"All right, Pussface?" Jonny asks as we walk up to his parents' house, he swings our joined hands and we rush forward when Adam calls us over to look through the window. Well, Jonny rushes forward and I try to balance in my heels.

"Dad's got no top on,"

"He never has a top on," I add.

  "Yeah, but..." we see what he's on about, Martin is looking down his trousers

"Shit," me and Jonny chorus

  "He's been doing that for ages, he just keeps on looking and looking,"

  "Why's he looking at his y'know?"

"I don't know. It's not good, though. It's funny, but it's not good,"

"Definitely funny," I mutter as Jonny mutters the same about it being not good.

"Magnifying glass?"

"That's a new development," I mutter, I can't seem to tear my eyes away from the scene in front of me.

  "Why does he need it magnified?"

"I really don't want to know," I finally stand up and walk up to the door. The two are still talking about their father's cock and I finally ring the doorbell, Martin answers. Great.

    "Hello, bambinos, Chica!"

  "Hi, Dad," the two say as I wave and enter, walking towards the kitchen and greeting Jackie when I see her working on dinner.

"Oh, hi Lizzie! Where're are those boys of mine?" I hug her briefly and jump onto the counter

"Hallway," she nods and leaves, returning with them a few seconds later. Jonny pulls me off the counter to kiss me before Jackie asks about Alison again. Causing me and Jonny to make the usual jokes

"At least I've got a girlfriend who isn't receiving sexual pleasure from another man," Jonny wraps his arms around me from behind and I grab his arms as we both smile sarcastically. Jackie 'awe's' and Adam looks mildly upset that he hasn't got an actual girlfriend.

"Hang on a minute, 'sexual pleasure'?" I look up at Jonny questionably and he just shrugs and kisses me.

----------&----------

We're all happily eating away until we hear Martin making strange noises with his hand in his mouth. I assume he's taking something out of his teeth. He starts smacking his lips and I shuffle in my seat; certain noises just make me really uncomfortable. Jonny notices and places his hand on my thigh as Adam changes the subject,

"This is amazing, Mum,"

  "Thanks, darling,"

"It is yet again delicious," I compliment

  "Very nice, Jackie. Lovely bit of squirrel," Martin starts laughing and we all just stare at him yet again.

"So, you like my hair, then?" Jackie asks Jonny, who was still eating his food with one hand, refusing to remove his other from its place on my thigh. Not that I'm complaining.

  "Yep,"

"I had it done,"

"Your mother had her hair done," Martin tells us after

  "We know,"

"She had a flaky scalp," I spit out my wine at the bluntness of the statement.

  "Martin! Thanks for telling them!"

"It's not in the food, is it?" I can't tell if Jonny's joking or not so I slap his arm playfully.

"Lizzie!" Jackie starts, trying to change the conversation "you're dressed very nice today,"

"oh yeah," I look down at my outfit "It was my last pitch before I stat the new job next Wednesday,"

"You didn't tell us you were changing jobs!"

I shrug "eh, it just pays more. Only problem is their dress code is 'professional fashionable'. Which basically means the boss is a perv and wants to look up our skirts," Jonny physically winces and places his hand on my knee protectively, I smile and put more food in my mouth.

At some point, Jackie goes to get Martin some more ketchup so I quickly stand.

"Right, I'm going to the loo," I give Jonny and Adam a look that tells them to ask their dad about what he's been doing in the lower region. I do actually go to the toilet though, but stay there a bit longer so I can avoid the conversation.

I finally enter the hallway and hear Jonny tease Adam

"Tell Alison to listen, too,"

"Won't she find it difficult with Simon's balls in her ears?" I joke and Jackie and Jonny laugh, as go to sit down, the door goes. Both boys stand but I shush them and walk back into the hallway.

  "Hi, Jim,"

"Hello, Liz. Jackie there?"

"It's Lizzie," I correct, Liz makes me sound like 43-year-old

  "Lizzie! Could you tell him to come later? We're eating!" I repeated Jackie's message to Jim and Jonny comes to stand next to me.

  "Something smells good," Jim comments "We're just about to have our dins dins, aren't we? Aren't we, Wilson?  Oh, it's just about the sponsorship form for charity. Your mum said she'd sponsor me for the..."

  "Oh, tell them to bloody go away!"

  "Martin!"

