18. Assimilate

'you do not just wake up,
and become the butterfly.
growth is a process.'
-rupi kaur

⤐

An hour later, Zeppelin sat cross-legged on the porch next to Daryl, watching him inspect his bow and bolts, messing with little parts that she had no clue what were for, but she just liked to watch. The air was crisp and clean, and the sun soaked into her skin like a heated blanket. She leaned back against the siding of the house, comfortable in this silence.

When he walked away after telling her he meant the kiss, every instinct she had told her to follow, to snag him by the back of his shirt and twirl him around, force him to explain himself. But she found the strength to contain her emotions, gave it some time before she headed back home. When she saw him sitting on the porch, muttering to himself about some part of the bow that was giving him trouble, she couldn't help but plop down next to him. He looked up once, then went back to his work.

Rick popped his head out the door and his narrowed gaze softened when it fell on them. He had changed out of his uniform already, now donning a fresh white shirt and black jeans. She had never seen him look so... normal.

"They said explore," he chuckled as the rest of their family piled out onto the porch, filing down the steps and out into the town. "So let's explore."

"Nah," Daryl cut in quickly. "I saw enough with her yesterday." He tilted his head towards Zepp, though he never lifted his gaze from the bow in his lap.

Zepp hid her smile behind a cough.

"Yeah, I'm good," she agreed.

Rick dragged a hand down his cheek, scanning the street for any listening ears before he crouched down to meet their level. "I have one I didn't turn in."

Daryl looked up at that, his brows knitted. "One what?"

Zeppelin scooted closer, scanning the street just as Rick did. "A gun?"

Rick nodded, tapping the waistband of his jeans. "It's hidden outside the gates.. it was before we came here. Just in case, you know? I want to check on it."

"Wait, I'll come with you." Zepp pushed herself off the porch and straightened, wiping the dust off the back of her pants. She looked to Daryl, who had gone back to fiddling with his bolts. "Well?" She pointed her question to him.

"I'll stay."

She rolled her eyes, leaning against the banister.

"You know," Rick murmured, gazing out into the neighborhood. "Lori and me, we used to drive through neighborhoods like this. Thinking one day..."

"Well, here we are," Daryl muttered, finally dropping the bow to wrap his arms around his knees, and though Zepp didn't look at him, she could see him in her peripheral, carefully watching her. "So what are we gonna do about it?"

Rick nodded in silent response, resting one hand on the railing as Zepp followed him down the steps and away from the house. The squealing gate rang loudly in her ears, and she gritted her teeth against the onslaught of noise.

Rick didn't seem to mind it, watching the horizon ahead of them as they turned left out of the gate. He touched every beam that they passed, as if he was checking the strength of the steel propping up the slabs of wall. Zeppelin smiled when she caught herself repeating the movements behind him.

They walked in silence for a long time, their shoulders bumping together every now and then. Zepp wiped away the sticky curls gathering on her forehead and sighed, resting her hands on her hips as they walked.

"Something on your mind?" Rick smirked.

She shot him a glare and shook her head. "Why would you think that?"

He shrugged, holding an overgrown branch out of her way as she followed him through the trees. "No reason."

It took everything she had not to roll her eyes, so she simply brought them to the sky, squinting into the afternoon sun. After they had gone at least three miles, they finally came up on a tiny cottage in the woods. The siding was chipped and faded, and the windows were coated in dusty grime. Trash, furniture, and random household items were piled up in the yard, as if the owners had tossed out everything that no longer held meaning to them once the world went to shit.

She didn't even want to know what the inside of the house was like.

A twig cracked around the corner of the house, and they whirled to face it in the same instant, Rick's Colt aimed towards the noise and Zepp's knife held in a death grip in her fist. The brim of a sheriff's hat peaked out, followed by Carl's inquisitive gaze.

Rick released a deep breath, dropping his gun to his side as Zeppelin stormed over to the young boy.

"Carl? What the hell are you doing out here?"

