⚠Trigger Warning⚠
This chapter includes mentions if child abuse, homophobic actions/slur. Please read at your own risk.
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Hwan suddenly got up when he realized he was in the room where the old boxes were. With a sigh of relief, he started to went through the boxes.

In the middle of his search, he heard sound coming from the other side of the wall. It was not an unexpected thing and Hwan was used to the incomprehensible yellings from his father, but the sound was getting louder and louder. Hwan closed his ears and shut his eyes, hoping it would silence the screams a bit. But it didn't take him long to realize it was not going to work.

He was breathing through his nose when he got up in anger. He knew there were no other doors, but there were walls. He threw the first thing his hand could reach to the wall.

He had enough. He had enough of the meaningless screams and mumbles. He had enough of his own mind limiting his search for his past. He had enough of his own cowardness. While throwing everything he can reach to the walls, his eyes filled with angry tears.

Suddenly, a beam of darkness came out of the small hole he opened on the wall. He ran there and started to scrape the hole with his bare hands while trying to see the other side of the wall.

He finally stopped when he had a better view of the room behind the door and the voices were clear. The room was dark, but there was a single flickering lightbulb that helped him see what was going on. There was a teenager on the floor hugging his legs and a man screaming at him, calling him names. The boy was roughly fourteen or fifteen. He was covered with bruises and he was bleeding. His silent sobs were muffled by the screams of the man.

Hwan instantly understood that the kid was him when he was younger. He formed his hands into fists in frustration and punched the wall. He wanted to get in there and beat his ass, but judging by the fact that neither of them do something while Hwan was making a hole in the wall, he was invisible to them. He couldn't do anything other than watch his father screaming and beating his younger self in boiling anger.

"God, what sin did we commit for you to punish us with a faggot?!"

He was about to back off when he suddenly heard what his father said. "Wait..." he thought to himself. "They knew I'm gay all along?"

He dropped himself on the floor with a sudden realization. His eyes filled with tears as a pain grew in his chest. He clutched on his shirt, he was suffocating.

Now he knew what happened in his past. All the suffering he went through, all the names he was called, all the beating he got,... was only because he was gay. His parents did those things to their own flesh and blood just because he was gay.

07.11

After the small meeting they had, Kyong and Xander improved their relationship. Xander was starting to get better and better with each passing day. His new medication was finally starting to work and his period was over, which played a huge role in his mental recovery. Besides hospital trips that happened every two days, they talked on the phone every day as well. Even though Kyong was working hard and started to spend more time in the hospital, he always spared time for Xander. He was just happy to be around him again and seeing him smiling slowly became his motivation to go through the day. With the things going on with his family nowadays, Kyong really needed support.

On the other hand, it was hard to say there were improvements in Joo-Won and Hwan. After that day, they never saw each other again. Hwan was acting even more distant than usual to everyone and he closed himself. Kyong and Min wanted to help him, but they knew he would only open up to Joo-Won, who was avoiding facing him. Joo-Won walked Xander when he wanted to go to the hospital, but never found the courage to go in. So, he just sat on a bench and waited for his brother for hours.

Today was a day just like that. Xander got inside, looking sadly at his older brother who turned his back to the door. He sighed and walked to the elevator, but stopped when he heard his name called.

"Xan!"

"Kyong!" He quickly turned around and granted a smile to the boy that was fast-walking towards him. Before Xander could greet him, Kyong hugged him and placed his cheek on his head. He closed his eyes when Xander hugged him back. Even if it lasted for just a couple seconds, a small amount of positivity filled in the floor, causing some of the patients and workers to smile.

Kyong backed away and smiled until his eyes were gone. Xander smiled as well and planted a quick kiss on his cheek. "Hi."

Kyong placed his hand to the place where Xander just kissed and shyly caressed it with a smile. "H-Hi." He felt all of his worries fly like the wind out of him.

"Ugh, you two are too cute!" The two turned to face Min and Hwan in his wheelchair, who were on their way to electrotherapy. Hwan was smiling at them. Like, who could not? They were the definition of cuteness.

Kyong scratched his nape with an embarrassed look. "Sorry I just got happy."

Min smirked and teased him by lightly punching his arm. She tried to avoid looking at his overtired face and the dark circles under his eyes.

Even though the moment was fun, Hwan couldn't help but feel sad while examining the place, his eyes trying to find Joo-Won. Even though he did not want to admit it, he was dying to see him. He needed someone to talk to and the only person he wanted to do it to was Joo-Won.

