Hiya!" Jackie greets, probably not noticing what we're doing right now. Well, what the boys were doing.

"Hold on, Grandma, hold on!"

"What's going on?" Jackie asks me

"Hi, Mum. Grandma's hair's stuck," Adam explains for me

"What?"

"Her hair's stuck. Just undo it!" He shouts to Johnny

"I'm trying to! the door won't open!"

"Oh Jesus," I mutter

"Mum?" Jackie asks, coming out of the doorway and towards the disaster

"Hello, Jackie!" Grandma greets

"Undo the window!"

"What do you think I am trying to do?!" Jonny shouts

"Hurry up!"

"Wait, maybe if I..." he presses a button and the alarm goes off.

"Is that the police?" Grandma asks

"I'm going inside!" I walk in and head straight for the kitchen, leaving my coat on. I check Martin's not here before opening the cleaning cupboard and taking out his secret chocolate stash.

"What are you doing?" Jonny asks from behind me

"Drinking bleach," I slam the cupboard shut and turn around to face the two brothers, leaving my chocolate in there "did you get Grandma out?"

"Yeah, cause Jonny's a dickhead," Adam walks over to the kitchen doorway

"I'm not a dickhead, am I?" Jonny questions quietly

"Course not," I kiss his lips gently "just a bit of a twat,"

"Boys, Lizzie, we've got something to show you!" Jackie says and we work our way to the doorway

"Really?"

"You'll see. Come on, Mum," Jackie starts to lead her mother away

"Grandma's going to do a strip for us?" Jonny jokes

"Hello, Bambinos and Chica!" Martin greets, coming out of the bathroom

"With your father?" I add and look up at Jonny who's grinning happily.

"Hello, Martin!" Grandma greets

"What?"

"What?"

"What?"

"Brilliant," I say loudly, knowing neither of them can hear

"Sorry, my hearing machine's not very..."

"No top tonight, Dad?" Adam interrupts

"I'm baking." for a solid 10 seconds, I was lost on how he was baking, and why that meant he was shirtless. Then, it hit me, he meant warm. When I look up, I see Grandma squeezing Martin's mamboobs

"What have I missed?"

The others follow Jackie into the living room and I go to hang my coat up. When I enter the living room, Adam's gone to get grandma a drink, so I sit next to Jonny.

"What do you want to show us then?"

"Well see if you can notice!" Jonny shrugs and I look about. I really don't have a big enough attention span for this "Something perhaps in this room,"

"um," Me and Jonny look at each other for help.

"Well?" Jackie was growing impatient so Jonny just shrugged

"Mum, have you noticed anything different about the living room?" oh god, now Grandma's involved

"You cleaned it?"

"Amazing,"

"Brilliant,"

"There Grandma," Adam comes back with her drink

"Oh, thank you, Dolly,"

"Um, I've just got to..." Adam trails off and runs away, Jonny quickly following in case he was salting his drink.

They come back again and I finally figured it out

"The Curtains!" I shout once Jonny and Adam are either side of me

"Thank you, Lizzie,"

"What about them?" Adam asks

"They're new!" Me, Jackie and Martin tell them.

"Are they?" Jonny looks to me questionably

"Yes, we just got them. Do you like them?"

"Aren't they the same as the other ones?" I roll my eyes at Jonny

"What other ones? We had blinds, you idiot,"

"Did you?" I ask sceptically

"Not you as well Lizzie!" Jackie sighs "Mum, do you like the curtains?"

"Not really,"

"What do you mean, 'not really'?"

"It's the wrong colour," Grandma explains

"Wrong colour?"

"Oh shit,"

"Yellow,"

"They're not yellow, they're cream,"

"They're yellow,"

"Tell her boys, what colour are the curtains?"

"Um, they're sort of yellow," Adam tells her

"Yeah, piss yellow?" Jonny guesses and I try not to laugh

"Charming. Lizzie, tell your boyfriend they're cream," oh god. They are piss yellow. How the fuck am I getting out of this?