"I could ask you the same thing," he shot back.

"No, actually, you can't."

They stared each other down, gazes narrowed. Rick let out an exasperated sigh and Zeppelin felt the tension in her shoulders stiffen. "Come on, let's do this," he ordered. He leaned down, searching for something in the heap of garbage. He pulled out a cracked, stained blender, and the crooked smile on his face dropped the moment he opened the lid.

"Shit," he murmured.

Zepp stalked over to him, peering into the empty blender as if the weapon would suddenly appear under a second set of eyes. "Who else knew it was here?"

Rick ran a hand down his face, pulling at the taut skin of his cheeks. "Nobody. I came alone."

"So someone was watching," she murmured. The thought made her sick, her stomach twisting the way it did when she felt the eyes of Gareth's group hidden in the trees.

"Come on," he huffed, flicking the brim of Carl's hat. "Let's head back."

"Wait, don't you want to look around some more?" Zeppelin's feet stuck to the dirt underneath her.

"What can we do, Z? The gun is gone. Most likely taken by someone inside the walls.. so let's see what we can figure out from there." Her leader had spoken, and he turned from her, wrapping an arm around Carl's shoulders as they headed back to Alexandria.

She bit her tongue, pocketed her knife, and followed.

⤐

The sounds of muffled arguing brought the hairs on her neck to attention, and she quickened her pace until she was well ahead of Rick and flinging herself through the gate. Two of the men she met the first day were following Glenn, Tara, and Tyreese, hot on their heels.

"You three need new gigs," he shouted after them. "You're not ready for runs."

They ignored him, headed back towards the house they all shared.

"Yeah, pretty sure you got that backwards," Glenn shot over his shoulder.

The man she believed to be Deanna's son fisted his hands at his sides, and she found herself following each step he made, Rick and Carl hovering just behind her.

"Hey," he called to Glenn. "Hey! Look we got a way of doing things around here."

Her family finally stopped and turned back to face him. Tyreese's expression was a cool mix of disgust and indifference, Tara crossed her arms and popped out a hip as she waited for the men to explain themselves. Glenn caught Zeppelin watching from behind the man's shoulder, and he tossed her a small nod before he brought his gaze forward again.

"You tied up walkers," Glenn pointed an accusatory finger at the man.

"It killed our friend," he countered. "Look, I'm not having this conversation again. You obey my orders out there, end of story."

Zeppelin's lip curled in disgust, and only Rick's firm hand on her shoulder kept her from launching herself at the other man. The rest of her family had started to gather, along with the people of Alexandria. There probably wasn't a whole lot of action going on here, so she was certain this was entertainment for some of them.

"Then we're just as screwed as your last crew," Glenn glowered.

The heat coating her skin intensified tenfold as Daryl inched closer to her, the faded leather of his vest lightly scratching against her elbow.

The Alexandrian stepped into Glenn, almost chest to chest. "Say that again."

"Back off, Aiden," his friend mumbled.

Aiden didn't listen, instead shoving a finger into Glenn's sternum hard enough to make him stumble back.

Tyreese and Tara were the closest, each of them putting their hands up in surrender.

Zepp would not be so kind.

"Hey! Listen to your little friend and back the fuck off," she stalked over, choosing to ignore Rick and Daryl on either side of her.

"What did you say to me?" Aiden turned his gaze to her, his eyes swimming with rage and humiliation. She smirked at that. This was his way of proving himself, she realized. To his people and to himself that he was the big man around town, that he knew what he was doing when it came to the outside world.

Kid doesn't have a fucking clue.

"You heard me," she snapped.

"What do you have to say now, tough guy?" Aiden turned back to Glenn. "Huh?"

"Nobody's impressed, man," his tone was smooth and cool.

"Alright, that's enough," Officer Friendly finally decided to join the conversation just as Deanna came sprinting down the street, wrapping her navy coat tight around herself.

"Aiden! What is going on!?"

