There are times I forget what lead to this.

I forget how I ended up with a victim.

I forget how I ended up in a dirty, abandon building.

I forget that I am a monster until I hear them screaming for help, and I realize, I'm the only they want to be saved from.

I do not forget how to cut their vocal strings out of their throat.

All my temporary amnesia, this disappeared when I was with him. Those months of running on the road, hiding out in that cabin, I remember every detail. Clearly. Vividly. I still feel his touch, and hear his sweet voice whispering promises to me. Promises, that were fucking lies. We tangled ourselves in hazes, letting our bodies meld together by the force of the stars. The lust and adrenaline was merely the backup dancers to our passion. And after all the heights my voice and body would reach, silence would surround us as he held me in his arms. Nothing but the crickets outside the window would prick the air as he said those three words.

Three words. It could be any three words, but you know exactly which three I mean, don't you? I can't blame it on society's way of whoring out that phrase as a cheap tactic to earn trust. Before there was social media, or even entertainment, there was love. Pure love. I'm sure for as long as that word has existed, there's always been someone there to abuse it. I just never thought it was going to be him.

Promises. Love. Trust. Passion. Loyalty... Lies. Manipulation. Deception. Abuse. Betrayal.

I thought my life was real. It was only a story, told to me by an actor whom played the love interest. Yet, I feel wholeness in thinking of love to describe him. He's left me hollow, but his memories exist to fuel me. His presence is still one I enjoy, even if I don't want to admit it.

"Can you shut up?!" I snapped at the causality in front of me.

The fact that she hadn't bled to death by now was a surprise to me. Her full face was turning an unnatural color from her lack of blood and fluids. She had been trapped her a few days before I found her. Well, Ryan found her, locked in a room with ten zombies trying to break the door down. She trusted him because he saved her life. He lead her to this busted up music hall and threw her at me, like he was tossing a piece of meat at a dog.

Colors had faded from these walls. The monotone shades set in well before the virus outbreak, I'm guessing. Battle Mountain, Nevada was no different than the previous towns. Barely anything resided here before the outbreak. The tallest building here would be the shortest in New York. The glass front doors of the building were all shattered. Posters were peeling down the walls, and trash littered the dusty ground. It was beginning to look like the apocalypse. Here we were, on the stage of the theater.

The girl held her breath for a moment after I yelled at her. She was big boned, and her flesh now decorated in cuts. A cheap heart necklace hung from her neck, engraved with her name, Natalie. Her family was gone. I'm sure one of the fuckers I shot down or burned today. I've got her tied down to a chair, but no gag. She's too weak to scream. Who'd hear her anyways? I ran down my energy and honestly just wanted to sit and watch someone suffer. With a smoke in my hand, I sat in a seat across from her.

When Ryan told me it'd make me feel better to torture someone, he was both right and wrong. In the moment, I enjoyed letting my mind escape. Once I sat down to think though, my head got fucked up again. I wanted Ricky; I wanted to hug him. I wanted to strangle him. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to shoot him. I wanted to hear him say I love you. I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself.

After moments more of hearing this girl whimper, I grabbed my gun from the ground. A moment of pause lingered as I listened to my surroundings. There was scuffling beyond the light wind. It was too proper to be a zombie. I could smell the cologne from here though. At close ranger, I shot the girl, putting a hole in half her head. Then I paid my attention to my wanted unwanted visitor. It was time I got to tell him everything I wanted to say. Without anyone else here, I had my chance.

I glanced up for a short second to see him walking down the steps along the theater's seats. My mind wanted to only look for a second, a fucking second, but my eyes lingered on him. His body was built strong, yet so delicate in frame. His raven hair, how I longed to run my hands through it... and rip it from his scalp.

I dropped my gun onto the stage floor. Then I tossed the butt of my smoke across the room and pulled out a new one. Upon lighting it, I spoke, "I was five years old. Five years old, when my mom picked up a Glock. Just like the one you carry. She was a beautiful woman, but she couldn't take it anymore. She had been lied to, tricked, and abused by the man she loved. I remember watching her pray that the Lord spare her despite her committing the biggest sin. Then she looked at me, and told me she loved me, and to run away. She was on so many drugs to cope with the pain that she didn't realize I was still there. She put the gun to her head and pulled the trigger. Her brains splatted across the stain glass window with a cross on it. I called 911, and told them my mommy just killed herself. This whole time, this whole fucking time, I thought you understood my pain. And that, that is what hurts the most."

With easy, the tears streamed down my flushed face. It's one thing to say my mom killed herself, but reliving the memory like I just did is a whole other game. Even after all the tears that rushed across my cheeks, he said nothing. I decided he will never understand and it's for the best that I get away from him. We all know what happened last time we were alone. I got up from my seat, walking through the pool of blood half dried on the stage floor. Then I jumped down from the stage to walk out front. At this point, he was along a few feet from me.