"They suit the living room," I shrug "They look nice with everything else," I try to add, I did like the curtains, and they did look good in the room, but they were Piss yellow

"Right, lovely," Jackie turns to her husband "Martin, tell my mother. What colour are the curtains?"

"They're yellow," That's when I start laughing, Jackie glares and I hide my face in Jonny's shoulder.

"I know!" Grandma agrees

"They're not yellow, we've had this argument and we both agreed, remember. They're cream!" Jackie becomes more defensive and I stay hidden.

"Yes, I forgot. They're cream,"

"Brilliant," I mutter and Jonny hides a smirk"Oh, well thanks very much, everyone! I try to make the house look nice for you and no-one even bothers to notice. Thanks. Thank you very much," Jackie storms out.

----------&----------

"Jackie, the boys and Lizzie do like them," Martin tries to calm her down "Tell your mum you like the curtains,"

"Of course, we do. They're lovely, Mum. Aren't they, Jonny?"

"Yeah they're lovely, really lovely, Mum," Jonny nudges me

"Lovely," I agree with a nod.

"See, they love them," Martin tries

"They hate them,"

"No, we don't! "Adam defends whilst smiling at Jonny doing a throwing up motion

"Children," I mutter before walking out "I'll set the table for you Jackie,"

"Thank you dear," I pass Grandma on the way and I'm kind of upset I won't see the mess about to happen.

I stay in the dining room though; I wasn't in a people mood this week. But I came anyway.

"You okay?" Jonny enters and I sigh

"Always," He raises an eyebrow "yeah no,"

"What's up?" He wraps his arms around me and I just let myself enjoy this moment, my head pressed to his chest happily.

"Just tired, the new job's been a bit hard," I wrap my arms around him "When they said fashionable business, they really did mean it,"

"You look hot though,"

"I actually say someone's arse earlier,"

"How about tomorrow we just watch those crap romance movies you like," Jonny looks down at me "yeah?"

"You'll watch 27 dresses with me?" I ask hopefully

"Ugh, yes,"

"Great," I'm suddenly much happier until we hear a crash.

"We should check that out?" Jonny asks

"Yeah,"

We enter the kitchen and see the mess, Martin surrounded by Jackie's dinner

"Did Dad have diarrhoea?" Jonny jokes

"Jonny, it's not funny, that was my casserole,"

"Sorry,"

"Casserole from Dad's ass-role,"

"God Adam, that wasn't even funny," I groan

"I'm really sorry, Jackie, it just slipped!" Martin tries to explain

"Slipped?!"

"Look, it's all right, I can just..." he starts wiping it back into the bowl with a magazine.

"Lovely!" I claim

"Martin, you've got a piece stuck to you," Jackie tells him

"What?"

"Some beef on your stomach,"

"Oh. Ha!" he eats it. He actually eats it.

"I'm not touching that thing," I leave them to it and go to finish setting up the dining room.

-----------&-----------

I'm not eating that thing, I actually refuse. I've just eaten some bread. I'm not that hungry anyway. It's just a bit awkward since Jackie keeps glaring and Grandma keeps asking why I'm not eating.

"Are we having a stabbing party or something?" Adam held up three knives. I saw Martin put them down but didn't question it.

"Have a guess who set the table with me," I started

"Hmm?" Martin looked up

"There are quite a lot of knives here, Dad," Adam explained

"Yes, we were going to murder your mother after dinner, remember?" him and Grandma start laughing uncontrollably, it's a bit more awkward now.

"So, are you going to tell me why she couldn't come tonight?" Jackie looks to Adam pointedly

"Oh, she's very tired,"

"She's tired," Jackie raises an eyebrow

"Who's tired?" Jonny asks me

"Alison,"

"Oh, Adam's pretend girlfriend,"

"Well, she is real. Just getting rogered up the arse by Simon every night," Jonny nearly chokes on his food at that.

"No, she really wanted to meet you. She's just a bit exhausted at the moment so..." Adam tries to defend

"Well, three times a night with Simon would make anyone tired," Adam glares at me and I laugh, popping a bit of bread in my mouth.