"This guy's got a problem with the way we do things," he growled. "Why did you let these people in?"

"Maybe because we actually know what we're doing out there." Glenn just couldn't help himself, and Zeppelin cheered him on. Everything that happened next was a blur.

Aiden twisted at the backhanded comment, aiming his clenched fist for Glenn, who ducked smoothly, landing his own hit directly into Aiden's nose. His friend moved quick, barreling towards Glenn with a snarl.

Daryl was faster.

He crashed into the man at full speed, wrapping his arms around his waist and slamming him to the ground, holding him down. The shouting echoing around Zeppelin faded when she saw Aiden jump to his feet, aiming for Daryl's back this time. She quickly snagged her knife from its hiding spot in her boot and stepped between them, holding the blade to his chin.

"You wanna end up on your ass again?"

He bared his teeth at her, but wisely put his hands up in surrender.

"I said that's enough," Rick snarled, pulling Daryl off of the other man. The archer was not so easily sedated. He wiped the back of his hand across his mouth, pacing back and forth like a wolf poised to strike. Rick matched his movements with one palm out to his chest, blocking his view of Aiden.

Daryl looked to Zeppelin, a question lingering in his eyes.

She nodded once, a small dip of her chin.

I'm okay.

He snatched his bow from where it fell to the ground, and tossed Rick another glare before he stalked away. The fighting had ceased, leaving an awkward tension in the air around the group and those who had gathered to watch.

"I want everyone to hear me, okay? Right now." Deanna's voice, normally cool and soft, now had an authoritative crispness. "Rick and his people are part of this community now, in all ways as equals. Understood?"

The people of Alexandria looked to each other, some murmuring a half-assed response.

"Am I understood!?" She shot her dagger-like glare to Aiden and his friend.

"Understood," Aiden conceded, watching Zeppelin with a calculated smirk.

She flipped him off when Deanna wasn't looking.

The others slowly filtered away, back to whatever they were doing before they were interrupted by the show, leaving only Deanna and their group.

Deanna's sharp gaze fell to the knife Zepp held in a white-knuckled fist, and she held her hand out expectantly. Zeppelin clamped her jaw shut so hard she was sure her head would explode, and slapped the knife in Deanna's palm before moving to stand next to Glenn, crossing her arms.

"Never again," was her only order.

Zepp nodded in response, her cheeks flushing red. With anger or embarrassment, she didn't know or care.

"Thank you," Deanna murmured then, looking up at Glenn.

He shifted his weight between his feet and cleared his throat. "For what?"

"For knocking him on his ass," she smiled.

Maggie laughed, and the tension dissipated like vapor as everyone went on with their day.

Zepp and Rick found Daryl back at home, sitting on the back porch banister with a cigarette hanging from his mouth. Zepp raised herself up next to him and took it from his lips, inhaling deeply.

"Hey," Rick murmured in greeting. "We good?"

Daryl grunted, what could've been taken as a yes, and took the cigarette back from Zepp. "So, you're a cop again?"

Rick leaned against the side of the house, tilting his head to watch their family inside gathering in the living room. "Yeah, I guess so."

"Just remember the chokehold's illegal, asshole."

Rick laughed at whatever memory that brought up, and shook his head. The sound of the back door clicking shut made them all jump, and Carol smirked at them.

She had played her part well here. With kind eyes and a bright smile, and clean, freshly pressed clothes, she looked every bit the suburban housewife. What these people didn't know is that a viper laid beneath that mask.

"So," she kept her voice down as she straightened out her baby blue cardigan. "We're staying?"

"I think we can start sleeping in our own homes, settle in."

Zeppelin's skin seemed to tighten at that, and she had to actively work not to look at Daryl.

Which house will he pick?

"If we get comfortable here, we let our guard down... this place is going to make us weak."

Zepp mentally kicked herself for not thinking as Carol did, for allowing her mind to wonder about things like sleeping arrangements when she should be planning how to keep her family safe. She angrily snatched the cigarette back from Daryl, who raised his brows but said nothing.

