A long skirt cascaded down my legs. I made sure to pick one with a slit on the side of my not cut up thigh. The tight sweater I pulled on made my fake tits look nice. Even with all the tricks of padded bras and makeup contouring, I didn't have a ton for boobs. I'd never have surgery for it because I do like presenting myself as a guy sometimes. Days like this, when I wish I could walk in as this gorgeous bombshell for my man, it does get to me.

I took a deep breath as I looked in the mirror. Glancing down at the floor, I felt a shiver. The imagine of his dead body from my nightmare was still stuck in my head. It was something I couldn't get rid of. When I woke up this morning to an empty bed, I actually felt physical pain in my chest. Would it be so terrible to go back to Ricky just so I didn't have to sleep alone? I know it's got to be killing him too. After losing his father, he might need someone. I'm not saying we'd get back together. Just be there for each other.

For now, there's someone else I need to be there for. It was a long walk to the room they were keeping Kuza in. The guard was stiff but he didn't stop me when I approached. In fact, I was the one that hesitated. I looked down at the keycard in my hand.

"How's he been?" I softly asked.

"Not the happiest person in the world. I'll tell you that much." The guard responded.

"If you were put in a padded cell, you probably wouldn't be too stoked either." I replied.

He stepped out of the way as I went to swipe the keycard. Ricky told me to keep the visits short. After what happened to Ryan, I don't really want to test these people. It's pretty obvious they've felt a need to put us back in line as of late. Mike spent so many years being treated like an animal. They swore this place would be better to us but they're worse at times.

I carefully pushed the door open. The walls were padded but the floor was normal. A man I once knew to be so strong looked so destroyed. They had him in a straight jacket. He was sat in the corner of the room with his head down. The sound of my heels going across the floor barely phased him. He swayed his head a little. His hair was covering his face so I doubt he could see anything.

"They've got him pretty drugged up." The guard said as he stepped in the room, "They had to give him sedatives so he'd stop screaming."

You've got to be fucking kidding me. Even in Graham, they wouldn't drug him. These people are fucking monsters. I knelt down in front Kuza. As I reached my hand towards him, he flinched back.

"It's okay. It's just me." I calmly told him. He stopped moving and I took that as my permission to touch him. I pushed his hair out of his face only to see the terrible bags under his eyes. "Oh, Baby. What have they done to you?" I glanced back at the guard, "Does he have to have the straight jacket on?"

"Yes, ma'am. I'm sorry." He replied, "I'll give you two a moment alone."

"Thank you."

He nodded his head, "Yep." Then he left.

I leaned in closer to Mike, whispering, "I miss you."

"I miss you, too." He murmured. Fuck, they had him on so many drugs. He was slurring his speech. "You smell... like blood."

How the Hell could he smell that? I took a shower this morning. The cuts were deep enough that they haven't heeled but they weren't bleeding much anymore. Until I memorize them, I'll have to keep them fresh. Still, he shouldn't be able to smell that.

"Don't worry about it, Baby. It's nothing bad." I spoke softly into his ear. The poor thing hadn't had a shower yet but I didn't care about his smell. They didn't even clean Ricky's blood off of his face from the attack. I kept one hand on his shoulder and the other tangled in his hair. "You have to stay here for the next six weeks. They," I sighed, "Wanted to make an example of you. I'll come visit when I can but they don't want me in here for too long."

"I wish I could hold you." He mumbled.

"I know. Trust me, I know. If you're good, maybe I can convince them to take it off, but that means you have to be polite to the guards and stop screaming."

Mike buried his head into my chest, "I scream because I want you. I was worried after what happened to Ryan, they'd hurt you too. I... I kept screaming for... you... But they wouldn't... Wouldn't get you for me."

"I'd kill them if I could." I hissed. "I'm sorry this had to happen. I'm here now, though."

"It wasn't my fault... No one believes me... It wasn't me... my fault... I didn't... It wasn't me... I wasn't trying to hurt him..."

What was he babbling on about? Sure, I wanted to believe him, but there was a security camera in the room. Plus, the others saw it. Chris did at least. I don't know who else saw it. Mike has never been one to dodge responsibility. I'm just hoping it's the drugs making him spit nonsense.

"I'm going to try to let Ricky let me see the security footage. I might have to... fake it and be nice to him, but I want to see the video." I replied.

He shook his head against my chest, "You won't see... what I saw..."

I jumped a bit as the guard knocked on the door. He popped his head in, "Time's up."

That's just great. Being on this many drugs, Mike could be saying nothing. Or, he could really mean there was something more to this situation. Fuck only knows. We've had enough damn plot twists in our lives, thank you very much.

"I have to go." I told him.

"No, please," He started to cry, "Please don't go."

"I don't want to but they're making me." I replied, getting a little teary eyed myself. Regardless of the dried blood on his face, I gave him a deep kiss, "I love you."

"I love you, too... Please don't leave me... You make it go away..."

"C'mon, lady. It's time to go." The guard told me.

I stood up, not wanting to press my luck. He escorted me out. Kuza watched me go with tears streaming down his cheeks. My heart hurt to see him in so much pain. That's what I think he meant by "it" when he said I make it go away. He meant the pain. His mind must be so fucked up right now. Staring at those white walls day in and day out with utter silence would really drive you fucking crazy.

| | |

After the heartbreak of going to see my lover, I decided I needed something happier. I took about twenty minutes to myself in private. When he was in solitary at Graham, I never had to see it. It makes it even harder though. Not only did he kill for me, but he put himself in that much pain for me repeatedly. Why did I spend so many years blind to how much he loved me? He loved me to a sickening point and I treated him like shit.

I needed to stop thinking about the complications of love. Who better to see than Ryan? I did actually read start to read that book yesterday. Mystery has never been much of my thing but it was a pretty good book. As I entered his hospital room, I set down the other books I brought him on the tray next to the bed.

"I brought you something new to read." I said.

"Thank you. I just finished this one." He responded, snapping closed the book in his hand.

"I started to read The Big Sleep. It's a good book."

Ryan handed me the one he held, "Try this one when you're done. I think it's even better."

I took the book from him and clutched it closer. Oh, so one secret wasn't enough for him to dump on me? He's going to give me even more fancy little messages? Who knows what this could be. There had to have been more to those files. I'd just go read them if I could be we're always being watched.

"I went and visited Mike today." I told him.

"Yeah? How'd that go?" Ryan asked. He grabbed his drink off the side table, which was a carton of chocolate milk. Yes, he's an emotionless mad scientist that drinks the same type of drink as an elementary school kid. Sometimes he can be priceless.

"It was harder than I thought. They've got him on so many sedatives that he's not himself anymore. They won't let him out of his straight jacket either and they didn't even clean him up after he attacked Ricky. He's covered in dry blood. Next time I go to see him I'll bring something to try to clean him up." I leaned forward on the rail of his bed, hanging my head, "They treat him like a monster."

Ryan softened his voice, "They treat us all like monsters."

"I'm starting to think... We are."