Xander's smile faded too when he saw how desperate Hwan looked when he was scanning the room with his eyes. He was very closeted nowadays and Xander knew he needed Joo-Won. He got closer and got on his knee. "Hey, it's okay... He is still outside. Why don't I go and get him for you?"

Hwan shook his head and looked at the floor in silence. Both Min and Kyong turned to them, no trace of the happy faces they had a second ago. Seeing both Hwan and Joo-Won like that was hard for Min and Kyong, but it was especially harder for Min since she knew both of them for quite some time now.

Min was only 20 when she first came to the hospital and ever since he knew Joo-Won. After nearly 10 years, she met with 17-year-old Hwan. He was a very quiet kid and nearly never responded to her questions that were not related to his health. Hwan was not her patient since, weirdly, only two doctors were allowed to go in his room, but she liked spending time with him in secret and helping him open up little by little.

It went like that until the day his family said they wanted to talk to her one day. When they first offered her money to make Hwan stay at the hospital and leave him because 'he was useless now', Min went insane. She couldn't believe how someone would do this to their own child and was screaming at them how they should be ashamed of themselves. The amount of disgust she felt in her entire life was nothing compared to what she felt towards them. She was so shocked and mad that she forgot to call the police, which she regretted ever since.

But the next day, she found out they had a talk with the head of the hospital and did what they plan in exchange for a great amount of money. The poor boy was left all alone in the small hospital room, totally unaware of what was happening and waiting in silence.

After finding out about that they got away with their sickening agreement, Min immediately started to fill out her resignation letter.

She always had suspicions about Hwan's parents ever since the day they arrived. When asked about the reason why Hwan was in that condition, they said it was a mistake of a careless nurse that injected a needle in the wrong place. But deep down, she just knew that was not what happened, but she had no proof. She was still trying to find out what really happened but it was nearly hopeless since everything was a secret about Hwan's family.

Min was walking up to her boss's room when she heard the silent cries of Hwan, who eventually found out what happened. It was the first time Min saw Hwan showing an emotion, and it broke her heart to see the first emotion she saw was sadness. She stayed in front of his door for hours and pondered and pondered... until she silently ripped the paper and tossed it into the trash.

She couldn't do that. She couldn't just leave that poor boy, all alone with these disgusting people. They were ready to prison a teen just for cash, which they are still continuing to do. Min tried to contact the police and tell them everything countless times, but every time she did that, it just never worked. She knew there were people in higher places that the hospital was using against her, and it made her feel even more defeated.

After that day, Min and Hwan grew closer, eventually, their friendship turned into a brother-sister bond. And Min hated to see her little brother sad like that. He looked too much like the helpless boy whose parent's abandoned him.

While the two were trying to talk to Hwan, Min silently got away and walked to the door. When she got out, her eyes searched for Joo-Won. It was not hard for her to spot him sitting on a bench since he was taller than average.

In silence, she went up to him. "Is this seat taken?"

Joo-Won lifted his head and shook his head with a smile.

Min smiled sadly as she sat down beside him. "Why don't you come inside? The weather is getting colder."

Joo-Won turned his head to the grass again. "I'm okay, no need to worry."

A silence fell between the two, which was not likely to happen because both of them were pretty energetic people. In the end, honest Min was the one to break the silence. "It's because something happened with Hwan, right?"

Joo-Won sighed and looked at her. "You have eyes like a hawk." He messed his hair in frustration. "I just don't understand him. One moment, he is holding my hand and in the other one, he is trying to avoid me. You saw us the day before Xander came to the hospital, but now... I don't like this. I hate this."

Min sighed and patted his shoulder, then looked up to the sky. "You know Joo-Won... He is having a hard time." Joo-Won looked at her in confusion while her eyes were fixed on the sky. "After years of knowing him, I can surely say that he is avoiding you because he doesn't want to lose you."

Now, Joo-Won was even more confused than he was before. "But why is he doing this? It doesn't make any sense!"

"I know it doesn't. But trust me in this. He prefers if you just walk out of his life instead of having a conflict. He cherishes you so much that the thought of making you feel bad eats him alive."

Joo-Won widened his eyes. Was he really that important to him?

Min finally turned her head to Joo-Won, but the second their eyes met, Joo-Won just wished she would continue to look up to the sky. The sadness in her eyes was enough to make him gulp.

Something bad was going on.

"There is something else, right?"

Min took a trembling breath. "Look Joo-Won. I hate lying to you, and I never hide anything from you. Especially if it's about health. And I am telling you this because Hwan trusts you and lets me share his information with you."

"Min..."

