cry for me ; this is a draft of mine that i don't wanna keep anymore tbh but i don't wanna give it in my plot shop so i'm gonna it here!! and it's also in my misc book so if you think about stealing it 🔪 this is a montage of moments and idk what i'm doing lmao
— denial is not just a river in egypt. also it might not make sense bc i have ideas in my head but i didn't wanna reveal them all so.

❝ when i'm lying wide awake, you're probably sleeping
and maybe what i'm thinking is wrong ❞

"WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER?"

Cordelia shrugged, fidgeting with the zipper of the jacket.

"I remember . . . my name's Cordelia Jade D'Amore," she said. "I'm the daughter of Neptune — um, Poseidon. I kinda remember my mom, Ivy. And I know I have more family: my brothers Knox and Tatum, my sister Winter, Everest Rosewood, my, um, stepdad. And Rosie's really nice."

"The girl that talked to you at the campfire?" asked Jason. Cordelia didn't know why he wanted to know so badly. They weren't even close — at least, that's what her gut feeling says. Maybe they were friends, but she was uncomfortable telling him this.

And, honestly, she didn't remember much. What she'd told him was basically what Rosie, her ancestor apparently, had told her. Well, besides for her name, because she'd known that, and she knew her godly parent because . . . well, she'd showed it off to the entire camp at the campfire.

Except for one girl. Cordelia tried not to think about her. But it was hard, especially after that dream she'd had down in that sewer in Chicago.

Gods, what was that? It gave her a headache even though she was barely thinking of it. That voice . . . it sounded so familiar, fitting right along with the images in her head of a girl with dark, braided hair and dark eyes.

Her head throbbed in pain. Maybe she shouldn't be thinking about this too hard.

"You grow attachments when you're apart," Rosie had told her. "With the person you love most in the world. I passed it down your bloodline, I apologize."

Cordelia didn't know anything about her bloodline, but she felt a sense of dread at those words.

She elected to ignore it. "Yeah. She's apparently my ancestor."

She couldn't see Jason's reaction since she was sitting in front of him. "Your ancestor?"

"Mhm. She's immortal. And a goddess."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Nothing else?"

She hesitated. Then she said, "no."

"Cordelia." His voice had a suspicious edge to it.

"I don't!" she protested. "I—"

Luckily, she got to avoid that situation because Festus stopped in midair and started dropping to the ground.

* * *

Seeing Thalia had given Cordelia a name to the face she constantly saw in her mind: Reyna. Reyna, Reyna, Reyna.

Cordelia didn't know if she felt worse or better having that information, but she didn't really have much time to think about it after their walk up to Aeolus's palace. That place was a rollercoaster of things happening, so much so that she'd forgotten all about Reyna. Especially after Aeolus had given her a family heirloom that had apparently blown away from the wind a long time ago.

But then he'd betrayed them, and then they'd started falling, and Cordelia had blacked out.

Admittedly, she hadn't wanted to sleep ever since the first dream she'd had, with Reyna's voice coming through a wall, yelling and pleading. Cordelia was scared that was going to happen again. Whatever Rosie had said about attachments scared the shit out of Cordelia.

But it was too late now, and when she opened her eyes she was in a bedroom.

This isn't right, was her first thought. There's no way she would've gone from falling in a pit to a bedroom. Nothing worked that way. At least, that's the lesson she's learned over the past two or so days.

But the bed under her was comfortable, far more comfortable than the sewer she'd slept in, or Festus's back ( uh, no offense, Festus ). There was nothing else in the room besides a light on the ceiling. And a door. But Cordelia wasn't inclined to get up and see where it led.

Funny, she hadn't seen this room when she'd last slept. But she was glad it was here now.

She took a deep breath in and relaxed for the first time in two days. She felt like she always had to be on her guard around Leo, Piper, and especially Jason. Funny, since they're supposed to be friends. But between not dying and trying to figure out who she is, she couldn't afford to look like she didn't have her shit together.

