a/n: guys thank you so much for the 20K reads on this ff omg! this is incredible.

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the way back had been deathly silent. none of them said a word.

soon knew kihyun was angry because of the way he drove and held onto the wheel. he'd curse under his breath now and then as he passed cars like crazy on the avenue.

she knew that once they were back at the house, alone, she'd receive a sermon from him and deep inside she knew she deserved it.

and it was just like that, as soon as they got inside, he closed the door and turned to look at her, with fiery eyes. "what were you thinking?" he asked. his voice sounded tired yet furious.

she swallowed hard.

soon didn't have a complete answer. in fact, she didn't know what happened. she didn't know nor comprehend why she reacted that way.

"i don't know- i... i can only say that i am sorry." she tried to excuse herself, in a very lame way.

he sighed, closing his eyes slowly. he removed his jacket and shook his head. "i can't believe it." he said as he cursed under his breath.

kihyun walked forward and for a moment she thought he was going to her embrace but he walked past by. she tried to reach for him but he was quick enough to go straight to their room. she trailed behind him like a scolded puppy.

"are you mad at me? because of the way i reacted?" she said with a soft tone.

for the first time ever, she felt scared of what kihyun would do next. and this was something new for her. she had never seen him angry like this. and even though she knew he wasn't a violent man, she didn't understand why her heart was raced and scared like that.

"i thought you wanted to give it closure soon-ah... i can't- he stopped talking once he sat on the bed. his shoulders down, defeated, as his eyes fixed on a lost point on their beige carpet.

she felt guilty and stupid. deep inside she knew he had taken too much, way too much than he signed up for.

no other man in the world would forgive and forget what she did to him.

"i am sorry." she said, tears menacing to come down her cheeks.

he shook his head softly, somehow hurt over what his eyes witnessed in that place, minutes ago.

"are you in love with him?" he asked, once they stayed silent for over a minute.

the tone was hurt and sad. it was clear that he was hurting, the way he looked at her, his body language, even the way he stared at her.

he was heartbroken.

"i won't see him ever again, i promise – she said dragging to his feet, holding his hands and kissing them softly – he's out of our lives, for good." she added desperately.

somehow the thought of losing kihyun after all this, mortified her. she hated just think of it.

she couldn't picture now her life without kihyun in it.

"please, forgive me." she begged once more.

he stared into her brown begging eyes and felt his heart twitching.

he had forgive her many times and he have had the same feeling every single time.

kihyun couldn't understand the limits of his mercy. he didn't know how many more times he'd have to forgive her.

"why?" he asked, tears forming on his sweet eyes. "why him?"

soon's eyes widened as she leaned backwards, slowly leaving his hands. she blinked twice, thinking about the answer for the first time.

at first she didn't understand why he was asking such thing. it seemed like out of place.

but then she realized, she had never denied she had been in love with him and that's why kihyun was asking: why.

it was clear. why him? why hyungwon and not kihyun?

why she fell in love with him that way? how was it possible for him but not for yoo kihyun?

the man who had been knowing her for most of her life. the man who had been behind her, supporting her in need and cheering for her during her happy times.

why?

the answer wasn't easy.

in fact, she didn't have the answer.

feelings can't be controlled.

the heart can't be tamed.

there wasn't a simple explanation to it and if it was, soon didn't know it.

"i don't know."she honestly answered.

kihyun, hurt, looked down to his hands. as if he was realizing he had them for the first time and felt his heart breaking into millions of pieces.

"leave me alone, please." he said with a soft voice.

soon wanted to oppose but she knew she didn't have the right to do it. he deserved anything he asked her and for respect, she'd comply with his commands.

she nodded softly and stood from the ground, walking out of the room and finally leaving him alone.

walking towards the kitchen she thought about him and the things he said that night. how he talked to her and how he confessed loving her.

hyungwon was surely a troubled man.

she didn't know if he was 100% a psychopath since usual psychopaths can't develop deep feelings towards people, they usually have zero empathy towards anything.

and even though he tried to kill her more than once, on their final encounter, he had confessed his feelings of love for her.

the way he desperate talked to her and begged her to marry kihyun and to forget about him, provided her with new information.

maybe he wasn't a psychopath... or at least not completely.

