"Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now I need a place to hide away."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For the first time in a week, the storm had broken this morning, but Bell felt like the whipping winds and sleeting rain had transferred from the outdoors to her mind. Soon after she'd finished explaining to her friends what had happened while they were away or unconscious (with the exception of James, who she'd already talked to about it earlier), Madam Pomfrey had come into the Hospital Wing and ushered all of them, excluding Sirius, back to their dorms. For once, Bell was glad for the lack of her best friend's company, as it gave her a chance to forcibly store away her confusing thoughts in the back of her mind before classes started. She was already tired from her infrequent, troubled sleep last night and she didn't want to be further distracted by the weight on her heart.

First period was combined Transfiguration with Ravenclaw for Bell, in which she was assigned to sit with Pandora, and the dreamy chatter of her seatmate combined with the particularly difficult spell Professor McGonagall was teaching today was a welcome respite from Bell's thoughts. Second was Care of Magical Creatures, third came Potions, fourth was Muggle Studies (in which Bell had to fend off questions as to where Sirius was, as he always sat next to her in this class), and so on and so forth until four pm, when Bell left a History of Magic class that was so unbelievably boring, she was interested in its subject.

Not knowing if Sirius had been released from the care of the Hospital Wing yet, Bell hesitated outside the door to Professor Binns' classroom. She decided she'd go to the kitchens instead, and with a decisive nod to herself, she started on her way, nodding with a slight smile at Regulus Black when she passed him in the hall, and she was glad when he, after a look of surprise crossed his face, returned the nod, though minus the smile. It was a good thing Bellatrix Lestrange wasn't there, Bellamy noted and unconsciously gritted her teeth and narrowed her gaze in such a way three Hufflepuff first years gave her a wide berth as they walked past her with wide eyes, or else the Gryffindor girl would surely have gotten detention for the rest of the year considering what she wanted to do to that wicked, wicked-

Bell reached out to tickle the pear in the portrait that hid the entrance to the kitchens and reluctantly cut off her own train of thought lest she frighten the house elves like she'd spooked those first years a minute earlier. She had to duck to fit down the wide steps in the passageway, but the smells of cooking food drew her forward and when she arrived and was able to stand up fully, a smile came to her face. After she was greeted by no less than twelve house elves in the first few seconds of her being there, Bell asked for something simple to eat and a quiet place to think, and considering that most of them knew her from the Marauders' frequent visits here, they gladly complied.

Barely two minutes later, Bell found herself in an alcove just off the main kitchen where whole casks of pumpkin juice were kept in tightly-packed rows. She was sitting on top of one of these wooden containers, and since this particular one was close to the wall, she was leaned back against the cold stone with her legs pulled up toward her chest. She rested her chin on her knees or leaned her head back against the wall and nibbled at the warm half-loaf of baguette one of the friendliest house elves had brought her as she finally allowed herself to start thinking about the things she'd been avoiding all day.

She first had to take into consideration her tight-knit friendship with Sirius Black. They'd known each other for over six years and had been best friends for most of that time. In that time, she'd grown to care for him, she knew that, and she'd believed they'd have each other through thick and thin. He was always there for her and vice versa; even if they didn't always voice it to each other, their bond was strong and it would be hard for anyone, including them, to break. And for these past six years, Bell had always thought of Sirius as just that, her best friend. She'd always tolerated his heartbreaker behavior and had sometimes encouraged relationships with girls she'd thought he might actually stay with for a while, though that had never happened and he'd continued to jump from fling to fling like a flirtatious breeze, especially during their fifth year.

Bell swallowed a bite of bread as she reflected on that time. Sirius really had been a flirt then, hadn't he? Marlene and he had messed around a lot during the later months of that year, she recalled, though they'd never really started dating. A small smile came to her face when she remembered the time Professor McGonagall had walked past a broom closet while talking with Bell and had abruptly yanked it open to send Sirius and Marlene tumbling out onto the floor, their clothes disheveled and blushing. Even the playboy himself couldn't flirt his way out of a week's detentions with that one.

Now that she thought about it further, she realized at the start of sixth year, whatever their relationship had been had all but disappeared over the summer and they were just friends, and had been ever since. Bell frowned. She told herself she didn't know why, but now, a sneaking suspicion started to creep up around the corners of her mind and she gave a shaky sigh. This was the part she'd been anxious about all day. 