Suddenly, the door opened, and Cordelia flinched, sitting up and pulling the sheets over her body instinctively, probably to protect herself. Her guard immediately went up as she locked eyes with a girl with dark eyes and dark braided hair.

"Dede," the girl — Reyna, Cordelia knew it, somewhere in her gut — breathed out. "It is actually you."

"Uh . . ." Cordelia couldn't look at her. The nickname did something to her that she didn't know if she liked it or not. "That's me. Cordelia."

"Where are you? What happened to you? You're here," Reyna's fingers came into Cordelia's field of view, reaching out for her.

"I don't—" Cordelia scooted away. "Who are you?"

The silence that stretched between them caused Cordelia to finally look at Reyna. She had a crestfallen expression, one that hurt to look at.

"I'm your girlfriend," she said slowly. "Remember?"

Cordelia shook her head. "I don't even remember who I am," she said. "I'm sorry. Jason was actually in the same situation with Piper—"

"Wait," Reyna interrupted. "Jason's with you?"

"Yeah. He's, uh . . . he's in the same boat as I am," said Cordelia. "Juno — uh, Hera, I mean, took both our memories or something, I don't know."

"Juno's right," Reyna frowned at her. "Dede, where are you? I can come find you, and you can come home."

"I don't know," Cordelia said, and she felt a little hazy. Looking down at her body, she found that she was, in fact, see-through. And she could hear noises that definitely weren't coming from anything in the dream. "Am I waking up?"

"You can't!" Reyna reached out and touched her, grabbing her arms despite Cordelia being literally see-through. "Stay with me, Dede. Please. You can't . . . you can't leave again."

But it was too late. Cordelia woke up, the lasting impact of Reyna's grip on her arms firmly stuck with her.

* * *

Cordelia felt weird at Camp Half-Blood.

They loved her. They loved her for surviving the quest, for being a hero and saving Jun — Hera. Even if Cordelia didn't do much, in her opinion.

And most importantly, they loved her for being a daughter of Poseidon. Cordelia didn't remember being loved for that. She remembered being marginalized for that at Camp Jupiter.

She spent a lot of her time alone, mainly because Leo was always working on the Argo II and she didn't feel that comfortable around Piper and Jason. She helped out with things when other people asked her to, but otherwise she was alone. And she was happy about that, because her mind was a rollercoaster of emotions.

Today was different.

"Cordelia," greeted a familiar voice.

Cordelia looked up from the journal she was writing in to see Rosie.

"Oh, hi," she said, her heart skipping a beat. "You scared me."

Rosie's laugh was melodious as she sat across from Cordelia. "Apologies. I wanted to check up on you, see how you're adjusting."

Cordelia shrugged. "It's been fine. A little hard, but that's to be expected."

She realized her journal was still open and closed it, tapping her fingers on the cover. "You visited me before, haven't you? In Camp Jupiter?"

Rosie's gaze flickered with concern. Cordelia also noted that it became more guarded. "Cordelia, you have to understand that I can't tell you a lot. The division of Rome and Greece is still there, even if you're here. And I don't know if your mind can handle it."

"What's one more thing?" asked Cordelia rhetorically. "But I've definitely seen you before today and the campfire."

"Yes," answered Rosie. "But, Cordelia, you know you can talk to me about anything. I'll probably understand."

Probably? Cordelia frowned, before realizing why. She's heard around that Rosie's been with the camp for a long time, hung around Annabeth and Percy Jackson especially. Apparently Rosie fought in the first Giant War, and that had caused her to have to stay in a demigod's body. Despite this, she's still immortal and roaming the earth. Cordelia wondered about what horrors she's seen throughout her years.

"That attachment thing you told me about . . ." Cordelia started. Rosie had said that she could tell her anything. And what else to tell her than the thing that she'd literally passed down to her?

"Ah," said Rosie. "I meant to warn you about that on your sixteenth birthday, but with you losing your memories and coming here and going on that quest . . . and I was sent on a mission so I couldn't come by until now."

"I'm sixteen?"

"Since November tenth."

Cordelia's frown deepened. "Well, happy belated sweet sixteen to me."