one thing she knew was that those feelings were real. she knew it. and it was easy to know how.

the moments they shared together were more than enough. she knew there wasn't only chemistry but it was also a connection in another level.

she felt the tears running almost without any effort and she stopped in the middle of the kitchen, to wipe them away.

her throat felt sore and she grabbed a water bottle, thinking how she had betrayed kihyun in so many ways.

a quick thought popped into her mind as she realized she wasn't worthy of him.

he was just too good for her.

and deep inside she felt he was going to end everything that night. he was going to end the engagement and to break up with her and she knew it was okay.

if he didn't do it, she'd probably would, because he was too good for her and he deserved better.

soon didn't realized in what moment she made it to the couches on the living room, only the next morning, when a melodious voice awakened her.

"oh dear, what are you doing here? sleeping in the living room? dear god!" a feminine voice said as she entered the living room.

soon sat straight on the couch as she tried to focus her eyes on the silhouette in front of her.

a woman with excessive use of makeup and rounded glasses stared at her in disbelief. "did you and my son fought? is that why you're here? is the engagement canceled?" she asked all the questions one after the other, without giving her time to answer any.

"i- i...

"no one is cancelling anything... mom?" kihyun appeared on the door's frame, leaning on it with his hands crossed on his chest.

soon glanced at him with worried eyes. he stared at him mom for a long second but then shortly glanced at soon.

she noticed he was wearing a pair of black shorts and a white tshirt, barefoot and rested. "come on, let's have some breakfast." he said to both women.

the mom glanced at the pair but then quickly followed her son as soon trailed behind them. "why was soon sleeping in the living room? did something happen?"

"she was reading and i had headache yesterday so i asked her to sleep downstairs since i wanted to sleep – he started as he pulled out a basket of fruits from the frigde – she must have fallen asleep on the couch during her reading." he added, chopping them on a plate.

the mom glanced at soon. "dear... you should sleep in the room with your husband."

"mom... we're not married yet." kihyun quickly said as he chopped with care the fruits.

soon moved around, setting up the pot with the water, somehow helping with the process of making breakfast.

she wanted to do something with him, something together, even if it was small and meaningless as a breakfast. she just needed desperately to know if he still loved her or if he hated her.

"she knows."

"oh yes, i know eomeoni." she said nodding, passing close to kihyun, brushing her hand with his for a instant.

she felt her heart racing when he didn't reject her and she could finally breathe again.

after breakfast, kihyun's mom stayed for a couple of hours but then she said she had to pick up kihyun's father from the airport.

once they were left alone, soon walked behind him around the house, on their way back to the kitchen and she stayed closed to him as he cleaned up the dirty dishes. "i know what you're doing." he said out of nowhere.

her eyes widened as she stopped moving for a second. "and the answer is no. i don't hate you park soon." he said turning around, leaving the cups on the skin and looking for her eyes.

"i love you and the wedding is still on." he said with a reassuring nod.

soon felt as if her soul came back to her body and she couldn't do anything else but cry.

cry because she felt so lucky of having a man like him in her life.

words weren't enough to ask for his forgiveness. at this point, she was more than confident that she'd move on from this and she'd be happy with yoo kihyun once and for all.

"let's move the wedding date." she said finally wrapping her arms around his torso.

his eyes widened. "why?" he asked.

"i don't want it to be on april 4th." she said shaking her head.

"what?" he asked confused.

"let's get marry now. let's go." she said holding his hands, dragging him along.

he opposed, stopping her. "are you crazy? what about our parents? and the guests and the reception?" he asked with a confused yet surprised face.

"do you care about all that? because i don't!" she said holding his face between her hands.

it seemed he was thinking really hard about the answer but he also knew that deep inside he couldn't care less about any of that. he was simply trying to comply with both parent's wishes.

he smiled widely as he lifted her close to his body. "i don't give a fuck. let's get marry!" he exclaimed kissing her.

but even though soon had suggested the weeding to be that day, she didn't feel fully contented and couldn't help but wonder if that's how brides felt on their wedding day.

she wore a white dress she had on her wardrobe, it was short with lacy long sleeves and kihyun wore one of his black suits.

it was quick and secret. nobody knew but they.