"There is something wrong with him. One day he just suddenly started to avoid us and ever since he has this expression that looks like he is scared. He nearly never talks and when we try to talk to him, his eyes just roam around the room like his mind isn't quite with us."

Joo-Won dug his nails into his other arm without even realizing it. Min was too busy trying to calm herself while speaking to realize what he was doing. "But that's not only it. His doctors suggested I increase the voltage of his electrotherapy. It is painful for him to even now, so I just can't imagine how it will go when it's even more increased. I'm scared that... I'm scared that it will only make him close up more." She closed her eyes and forced herself to hold her tears. Even the thought of Hwan being in pain made her sad. She then opened her eyes back again, meeting with Joo-Won's worried eyes. "His condition is not good, Joo-Won. I already told you this. And-"

What stopped her was Joo-Won's phone which was ringing. It was Kyong. Joo-Won quickly opened it after apologizing to Min, since it might be about Xander. He got up in stress, causing Min to worry too.

"Kyong? Did something happen to Xander? I'm coming there where are-"

"Joo-Won..."

Joo-Won's words got stuck in his throat when he heard Hwan's trembling voice. He plopped down to the bench after freezing for a couple seconds.

"Hwan?"

Min quickly turned her head in concern and closed her mouth with her hands.

"I-" His hiss in pain from the other end of the phone felt like a stab at Joo-Won's heart.

"He must be in his therapy..." Min looked at him sadly. She already told the doctors she couldn't stand him being in that much pain, and they warned her not to go near him in his sessions since her emotions can stress Hwan. So she was not allowed to stand by his side, which broke her heart.

"Joo-Won I know you hate it and I know I'm being selfish but please... I can't do this. It hurts too bad I can't-" His silent moan in pain was enough to make Joo-Won start crying. "I can't do this alone... please... can you stand by my side...?"

His muffled sobs and sniffs mixed with his heart-wrenching voice were making Joo-Won feel helpless. He closed the phone and without looking back, he ran inside the hospital, leaving crying Min alone by herself.

While he was running down the stairs and causing a small amount of panic among the patients around him, the only thing he could think about was how Hwan's voice was a second ago. His crying voice was echoing in his head, which made him jump a couple stairs to get there sooner.

When he finally reached the floor Hwan was in, he searched for Kyong. As he found him sitting on the chair with Xander by his side, he ran up to them. "Kyong. Where is he?"

He pointed at where he was, unable to lift his sad gazes from the floor. Xander was caressing his back to calm him down when he turned his worried eyes to Joo-Won. "Are you sure-"

But before he could even finish it, Joo-Won opened the curtain of Hwan's room and closed it after getting in. Hwan was sitting on a stretcher, a piece of blanket covering his upper legs, but he could see the wires stretching under the blanket. The rest of his legs were nearly invisible because of the cables. At first, Hwan didn't realize Joo-Won got in because he was pressing his palms to his head and pulling his hair furiously to draw the pain to somewhere else.

It was not until then that Joo-Won came back to his senses and now was aware of where he was. When he saw how much in pain he was, his heart skipped a beat, causing a wave of pain in his chest. Without saying or doing anything, he threw himself out.

When he saw Joo-Won, Xander quickly went up to his brother and held his shoulders in great concern. "Joo-Won! Can you hear me?"

Joo-Won just nodded while trying to steady his breathing. The second he tried to close his eyes, Yukio's face was filling his mind. He could still hear his screams in his head. This was causing him to frantically look around for an exit.

When he realized his vision was getting more and more blurry and couldn't understand where is where, he squatted down and sobbed while trying to calm himself down, but it was too much. He couldn't bear it.

Xander looked around in panic as some other nurses saw what was going on and started to gather around. "He just needs a minute, please."

When he realized neither of them was any close to getting calm, Kyong got up and put his hand on Xander's shoulder. "Let me try."

"B-but..." Xander sighed when Kyong reassured him with a smile. After the people around them also left, he nodded in defeat before going back to sit down and calm himself. He could never get used to seeing Joo-Won like that.

"Joo-Won?" Kyong silently squatted next to him and put his hand on his shoulder. "Hey, it's okay. I know you are in pain right now and this is hard for you, and it's okay."

Joo-Won sniffed and looked at him. "No it's not! He needs me and I'm-"

"Being selfish." Kyong watched as Joo-Won closed his mouth and went back to looking at the floor as Kyong continued. "Can I tell you something?" Joo-Won nodded as Kyong took a deep breath. "My mother is sick. She was sick for some time now, but this time it's the worst. She had been bedridden for a few days and the doctors told us to prepare ourselves for... you know."