Rosie laughed, and Cordelia wondered how she wasn't so cynical. Though maybe that was just Cordelia. "I have never understood why mortals celebrate that year in particular. But, anyway, what's going on with your attachment?"

"I've been seeing this girl in my dreams," Cordelia rubbed her eyes. "And it's, like, really uncomfortable."

"Why is it uncomfortable?"

"I feel like I shouldn't love her, but I do." Cordelia admitted, staring down at her journal, where she'd poured out all of her thoughts about Reyna. And it hadn't helped with her confusion at all. "You said it's with the person I love the most, right?"

"Yes," Rosie nodded. "Your subconscious links with the person who you love the most. When you're apart, you dream together. The good thing about that is that you don't have any of the demigod nightmares when you're apart."

"And the bad part is that I don't know who she is," Cordelia said glumly.

Rosie raised her eyebrows at Cordelia. "Is that the bad part?"

Cordelia let out a bitter snort. "So far, I can't find a good side to having this."

Rosie smiled apologetically. "Yeah, sorry about that. Perks of being a love goddess. But you have it different from the rest."

From the rest . . . the rest of Cordelia's ancestors? She wondered how they would've dealt with it. Certainly not how she was.

"I look at her, and I don't know who she is," Cordelia put her head in her hands, pulling on her hair. "And I don't know what to do. She just keeps . . . hounding me. I can't tell her who she is. I can't even tell her who I am! And I can't tell her where I am . . . right? That's, like, breaking the rules or whatever. Which is stupid, because my existence right now is breaking that rule."

Rosie smiled wryly. "I don't make the rules," she said. "I don't actually know if you're not allowed, per se. No one can access those dreams except for you and your loved one. No one would know. Well, maybe I could, if I concentrated. But this division . . ." her smile faded. "I have to concentrate more on not revealing my Roman self in this camp. Even if everyone already knows that it exists."

"Oh . . ." Cordelia looked around. There were some campers milling around, some staring at Rosie, starstruck. "Should we go somewhere more private? In case you, uh—"

Rosie laughed politely. "No, we can stay here, but I appreciate it. It's not all bad, just a little headache. Persuasion and seduction are the same whether Roman or Greek. Though I guess the Greeks were more subtle while the Romans were more harsh, which is causing the pain."

Cordelia looked at her, puzzled, before deciding to let it slide. She had enough going on in her brain. "If you say so."

"I have my own resources to talk about my pain, but I appreciate it nonetheless." Rosie went into her purse and brought out some makeup, touching up little details. "Tell me more about your attachment."

"About what?"

"Anything, if you like."

Cordelia stared at her hands, wondering what to say. She had too many things to talk about, but she couldn't find the words.

"I hate her," she blurted. "I hate Reyna."

Rosie's eyeliner scratched across her eyelid. "Why?"

"I feel like I should hate her." Cordelia decided to ignore the makeup mishap that Rosie was having. "Something . . . I don't know. The memory's out of reach. I've been trying to get it for awhile, but I can't."

"That's okay," Rosie assured her. "Hera still hasn't given you your memories back. I would if I could access them, but . . ."

"I know, breaking the rules isn't allowed," Cordelia sighed. "And I hate her for not listening. I still haven't told her about the quest because she keeps talking at me, not to me. I feel like I haven't talked about anything meaningful in any dream I've had with her. She doesn't even know why these dreams are happening."

"And you want to tell her why you two are together in those dreams?"

Cordelia grimaced, and Rosie sent her a knowing look. "No. Definitely not. But it's just . . . I don't know. And what I feel for Reyna herself is confusing me."

"Yeah?"

"It's not love. It can't be love." Cordelia said, sounding absolutely sure of it. However, the emotional part of her said something different. "But . . ."

She didn't know what to say. Instead of saying anything, she let out a yawn.

Rosie's concerned gaze bored into her. "You haven't been sleeping, have you? Trying to avoid Reyna?"

"Can you blame me?" asked Cordelia. "She gives me a headache while I'm sleeping. It's actually incredible. And I just . . . I can't deal with her every night."