"i will now pronounce you husband and wife, you can kiss the bride." the priest said.

he turned around and held her face between his hands and kissed her softly.

in that moment, soon closed her eyes and the only thing she could picture was hyungwon.

hyungwon wearing that black suit, his big hands holding her face and his full lips moving in sync with hers.

she felt terrible for it but a new feeling of inner peace built up inside her.

soon didn't know if that meant it was their last goodbye at least in her head.

or if that meant the truthful desires of her heart.

either way, it was only a product of her imagination since hyungwon wasn't there and will never be.

the months that followed the wedding day were pretty odd for soon.

after the family found out about the secret wedding, they were startled and they didn't want to talk to both of them at first, but then with time, they visited the house and brought the wedding presents for them.

kihyun's parents gifted them with a private yatch to sail on the waters of busan and soon's parents with a small apartment in thailand for vacation trips.

both presents were for them both to use them and both kihyun and soon accepted them with grace.

but days passed and even though kihyun tried by all means to make her completely happy, there was always something missing.

in those 3 months after the wedding he never realized this since soon tried to hide it. she'd be all smiles with him around but alone at night, she'd cry not knowing the reason why.

it wasn't until one time she was on the clinic's bathroom, inside the cubicle, just sitting alone, crying, when she heard about him again.

"i can't believe it! are you serious?" a group of nurses walked in chattering with themselves, their voices echoed inside the bathroom.

"yes! that's what i just heard! hyunwoo oppa told hoseok oppa the news."

"seriously? oh my god. but the clinics there were supposed to help him! how could this happen?"

"i don't know, but this is so sad. he was so handsome"

"but why? did you hear the reason why he died? how did he end up there?"

when soon heard the words she immediately felt a knot on her stomach.

the cubicle somehow stretched and she felt drowning slowly.

"apparently no one here knew what was wrong with him and after so many wrong diagnosis, the states took interest on his case and asked to transfer him to one of their clinics and while he was there... he had an attack and died, that's all i heard."

"oh my god... that's terrible."

"yes. and hyunwoo said that apparently he was sick."

"sick? how?"

"i don't know but something in his brain, like... a brain tumor or something. maybe he died from it."

"it can't be! i can't believe it!"

"he was so young!"

"poor hyungwon... may he rest in peace."

in that moment she felt her heart crashing and the urge to cry appeared again.

it had been confirmed and she had heard his name crystal clear.

hyungwon was dead.

the nurses looked at each other when they heard the crying moans coming from behind one of the cubicles and suddenly stopped talking.

they quickly rushed out of the bathroom chattering but soon stayed there, crying.

for a second she thought it had been a lie. nurses liked to talk sometimes and she had listened to them talking stuff that weren't truth before.

but once she calmed down, as soon as she walked out of the bathroom, every single person in the clinic was talking about it.

at some point on her way back to her office, she ran into hyunwoo and they didn't say a word. she just stared into his eyes and hyunwoo could feel her pain.

soon's eyes asked what her words couldn't and with a single nod of hyunwoo she realized everything was real.

hyungwon was dead.

realization hit her like a truck and she rushed to her office to cry alone. she knew her office was the only place she could do that since once she arrived home, she wouldn't be able to cry in front of kihyun.

he'd ask too many questions and once she answered, they'd be fighting over and over again.

but hearing of his death wasn't something she could digest so easily.

there were days where she still thought about him.

the rest of the day, she spent it like a zombie. like a dead person on the body of a living person.

her mind would go to the times they were together and she hated herself for it.

but truth be told, soon didn't want to admit the bigger truth that oscillated around her.

she tried to push it away just was the feelings and the memories of him.

and once her turn finished, she went straight to home. when she arrived she had only one goal between her eyes.

as quickly as she could, she looked for the box on one of the closets on the guests room and took it to the backyard, a liter of gasoline and matches between her hands.

"what in hell are you doing?" kihyun walked out of the house, worried with a desperate face.

he still had his white medical robe on him, he had just arrived from work.

soon was burning all the memories she once had from him. it was the only thing she could do and the faster the better. it would save her from the pain.

when kihyun noticed and realized what she was doing, he stared at her with worried eyes and shook his head in silence.

"he was transferred to the states some time ago." she said quietly.

he sighed. "i thought we wouldn't talk about him ever again."

