A/N: I don't usually put warnings on this story since in the show there is a lot of swearing, but near the end I use the C word very often. I'm really sorry if it offends anyone!

"So, Adam's on cheese, you're on cake and I'm on biscuits," I tell Jonny as we walk down the bread isle of the local co-op.

"I don't know how mum hasn't figured out he's not following his diet already," he mutters, close behind me.

"The things women in love believe," I joke as I put the Bourbons in the basket, I turn around and he mutters a small 'oi' "what love?" he bends down and kisses me, wrapping the arm with the basket around my waist causing it to hit my arse "Ow,"

"Sorry sweetheart,"

----------&----------

"Hi!" Jonny shouts when he opens the door and Martin nearly jumps out of his skin after coming out of the loo

"Oh Christ!"

Adam comes out as well

"Alright Pussface? Females?" Jonny points inside the toilet

"No actually,"

"Dad's drugs," Jonny realises and motions for me to take the food out of my coat

"Dad's drugs," Adam agrees as I take the bag out of my inside pocket, I go to hand them to Martin when something catches my eye

"Why's there a sledgehammer by the coat rack?"

"For my sledgehammering, now hurry up before Jackie sees!" I hand them over "Both?" he asks and I nod before he runs into the loo again

"Hi Jonny, Lizzie!" Jackie greets as she comes towards us. Kissing Jonny's cheek and half hugging me.

"Hi mum,"

"Hi Jackie," I take my coat off and hang it up.

"So, what's the big news?"

"Thanks Lizzie," Martin mutters when he comes out of the loo, then seeing Jackie "Oh, hello my darling,"

"You alright Martin?"

"Oh yes, just doing a toilet," he goes back in and we here the toilet flush before he comes back out "there," Jackie stares "I'll put my shirt on,"

"So, anyway my news,"

"Oh yes, your news," Jackie remembers

"Yes, my news," Jonny starts whistling and stands on the stairs, gesturing for me to come up on the step below, so I comply but lean on the wall.

"So, you know how I'm the younger brother but I'm the only one with a proper job,"

"A job for proper cocks," Adam tells him

"It's called an Estate agent,"

"Cock-agent,"

"It is a job for cocks, " I remind Jonny

"Oi!"

"It is!"

"Your own girlfriend agrees!" Adam gestures

"Boys!"

"And you know I've only been there for like 6 months,"

"Making the tea, cleaning the toilets,"

"Shut up!" Jonny tells his brother "Well, I've been promoted," he does his tie up

"Oh my god promoted? Jonny that's amazing!" Jackie kisses his cheek

"Yeah well-done Jonny!" Martin comes in with his shirt on "Sorry, what's he done?"

"He's been demoted," Adam mis-informs him

"Promoted," I correct

"And guess what? Liz has so happy with my work," I roll my eyes at the mention of the bitches name, god I hate that woman and I only met her once in little Tesco when she glared at me the whole time and practically undressed Jonny with her eyes "she gave me a company car," he jangles the keys.

"A company car? Aw Jonnyboo," Jackie hugs him

"Come on I'll show you," he jumps down

"How exciting!" I smirk at Jackie's words, god I hate this car and can't wait for the remarks it's going to get

"And later, we'll go for a family spin,"

"Family spin!" Jackie claps and Adam then mocks her

Jonny opens the door and we all follow him; Jackie's smile drops when she sees it

"Well?"

"Is that it?" Adam asks referring to the car with a house roof on it

"Yeah, it's good isn't it"

"I thought you said it was a car,"

"It is a car!" Jonny walks up to it

"Um, I think that's a house," Adam continues

"It's not a house, it's a car!"

"Made of bricks,"

"Shut up. Mum?"

"It does look a bit housey,"

"No mum! It's just," he knocks on the roof of the house "clever marketing,"

"It is not," I tell him

"You said you'd be on my side for this!"

"Not about the car," I remind him "Jonny, my job is marketing and that is not clever,"

"Well, dad?"

"Is that your new company car then?"

"You know it is!"

"Do they not like you there?"

"Martin! Ignore them darling. It's lovely really and it's nothing like a house,"

"No, just a car with a mortgage," Adam smirks

"Right well thank you all very much!" Jonny storms inside and I sigh before following. He sits on one of the sofas and I go next to him, grabbing his hand.

"You've done really well at this job okay?" he nods "It may be a bit of a shit car but you earned it fair and square. It's the thought that counts yeah?" he still looks grumpy "yeah?"

"Yeah," he mutters and smiles so I kiss him gently before falling into his arms

"Adam, hasn't your brother done well?" Jackie asks him as they both enter the living room, Jackie sitting on the edge of the sofa me and Jonny are on

"What, to be driving a roof?"

"Well, at least I'm not a sad git who writes crap jingles for paint thinner," Jonny gets his phone out

"Paint stripper actually," Adam corrects smugly

"Oh yeah, how could I forget? You only use it as your ring tone," Jonny presses call and as the jingle plays, Adam rushes to dismiss the call

"It's good for business,"

"It's not," I tell him and he cares "I literally specialize in this shit. I don't know what you all think my job is?"

