Joel went out of the house. His head was spinning. He didn't know what do. He wanted to go back in and then he thought maybe it was best to leave. But he did neither. He opted to go down to the beach. Everything was jumbled up in him. Her kiss was still burning so vividly on his lips. It was everything he imagined it would be. But the physical is not what he wanted. He didn't want another meaningless night of sex. He wanted more. He wanted all with Elena. He wanted her love. How does life get so complicated? He wished he now had his boxing bag in front of him.

In the house, Elena, brushed her tears off. All that she kept bottled up for years suddenly exploded.

Flashback

Earlier that day

Elena took a drink of juice from the kitchen, and walked slowly to the winter garden.

As she came to it, entering it, she heard the following,
"What is it - how much this time? It's all money, money with you. Did you oncecask how she is doing? She nearly died in this crash. She was in a coma. Not waking up for days. She is your daughter - do you get that, John? Elena is YOUR daughter, too!!! But you never cared!" Isobel tossed the phone on the table.

Elena thought she had crossed over into the twillight zone hearing what she heard.

And like in a daze she now walked to her mother.

"Did you just say that - John is - my father?"

Isobel, as per usual, dismissed it. Telling Elena she didn't hear it right.

"I need a drink"- Isobel said passing by her daughter. But Elena grabbed hold of her mother's arm and demanded she told her the truth.

From there on it was like someone set fire between the two women, untill Elena shot out of the house.

As she got all worked up, she now was calm and collected again.
She got out of the room and took her car keys. She got out and as walked to the front of the house, she saw that Joel's car was still there. She stood there puzzled for a second. He didn't leave? But, he was not around the house either. He must have gone down to the beach, she thought and now went looking for him.

"You are - still here?" Elena said as she saw Joel come to her.

"Yes. I - needed a walk - clear things up for myself. And - I couldn't just leave and let you stay - the way you are."

"The way I am - irrational you mean"

"Hurting- very badly" Joel said.

Elena was quiet. She crossed her arms. She looked away, hiding her tears wellinh up in her eyes again.

"I, "she started and paused, inhaling,"I apologize for - earlier. I - you were right, it's not - right. I don't know what I was thinking. I - everything inside of me is"

Joel moved to her and embraced her and the flood of tears burst.

And he held her again, like once before and let her.

Holding onto Joel still, Elena huffed a bit,"Everything is so - muddled up. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to be like this."

Moving out of Joel's hug, she brushed
her tears off with her palms. "God - I just got in such a huff over nothing really. It's so stupid. I don't know why I lost it."

"It must have been important. You know that it is ok to - let it all out. I mean - cry- there's been so many things lately. Losing Ansel was not easy ."

"Yes - so many things - Ah!" ,she stopped there, exhaling. She looked at Joel in a broken manner. "I am not Greyson Gilbert's daughter, though I am still a Gilbert. Huh - and - maybe I am making a big fuss - like I little girl- but - all these years- ah- nevermind"

Elena spun around and made her way back into the house.

"Don't shut it off - Elena, wait."

Elena walked on. "That's what we do best. Us Gilberts we shut everything off. Why not me?"

Joel stopped Elena, putting his hands on her shoulders, "Because it's not good. I've been there and trust me - it's not good."

Elena took a deep breath. Of course,she knew that it wasn't good. She and all of her family were masters of supressing feelings, pouring it into denials, or different directions- like work in her case or the case of her father, or drink like it was the case of her mother, or drugs as it was Jeremy.

"Oh, I know. It's not like I have not read about disfunctional families - or seen a psychologist. Well, I am about to marry one. Pathetic! Oh, God, it's so pathetic! Great Ms Gilbert, the business woman of the year- in reality can handle her own family, her own feelings- everything is such a pathetic mess. I am such a pathetic mess!"

Again she turned away from Joel and walked hurridly to the house, but then for some reason turned away from it and got in her car. Though Joel was right there behind her, he didn't anticipate her sudden change. The way she drove off, said that she was not in the right mindset. She was heaving some kind of nervous breakdown.

Joel quickly got into his car driving off right behind her. He couldnp't believe that she was driving like a madman. He feared for her life.

"Damn, Elena! What are you doing!" everything raged inside of him with worry. She shifted, accelarating over 140 miles an hour. In any other situation he would be impressed with her driving, as she showed incredible skills on the winding road in front of them. But, the way she was erratic and one slip of the hand or the foot, could be extremely fatal.

To Joel, who had still been dealing with the race accident, in which Tyler Lockwood died, now had all the flashes of the accident play in front of his eyes.