"we're not. this is it." she said, tears running down her cheeks as her lips pressed in a thin line.

"why were you keeping all these things soon?" he asked worried.

"i forgot i had them until today." she said watching all the files, the medical reports she had done, the notes she had taken, pictures, everything, burning to the ashes.

"why today?" he asked with confussion, a frown appeared on his face.

"because he died." she said slowly turning around to look at him. "he's dead." she added.

kihyun's eyes widened in shock as he swallowed hard, staring at her with surprise. "what? are you serious?" he asked.

soon simply nodded, returning her eyes to the burning flames.

"it's better off this way." she admitted.

kihyun remained silent, standing behind her. he didn't listen exactly what she said since she spoke in almost a whisper.

"are you alright?" he asked finally, only to receive another nod from her.

he lose his tie and swallowed hard.

"i am sorry." he said looking away, feeling bad for him.

"i know." she simply answered, her fists clenching around the box of matches.

"just... just come inside when you're done." he said tired, finally walking back inside.

soon stared down at the burning papers as her tears dried one by one. she felt a new feeling building up inside her.

she couldn't decipher what it meant but she felt far away from him, with each passing second.

she felt as if hyungwon disappeared slowly from her life, as if he was vanishing.

it was better off this way, with him away, she could focus on her marriage with kihyun and she could try to be happy with him, just as she had been doing for the past 3 months.

once everything was burnt, she returned inside and took a bath, washing away every memory she still had from him on her body, washing away the ashes of the burnt papers and washing him away from her.

it was useless and it had always been.

"it's better off this way." she'd mumble to herself over and over again.

she stepped from the shower and wrapped a towel around her weak and clean body.

clean from hyungwon.

"it's better off this way." she mumbled again, combing her hair as she stared at herself on the mirror.

tired eyes from crying, bags under her eyes.

she put on her pajamas and walked towards the bed, where kihyun laid watching the tv and waiting for her. "how was your day honey?" he asked, glancing quickly at her.

somehow he was worried the news would affect her in ways that he couldn't handle. he just wanted to know if she was alright.

"fine... busy. how was yours?" she said approaching his resting figure, placing a soft yet distant kiss on his cheek.

soon was ignoring completely the news of hyungwon's death, but she thought this way, at least she could act like she didn't care.

"same old... i had a lot of patients today. i was craving a steak for dinner but forgot to stop by on the supermarket. maybe we can go that restaurant you like, tomorrow."

"sure." she said, applying lotion to her arms and neck.

once she finished, he turned off the tv and both of them got under the sheets.

kihyun kissed her and wished her goodnight, falling asleep almost immediately.

she turned around and placed her head on the pillow. she stared at the wall with empty eyes as a single tear ran down her cheek, wetting the white sheets.

hyungwon wasn't around anymore.

the thought hammered on the back of her head.

he wasn't in her life for good just as he told her he'd be. he stuck to his words and did what he promised.

but soon didn't feel better with it, she also didn't feel worse. she was just in the air.

trapped between two feelings.

the only thing she truly felt was pain. a dull pain in her chest just thinking of him.

but one thing she was sure, completely sure, since she kept repeating it to herself until she closed her eyes...

"it's better off this way." 

• the end •

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a/n: hey guys! this is it, the end of this story. as you might now by now i am a big fan of angsty stories, i really appeciate them and find them beautiful. i haven't write an angsty story in a long time. either way i know some of you will hate this ending but i still want to thank you for the incredible support and love you've given to this and many other of my fanfics. 

if you really really reaaaaally want a second part of this book... i am not going to lie, i might give it to you but the question is: would you read it? 

if you truly will read it then... i might publish a second book. so please let me know if you would like it?

i hope that you keep reading my published and upcoming stories too. if this is your first time here and this is the first thing you're reading from me. i invite you to read my other stories:

rain - a bts' kim taehyung fanfic

lonely - an astro fanfic

torn - a got7's jaebum & yugyeom fanfic

demesne - a monsta x's kihyun fanfic

solitude - a monsta x's kihyun fanfic

aligned - a monsta x fanfic

endless - a bts' kim taehyung fanfic

infinite thanks for reading and stay tunned because we have plenty coming!

lots of love,

author g.

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