a big step. And even though we had established ourselves as a serious rock band early on, we still wanted to make a solid name for ourselves before we did any touring.

Before we set out on tour, we had started getting used to life at EMI. It was easy; wake up, eat breakfast, drive myself and Orion to EMI (my parents had begrudgingly lent me the car I had been driving before I got kicked out). Spend the day either working on an album or strategizing with Gloria.

But now we were on our first tour. Even though Gloria insisted she was the type of person who could sleep anywhere, we gave her the bed that first night. After a lot of arm twisting she obliged. It was a good thing, because none of us could sleep.

We were heading out to the east coast. From there we were going to snake our way back to Michigan and play a few gigs there. We were told after that we would discuss Our Future. That sounded terrifying, so I tried not to think about it much. I decided that was future Jake's problem.

"Where do you think we are?" Ben asks, staring out the window at the highway lights as they whiz past us in the dark.

"Still in Michigan," I tell him. "Michigan is a big fucking state, dude."

Orion hasn't said anything for about an hour. We're all in different seats. I go up on my knees and peak at him.

He's sitting, resting his chin in his palm, staring blankly outside. I cock my head to the side. "You okay?"

"Yeah," he says. "Just thinking."

Ben gets up on his knees, too. "About what?"

He pauses. "This is all just... overwhelming."

"Yeah, it is," I say.

"I'm a little scared," Ben admits.

Orion looks at him. "You are?"

"Yeah," Ben replies with a shrug. "I've never been outside of Michigan. This will be the longest I've ever been away from home. Like Ori said, it's overwhelming."

Orion smiles faintly. "It's nice at the same time, too..." He closes his eyes. "It's exhilarating. It's like for the first time in my life I'm...free."

After that Ben and I go quiet, allowing Orion to bask in his newfound freedom.

~

The tour goes off without a hitch. We're shocked when most of the shows are sold out--yet another achievement unique to us. Of course it's not all fun and games. If anything, we're surprised how hard it is. By the third night we're utterly exhausted, and we have a full day of interviews ahead of us.

Orion continues to be as connected as he can with the crowds. I don't know how he does it. The jarring transition, going from mild mannered High School student to a rockstar that performs in front of thousands of people...

Ben was right, it's scary. But it's also the best. I just keep on wondering when I'm going to wake up.

Luckily I don't. Every day is a dream come true. Every day is seeing places I never thought I'd see. Every day is filled with new experiences. New landscapes, new tows, new cities. New stretches of highway I've only ever read about in books.

My life has become learning about what happens behind the scenes. How small--or gigantic--some studios are. Being on the other side of a news station. Seeing how weird it looks, being on the set of a show I've watched countless times, and realizing that everything the viewer doesn't see is rather...underwhelming. Boring, even. Just equipment and people in a plain room. It takes away some of the magic about TV, that's for sure.

This has become our life. I try to keep tabs on Ben and Orion--especially Orion. They both are fine though. With the first week of touring wrapped, we've fallen into a routine, and this type of life is starting to feel normal. 

Sometimes the air feels a little thin, and a certain panic of disbelief settles into my pores...But usually I resolve that with getting everyone to play some poker, or I listen to music, or go into the bedroom in back and play some guitar. It's not bad.

Unfortunately this routine we've settled into begins to jar out of place. The closer we get back to Michigan the more I begin to notice a subtle change in Orion. He seems--agitated. Jumpy. It happens more often where I catch him just staring at nothing out the window, thumb planted firmly in his mouth, gnawing away at it. I want to ask him what's got him so worked up, but I know it wouldn't do anything.

Him and I have done what Gloria suggested before the tour. We haven't talked about kissing each other. What we said in front of her is what was said on the matter. In my mind it's a dead issue. And, to be perfectly honest, that romance in my head is dead, too.

I've come to realize that having those thoughts rattling inside my head, and having all that pent up energy in my heart, was toxic. A romantic relationship wasn't going to work; I had been sick and Gloria was my cure. So, since everything had gone back to normal between him and I, I could only assume he was approaching the situation the same way I was.

Taking that into consideration, I had no idea what was eating at him. That is, until we were backstage at our first performance back in Michigan. We all stood behind the curtain, only about a minute before we were due to go on. I grinned at Ben like I always do. But when I looked at Orion, that grin quickly vanished.

"Woah, are you okay?"

Orion is pale, shaking, and sweating. Ben looks at him in worry, too.

"You don't look so good," Ben tells him. "Are you sick?"

"I--"

Before he can get any more words out, Orion sticks his hand out, leans heavily against one of the metal support beams of the stage, and gets noisily sick. Ben jumps back. Gloria comes rushing over.

"Orion!"

"S-sorry," Orion says, still shaking.

I rub his back. "Shit--did you eat something?"

"I don't--I don't think so..."

Gloria rushes back over with a bottle of water. Some crew members rush over. We all urge Orion to sit.

"I feel weird," he says in a breathy voice, on account he's gasping.