💘Meanwhile
At Klaus' apartment

"I think I am falling in love with you." Caroline said.

Klaus sat up and looked at the blonde, surprised at the declaration.

"What is it?" Caroline said." I know it's like- out of the blue - but- this is really good, and - "

"Look - I - " Klaus started, but it was enough for Caroline to shoot up from the bed and start getting dressed.

"We said that it's- no strings-" Klaus said.

"Yeah, no strings- ahm- I got to- be somewhere- I am so late on my article for the blog anyway-"

Caroline's phone now rang and she picked the call up,"Aiden? What's up?"

Aiden told her about Elena and her disappearing act. As she dressed, she rushed out of Klaus' place, trying hard to get hold of Elena.

💘

Just as she shot away, driving for miles and miles up the coast like a maniac, suddenly she decided to stop, in the middle of nowhere.

Joel, who was on her tail all the time, now shot out of his car,

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, ELENA? DO YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF?"

"WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT! SO WHAT?" she shouted back,"AAAAARGH!"

It was like all Hell broke loose, Elena screamed.

"Nothing. It's all lies, one after another. One huge lie of a family. The sweet perfect Gilbert family is nothing but a huge fat lie. Lie about Mrs Gilbert's drink problem, lie about Jeremy stealing and doing drugs. Lie, image polish. Play hapoy family for the camera. It's all false. I am false. I am so into playing the big boss, the untouchable Elena, she can deal with everything. Solve this, solve that, make deals, be on top of your game. You have to be the best, because we are the Gilberts, the best of the best. But we are such a shell of expensive clothes, make up, cars, houses. Nothing."

Joel stood, letting felt her pain, her feeling powerless, down, sad, lost, angered, useless, all different emotions that whirled together all at once.

He hated that he had shouted at her, but the fear of her hurting herself, or killing herself overcame him. He now apologized for it walking to her.

"Let me be" Elena said moving aside.

"I can't. I won't. I care way too much about you." Joel said.

"Come on, let me take you home."

"What did you- say?"

"I - yeah- I just- come on, let me take you home." Joel said again, knowing so well that his timing sucked enormously.

"Home is the last place I want to go."

"Ok. Then, I can take you back to that house in the cove or - a hotel or- my place?" Joel suggested.

"I really don't care." she uttered, quite absent-minded.

Joel stepoed closer and gently took her hands,"Come on, let's go."

Elena gave him a little look. He could see numbness setting in.

She nodded a little.
Wordlessly, she followed him to the car.

As he opened the passenger door, she slipped in. Before getting in the car himself, he made sure Elena's car is locked, and called Aiden, of course.

"Elena is with me. She is - ahm- she doesn't want to see anybody - can you - handle it?"

By the way, Joel's voice was deeply serious, Aiden understood that things were not good.

"Where are you?"

"We are going to my place." Joel said.

"Righ. Ok. Call you later."

"Yeah" Joel said in a low vouce and as ge hung up he started the car and they set off.

On the way back to the city, he glanced a few times at Elena, who just stared straight into the night.

He wished he could take away all the hurt, all that she was going through, away.

*

In the morning , Elena woke up finding herself in a strange bed. She heard voices coming from the small corridor. One of them was Joel and the other must have been his sister's, Elena thought. She got up and sat down on the bed.

Opening it, she startled the siblings a bit and Joel turned to her. "Sorry if we woke you up."

"No, I was already awake. I am sorry to have usurped your place" Elena said.

"Hey- I am Davina." the girl waved a little, introducing herself.

"Hello. Nice to meet you." Elena smiled a little.

"Yeah - me, too" Davina said back now looking at Elena like she was an extraterrestrial or something.

"Bathroom?" Elena asked, looking at Joel.

Joel directed her to it with a hand gesture, "down on the right."

"Elena Gilbert is in my house!" Davina couldn't help herself.

"Go and make coffee" Joel elbowed her to stop the girl from staring.

"All right." Davina made a face at him, still somewhat wide-eyed regarding Elena spending the night at the loft.

Joel followed his sister to the kitchen area, taking the bedding from the sofa where he slept on, taking it to the storage room.

"Shall I make some pancakes?" Davina asked."I wanted to buy some bagels. We are all out of juice, too. She probably doesn't even eat anything like that in the morning."

"I don't think she will stay for breakfast." Joel said.

"Oh" Davina sight disappointed.

"But you could make pancakes anyway. I will have some." Joel saidn and as his phone buzzed he picked it up and took the call. "Yes, Aiden. She is ik - no, she is in the bathroom at the moment. Ok. I will tell her."