"Female escort?" Adam jokes and I grab a pillow and fling it across the room

"Adam!" Jackie scolds "It is quite sad," she then adds, referring to his ring tone.

"Shit on it!" we hear Martin shout from outside and we rush to see what was wrong, I grab Adam's phone and give it to Jonny causing him to kiss me quickly before we go into the hallway

"What's the matter?" Jackie asks and Martin pushes the boys out the way with his hand over one eye shouting 'move!'

"Oh, be spatially aware!"

"What happened?"

"The bleedin' bird just crapped in my eye,"

----------&----------

"So, she must like you this Liz lady," Jackie says as she files her nails

"What?"

"Your boss!"

"I guess so, she's kinda nice," he shrugs and I wrap my arm around him and rest my head on his chest protectively, Liz clearly had a thing for him.

"Wait a minute, your girlfriend and boss have the same name," Adam asks "Lizzie and Liz, both short for Elizabeth?"

"We don't say my full name!" I kick him "But yeah, makes it easier when he can't remember which one of us he's having sex with," I joke and Adam laughs as Jackie snorts but Jonny just looks slightly uncomfortable, "I'm only joking," I kiss him and as Adam 'ewe's I take out my phone and call him, since he can't see Jonny smirks.

"Um, Pussface I think someone's calling you," he tells his brother as 'My balls never dropped' rings out on loop.

"How did you change that?" he asked as before Martin comes in with a cloth on his eye

"All better now?" Jackie asks her husband

"Yeah think so," he leans down to Jonny and me "Jonny, Lizzie, does my eyes smell?"

----------&----------

As we eat dinner, Martin pours eye drops into his eye and gets it all over him in the process.

"Do you have to do that at the table?" Martin ignores her

"So, are we going to try out the new car later? Yeah?"

"House," I mutter

"Family spin?"

"Lovely darling," Jackie tells him

"I'll show you the office too,"

"Oh, will we meet Liz? Sorry, your new girlfriend,"

"Shut up Adam! My actual girlfriend is right next to me!"

"Jackie, when are Adam's balls gonna drop?" I ask and she laughs

"Very good," Adam sighs

"It was," I say before putting more food in my mouth

Adam takes some water into his mouth and spits it back "What was that?"

"Oh, only eye drops," Jonny shows him  Martin's bottle

"Oh, only potato," he puts it in Jonny's drink

"Boys!" A strange noise rings out and we all look out the doorway

"What was that?"

"Oh, it's his new toy," Jackie gestures to her husband

"A fax machine," Martin tells us

"A fax machine?"

"Dad brought a Fax machine?"

"Don't look at me," Jackie defends

"Martin, why did you buy a fax machine?" I ask

"So we can get fax messages, stupid,"

"Why would you ever want to get a fax message when you've got email?" Jonny questions

"are you trying to be a moron? So you don't have to read everything of a bleedin' screen,"

"So, you're literally the last person left on earth using a fax machine?"

"I've told him Adam,"

"Rubbish! The fax is a great bit of kit,"

Jackie collects our plates and I thank her

"Lovely bit of squirrel," Martin tells her before turning to us "with bits of forest,"

"Oh, there's a surprise for dessert,"

"That means fruit salad," he tells us once Jackie left the room

"Fruit salad for you maybe, we'll be on crumble," Jonny says to his father

"Crimble crumble,"

"Delicious crimble crumble," the brothers fist bump

Jackie comes out with a container with fruit salad and places it on the table, we all stare at it in horror

"It's fruit salad,"

"Told you, Nazi Germany," Martin tells Adam

"Fruit salad and..." I ask hopefully

"And?"

"The crimble crumble!" me and Jonny tell her

"Didn't make any,"

"What?"

"You what?"

"Why not?"

"Well, Dad's on his cholesterol thingy so I just thought it'd make a nice change,"

"A nice change? What, chopped up manky old fruit?"

"Alright, sorry,"

"See what you've bloody done now Jackie!" Martin stands up

"Where're you going? Sit down,"

"To open the bloody window," Martin does so "It's bloody boiling in here," he screams when he sees Jim by the window

"Hello all," he greets through the window

"Hi Jim,"

"Have you been there long?"

"Probably about 20 minutes Martin,"

"Jim, we're sort of been in the middle of dinner,"

"Oh, don't mind me," everyone's silent and Martin comes to sit down.

"Is there anything we can help with?"

"Oh no, I was just brining something 'round for you,"

"Thanks, could it could wait?"

"Yeah,"

"Yeah, maybe bring it 'round tomorrow," Jonny suggests

"Of course, I'll do that. It's only a cake,"

"Cake?" I ask suddenly

"Cake?"

"Did someone say cake?"

----------&----------

"It's Wilson's birthday everybody!" Jim enters and Adam tells me and Jackie that he's pissed. Both brothers sit back down as Jim sets the cake down

"Hello Jackie, you look nice,"

"Thanks Jim," he goes to kiss her cheek but nearly gets her eye

"Hello Martin," he kisses Martin's cheek as well "I'm not meant to kiss you, am I?"