"When's the last time you went to sleep, Cordelia?"

"Three days ago?" she frowned. "Four? I don't know. I think I've started hallucinating, which isn't a good sign. I think."

Rosie sighed. "Mortals." She stood up and walked around the table. "Let's go, Cordelia."

"But I don't want to see her again."

"I know, but you'll have to see her eventually. And you can tell me why you don't want to see her on our way."

Cordelia groaned in protest, but let Rosie help her up and lead her to the Nep — Poseidon cabin. This wasn't her camp. She wasn't allowed to call anything by their Roman names here.

"It's not love," repeated Cordelia. "I can't feel love for her if I don't know who she is. But when I think about her, about our past . . ."

She didn't want to say it. She knew it was love, what she'd felt for Reyna. Deep, shameless, unabashed love.

But she also felt fear. She was scared of this love, of what it would do to her. Of what it was doing to her. But she couldn't tell if the origin of the fear was from her memories or from her present self, because despite her last name, Cordelia D'Amore was not well-versed with love. In fact, she ran away from it at first sight.

"She says she loves me, but I think she's lying."

Rosie had a small sort of knowing smile on her face.

"What?" Cordelia was immediately defensive.

"Nothing," said Rosie. "You remind me of someone, that's all."

"Of who?"

"Oh, you know her," Rosie said casually. "Another blonde haired girl, completely lovesick and in denial of her feelings for a long time."

I'm not in denial, Cordelia wanted to say, but her mind went to how Annabeth and Rosie had casually interacted before Rosie had whisked Cordelia away. "Annabeth?"

"If you can't talk to me, you should talk to her," Rosie advised. "She'd understand. And she likes you. Especially since you're her boyfriend's sister."

Cordelia would've winced at the mention of Percy Jackson had they not stopped. She blinked, and after a few moments realized that they weren't in front of the Poseidon cabin. "Uh, this isn't my cabin."

Rosie smiled at her, amusement dancing in her eyes. "No, actually, this is my cabin. You can use it whenever you want."

"Kind of redundant, isn't it?" Cordelia noticed. "Considering I already have my own cabin."

Rosie sent her a knowing glance, then nudged her up the steps. "Go to sleep, Cordelia. I may be in a demigod's body, but I have serious power."

"Alright, alright," Cordelia started up the steps, but she turned to Rosie. "Thanks. For everything."

Rosie smiled. "Of course. You've always been one of my favorites, Cordelia. Just make sure to stop and smell the flowers occasionally."

* * *

Cordelia was in her room, working on her latest puzzle with music playing in the background when someone knocked on her door.

"Come in," she said, looking up to see Percy hovering at her door.

"I can come in, right?" he asked, looking around her room.

"Yeah," she said. "Close the door. The music's loud."

He nodded, shutting the door. "You, uh . . . going to sleep anytime soon?"

Cordelia snorted. "Gods, no. What? Did Annabeth send you to tell me to sleep?"

"Well," he scratched at the back of his neck. "To an extent. I told her I wanted to talk to you, so she showed me which one was your room. And told me to tell you to sleep."

"If you see her when you leave, tell her I'm not going to sleep." She turned back to her puzzle, frowning in concentration as she looked for the edge piece she wanted.

"Why not?" asked Percy. "I'm so tired after today. It's been a long day."

"Yeah . . . it has," she said, zoning out for a moment and thinking of Reyna, seeing her face in person, the betrayal on her face when Cordelia had said that she needed to visit her family—

She shook her head, snapping out of those thoughts. "But I can't. I need a night to myself."

He stared down at her, a little confused, a little concerned. Cordelia was scared of the second emotion and what it meant and what he would do with it. Then his eyes lit up with a realization. "Reyna talked to me about seeing you in her dreams."

She froze. Her brain short circuited for way too long before she pulled herself together. "She did, did she?" she said coolly.

"Yeah," he said, his words a little gentler. "She was talking about how great you are, and the impact you had on Camp Jupiter. And that she knew you and Jason were alive because of the dreams."