"You know, Carl said that," Rick mused, resting his palms against the rail of the porch. "But it's not gonna happen." He pushed away and stalked over to edge, gazing up at the steel wall just a few feet beyond their house. "We won't get weak. That's not in us anymore. We'll make it work."

Carol crossed her arms in exasperation, following the trail of his eyes.

"And if they can't make it..." Rick lowered his tone, turning back to face them.

"Then we'll just take this place."

⤐

Just as Zeppelin had feared, Veronica and Rosita all but slung her over their shoulders and carried her to the party. They spent time with her picking out an outfit from the few piles of clothes they managed to gather between the three of them and stayed glued to Zepp's side until they walked through Deanna's door, as if they were afraid she'd dart away like a rabbit the moment they took their eyes off her.

  The bright lights from solar powered energy were foreign to her now, and the sound of music playing softly in a corner put her on edge. Ice clinked in ornate glass cups, the alcohol swishing around carelessly. People chattered in groups scattered around the home.

  She couldn't hear her own thoughts.

  Veronica flitted off to the bar, her freshly washed strawberry blonde curls bouncing off her shoulders. She looked at home here, pouring herself a drink and introducing herself to a few of the people standing nearby. She looked every bit the social butterfly, cheerleader princess she had always been.

  Meanwhile, Zepp, Rosita, and Abraham awkwardly hung by the door, shifting their weight and scanning the room.

  "I don't know about this," Abraham grumbled.

  "They have beer," Rosita offered with a shrug.

  Abraham paused, running his fingers over the flaming orange beard adorning his chin. "I'm willing to give it a shot."

  Zeppelin bit back a groan as she recognized the sound of Deanna calling out to her, followed by a waving hand pushing through the crowd to reach her.

Deanna was relaxed, a drink in her hand and a twinkle in her eye. "You came," she smiled, and placed a hand over her chest.

Didn't think I really had a choice.

"Wouldn't miss it for the world," she plastered on a fake grin.

Deanna laughed and shook her head, linking one arm through hers as she pulled over to the bar. Rick stood there with another man, tall with whispy grey hair and silver glasses with round frames.

"Zeppelin, this is my husband, Reg. I was just introducing Rick."

Zepp smiled politely, nodding at Reg, and casually inched herself closer to Rick. "Nice to meet you."

"So you're Z, huh?" Reg sipped on his drink, watching her as if he just found a new project. It took all the patience she had not to sneer at him.

"Yep, guess so."

"I watched all the tapes, your people had a lot of good things to say about you. About both of you," he dipped his chin in a nod towards Rick. "Saving lives out there, that's an amazing feat. Here, have a drink."

He grabbed two crystal rocks glasses off the bar and twisted open a bottle of scotch. She looked to Rick, who was already eyeing her.

"No, thank you," Zepp waved out a hand. "I'm good."

"Yeah, same here," Rick agreed.

Reg and Deanna didn't listen, and the scotch swooshed into the glass as Deanna threw some ice in with a clink.

"You don't have to be good here," she reminded Zepp with a wink, handing her the glass.

Zepp took it, purely because what else is she supposed to do with it, and forced a polite smile. Rick did the same, sipping gingerly on the smooth amber liquid.

  Fuck it.

  Zeppelin downed the scotch in one large gulp, slamming the glass back on the marble counter with an unnecessary amount of force. She winced, and met Deanna's eyes only to find them crinkled with laughter.

  "Reg dear, pour the girl another one."

  Glenn and Maggie were the next to file in, and Zepp made a beeline for the brunette, linking her arm with hers.

  "You ready to bolt yet?" Maggie chuckled with a quirked brow.

  "I'm giving it some time," Zepp grumbled, forcing herself to sip her second drink slowly as she poured Maggie one. "No promises, as long as I can sneak out when V and Rosie aren't looking."