Did she really think of Sirius just as her friend?

Bell groaned and one of the house elves hurried over, asking in a high-pitched voice what was wrong. "Nothing, thank you, though. Just my thoughts." The house elf seemed satisfied with this answer and went on her way. 'Nothing' was far from it, but she knew she had to face her feelings sooner than later, and she had the time and reason to do so now, so here goes.

Bell began her reflections by remembering the first three years of being Sirius' friend. The laughs and fun from that time brought a smile to her face. She missed the relative simplicity of those days, when most things were light-hearted and drama and dating were of no concern to the five friends. Then Marlene moved dorms into Bell and Lily's and the three of them had grown closer and become friends with the Marauders in fourth year. The world started to darken with rumors of a terrible man, a second Grindlewald, some said, and over the summer between fourth and fifth year, things really changed. Everyone in their friend group came back looking and feeling more grown-up than before. Crushes started to grow into something more. Sirius and Marlene 'experimented' a lot, James' crusade to win the love of his dear Lilyflower grew to wild extremes, Peter dealt with bad acne all that year, Remus admitted to Bell and only Bell that he was crushing hard on a Ravenclaw named Persephone Vidal, and Bell herself struggled with acceptance of her changing body and self-doubt.

Sixth year, on the other hand, was busy academically for pretty much everyone, and all the drama and chaos of fifth year seemed silly to the group of friends. Marlene and Sirius broke off whatever their relationship was supposed to be, James toned down his endeavors to (sort of- he was just less public about it) get Lily to go out with him, Peter took much better care of his skin, and Remus tried to ignore his feelings for Persephone to focus on his schoolwork and getting the best grades he could so he'd at least have a fighting chance at getting a job (though he wouldn't tell Bell why he was so concerned over his employment after Hogwarts). And Bell? She learned to like herself through the support and love of her friends. All in all, it was a good year, better by far than fifth, and there were a few memories that came to Bell's mind in this particular moment.

Bell teaching Sirius how to make Origami cranes, and when he succeeds after many tries, he smiles so brightly at her she can't help but grin back.

Sirius helping Bell study for an upcoming History of Magic test, his head on her lap as he enchants the textbook to float above his face, and when she finally gets all the answers right, he seems genuinely happy for her, even when he fails his Transfiguration test the next day because he used his studying time to help Bell instead.

Bell and Sirius having discussions that range from the ridiculousness of the pet rock fad to how James truly loves Lily and how it hurts him little by little each time she turns him down. The conversations usually happen on the couch right in front of the fireplace in the Gryffindor common room at night when most other students have gone to bed.

Sirius and Bell assisting James in orchestrating a fake proposal to Lily on April Fools' day and then Sirius revealing his own prank proposal to Bell at the same moment as James. Though Bell knows it's a joke, she still blushes and pretends to accept his proposal, and he picks her up and spins her around, shouting to the whole Great Hall, "I'M GETTING MARRIIIEEEED" as Lily proceeds to push away James, trying desperately not to join in Sirius and Bell's laughter but unable to keep the corners of her mouth from quirking up into a smile.

Sirius telling Bell he's so glad she's in his life, how smart and funny and kind she is, that she deserves the world, that he thinks she's just amazing, a hundred times over in little moments throughout the year, a different compliment each time.

Sirius asking Bell to go to one of Slughorn's parties with him, even though neither have been invited, and then together throwing their own mini-party in the Marauders' dorm room with just the two of them dancing and drinking firewhiskey for hours on end.

Sirius kissing Bell's cheek under the mistletoe on Christmas Eve, thanking her completely sincerely for being such a wonderful friend, then Bell returning the kiss and replying the same, her heart warmed both by his words and the copious amounts of hot chocolate she's had that night.

How hadn't she seen it before? Bell blinked away tears of mixed exhaustion and confusion as she finished off the baguette. Everything he did for her, all the things he'd said he appreciated her for, the way he was always giving up study time to help or just talk to her- it raised feelings in Bell she was only now realizing she'd been unintentionally keeping from herself for the past year. She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath, then let it out. Too shaky. She tried again, and her exhale came out steadier. She repeated this until she'd settled her nerves, then finally opened her eyes and stared at nothing in particular and yet everything in the pumpkin juice cask room as she finally admitted it to herself:

She had a crush on her best friend. A very, very strong crush.

And Merlin help her, she had no idea what to do about it.