"Not really," Jonny says awkwardly

Jim gets a tissue out and wipes Martin's cheek "All gone,"

"Happy Birthday Lydia?" I question, gesturing to the balloon

"Lydia? No, they didn't have a Wilson one in the shop and this was nearer,"

"But Lydia isn't anywhere near Wilson," Jonny says

"No, I meant nearest for me to reach. Cheers," Jim downs Martin's wine glass

"Um, the cake?" Jonny asks eagerly

"Yes, course the cake," Jim takes the top of and it also says Lydia instead of Wilson.

"Lydia?" Adam looks at it

"Yes, got a bit confused when I was doing the icing and sort of copied the balloon" Jim explains as he cuts the cake

When Martin goes to get a slice, Jackie tries to stop him

"It's only a tiny nibble,"

"You promised!"

"Jackie, I had a bleedin' aubergine for Christ's sakes,"

Jim gives Jackie a slice and as the other eat I decide to wait for what they say about it

"It's quite crunchy," Jackie notes and I immediately put my slice down

"I wanted to make something that y'know, man and dog can enjoy together,"

"There's not any dog biscuits in here?"

"It's probably about half a half," everyone except Martin spits it out "by the way, there's a funny little pixie's house sitting in your drive,"

"We know,"

"It's a car!" Jonny defends

"Whose car is it? Well, it's completely covered in bird discharge. Bye all!" Jim leaves

"My new car," Jonny complains

"Aw shame," Jonny runs out to check on it

Jonny's phone starts ringing and Adam immediately grabs it

"Oh, just leave it," Jackie tells her oldest son

"It's Liz," He tells me

"Just put it down Adam," I groan

"Er, I don't quite think so," he presses answer before I can kick him.

"Hello?" he asks, trying to imitate Jonny

"Adam, it's his boss!" Jackie tries

"Hi Liz, it's me, it's Jonny. I've got a bit of a cold," he lies "she believes me," he tells us and I laugh, dumb cow. He puts her on speaker and Jackie continues to try and stop him.

"And how's the new car?"

"Er, fine, fine,"

"Well, aren't you going to say something nice then?" The fuck? The fuck?!

"Er, you're a great boss!" Adam attempts

"Why don't you ask me what I'm wearing," Oh god, oh fuck, oh go. He is cheating on me with Liz. Oh fuck. And I did fucking believed him the other week when he told me he was just working towards a promotion. Adam looks at me worriedly and I stare at the fruit salad, gripping the table tightly.

"Really? What're you wearing?" Adam asks reluctantly

"Oh, just my lacy thong," I nearly throw up and Jackie looks at me concerned, she puts a hand softly over one but I just grip the table tighter "tell me to take it off,"

"Take off your lacy thong?" Adam looks near tears as he has to say this

"Okay then. I'm taking it off right now -," The phone rings on the other end "shit, got to get that, see you later sexybum," she hangs up as Jonny comes in.

"You alright Lizzie?" he asks when he sees my face. Right, just say you're going to the loo and drive home, don't let his family think you're insane. You can pack his thing up and put a note on the front door of the flat.

"Yeah," I fake smile "just need the loo," I stand and as I go to leave Jackie gives me a concerned look, I smile and walk out.

I open and shut the toilet door then put my coat on, grabbing Jonny's key in the process. I go to leave then see the sledgehammer again. I quickly grab it and slam the front door. I walk up to the stupid fucking Pixie house and use the hammer to destroy it. As I continue to destroy the house atop the car, I let the tears fall. Stupid fucking Jonny Goodman! Fucking cheating on me! Absolute cunt!

"What the fuck?!" I hear Jonny shout through the window "You said you were going to the loo! What are you doing?!"

"Drama GCSE dickmonkey!" I respond

"Why're you doing this?!"

"Why don't you ask Liz 'sexybum'!" I give the house atop the car one more hit, I see a dent in the actual car and drop the sledgehammer, getting in the car. I see Jonny run out and he slams on the window, I put my middle finger up and drive off.

----------&----------

"Oi! Liz the fucking couger!" I shout, getting out the car at Jonny's office

"I'm sorry?" she turns around "Oh, you're Lizzie, Jonny's girlfriend?"

"Well, that's now debateable considering you've been shagging him behind my back!"

"What?"

"Don't act dumb! By the way, a lacy thong is not something a woman of your age should be wearing!"

"Well, maybe an older woman is what Jonny needs," I fake laugh

"Listen here, your crusty old cunt is none of my concern, but since no one's told you this before, your face really is resembling what's going on down there,"

"A-are you calling me a - ?"

"Cunt? Yes," I walk away and hear Jonny shout from a car, I look over and Adam's shitty red car is there with the whole Goodman family in it, he gets out and I walk away.

"Lizzie! Just listen! Please!" he runs after me and Adam pulls up next to me

"Want a lift home?" I open the door and Adam drives off

"I love you! Please Listen!" I hear Jonny shout one last time

"Lizzie -" Jackie starts

"No, please don't," Martin puts his hand on my shoulder comfortingly, I didn't think he had it in him to attempt to comfort someone

"Was that your mother?"