  Like cats listening for the bag of catnip, Veronica and Rosita appeared from thin air, holding their own drinks and whispering to each other lowly. Maggie snorted, lacing her fingers through Glenn's and pulling him off to talk to Deanna.

  Zeppelin spent the better part of an hour making small talk, as much as she could manage in a god damn apocalypse anyway. Every time someone mentioned the weather or the gardening, she pictured herself slamming her crystal glass into the nearest surface and screaming at the top of her lungs for everyone to just shut the fuck up.

  Instead, she smiled and nodded, tipped the glass back a few too many times, and wandered away to the next person she'd be forced to interact with.

  By the time the sun had set and four drinks had long passed, she was in a much better mood.

  Rick and Carol huddled in a corner, carefully watching the party unfold without seeming too intimidating. It didn't matter. Even with Carol's cheery, demure mask she kept up, everyone saw the state Rick was in as they came in.

  He was hardly just a man, and that kind of thing doesn't go away.

  She weaved through the bodies scattered around the living room, casually leaning against the wall next to Rick. Without sparing him a glance, she sipped her drink and murmured over the glass.

  "We still on?"

  She saw Rick nod from the corner of her eye, and Carol matched the movement.

  "Olivia just got here," the woman's words barely carried over the old record player spinning in the corner. "That's my cue."

  They had decided Carol would slip away at the height of the party, climb in through the armory window she conveniently managed to unlock earlier in the day, and snag as many guns as she could manage without calling too much attention to what's missing.

  "I'll come with you," Zepp whispered, already passing her glass to Rick.

  "Nope," Carol held up a finger, brushing past them to slip out the door. "Remember, I'm invisible here." She tossed them a wink, and then disappeared into the night.

  "Must be nice," Zepp grumbled, slumping back against the wall.

  Rick laughed and ran a hand down his tired face. She noticed he did that a lot lately.

  "One day at a time, remember?"

  Carl's laughter carried, and they both twisted their necks to follow the melody. He stood with two other boys his age, and it almost looked normal. She wondered if that's how Benji would've looked with his friends.

  No. No, not now.

  She downed the fifth drink quickly, ignoring the way Rick watched the liquid slide down her throat with a concerned expression.

  "One day at a time," she agreed quietly, and stalked away to go bother someone else with her cheery mood.

  Another hour passed, and a warm, heady feeling had settled over her, fogging her brain and weighing down her tongue.

  "Hey, you don't have an A on your hand!"

  She looked around, then followed the noise down to a small boy with an innocent face and bright eyes, holding his tiny hand up to show her the blood red 'A' stamped on. Her skin prickled at the memory of the large red 'A' painted on the train car in Terminus where they were kept, smelled the rotting flesh wafting through the smoke, felt the crack in her skull as she slammed her head into Gareth's.

"What's it for?"

"Alexandria, duh!"

"Oh," she mumbled, awkwardly looking around to see if anyone was missing a child. "Well, okay." She held out her hand for him as he fumbled with his stamp and ink. He pressed the rubber A onto her skin with light force, grinning wide as he pulled it away.

  She softened at that face. "What's your name, kid?"

"I'm Sam!" The boy couldn't have been more than twelve, with sandy blonde hair and blue eyes.

"Zepp." The smile cracking her numb lips was one of the few genuine smiles she managed to pull together this evening.

"Sam!" A light voice called out through the crowd of people in Deanna's living room. Standing next to Rick was a blonde woman with soft, milky skin and a cheery smile. She waved the boy, who Zepp could only assume was her son, over towards her.

"Gotta go," he tossed back to her as he bounced away. She caught Rick's eye for just a moment, and there was something different in his gaze. He seemed... hopeful. He gave her a small nod of the head and turned back to the woman.

She wandered over to the couch where Maggie, Glenn, and Abraham were laughing, sharing a bottle of champagne. She plopped next to Maggie, sipping slowly on the drink she promised herself would be the last one.