"Devin." Ricky warmly spoke my name, as if he had never cursed it before.

He reached out his hand towards me and I stepped back from him, quavering, "Don't touch me."

Of course he didn't listen. Does he ever? Ricky walked closer. True, I could have just walked away, but part of me didn't want to. I keep my eyes low and not at his as he came so close I could get wasted off his cologne. He raised his hand to my face and wiped away some of my tears with a touch so tender, it was only going to make me cry more. I closed my eyes and grabbed his wrist. Running my hand up into his, I intertwined our fingers. What am I doing? The last time we were this close, he beat me.

"The word sorry isn't enough to fix all that I've done to you." He softly said, "From the moment I was born, I was taught how to fight and forced the memorize law books front to back. I could shoot a gun perfectly by third grade. While all the other kids were learning how to tie their shoes, I was learning how to load a gun in under ten seconds. My whole life, I was taught to protect a nation against people like you. I was taught you had no feelings and no comprehension of human life. Then I met you and realized that was all wrong. You were more welcoming to me than my coworkers were my first day on the job. You took me in, protected me, and made me feel a sense of security that no damn gun ever could. I fell in love with you, Devin, but I still had a job to do. I had to find a fine balance between following orders and protecting you."

"What was last night, then?" I murmured.

"A mistake." He simply stated, "I'm so sorry I did that. I... I was angry. Usually when I got pissed, I'd go fuck the pain away. I didn't want to sleep with anyone else because I was trying to win you back, but I knew you weren't going to fuck me. I let that anger consume me until I turned into something ugly. I don't regret everything else, but last night, I do regret. If by some miracle you will take me back, I promise that will never happen again."

I sniffled and brought myself to look at his entrancing eyes. They were so beautiful, like an exploded galaxy. All I saw was honesty and pain in that ocean of blue.

"How would we work out, in the end?" I asked, "You would probably get killed if it got out that you were dating a criminal."

"We'll figure that out as we go. And, you'd be surprised how much shit the Government does that's fucked up and no one knows. Just look at where we're standing thanks to the Government." He joked. I cracked a small, short lived laugh. "There's that beautiful smile." He said, "You are so gorgeous. Even if I had to fight until my dying breath, I will make this work. My life with you means everything and I'm not giving it up that easily."

I let my sights wonder a bit. Again, they found themselves low as I spoke, "Are you really going to grant us freedom after all this?"

Ricky stared at me for a moment. His chest held onto a breath, then he sighed it out, "Not exactly. I talked over options with my bosses. They are actually fond of this suicide squad idea. It'll help save a lot of soldiers lives. If this goes good, your options are going to be to go back to ADX, or come work for me as a task force. You'll have to live in a federal base, but I'll let you have anything you want. Guns, clothes, makeup, dogs, cars. Whatever you want."

"Will you live there with us?"

"Yeah, my sister and I. She's in the middle of her training right now. I hope you chose that over ADX, because I don't want to have to file twenty forms to come visit you." He chuckled. Then his smile slightly fell, "Devin, please. Give me a second chance. I love you with all my heart and I can't live without you."

His intentions sounded so genuine. I closed my eyes for a minute, seeing flashbacks to last night. What if that happens again? What if I trap myself by returning to him? Then I recalled every night I laid with him, feeling an emotion no one has ever made me feel before. His love surges through me powerfully. When he touches me, I feel energized, and when he kisses me, I hear sweet music. Life without him has been Hell, to say the least. I haven't been myself. It's like he permanently has a piece of me with him.

I looked back to his eyes. I saw the Heavens in his irises. When I stayed so quiet, he took it as a no. Soon he sighed as he lost hope and let go of me. Ricky said nothing as he started to walk away, but I grabbed him by his wrist. I yanked him back to me. He stumbled and fell into my chest. I locked my lips to his; a perfect fit. Ricky melted into me and wrapped his arms around me.

"I love you. I don't care how much you hurt me. You have a part of me forever, and I need you in my life." I told him.

"Thank Satan. I was going insane without you." He smiled widely.

"Let's take it slow, okay? You broke my heart, really fucking badly. I'm still healing and it's going to take time."

Ricky replied, "Of course, Beautiful. Can we at least sleep in the same bed? I miss snuggling with you."

I giggled, "I miss it too. It's getting late anyways. We should go get some sleep."

He unexpectedly picked me up, throwing me over his shoulder. I hit his back playfully to get him to set me down, but he refused. I found myself laughing and smiling genuinely for the first time in forever. He may have hurt me a lot, but he's healed so many of my wounds that I can find forgiveness for what he's done. I love Ricky. It's as simple as that. He's a fed and I'm the type of scum he chases. We may not be the same, but out love is unbreakable.

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