"Do you not want to perform?" Gloria asks him gently.

"I do--just--just give me a minute, please."

"Are you sure?" Ben asks him worriedly.

"Yeah, I just--my hands are all tingly and I feel light headed," Orion tells us. "I'll be fine. Just--just give me a little while."

A couple of minutes pass. The crowd has started to chant "Saturn" over and over. Still Orion is on the ground, taking sips from his bottle of water every so often. Occasionally I rub his back. Gloria checks in with him every so often, making sure he still wants to go on with the concert. Every time Orion insists he wants to.

We finally take the stage ten minutes late. On the one hand I feel bad, but on the other hand I've been to concerts myself where the band takes the stage a little late. C'est la vivre.

The show goes on perfectly. You'd never know that Orion wasn't feeling well. And the audience didn't know that afterwards, almost the second he was out of eyesight, the same thing happens with Orion puking and sitting on the ground for a while.

When we got back on the bus Gloria urged him to take it easy in the bedroom. But not even an hour later he emerged, saying he felt fine. However, the next day at the next venue, the exact same thing happened.

Gloria theorized it was nerves since no one else was sick. Gloria pressed him to cancel a show ("You're so young and so new, I shouldn't have booked so many shows at first"). He absolutely refused ("It was only twelve shows, it's fine. We only have two more to go.").

All Michigan shows went down like that. We were all relieved, for Orion's sake, that the tour was over. You can imagine our surprise when Orion called us into EMI the next day.

"Damn, dude," Ben said with a laugh, sitting down at the conference table along with myself and Gloria. "You're a slave driver."

"How are you feeling?" Gloria asks worriedly.

"Fine, thanks. And it'll be quick, I promise," Orion assures us. He then looks at Gloria. "Per our contract, three-hundred thousand dollars has been allocated towards video production."

Gloria grabs her tablet immediately, beginning to pull things up. "Correct..."

"We are not making music videos."

"It's not only music videos," she replies, "it goes towards recording interviews, staging interviews, etc."

"Shouldn't that fall under promotional funds?"

"No."

"Could we shift the funds to make it fall under that umbrella?"

Gloria raises her eyebrow. "Where are you going with this, Orion?"

"I want to use the funds that would go towards video production to be allocated for room and board instead."

She looks confused. "There is no room and board advance in your contract."

"I know. I want to make one."

She frowns. "I'm sorry, but that's not how this works. You already signed the contract--"

Orion folds his hands on the table and looks directly at her. "Gloria, can I be frank with you? I feel like I can. We just spent a few weeks together in the close confines of a bus, and we've known each other for two years now."

"Of course."

When Orion speaks, it's still in Business Orion mode. But his eyes show the depth of his emotional need. "I can't fucking live in Michigan anymore. I hate it. I hate my parents, I hate the life I've had here, and I just can't do it anymore. It's too fucking hard for me and I want out."

Gloria looks caught off guard, but remains silent.

"I fell in love with Vermont. It's quaint, it's quiet. I was looking at real estate while we were there. There are some really nice houses that the three of us could get with three hundred thousand dollars. We simply do not have the funds right now. Yeah, we're popular, but we're still new. We only made a few thousand dollars on this tour. Our pay bracket is low."

Gloria is giving him a sympathetic look.

"Now, I don't want you to do anything illegal. That's not what I'm asking you. I need you to go to whoever you need to go to at EMI and present this to them."

"I don't..." Gloria starts to say, but then sighs. "See, the thing with contracts having these advances isn't to give you the lifestyle you want right off the bat."

Orion narrows his eyes. "I know that."

"I know you know that--but from EMI's perspective, they're going to see you wanting to spend the money that should be going to building your brand towards living a swanky lifestyle."

Orion's business exterior drops and his face crumples, biting his lip. "Can't...can't I ask them for a regular advance then?"

Gloria pauses. She glances at me and Ben. "Orion...can I have a word with you? In private?"

"Whatever you need to ask me, you can ask in front of them."

"I'm not--I'm not sure I can--"

"Just ask. I promise you, it's fine." He chuckles. "You're HR, too, right?"

"What's going on? Why do you want to leave so badly? Are you okay?"

"No. My dad bullies and beats me, and my mom could care less. I can't take it anymore."

I'm shocked at his boldness. As though reading my mind, he continues.

"I normally don't talk about it because it's embarrassing and I hate it. But not only do I trust you, Gloria, but we're going to be spending a lot of time together from here on out. I don't see a point of hiding things from you."

This...is not like the Orion I've come to know.

"Did you go to the authorities?"

Orion bites his bottom lip and shakes his head. Gloria sighs sadly.

"And there's not a point now--I'm twenty."

Gloria stands up, goes to Orion, and pulls him into a hug. He blushes immediately. After a moment she plants a kiss on the top of his head and smiles down at him. "I'll see what I can do, okay? No promises though."

He smiles up at her. "No promises."