"That's really funny,"

"It was actually," We continue talking about Alison until Jonny takes a sip of his drink, making his usual face of discomfort.

"You bastard!"

"Not bloody salt again!" Martin sighs

"It's not salts, it's gin!"

"Gin?"

Skill!"

"Oh, gin? Can I have some?" Grandma raises her glass

"No, Mum, not with your beef. Enough now, all right," she tells the boys

"Yeah, and don't waste gin. It's your mother's for when she's depressed, remember?" If I had taken a sip of my wine, now would be when I spat it out. The door rings and me and the two brothers run to get it. Anything to get away. We didn't really get what Jim wanted since Wilson started licking Grandma's trousers. Me and Jonny watched in horror before we got back to the table.

"What did he want this time?" Jackie asks

"Err, he didn't really say," I respond

"What do you mean, 'he didn't really say'?"

"He just didn't" I go to pee since I was still in the doorway. I'm honestly just hiding in the loo at this point.

----------&----------

So, we all got a purse (including me) accept Jackie. I tried to insist that mine was hers but Grandma was certain mine was mine. So now, Jackie's calming down somewhere and I'm stuck with Grandma

"Dolly, did I tell you I got my hair done?"

"Yes, you did,"

"You must know a lot about dying hair," I raise my eyebrow "look at yours,"

"um yes,"

"did you get it done professionally?" she asks slowly

"yes, I used to work for a Hairdressers and they cheapen it for me,"

"well that explains it then." I hear a crash but stay to defend myself

"I'm sorry?"

"Nothing,"

"Just because you have to cover your grey ones," Grandma huffs and walks into the kitchen. I follow her slowly.

"Why are you shouting at Jon-Jon?" she asks Jackie and I jump up onto the counter next to him. He was in a bin bag, and Adam was by a shattered dish. Great, I missed Pussface getting annoyed.

"Mum, leave me alone, I'll shout at whoever I like," Jackie defends herself

"What?"

"Just stay out of this, would you?"

"Sorry, Mum" Jonny says quietly and I wrap my arms around him, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Don't you talk to your mother like that!"

"What?"

"Oh, God," I mutter and Jonny wraps his arms around me in comfort. After a long day, shouting was not what I needed.

"I'll talk to you how I like, thank you very much, seeing as you haven't said a bloody nice word to me the whole evening!"

"It's ok, Mum," Adam tries to calm her down

"Stop it, Adam,"

"Jackie!" Martin reaches out for her

"It's true!" Jackie starts to leave then stops "And just so you know, those curtains in the living room, they are not yellow!"

"Jacqueline, you will not speak to your mother like that! And they are yellow,"

"Shut up, Mum! Clear that up, Jonny!"

"Right, that's it. Go to your room!"

"What?" Jackie says and I mutter it as well.

"Go to your room!"

"Go to my room?"

"You heard me, go to your room!"

"No! I'm not going to go to my room!"

"What the fuck is happening" I whisper to Jonny and we start laughing

"You will! Go to your room!"

"No! It's not funny!" Jackie scolds us

"Yes!"

"No, you go to your room!" what?

"What?"

"You go to your room!"

"Okay, I spoke to soon earlier," I tell Jonny "I don't know what the fuck is happening now,"

"But I don't have a room,"

"Exactly,"

"What do you mean?"

"Mum, I'm not going to my room. This is my house, I'm a grown woman for Christ's sakes!"

"Martin?"

"What?"

"Could you please tell Jacqueline to go to her room?"

"And can you please tell my mother to go to her room?" Well, they're definitely related

"It reminds me of your family," Jonny mutters

"We're not this insane. Yet," I whisper back to him

"Erm I..."

"OK. OK then," Grandma starts leaving

"Where are you going?" Adam shouts after her

"Leave her, Adam!" Jackie demands

"What do you mean, where am I going? I'm going to my room!"

"But you don't have a room," Me and Jonny follow her

"Then I'll find a room. And don't worry, I shan't be using that room in there because the curtains are too yellow!"