Having finished the conversation Joel hung up and now sat down at the kitchen table. He appeared all calm and collected, but deep inside he was a bundle of nerves. No matter how much he tried to act rationally, he could not control his heart that was in total anguish. And all because of those three little words that came out the night before. Most inappropriately, but there it was and now he had to deal with them.

Davina poured them all some coffee and made the pancakes, even though, most probably, would not have them.

The girl was dying to find out how and why Elena ended up sleeping in their loft, but Joel was stum. He sipped his coffee and took a bit of the pancake.

Elena finally appeared, and Joel stood up like he was in the army and army general got in the room.

"How are you?" he said softly.

"Better. Thank you."Elena smiled a little directing her look at Davina and took the cup of the coffee that was obviously served for her. She then sat down at the table as well.

"I would have made the milk foamy. I know that you like the triple moccachino. I read it somewhere- but we haven't got the machine." Davina tried hard to impress the brunette.

"It's fine. I need a strong black coffee." Elena said and after a sip, she complimented the loft and its look. "This is a great place."

"Most of the interior designing was mine. I did have a little help from my cousin from New Orleans." Davina said proudly.

"You have a great eye for it. It's contemporary and yet feels so warm and inviting." Elena complimented the girl, who rose into the clouds.

"You really think so?" Davina couldn't stop gushing.

"Yes." Elena took another sip of the coffee. She now turned to Joel, who was quiet.

"I - will need a lift back - to the house." Elena said and stood up.

"Of course. Whenever you are ready. Uhm, Aiden called. He said to ask you to call him. He is really worried."

"Yes. Thank you." Elena nodded a little.

Since she had left her phone behind in the Cove, Joel offered his phone. Elena took it and went to the bedroom again to talk in private.

"She loves the place! And she said that I am goood!" Davina gushed some more, taken in by the compliments, not thinking she now took her phone wanting to write to her friends about it.

Joel took the phone out of his sister's hands."You can't tell anyone that Elena was here. I told you earlier, that it's - she just - it's complicated."

"I can see that. I am not stupid." Davina said grabbing the phone back.

"I never said that. It's just you - sometimes you act before you think -posting things on Insta."

Davina was all geared up to say something back at her brother, but now the doorbell went and both of them jumped somewhat surprised as they didn't expect anyone.

Joel got up and went to open the door.

"Is Elena still here?" Caroline said.

"Yes." Joel muttered and gestured to the blonde to come in. He knew that Aiden must have spilled the beans about Elena's location, which he could not oppose to. Caroline was Elena's best friend after all.

As Caroline walked in the living room area, shooting a look of approval at the place, Elena walked also in from the bedroom corridor.

"Hey you!" Caroline turned to Elena, who was not surprised to see her best friend there, as she just had heard from Aiden that Caroline was on the way and that he had to tell her where she was.

Caroline being impulsive as she was, went into the her signature scolding mood with her best friend, forgetting that they had an audience.

"I was worried sick. We all were. Like- what happened? What - did she do this time?" she obviously referred to Isobel.

Elena now made a grimace saying to the blonde that she didn't want to speak. Not there at least.

"Ok. Yes. Sorry." Caroline cooled down.

Elena now turned to Joel, and giving him his phone back, "I will go with Caroline. Aiden said that the car is being towed back. Thanks for taking care of that."

"No problem." Joel said.

And there, silence, tension filling up the air around, made both Caroline and Davina suddenly click that they were two people too many in the room and excusing themselves, the let them be on their own for a second.

The most awkward silence rose up.

Elena opted to talk first. "Thank you for - last night and I apologize again for having caused such- for being so out of it- thanks for everything."

"Elena- you don't have to- things happen- too much happened lately- and yeah-"

"Yes, way too much - and I really need to refocus. Get back on track- and- you- your job is safe. I sincerely apologize once again for the way I acted. Last night I don't know why I - never wanted to - use you. I am not like that."

"I know." Joel muttered. His stomach churned, as she looked at him with a mixture of painful angst and yet some mellowness.

"Yeah- right-" Elena took a deep longdrawn breath and she turned halfway to go and then looked at him now very seriously. There was the matter of I love you said by Joel that she had to now address. It was only fair, she thought.

"I - my feelings are - such a mess. And I need to figure things out and - yeah- I will see you, I guess. Bye."

Elena walked out of the loft leaving Joel feeling like a dagger just got shoved right into his heart.

*

a/n: super slow burn for Joelena.

thanks for reading ✺◟(❛‿❛)◞✺

xoxo