"Hey, you," Maggie's soft southern drawl purred. "I was just about to come lookin' for you." Her gaze dropped to the 'A' on her hand, a smile twitching at the corners of her mouth. "Sam got you too, huh?" She held her hand out next to Zepp's to compare.

"Yeah," Zepp huffed breathlessly. "Sweet kid."

  Maggie murmured her agreement, shaking her head softly as Abraham cackled at something Glenn said. As she gazed around the room, her bright green eyes grew darker, sadder.

  "Wish Beth could've seen this place," she whispered. "And Daddy." She smiled then, though it didn't really reach her eyes.

  "I'm sorry they couldn't," Zepp consoled, shifting closer to her friend. She never could bring herself to ask Maggie directly what happened to her family. She knew what Daryl had told her, had watch him carry the weight of that guilt every day. They could only hope she was taken by someone who genuinely thought they were helping her. They could only hope she was somewhere taking care of people, singing at night and bringing a smile to everyone's faces.

  And Hershel... Tara had said enough.

Maggie took a deep breath, forcing her smile to widen as she turned on the couch to face Zepp. "You start going on runs tomorrow right?"

"Yep, that's the big plan."

"Well I'm glad you'll be able to get out of here for a while, I know you've been itching to go." She looked around their surroundings for a moment, as if watching for listening ears, and brought her head in closer. "And you get some time with Daryl, added bonus."

Zepp choked on her drink, swiping the liquid from her chin. "What!?"

Maggie smirked, her light laugh trickling over the music. "Now don't start actin' silly. I see the way you two look at each other. It's not a bad thing," she chuckled and bumped her shoulder lightly. "In this shit storm of a world," she paused, reaching for Glenn's hand. "Don't waste any time."

Zepp couldn't find the words to push past her numb lips. Words weren't even forming in her brain anymore, the alcohol drowning every coherent thought. She opened and closed her mouth, looking down at her lap to hide the smile she could feel itching to be free.

"Where is he, anyhow?" Maggie pushed on. "I haven't seen him all night."

"You know him, this isn't really his thing."

"Yeah, well, too bad," Maggie demanded. "We're a family, this is our welcome party, he should be here. Find him and drag his ass here." She winked at her, grinning.

Zepp's freezing heart thawed, and for once she basked in the warmth of a friendly conversation that didn't involve pure survival. She rose to her feet and downed the rest of drink in one gulp, bending at the wait to give a small bow to her cheering friends before heading towards the door.

  Just as she reached the threshold, she saw Veronica standing just around the corner with Eugene and Rosita. She was staring at her, a questioning forming on her pink, pouted lips.

  Zepp bounded through the door before she had to face any form of interrogation.

The cooling night air laid like misty dewdrops against her skin, the cicadas and crickets created a symphony in the trees around her. A warm fuzzy feeling had settled deep in the pit of her belly, growing warmer with every step. She didn't know where her feet were taking her, and if he was even anywhere she could find him.

  All she knew was she needed to see his face.

  She strolled past the infirmary, pausing to watch the pond close by rippling in the moonlight. It reminded her of the pond in her grandmother's backyard, though this was much larger, and she shook the memories out of her brain, resuming her search for Daryl.

  The lights were on at Aaron and Eric's house, and she heard the light clinking of dishes as she got closer. She could see in the living room window that they were sitting down for dinner, and their guest took her completely by surprise.

  There was Daryl sitting across from them, slurping a giant scoop of spaghetti into his mouth. She almost burst out laughing at the sight.

  She wanted nothing more than to go through that door, grab him out of his seat and drag him outside to talk to her. And maybe she wanted to crush her lips hard against his, but she knew that was just the alcohol talking and refused to give any attention to those thoughts.

  But she knew that maybe more than anyone else in the group, he needed this. He needed interaction, to know that people cared for him. And it couldn't come solely from her. He carried the burden of the entire group's guilt, placing it all on himself. He deserved to have a nice dinner with friends.

  She smiled to herself and kept walking.