"They are not yellow!"

"Mum, I do think you should go to your room,"

"It's not funny, Jonny!" Jackie storms into the dining room and we all follow " I make a lovely dinner for you that you leave," It was dropped on the floor.

" I show you the new curtains, which you laugh at," Piss yellow

"And then you smash my favourite dish!"

"Mum!" Adam tries to stop her

"I'm serious. You're all just so ungrateful!"

"Ungrateful? When have Lizzie or I ever been ungrateful?!" Jonny defends us

"OK. Maybe you're not ungrateful," thank you "maybe it's Adam and his girlfriend who are the ungrateful ones!"

"Whoa!" I put my hands up in shock

"I'm sorry?" Adam asks and I drag Jonny out

"Where are we going?"

"Anywhere but here," I put my coat on and do it up before chucking Jonny his.

"What do I do?!" Adam shouts at me

"I don't know! Go to the pub!"

"Maybe I will, get away from nutcase over here," he nods to Jackie who storms out of the kitchen

"Yeah, go on! Go to the pub on a Friday night, very Jewish of you!"

"Thank you, but goodbye!" I shout and slam the door. Jonny comes running after me and Adam goes to find the pub.

"Honestly woman, you walk so bloody fast,"

"I'm angry," Jonny catches up with me and I link my arm with his "my feet fucking ache because they had me walking up and down all day, my heels are white so I have to clean them every time I wear them, my dress is short enough for people to see my pants, I haven't actually had dinner and I just want to go home!"

"Come on," Jonny pulls me down a street

"Where are we going?"

"To get dinner,"

----------&----------

"You could always quit," Jonny tells me as we walk down the street with fish and chips

"I just got the job,"

"Quit anyway,"

I laugh loudly and lean my head on his shoulder "What else would I do?"

"Um..." I raise an eyebrow at him "you can technically hair dress, you could advertise for a new place. You're more than qualified,"

"eh,"

"Actually, my job needs a new marketing person and the last one came in in jeans every day, so you might be fine,"

"Maybe,"

We get back to the Goodman household and Jonny quickly bins the fish and chip wrappers

"Thank you," I kiss him gently "for y'know dealing with my outburst,"

"Kind of signed up for it,"

We enter the house and Adam is on the stairs as the others stand at the bottom, Grandma is at the top

"And mum, apologise to Pissface and Pissface's girlfriend,"

"Sorry Pissface and Pissface's girlfriend,"

"What the hell have we missed?"

-----------&-----------

Grandma goes to get her glasses and me and Jonny stay on the sofa comfortably. That is until we hear a scream

"Adam's killed grandma," I joke before we go and investigate, Jackie in front of us. We enter and Grandma is on the floor, Adam half in a bin bag

"I think I've killed Grandma,"

Jonny, Adam and Martin attempt to carry Grandma to the living room whilst I stand and watch Jackie scream at them.

"Careful, careful!"

"I'm sorry, I thought it was Jonny, I thought it was Jonny," Adam stutters

"Why was he in a bag?" Grandma asks absently

"It's all right, Mum," Jackie reassures her

"Where are you taking me?"

"You really are an absolute dick hole!" Jonny shouts at Adam

"Shut up, Jonny!"

"But he really is!"

"We'll dump her on the sofa," Marin starts

"No, we'll put her on the sofa!" Jackie tries to help

"There we are, Grandma," and she's softly on it without a broken bone.

"Mum, do you want a doctor?"

"No, just some water,"

"Here, Mummy," she hands it too Grandma

"Thank you,"

"Err, that might be vodka" Jonny speaks up and Grandma tries to drink more

"Better?" Jackie takes it away

"Much better, thank you." there's a pause as Grandma stares at something "Jackie?"

"Yes, Mum?"

"Can I say something?"

"Of course, what?"

"You know, I was wrong. Your curtains, they're really lovely."

"Really?"

"Really,"

"See Jackie? I told you," I lean into Jonny's side. It's been a long evening.

"No, you were right. They do look like piss."