"If you could just come back after dinner?" Jonny asks

  "Yes, I'll see you later. Thanks Adam,"

"I'm Jonny,"

  I shut the door on him and me and Jonny laugh. I go into the loo "again?" Jonny asks

"Knickers are in a twist," I explain briefly.

"Who was that, the council?" Martin asks when I enter again

  "The council? When has the council ever been round?"

  "Adam, your mother tells me your radio jingle is on tonight?" Martin says in a posh accent and I bite my lip to hold in a laugh

  "Rather formal. Um, yes, sir. Well, it's a start, you know,"

  "And who wrote the music?"

"I did, Dad. It's a jingle," me and Jonny try to stop ourselves from laughing but can't help ourselves.

  "And what's it for?"

  "Car insurance,"

  "Ooh, the big time," Jonny teases and I take a sip of my wine

"Ohhh cars," I yet again spit out my drink.

  "Car insurance,"

"Well. Well done, Adam. To our favourite son!" Jackie gets us to toast and Jonny reluctantly does and I put my hand on his thigh to comfort him. They both drink their water and spit it out, both having been salted.

----------&----------

After dinner, Jonny and Martin are clearing away the table so I'm sat looking at dresses in one of Jackie's magazines. Jonny comes in and sits on Adam's head - forcing him to move. Jackie scolds them, but when they pretend to burp, she finally snaps so Adam stands up. Letting me quickly dash across to sit next to Jonny.

"Mum? How come you've got more pictures of Pissface than me?"

  "your face annoys me," Jackie answers simply.

"Right. No, really?"

  "Really,"

  "Fair enough," Jonny texts Adam, pretending to be their mother but then Martin comes in. He asks Adam to come with him and me and Jonny make worried eye contact. I quickly force myself onto Jonny's lap so he can't go after them.

"Hair," I mutter quietly, knowing he'd get the hint. He starts playing with it. Not even trying to go see if his father's showing Adam is cock. Eventually Jackie gets bored and goes to see what they were looking at.

"Can't we go see now?" Jonny begs

"No. I'm tired," I shut my eyes to prove a point and Jonny just kisses my forehead.

"Jewish dating sights! Females!" Adam informs us when he passes the living room.

"Maybe we should have gone," I mutter.

----------&---------- 

  "Aw, you two are so cute," Jackie says when me and Jonny are still in the same position

"When's Adam's thing on?" Jonny asks, changing the conversation

"Adam, when's your jingle thing on?!"

"Shit!" everyone starts looking for a working radio and I just stay in the living room until Jonny comes back

"Come on,"

"Where're we going?"

"The car,"

"Carry me then," Jonny looks like he's going to protest but does it anyway. We see Jim on our way out and it's a bit awkward since Jonny is straight up carrying me like 10 metres.

I end up in the middle of Jonny and Jackie. When Adam turns on the radio it's defining and I burry my face into Jonny's chest.

"That was the loudest thing I've ever heard...." Adam presses it again and the same thing happens. Jonny covers my ears, meaning he has to deal with it.

"You idiot!"

  Adam struggles with the radio whilst Jonny has to tell Martin we're not going anywhere.

"I can't get this bloody thing to work! Jonny, turn the duck on!"

"It's not a duck, it's a radio," I smile at the innocent voice, I don't even think he was joking then.

  "Just turn it on!"

"Such a knob," Jonny mutters to me

  We go through two adverts (one being for tampons), before the add comes on. But when it does, I can't hear any music until 2 seconds at the end. I look to my right and see Jim right by the window

"Fucking hell!"

----------&---------

Jackie made us some tea whilst Adam moaned about it in the corner. Jonny imitates the advent and I laugh, leaning onto the counter between his legs. Martin comes, asking Adam for the magnifying glass.

"Go on Adam, pass it to your father," I tease

He does it reluctantly and Jackie finally asks what he's been doing. We all make awkward eye contact before she goes and storms in the loo.

Johnny and Adam follow whilst I stay in the kitchen. I don't want to hear about my boyfriend's father's penis thank you very much - however funny it may be.

Sometime later, Jonny comes in and wraps his arms around me from behind "he was having a piss in the garden and was stung by a bee,"

"What?" I have to lean onto the counter whilst I cover my mouth to try and stop the laughing. Adam comes in and him and Jonny make a few jokes about it

"Shit!"

"What?" I ask Adam, walking over and reading over his shoulder

"I just sent Jim a message from mum saying he has four penises,"

"Shit indeed,"