Joo-Won wiped his tears even though they continued to stream down to his cheeks and looked at Kyong with slightly widened eyes. "Kyong..."

"But I can't go to her." Kyong sat in front of him and sniffed. He was trying his best not to cry. "Not because I can't find tickets, not because I don't have enough money, not because of my job or anything... It's because I just can't see her like that. I know she needs me and my entire life I felt ashamed of wanting to move out because I wanted to get away from my mother and her sickness, but I just can't do it. I can't go back there. Do you think I'm selfish for it?"

Joo-Won found himself shaking his head left to right.

Kyong sniffed again and quickly wiped the single tear that rolled to his cheek. He didn't want Xander to know about it, he had been through enough. "I don't think so either. Joo-Won, this is not selfishness. You are trying and Hwan knows this too. He knows this is not an easy thing for you and he knew there was a chance that you couldn't get in. We all know this is hard for you. I don't need to know your story in order to see how much you are trying and struggling. But I know that even coming here was a big step for you, and it is very brave of you."

Joo-Won looked at him again, a small glimpse of hope in his eyes this time. "Really?"

Kyong nodded with a small smile and caressed his back.

Silence fell between the two as Joo-Won finally found the courage to talk again. "I'm scared Kyong... I can't look at him without seeing Yukio and how much in pain he was before... dying..."

Kyong took a shaky breath. He didn't know. "I'm sorry... It's okay if you are not ready. Nobody is forcing you. You should think about yourself too."

"But I want to get in. I want to be beside him and I am ready to bear it. But why I can't do it..."

His hopeless voice made Kyong's eyes tear up a little. "You have two options right now. You can either go away and try again when you feel like you are ready, or you can take a deep breath, and face your fears now. There is no need to rush, not delay it. I know Hwan would appreciate whatever you choose to do."

Joo-Won bit inside of his cheek. He was right, he had two options. This was getting out of hand. If he didn't do it now, he was not sure if he would ever find the courage to do it again.

"I know you are scared, but I also know that you can do this."

Joo-Won sighed and wiped his tears while slowly getting up. "You think so?"

Kyong nodded. "I know so. Now, take your time. Take deep breaths."

Joo-Won nodded and closed his eyes while Kyong stayed on the floor for some time. Xander quickly went beside him and placed his hand on his leg. Kyong placed his hand on top of his and tried to smile, but his trembling smile turned to silent sobs. Xander wiped his tears with his other hand and when Kyong buried his face in his neck, Xander looked at Joo-Won in worry, but Joo-Won's back was turned at them. Xander watched as Joo-Won took a deep breath and finally went inside once again.

After he closed the curtain, he turned his head to Hwan. When he saw how much in pain he was, he couldn't help but take a step back. But this time, he was not going anywhere. "H-Hwan?"

Finally, Hwan quickly lifted his head, immediately sobbing when their eyes met. Between his sobs, he lifted his arms like a child.

Joo-Won ran to him and hugged him close, letting him bury his head to his neck. His muffled screams and sobs broke Joo-Won's heart. "It's okay... I will not let you go..." He buried his head in his hair and clenched his teeth. He was trying his best not to cry but when the one he loved was in a situation like that, it was nearly impossible for him to stay calm.

Until the session was finished, which was one and a half hours, Hwan cried and cried. It was probably the first time in years he was crying this much.

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'...can you stand by my side..?'

These were the words I told my twin on the phone, begging her to come down, hold my hand, and be beside me through this 1-hour long nightmare.

I was only 13 when I injured my leg. My physical therapy lasted for more than 2 or 3 months.
The first time I sat on the couch inside the room that was divided by curtains and listened to a nurse explaining what electrotherapy is, I was extremely scared. I was technically just a kid. I didn't know what those cables were and honestly, they looked terrifying. But later on, when they placed them, I was relieved that they were not painful at all.

Of course, my happiness didn't last long. The voltage was getting higher and higher each session, making me feel more and more in pain. The sessions were 1-1.30 hours long and I was alone most of the time. It got to a point where I couldn't hide my pain anymore, so I called my twin to come. When she came, I started crying and hugged her while she tried to calm me down. It was really painful and it was like a nightmare.
Before every session, I used to ask God why a freshman like me had to go through this while my peers were enjoying their high school lives.

I just wanted to heal and get out, never wanting to see that machine that brought me so much pain for weeks.
I know I sound spoiled and exaggerating, but it was a very hard journey for me. Especially when I was just starting to get used to the drastic changes in my life.

I wish no one will encounter a similar (or worse) pain in their lives.