Cordelia found she couldn't look at him. "How great I am," she repeated, bitterness evident in her voice.

"You're famous in Camp Jupiter," she heard Percy sitting on her bed somewhere behind her. "They hate Neptune, but they love you. You're the only reason why I succeeded the way I did — why they let me in, why they accepted me even though they hate our dad."

Our dad. Because they were siblings. Cordelia had forgotten that they shared the same dad, despite the differences between them. They looked nothing alike. Percy had been loved, Cordelia had been hated. She'd been compared to him so much, she'd viewed him as someone above her, as someone she had to compete with. Minus Thalia, but she hadn't been at camp for long before she became a hunter.

But he was being so nice. Why? Probably because he never had to compete. Not with her, not with Jason, not with anyone in his camp. Not like how she had to.

"They only ever liked me because I was dating Reyna," Cordelia commented offhandedly, because he was probably waiting for a reply.

"What?" Percy said in disbelief. "No they don't."

"They do," insisted Cordelia. "That's why I was dating Reyna. I'd help her win the praetorship, and she'd help me increase my status."

She instantly realized she'd said too much. It was weird, admitting the fake relationship out loud. She'd only told Rosie after she'd remembered that the relationship was fake. No one else.

"Ignore that," she said quickly.

"You're telling me that the power couple of Camp Jupiter, Reyna and Cordelia D'Amore, was fake?" Percy said incredulously.

"Yeah," she fiddled with her fingers. "Or, well, it was fake on her end. It stopped being fake for me after a while."

She waited for him to respond. He was quiet for a little while. The music playing sounded sad, like a heartbroken ballad.

"I don't think it was fake on her end," he told her. "She missed you, even if she saw you in those dreams. More than I think she would if she only thought it was fake."

Cordelia groaned, putting her head in her hands. "Don't give me false hope," she said. "You sound like Rosie."

"Rosie? Rosie Chen?"

"Yeah. She's, like, an ancestor of mine or something," she shrugged. "Gave me the dreams I have with Reyna, and my obvious good looks. She's visited occasionally, mainly to tell me about the dreams." 

Percy snorted, and she finally turned to look at him. "You don't look like dad at all. At least, not the Greek side of him, which makes sense."

Oh, yeah, and he's met their dad too. Of course he has.

Cry about it, a voice in her head scolded her. She ignored it.

"I think that's a good thing," she said. "Isn't it?"

He frowned. "I don't know how to answer that."

"Well, I think it is," said Cordelia, standing up and stretching. "I'm gonna ask Leo if he needs any help with guard duty. I'm not gonna sleep anyway."

His frown deepened. "You sure?"

"Yeah," she said. "It's fine, you won't get in trouble for it. Annabeth'll probably scold me later, but I don't want to see . . . you know. I need to figure out some stuff first. Then I'll see if she'll help us out, courtesy of Jason."

Percy looked up at her dubiously. "Right."

They both walked to the door, her turning off her music on the way, but he stopped her before she could open it and leave.

"Think about what I said," he told her.

"About?"

"Reyna. And, well, everyone at Camp Jupiter. But Reyna especially."

She doubted him, she really did. But there was one part of her that trusted him wholeheartedly. That was the part that had told him about the fake relationship, that had admitted far more than she should've to him.

"Sure," she said.

"And . . . you know, you're my sister. I've heard a lot about you, but I want to get to know you from you, not from the stories I've been told at camp."

At that, she smiled at him for the first time. "I'd like that. You know, you're a lot less intimidating than the stories I've heard describe you."

He wrinkled his nose. "You've heard stories about me?"

"I'll tell you later," she said. "They're really not all bad. They just make you seem . . . you know, like a god. Like you're not just a regular human being. But you are."

And with that, she parted ways from him, giving him a wave as she left.

cordelia's so deep in denial she's like 50 feet deep in the nile river istg. lowkey i wanna write it now but idk wkdjekkdksksks

❝ 'cause you haunt me when i'm dreamin'
and it's time you know the feeling ❞